I Just Can't

Authors Note: I actually debated about whether or not to post this. I don't particurally like it, but here's hoping that you guys do. Let me know what you guys think!

James' hand is caressing his face, and it feels oh so soft and tender. It's a loving touch; a touch Logan has been missing for so long.

He leans into the touch. Every instinct tells him to go with this. To let James touch him and love him like he needs somebody to.

It's been almost five months since Camille and it's probably the longest amount of time he's spent on his own since he was twelve. He hates being alone. He has forgotten what it's like. He just craves for these moments, a loving touch from anybody.

It's a little pathetic even to him.

James leans closer and Logan can feel the heat from his breathing ghosting over his face.

They're so close and Logan longs for the feeling of lips pressed against his own.

He takes a deep breath and right as James' lips are about to make contact with his own he pulls away, turning his head to the side.

James opens his eyes and lowers his hand that had previously been on Logan's face.

"Logan…" James starts, but realizes that he has no idea what to say after.

"I can't." Logan says looking at the floor of 2J. "I just can't."

James sighs and lies plush against the back of the couch. Everybody else is out. Kendall and Jo are on a double date with Carlos and Megan who kindly agreed to give the Latino boy another shot. Meanwhile Katie is on a date herself, but with her mom chaperoning as to avoid James doing the job himself.

Since everybody else was feeling the love vibe it seemed only right to James that today should be the day he made his move on Logan.

It wasn't going as planned.

"Look, I know things since-" James starts, but Logan puts up a hand signaling for him to stop.

"Can we not talk about it?" Logan asks.

He doesn't want to talk about this. Not to James. Not to anybody.

James looks hurt, but he doesn't say anything.

"I'm sorry. I just need more time before I do this again." Logan says looking at the T.V. instead of James, despite the fact that the T.V. isn't even on.

"It's been months Logan, how long am I supposed to wait before I assume you just aren't gonna get over him?" James asks staring at Logan's turned face.

Logan feels guilty. He wanted this. He did. But he's just not ready for it. He and James have been flirty for months, but he just can't take that last step.

"I'm sorry." Logan says looking James straight in the eye, hoping that James can see how truly sorry he is.

"Sorry doesn't explain anything. I don't get it. Carlos and I-" James begins but doesn't get to finish.

"It's not the same." Logan says glaring. "We were together for four years. We weren't just fooling around, and when I told him I loved him I meant it. …And I thought he did too." Logan's not looking at him anymore. He can't bear to. It's been to long since he's been this vulnerable.

"You know he did at the time, but feeling change-"

"Then why haven't mine?" Logan asks angrily. "Why am I stuck with the same feelings I've had since I was twelve years old, and he's not? Tell me that, James. Tell me why he can fall out of love, when I can't?" Logan is tearing up and he's trying not to cry.

"I can't be with another one of my best friends. It hurts too much when it's over. It hurts too much that Kendall won't look at me, won't spend time with me. It hurts that it's so hard to be around each other. We're barely friends anymore. I can't do that again James. I can't lose you too."

James grabs Logan and hugs him hard. "You won't lose me Logan. I've got you man." James says rubbing Logan's back.

They're silent for awhile before James speaks again. "Sometimes I wake up In the middle of the night and feel like I'm freezing. Every time I sit up so I can get up and go over to Carlos's bed, but then I remember that it's easier to get girls here and he doesn't need me anymore." James confesses.

"We're just a couple of pathetic, lonely, losers aren't we?" Logan asks.

"Well, I'm not a loser," James says pulling away. "But I'd say yes to everything else."

It was at the moment that the door to 2J slammed open.

"I give up! I suck at girls!" Carlos screams upon entering the apartment.

"I take it the date didn't go well?" James asks.

"No, it didn't," Kendall says angrily as he walks in the door after Carlos. "Because somebody had to call his date fat."

"I told you I didn't mean to!" Carlos screams as he storms into the room that he shares with James.

Logan elbows James and signals him to go after the Latino.

"I'll, uh, go talk to him!" James says loudly as he hurries up and practically sprints to their room.

Logan rolls his eyes and lightly chuckles. Maybe things can at least work out for one of them.

"You did it three times!" Kendall screams at the closed door. Kendall sighs as he rubs his face.

"I'm guessing there won't be any more double dates?" Logan asks.

"Never again. That was the last time I'm ever hooking him up." Kendall says looking at Logan. He looks like he's debating with himself before he moves to sit beside Logan on the couch.

"Jo's livid. It's not like it's my fault that Carlos can't talk to girls. Plus I'm his bud, it's not like I can just shut him down when he asks for dating help. Girls are so complicated!" Kendall says falling back against the couch. "Carlos would be better off if he just dated James. At least then he wouldn't get so nervous."

Logan doesn't know why he says what he does next. Maybe he's trying to make Kendall jealous, or maybe he just wants a topic so big that Kendall will have to stay and talk to him. He doesn't know why, but he says it all the same.

"James and I almost kissed today." Kendall freezes as he stares at Logan. "But we didn't." Logan finishes lamely.

"Carlos and I didn't like… Interrupt did we?" Kendall asks and Logan can tell that he doesn't really want to know.

