Word Count: 3,365

Notes: please see end for info regarding future updates

waiting

It was a short walk to Lu Xun's study where he was, as I'd guessed, pouring over half a dozen books and scrolls alike, scurrying from one desk to another with various herbs in his hands. He was so engrossed in his work that he didn't see us standing in the doorway, so I gave a soft knock while Gan Ning cleared his throat (if not a bit too loudly).

Lu Xun visibly jumped, nearly dropping a flask filled with a murky violet liquid. His eyes darted from my face to Gan Ning's before a look of recognition crossed his features.

"Sorry for the intrusion, Lu Xun," I said, smiling meekly. "Lord Lu Meng suggested I come see you."

The words were hardly out of my mouth before Lu Xun crossed the room and had his slender arms wrapped around my frame, grip like a vice. The way he buried his face in my robes reminded me of a small child, and something in my chest spasmed in pain. Not even a few hours ago, I was about to cause him even more grief. My attempted suicide still rung through my bones like a hollow echo, chilling and somber. It was a hard feeling to try and shake off.

"You're alive." Lu Xun exhaled the words as though letting out a breath that had been terribly painful to hold. My guilt reverberated anew.

Gan Ning cleared his throat again—this time more aggressively—and I shot him an icy glare. Ever considerate of others, though, Lu Xun withdrew himself and took a step back, rubbing under his eyes. He had tears in them, but not a single one fell. Compassionate yet strong, I often forgot Lu Xun was more than just the short, chipper young man he displayed: he was a general, a warrior.

"I just—my apologies, but I haven't seen you since…" Lu Xun glanced at Gan Ning, as though waiting for permission to continue.

"He knows," I said.

Gan Ning shifted uncomfortably, a scowl forming on his brow, but remained silent.

"I hadn't seen you since we told you," Lu Xun went on, "and then I heard you collapsed… Lord Lu Meng wouldn't let anyone in to see you, so I just—I assumed the worst." He cast his head down, ashamed. "I felt helpless…so I started researching as many possible medicines as I could. I'm so happy to see you standing, Ling Tong, I could just—" Lu Xun trailed off into an earnest smile. "I am relieved beyond words to see you."

I tried to reciprocate the smile, but it paled in comparison to the light behind Lu Xun's. I was the one who put him through all of this, and I was going to be the cause of more distress as time went on…as I got sicker. I would cause him nothing but grief until it was over, and even that would hurt him. The thought struck a nerve—several of them—and I bit down on my lower lip to keep myself from all-out scowling. Now wasn't the time to fall back into my spiral of despair.

"So, you got anything useful in here?" Gan Ning asked, wandering amid all the flasks and books strewn about the room. "The old man said you'd have something to help. Where is it?"

"Ah, yes! This one right here—" Lu Xun grabbed a tall flask filled with a strange green liquid. The color made my stomach lurch. "This should be potent enough now. The first batch—I made it looking up remedies to what ailments you've currently suffered."

"What the hell's in this, anyway?" Gan Ning scrutinized the contents of the flask up close, his nose nearly touching the glass. "You sure this is even safe? This isn't some sort of lab game where you get to mix a few things for their pretty colors and hope for the best. This is Ling Tong's life we're talking about." His tone was hard, his glare harder. "If you're not taking this seriously—"

I was about to jump to Lu Xun's defense, but he didn't need it. "I am taking this very seriously, Master Gan Ning," the strategist replied curtly. This took both Gan Ning and I off-guard. "I would never think to toy with something such as this. I've spent hours doing extensive research on all these herbs and potions, and I've even tried them all myself to make sure they're safe. I haven't slept more than a few hours in four days, and I don't plan on doing so until I feel like I've actually accomplished something." He steeled himself, took a long breath. "I would sooner die than let Ling Tong down. I will see him through this—of that, you have my word."

I was utterly blown away, but Gan Ning looked satisfied. "Good," he said. "That's what I wanted to hear."

They were all willing to give up so much for me. Lu Meng, Lu Xun, and Gan Ning…and I was so close to throwing all their efforts away. I felt infinitely stupid and just as guilty. I didn't deserve them. Any of them.

"So, Doctor," Gan Ning said as he seated himself in a nearby chair. "Why don't you tell us more about that weird green medicine of yours?"

