The Moment it Started

Finn wasn't sure when it started. He supposed he never really would. Living with someone changes how you look at them, maybe? He didn't know. But then, he almost never did.

The first time he noticed it, though, was at Glee rehearsal. Kurt sat next to him, humming along to a song Tina was singing, quietly mouthing the words to himself. In that moment, Finn remembered thinking that he couldn't recall when anyone had ever looked so… beautiful.

Which totally freaked him out. Because, yea. Alright, Kurt was a little girly. But that didn't make him pretty.

And it really didn't. It wasn't the fact that Kurt dressed like a girl sometimes, or that he spent way too much time primping his hair in the morning that made him beautiful. It's just that Kurt was beautiful.

After that Glee rehearsal, Finn kept noticing new things about Kurt. How his hair smelled like cinnamon, how his whole face lit up when he giggled at something Mercedes said, how nice his arms looked in the white t-shirt he wore to bed every night.

And to be honest, Finn was really confused. Because he was straight. He had absolutely no doubt in his mind that he liked girls. But then Kurt would wear a particularly tight pair of skinny jeans to school, and a life times worth of assurance was replaced with insecurity.

The thing is though, that Finn is not gay. He thinks about Puck, who he knows objectively is really attractive, but he's not attracted to him. And Mike, who has a nice smile and killer abs, does nothing for him. So it's not so much that he likes guys. Just one in particular.

He finds it ironic, on days when he and Kurt are pressed up together on the couch, watching one of Kurt's assortment of musicals, that he couldn't feel this way, say, six months ago. Because six months ago, Kurt would have thrown himself at Finn if he'd known there was even the slightest chance that Finn reciprocated his feelings. He doesn't know if Kurt would now.

Finn finds it really ironic, on days like today, when he and Kurt are pressed up together on the couch, watching, Rent, that all those times Kurt tried to get Finn to like him, all of the opportunities Finn had to maybe be something more, were lost. Because now that Kurt is finally over Finn, Finn is finally in love with Kurt.

And, oh. Crap. Kurt just said something to him. He's waiting for a response.

"Uh. What?" Kurt rolls his eyes and smiles affectionately.

Finn's tummy does tiny flip-flops.

"I asked if you wanted hot chocolate, Finn."

"Oh. Yea. Thanks," Finn says this with a crooked grin that he knows would have made Kurt swoon a while ago. Kurt smiles and ruffles Finn's hair as he gets up to go to the kitchen. Finn leans in to the touch, closes his eyes, and sighs. Before he has time to fully appreciate the warmth of Kurt's hand, it's gone and Kurt has disappeared down the hallway.

Finn's heart hurts a little.

Later on that same day, Finn and Kurt are in their bedroom. Kurt's doing his homework, French, Finn guesses by the size of the textbook, and Finn is online pretending to be absorbed in a conversation with Puck.

But he's not.

What he's really doing is admiring Kurt's lips as he mouths French verb conjugations. Every once in a while Finn can hear snippets of what he's saying. It's all gibberish, but the accent in undeniably sexy.

Finn loves evenings when they're quietly in their room together and he can watch Kurt, without feeling paranoid someone will catch him. He can watch Kurt study French, which is way more mesmerising than it should be. He can watch him change into his pyjamas as he gets ready for bed.

Don't take that the wrong way. Finn is not a creeper. He stops looking before it gets to anything good. But, he can't help watching as Kurt unbuttons his shirt, peels off the t-shirt underneath, and the perfect pale expanse of his back is exposed.

Finn often wonders what it would be like to run his fingers down Kurt's spine, feel him shiver underneath his touch.

And he almost does it, too.

But every time he gets the urge a voice in the back of his head says, "Don't." And when Finn asks it why, it says, "Because you rejected him. You hurt him." And all Finn can do is say, "Oh. Yea."

Finn did hurt Kurt. He did reject him, and he wonders if Kurt will ever forgive him. He wonders if Kurt could ever forgive him long enough for Finn to run his fingers down his back. He doubts it.

