I am honestly shocked that there wasn't already a plethora of Saika fics. Granted, there are less DRRR fics overall than I expected, but even so the dearth of Saika is very surprising to me. Shizuo is my favorite character, and I adore the way the Saika situation was handled, especially with the later effects it had on his personality (in the light novels).

Speaking of which: spoilers for the anime through episode 17, and, correspondingly, the third volume of the light novels.

The title comes from the poem quoted below, though the part in parentheses is my addition to fit the story. Full title is "i carry your heart with me(and cut it apart)".

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

–e. e. cummings

-xxx-

I love him.

I love everyone, every human in the world (except for that one, the only one I never have and never will love, can't love her). Ever since my birth, I've loved them. All I've ever wanted is to show them my love, to make them feel it, to let them understand and to give them my love the only way I can. And my love was strong even in the beginning, so strong it changed me, turned me into something completely unique and then I could show them all, could make them all feel how I simply loved them and I would

cut

cut

cut cut cut cut cut cut slash them–

and love them, until she came and she was so strong (so empty) that she held me within her and wouldn't let me show anyone.

I couldn't stand that though, couldn't stand being held back from showing them my love, and so I changed myself once more, spread out beyond myself and gave birth. And my children grew and cut cut loved cut them all, and more were born, and more, and I felt nothing but love for those humans.

–and then. Then, amidst confusion and a monster I couldn't bear because it wasn't one of those humans I loved, then I found him.

And I loved him. I loved every human and always had, but when I found him it was different.

More.

He is the ideal, the strongest, and if only I could reach him I would be able to love (and cut cut cut cut cut cut him) forever and with him I really would be able to reach EVERY HUMAN.

And he has never been loved, he is so special, so strong and sad and I love him – and he (so lonely) accepts my love. He understands it and accepts it and (loves me back I think for the first time and it makes me want to reachcutslash him apart) never has let me touch his skin.

All my children, defeated instantly and endlessly, and he is so perfect doing so and they told me

mother

mother mother mother mother mother we

love him mother love mother cut cut him love mother

cut him and keep him forever love him mother we want

him mother we love him love love – and I said

yes.

The girl (can neverneverloveher, only her not her) is holding me tight right now, and she has drawn me into herself and I have become her and she is mine and my children hold back on her orders because our love is not strong enough to overwhelm her.

But when he is near, I feel it. We feel it, this love so strong and we strain towards him with all our power, we try to reach him, touch his skin

(slip inside and tear it open, cut him and join him, and neverever let him go, love him forever)

but he will never let us, even more than that girl.

And he, he.

He deserves our love and accepts it, understands it, needs it, grows stronger from it and why can't I cut him cut him cut him forever I want to want to I want to!

I will never stop (can never stop). Because I

we

love him, love that one man who is the strongest, the most human of them all, utterly everything, that man. We don't need names, though we have one (we are all Saika and I am mother mother mother Saika mother lover Slasher). We don't use names but he is special and we will never forget his name, never stop loving him

(–and wanting to cut cut cut–)

that Heiwajima Shizuo.

(so even if they will never love him we will, and someday slash him to pieces.)