"I'd be happy to," Lu Xun replied, now back to his usual self. Any indication of how he'd reacted before was a mere memory. "This one here is a delicate combination of herbs, spices, berries, and roots—it gets its color from the herbs, by the way. It's the most basic one I have so far, but I thought it was a safe start."

"Side effects?"

"Light-headedness, though it shouldn't be enough to interfere with your everyday tasks." Lu Xun suddenly frowned. "Unless, of course, I've miscalculated the severity of your other symptoms…it could be worse."

Gan Ning scoffed. "That's reassuring."

"Some mild stomachaches and maybe an occasional nosebleed, but your side effects shouldn't be anything too serious this time around."

"This time around?"

Even I had to admit that sounded…less than thrilling. "Are you saying the other medicines are going to have more severe side effects?" I asked.

Lu Xun looked pained, almost cornered. "Depending on how much…experimentation is needed, I may have to use stronger ingredients, which will have stronger side effects."

Gan Ning scoffed again. "Well, this just keeps getting better by the minute…"

"At any rate," Lu Xun said, trying to salvage something that resembled positivity, "this is where it all begins: your road to recovery, Ling Tong." He poured some of the green liquid into a small teacup and handed it to me, smiling bravely. "To your health."

I nodded and took the cup. "To brighter mornings," I added under my breath, and downed the contents in one go. The medicine had a chalky texture to it, leaving an aftertaste that was both bitter and strangely metallic. Certainly not the most pleasant thing I'd ever had to drink, but I'd also had worse.

Like Lu Xun said, this was the start of it all. If none of these medicines proved to work—or didn't work fast enough—then that was it.

It was now a waiting game.

Our first training session with Lu Meng didn't end too badly. I was terribly out of shape after countless days of bed rest and lounging about, but Lu Meng took his time (though Gan Ning didn't bother to hide his remarks on wanting to 'help me build up my stamina'). It was embarrassing enough, but not impossible. As it turned out, Lu Xun was right about the lightheadedness and stomachaches, though I didn't let either get in the way of my training. We did have to stop on the second day, though, due to a rather lengthy nosebleed.

To make matters better, Lord Sun Quan hadn't called any councils yet. The first wasn't to start for another week, which meant I had more time to get back into the swing of things.

Four days into the training and Gan Ning and I were whipped by the end of the day. We could hardly manage to even fall into bed properly, let alone work up the energy to do anything intimate. Gan Ning was bitter about this, naturally, but I told him things would slow down soon enough.

And then it got worse. More specifically, I got worse.

On our fifth day of sparring, just when I thought I was starting to reclaim some of my old stamina, I found myself winded in a matter of minutes. Lu Meng said it was probably the medicine, so I didn't think much of it. My lightheadedness worsened throughout the day, but I kept that to myself, only growing concerned when it followed into the next morning.

By the seventh day I could hardly summon up enough strength to spar for a few minutes, constantly staggering due to the spinning in my head. Lu Meng suggested we take a break.

"You okay?" Gan Ning asked, tone soft. He knelt beside me as I cupped river water in my hands, splashing it against my face.

We both knew it was a pointless question, but I offered him a reassuring smile nonetheless. "Probably just bad side effects," I said. "I'll be fine."

"You sure you should be pushing yourself like this? I know the old man wants to make sure you're in fighting condition—I do, too—but not if it means wrecking your body."

I tried to give him another smile, but there was this sudden prickling feeling in my stomach. I knew what it was, and just managed to dash to a nearby shrub before the bile spilled out, my stomach clenching painfully as it emptied itself. Or, at least, I thought it was just bile. Looking down at my hand—and at the ground—I noticed something odd about it. It was awfully red. Very awfully red.

"Lu Meng!" Gan Ning called from somewhere over my shoulder. "Old man, get over here!"

My hands started trembling as I retched up more blood and bile, my throat aching from the burn. Lu Meng's hurried footsteps registered in the back of my mind as I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand, trying not to fall forward into my own mess.

"Oh no." Lu Meng's tone was startlingly solemn, which only added to the trembling of my fingers. I wasn't an idiot—I knew throwing up my own blood wasn't good—but for some reason, hearing the seriousness just from Lu Meng's tone alone…it was frightening.

"What should we do? Take him to Lu Xun?" Gan Ning sounded stricken.