For a while he really thought things had gotten better between them. He thinks maybe they had.

But then Sam joined Glee.

Finn could tell that Kurt was interested. Or at least interested to see if Sam was straight. Because Kurt was right. It was questionable.

And the fact that Kurt could possibly entertain the idea of liking someone besides Finn? Well, that made him angry. And it also made him a jerk.

What right did Finn have to tell Kurt who he could and couldn't sing with? Who he could and couldn't hang out with? Who he could and couldn't love?

Finn had hated himself. For the entire duets project Finn had hated what he was doing to Kurt and hated himself for doing it.

And the funny part is that Finn never really questioned the "why" behind it all. Why he was over-reacting, why he was trying to sabotage Kurt's happiness, why he was so jealous. Now, of course, it seems perfectly clear.

He was in love with Kurt.

Finn thought it would get easier once Kurt started at Dalton. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

Well, no, actually.

It turns out that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Everyday that Finn was away from Kurt only served to make every moment that he had with him more special. He found himself wanting him more. Needing him more.

Loving him more.

And so, here he is on a Saturday evening, watching his step-brother conjugate "savoir" with "il," completely distracted from the fact that Puck is attempting to engage him in a conversation about who was hotter: Santana or Brittany?

Finn signs off the computer, thoroughly repulsed by Puck's description of his encounter with Santana in the boys change room after football practice. He turns in his computer chair, throwing a disarming grin at Kurt.

"Hey."

Kurt looks up, mildly startled by Finn's greeting. But his mouth slowly curves upward into perhaps a more disarming grin of his own.

"Why, hello. Fancy meeting you here," Kurt quips lightly as he closes his text book, placing paper in his binder and moving it all onto his desk so he can stretch out on his bed. He glances at Finn who hasn't taken his eyes off him the entire time. "The work at Dalton really is so much harder. Sometimes I wish I could come back to McKinley for the workload alone."

"Why don't you come back, then? If you don't like it?"

"You know perfectly well, why, Finn."

"I could protect-"

"I'm sure you could and you're really very sweet, but right now I need the stability of Dalton. But thank you," Kurt says earnestly, glancing at Finn, his eyes slightly sad.

Finn knows why Kurt stays at Dalton. For the zero-tolerance policy, for the lack of Karofsky. But Finn also knows that he leaves out one thing when detailing the list of justifications for going to Dalton. And he hates it.

"It because of him isn't it?" He says it with more spite than intended. He can't really help it. Not when it comes to Kurt.

"To which him do you refer, Finn?" Kurt attempts to ask lightly, but when he catches Finn's eye, he can feel tension building. And Kurt can't quite figure out why.

"You know. Is he why you stay at that school?"

"If you are referring to Blaine, Finn, then no. He's not why I attend Dalton. Is he one of the perks? Sure. Besides the above-average coffee and polite boys he's way up on the list of reasons I enjoy Dalton."

Finn scowls despite himself and he knows it confuses Kurt. Because Blaine's not actually such a bad guy. In fact, he's a really good guy. And were the situation different, they would probably have friend potential. But not when Blaine has Kurt wrapped around his little finger. Not when Finn's afraid that he'll steal Kurt away from him. Which is ridiculous. Because it's not like Finn owns Kurt. But sometimes he wishes he did. That way he'd never lose him.

"Finn? What's the matter? Why don't you like Blaine? He's a bit uptight, maybe, but very supportive. And sweet."

Finn watches Kurt's eyes as he talks about Blaine. He notices that they light up a little when he does. Finn remembers when they used to light up when Kurt would talk about him.

"Do you like him, Kurt. Like, like him, like him?"

"Really, Finn? Are we five? Okay, I-I mean, yes. But I really don't think he feels the same. Honestly, sometimes it feels like it did with you."

Ouch.

Kurt stops talking abruptly because he knows he's gone too far, said too much. But maybe it was the little push Finn needed.