"No, we decided against doing it." Logan answered not looking directly at Kendall.

"Why?" Kendall asks quickly before coughing and speaking again. "I mean you guys have been really close lately, why not?"

Logan looks at Kendall and he hopes that Kendall can't tell how hard this is on him. "I just couldn't do it."

Kendall is about to ask another question when his phone rings. They both know it's Jo calling to talk to Kendall, but he doesn't move.

"You should get that." Logan says.

"She can wait until we're done talking." Kendall says staring at Logan.

The two boys are quiet for a moment before Logan speaks again. "Just answer the phone."

Kendall takes out his cell phone and stares at it. He knows if he answers the phone and talks to her, he and Logan will never finish this conversation. He looks at Logan one last time before standing up and answering his phone.

Logan squeezes his eyes shut and is prepared to get up and leave the room before he hears what Kendall says to Jo.

"Look, I can't talk now. I'm not mad- well I am mad- but that's not why I can't talk." Kendall says into the phone.

He waits a moment while Jo is talking before speaking again.

"Because I'm having the most important conversation of my life, and it can't wait." Kendall snaps into the phone.

"With Logan!" He screams into the phone a few seconds later before he snaps it shut.

When he's done he turns to stare at Logan.

"You didn't have to do that." Logan says looking at Kendall with admiration in his eyes.

"Yes I did." Kendall says sitting back down beside Logan.

"No you didn't. This isn't the most important conversation of your life." Logan argues.

Kendall looks at Logan, begging him to understand what he says next. "It could be depending on how you answer my next question."

Logan stares into Kendall's green eyes. "What's your question?"

"Is the reason you couldn't kiss James, because you still love me?" Kendall asks.

Logan doesn't say a word, but Kendall can tell by the way he looks up at him that the answer is yes.

"I should have never broken up with you." Kendall says caressing Logan's face.

"Then why did you?" Logan asks quietly. It's a question he'd always wanted to ask, but at the time it happened he had been more preoccupied with holding in his tears and getting away from Kendall.

"I was scared. I kept thinking about how someday you were gonna go become some great doctor, and I'm gonna be a hockey player. I felt like we were gonna be in two different places and one of us was going to have to choose, and I knew you'd choose me." Kendall says before putting his forehead against Logan's. "I didn't want to be responsible for killing your dreams. I love you."

"We're sixteen. Why were you worried about it?" Logan asked, trying to figure out what was going on inside Kendall's head.

"We had been together since we were twelve, we weren't breaking up. And neither of us had ever wanted to do anything else." Kendall explains.

"But why not wait until we reached that point? Why not wait until we were deciding about colleges?" Logan asks with his head still against Kendall's.

"Do you know how hard it was to break up with you after being with you for four years? If I had waited any long I wouldn't have never done it. I was trying to do the right thing."

"What's changing your mind now?" Logan asks.

"You came with me to LA, and you're still on the path to becoming a doctor. Plus, I've come to the conclusion that no one is ever going to be as good for me as you are." Kendall says sincerely.

"Really?" Logan asks.

"Really. I just keep thinking that I need to get used to dating someone else, but I don't want to date someone else. I want to date you. I want to be with you." Kendall says as he caresses Logan's face, letting his thumb slide over Logan's cheek bone.

"Then be with me." Logan says before leaning in to kiss Kendall. Kendall turns away last minute.

Logan opens his eyes and stares at Kendall in a confused manner.

"I have to break up with Jo first." Kendall says before pulling away.

"You're breaking up with Jo?" Logan asks surprised.

The boys had been together since they were twelve, but they had never been exclusive. They had had plenty of cover-ups in their lives, and neither boy had ever objected.

"I want it to be different this time… I want it to just be you and me, no one else. No more cover-ups, just us." Kendall says looking at Logan as though he's honestly afraid he will tell him no.

"I'd kiss you right now, but you're still dating Jo." Logan says smiling up at Kendall.

"I love you." Kendall says smiling and giving Logan's hand a squeeze.

All of a sudden the boys heard the door to Carlos and James' room open. Kendall and Logan turn to stare at James and Carlos' as they walk out of their room.

"What's going on Logie?" James asks as he sees how close the two boys on the couch are sitting.

"Hey," Kendall says standing up. "Only I can call him Logie."

"And why is that?" James asks.

"Cause he's mine. Or at least he will be in a few minutes." Kendall says as he grabs his jacket and pulls it on.

He walks over to the door and opens it, but before he shuts the door behind him he turns to stare at James.

"You ever kiss him and I'll cut off your lips and shove them down your throat." Kendall says in a serious tone.

"Don't worry, that's why I've got Carlitos." James says pointing to the boy in mention.

"Aww, you guys are finally together?" Logan asks from the couch.

"Yep!" Carlos says happily.

"Great, the female population thanks you." Kendall says before closing the door behind him.

"They do not! They're, like, crying!" Carlos screams at the closed door.

"I'm sure they are Carlos." Logan says rolling his eyes.

"But they are only crying because James Diamond is off the market." James says before flopping down on the couch beside Logan.

Logan rolls his eyes as Carlos and James start arguing about who is a greater loss to the female community, because honestly? It's totally Kendall, but he might be biased.