"No, take him back to his room. I'll inform Lu Xun and meet you both there." A familiar hand clasped my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. "You'll be all right, Ling Tong. Hang in there."

A thought occurred to me then, drifting in from the edge of my consciousness: was this it? Was I dying now? Was I just going to throw up blood and bile until I—died? Was it even possible to die from such a thing? Maybe this was only the first part—the first symptom—

"Can you walk?"

I groaned as I staggered to my feet. "Of course I can walk."

"You sure as hell don't look too convincing."

"I'm not letting you carry me in, if that's your alternative," I said, world spinning as I took a step toward him. Lu Meng was long gone. "How would that look? We're—I'm supposed to be convincing everyone I'm okay, so being carried in like a new bride is out of the question."

"I'll carry you over my shoulder or something—say it was a sparring accident—or drag you in by your feet behind me. I don't care, so long as I get you to some help." Gan Ning's tone and expression were both stone hard and serious.

"No. Besides, if you slung me over your shoulder I might just…throw up again." The thought alone made my stomach convulse. "Give me a second and I'll be fine."

Gan Ning was unconvinced—everything about him screamed it—but he said nothing more. I took several deep breaths and tried to will away the dizziness in my head (with no success) before taking a few cautious steps. It was possible I could make it up to my room, provided we didn't run into any distractions.

"Can you do it?" Gan Ning asked, though he would still be unconvinced, regardless of the answer I gave.

"Yes," I said. "Let's not stop to smell the roses along the way, though."

We ran into Ding Feng on our way up, but Gan Ning managed to steer him away with a few curt replies and an icy glare to boot. Not that I noticed much, as I was too focused on staying upright and keeping whatever was in my stomach down.

Lu Xun and Lu Meng were waiting in my room when we arrived, both of their faces a shade paler than usual. An array of flasks and herbs lined one side of my bed, as well as the nightstand and any other flat-enough surface.

With the door shut and locked behind us, I slumped against Gan Ning's shoulder, grateful for the support it provided. My head was swimming and my limbs felt like lead; I was amazed I'd managed to walk this far without fainting like a maiden.

Without hesitating, Gan Ning secured his arms around me and led me over to the bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, though, my vision blurred and the dizziness that overcame me was nauseating. I was up and retching into a thoughtfully-placed bucket in a matter of seconds. I remained hanging over the side of the bed, arms shaking as they held me up. It only dawned on me than that at some point I'd broken into a cold sweat.

"What's wrong with him? What the hell did you do to him?" Gan Ning's voice was distinct, though much too loud as it threatened to crack my skull—when the headache had started, I had no idea, but now it was enough to tear my skull asunder.

"Gan Ning, calm down." Lu Meng said. "You and I both know this wasn't Lu Xun's doing."

"Blood! He's throwing up blood! Might have mentioned that in your little spiel, Doctor," Gan Ning barked.

"That's not one of the symptoms." Lu Xun's voice was unusually quiet—or was that just due to my swimming head? "This must be part of the illness, a new stage—"

"Oh, that's fucking great! Seven days into your medicine plan and he's on the next damn stage? Is that a coincidence? I sure as hell don't think so!"

"Gan Ning, calm yourself or I will kick you out." Lu Meng warned.

"Not to interrupt," I managed to say as I rolled onto my back, head reeling with the movement. I couldn't finish my sentence, though, as another wave of nausea overtook me. The spasms were becoming rougher and more painful, and my entire body trembled just from the strain of it.

Gan Ning appeared beside me out of nowhere, callused hands holding either of my shoulders for support as I stared into the contents of the bucket. "It's okay, Ling Tong. You're going to be okay."

"It would be useless to give him any medicine now," Lu Meng remarked from somewhere to the left—or was it the right? "We'll have to wait and see if he can keep anything down."

"So we're just going to let him do this until, what, he just stops? That the plan?" Gan Ning was on the defense. My defense. I was grateful to have him here, as I was unable to ask anything myself.

"There's really not much else we can do, Gan Ning, as much as it pains me to say it. I hate seeing him like this as much as you do."

"Do you?" Gan Ning grunted, his hold on my shoulders tightening. Painfully so.

It was another waiting game, then.

Several hours passed before I even dared to look at anything that resembled food. If I could keep it down, I could finally get some blasted medicine, and that was incentive enough for me to try.