Because all of a sudden he's on Kurt's bed, his hands in Kurt's hair, his lips pressing against Kurt's lipsand Finn thinks he may have died. It just feels too good. There's fireworks, orchestra music, and all manner of fluffy feelings swirling in his chest. Suddenly Kurt presses impossibly close and Finn brings him down on top of him so that they're lying on Kurt's bed. Kurt presses his mouth harder against Finn's and Finn moans a little. Kurt strokes soft insistent patterns with his tongue along Finn's lips and he open's his mouth, letting him in. Finn pulls at Kurt's shirt, ruffling it out of it's pristine neatness, pushing it away until all Finn can feel is the warm, incredibly soft skin of Kurt's back. Slowly he moves his fingers up Kurt's spine, and then languidly back down again, feeling Kurt shudder as he does so. There is nothing in the world that could have stopped his heart from exploding from happiness in that moment.

And then, a second later, nothing in the world that could have stopped his heart from breaking.

Kurt jumps away from him, arms flailing, any hint of his normally composed posture gone. He's on the other side of the room staring at Finn as though he just hit him.

Really, he might as well have.

"Why did you do that?" he asks, voice breaking. Hearing it breaks Finn.

"Kurt, I-I'm sorry. Don't-"

"Don't what, Finn? All this time. You had all of last year, all that time, and you chose now? Why, Finn? Why now when I'm finally getting a grasp on things, when I'm finally okay, when I'm finally starting to get over you?" He stops, flopping down on the floor and pulls his knees to his chest.

Finn can't think of what to do. What he wants to do it hug and kiss Kurt until all of the hurt is nothing but a distant memory. But since hugging and kissing Kurt is what caused the pain in the first place, Finn doesn't do it. Instead he sighs, runs his hand over his face, and mumbles something unintelligible.

"Mmnmm."

I Love you.

"What?" Kurt says quietly from his spot on the floor. Finn looks at him, smiles sadly, and goes over to sit next to him.

As Finn brings himself down to the floor, he takes one of Kurt's hands, which is unbearably warm, and scorches his skin.

"Kurt?" Kurt looks up at him, tears forming in his beautiful eyes. "God, Kurt. I love you. So much." He is vaguely aware that Kurt gasps after he says this, but he needs to finish. "I know it's not what you want to hear. Not after what I said to you. Not after all that's happened. Not after we were finally getting better, becoming a family." Finn looks at him guiltily, Kurt's expression unreadable. "But, Kurt, I can't help it. I don't care what anyone else thinks. I want to hold you and kiss you, and God, do I want to touch you. I love you so much. I don't think I'll ever stop."

In the next moment, he knows that everything that ever happened in his life has only occurred in order to get him to this point. Because in the next moment, he is complete.

Kurt presses his lips to Finn's, and the kiss is so full of passion, of need, of love, that Finn can barely stand it. He pulls Kurt as close as he can, holding him without the intention of ever letting go. Kurt pulls away slightly, breath airing lightly over Finn's face. Finn makes a noise of protest, but Kurt shushes him.

"No, Finn. I need to say something now." Finn shuts up, because if letting Kurt talk is the only way to keep holding him like this, then he'll let Kurt talk for the rest of his life. "You know that I love you. I've always loved you. I never stopped. But I swear to God, Finn, if this is some sort of joke, some sick game you've decided to play…" Kurt doesn't go on because he doesn't know how to finish.

Finn won't lie and say that what Kurt said didn't hurt. But he also won't lie and say that it wasn't understandable. It didn't matter either way. Because Kurt loved him back. If Kurt wanted to sit there screaming profanity at Finn, he would let him.

As long as Kurt loved Finn.

"No, Kurt. Not a joke. Never a joke." And with that, Finn presses his lips to Kurt's cheek. Then his nose, neck, dragging his lips along his skin, tasting the salty smoothness, until Kurt lets out a breathy moan and he brings his lips back up to press into Kurt's.

Finn didn't know when it had started. He supposed he never really would. All he did know, was that he never wanted it to stop.