Gan Ning had stayed with me the entire time, of course. Lu Meng made no protest before he left, saying he still had meetings and things to attend to. I didn't mind; I always knew he was busy. Besides, having him hovering over me like a mother hen wasn't going to do anything. Lu Xun stayed, too, but fell into deep thought and kept to himself—and his pile of books, which I hadn't noticed earlier.

Bread was the first thing—and only thing—I ate. It seemed safe enough. Bland enough. Gan Ning suggested I try something more, maybe something with protein, but I declined, despite how empty my stomach felt. It was a deceiving feeling since I knew that, should I try to fill it up, it would only empty itself out again in a matter of minutes.

So, after I successfully kept the bread down long enough to appease Lu Xun, I was given a generously-sized cup of tea. Lu Xun said the medicine was a powder this time, one that worked well with the natural remedies of the tea, so I drank it slowly. It managed to dull my headache and finally anchor my swimming mind, but I still felt wretched.

After Lu Xun had left to get Lu Meng, Gan Ning started peppering my forehead with kisses. I tried to swat him away, covering my mouth with my other hand.

"I'm completely repulsive right now," I said. "I'm covered in sweat and the taste in my mouth could probably kill a horse, not to mention I don't exactly smell like roses." I could feel his lips curl into a smile against my skin, and was forced to bury my face in the pillow. "Leave me alone."

Gan Ning chuckled, soft and intimate. It sent a shiver down my spine. "You're always desirable to me."

"That's weird." I turned my head out of the pillow enough so he could hear me. "Seriously, though, I'm gross right now and I feel gross. This is hardly the time…"

"I'm not trying to get anything out of you, if that's what you're worried about." Gan Ning sat up, the bed creaking with the motion. "I was worried. That's all."

"I'm sorry," I said, "for worrying you like this…so often."

"It's not that." Gan Ning pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "It's this whole sickness thing. It's so real now—I mean, obviously it was real before, too—but to see it happening like this… I don't know. It's scary."

That was the second time I ever heard Gan Ning admit that this—my illness—was frightening. Though it was reassuring to know someone else was afraid of this, too, it was also unsettling. If Gan Ning was afraid of it, then it was something to be feared. The lump that had formed in my throat was difficult to swallow down.

Gan Ning must have noticed my lack of response, as I felt a hand running in slow, soothing motions on my back. "Don't worry about it, though," he said. As if that would really do anything to calm my nerves. "I said I'd see you through this. It'll take a hell of a lot more for anything to take you from me."

I smiled into the pillow, the hand on my back warm and comforting. It all seemed so easy when I listened to Gan Ning—getting better actually seemed possible. I didn't want to leave him any more than he wanted me to go, but…neither of us may have a choice in the end. There was only so much Lu Xun could do with his medicine.

When it came down to it, it was still just a waiting game.

A/N: Well, almost another 3 months for an update… I'm really sorry, you guys. You deserve better. I hope this chapter wasn't too much of a disappointment. :(

When I first started writing this chapter, I thought it was going to be my last update of this fic. Now that it's written, though, I feel like I still want to finish this story. If you guys are willing to stick with me, I'll keep updating.

However…since FF updated their whole 'adult content' policy or whatever (I hope you guys know what I'm talking about, since I can't think of the specifics at the moment), I don't think I'll be updating this story here. I made a LiveJournal account, so I'll probably be posting the next chapter there. I'll leave a link on my page, if anyone's interested, but my username is baerr.

Because, well, I owe you guys BIG for all these long-gap updates…so I thought I might try to do a filler update that was just smut? If that sounds okay to you guys, of course.

Anyway, enough bush beating, I have to thank my reviewers. You guys mean the world to me, and I honestly would have given this fic up ages ago without you. S-chama, tsukiko3000, lil-lexa, BlackCatBexxie, Emperor Ren of Jin, Ling Tong, Kam14, Animelover6000, FelixTehCat, Vovo, and TheEarlPhantomhive, thank you all so much—endlessly, really. Thank you. I can't say how much your feedback means to me. I truly appreciate the time you all take to leave me a few words. :)

I guess that's all I had to say? Thanks for everything, you guys. Hopefully most of you will still stick around when I move completely to LiveJournal (which I'll do one of these days).

Thank you for reading~