Typical Disclaimer Crap: Bla bla bla, you know the racket. I don't own the rights to the Invader Zim series or characters, nor do I own the rights to the song in this story. However, I do own a copy of Star Ocean: The Second Story, which is wholly unrelated to anything here.--Matt

PS: Dib's last name is Casil in this story (and others I've written). The official site says that "Membrane" is just a stagename that Dib's dad came up with. Plus, I like the name Casil. It was Squee's last name and it's just a neat name. (Not only that, but according to my friend who knows Jhonen, Dib's unspoken last name is actually supposed to be either Casil or Kaiser. Jhonen never decided.)
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Bestest Friend II
by Matt Garner

It was a rather nice Saturday afternoon in Brooklyn, New York. The sun was smiling down on the world from a clear blue sky with just enough clouds to make the world seem extra-friendly. The wind rustled about playfully on a gentle breeze that kept the bright sun from making everything too hot. The birds were all singing happily, the trees and grass all looked their greenest. Even the bugs in the air seemed to be humming a cheerful little tune. Yep, everything was going just fine today.

Dib Casil was taking a relaxing walk about the city park today, enjoying the beautiful afternoon. It was rare for Ms. Bitters not to issue out a devastating load of homework for the weekend, but somehow she had done so this week... Perhaps she was saving it all for a double-whammy next weekend or something? Whatever the reason, Dib really didn't care right now. For the moment, he was just letting the peaceful breeze carry all of his worries, even his constantly nagging fears of Zim, off into the distance. That is, until the rookie paranormalist happened to come upon the little green monster...

"Blast this SSSSSSSSSSSSSSICKENING happiness!" Zim hissed, watching various people about the park enjoying this pleasant day. GIR was in his green puppy costume, frolicking about in the flowers with his little squirrel friends.

"Awww, smile, Master!" squealed the little robot, "Mr. Sun's making the world all bright and shiny!" GIR rolled around in the flowers, giggling innocently.

"SHUSH, GIR!" Zim commanded, "I've already told you before that you're not supposed to speak while in your disguise! How am I supposed to explain to these fffffffffilthy human Earth-stinks why my dog is talking?"

"Ah can fit a whole grapefruit in mah mouth!" shrieked GIR in reply. Zim clenched his fists and growled loudly in frustrated anger. Dib snickered and leaned against a tree. Watching GIR humiliate Zim with his unique brand of insane stupidity was always a treat. Just then, the show got even better, though, when the third member of the 3 Stooges arrived on the scene.

"ZIM! How are you, bestest of all my buddies?"

Zim jutted out his lower jaw as a frail-looking little boy with soft pink skin, big innocent green eyes, and thick reddish-orange hair ran to him, smiling like a lunatic. The boy quickly leaped at Zim and hugged him tightly, speaking unnaturally fast. "Isn't today a nice day Zim? It's all so bright and sunny and I love love sunny days don't you? I sure do! Hey you wanna come over to my house and we can play some video games or maybe we can go to Bloaty's Pizza Hog and have some pizza or go to the movies or do something fun huh maybe Zim?"

Using all the strength he could muster, Zim managed to pry the child off of himself and glared condescendingly at him. "Go away, Keef! I'm quite busy right now, walking GIR!"

Keef turned his head to look at GIR, who was currently engaged in a game with his squirrel friends. Apparently, this game involved standing a good 5 feet away from a large tree, running headlong into said tree, crashing one's head into it, then backing up and doing it all over again. GIR and the squirrels were all laughing hysterically.

"Oooooh..." Keef mumbled. "OOH! Well maybe I can help you walk GIR, Zim! I love doggies! Do you love doggies? I sure do! Doggies are so funny especially GIR! He makes me laugh so much! Hey I know what we can do let's enter GIR in a dogshow what do you think? I betcha he could win first prize..."

And so Keef's obsessive prattle continued, driving Zim outright mad. At long last, Zim's final nerve was shattered and the Irken Invader, not caring who saw his actions, produced a deadly laser weapon and aimed it directly between Keef's freakishly large eyes. "FOR THE LOVE OF IRK, SHUT YOUR #$ NOISE-HOLE, VILE EARTH-MONKEY!" he screamed, shivering with rage, eyes glaring demonically at the hyperactive child.

Dib gasped and dashed toward Zim.

"... does this mean you don't wanna' play today?" Keef whimpered with fear in his eyes.

Before Zim had a chance to give his answer (which would probably have been blasting a smoldering crater in poor little Keef's noggin), Dib pounced him and wrestled the psychotic alien to the ground. Keef, sensing possible danger, promptly wet himself and ran away screaming.

"FOOLISH WORM-BABY!" Zim bellowed, "HOW DARE YOU ATTACK AN IRKEN SOLDIER???"

"Oh yeah? Well how dare you attack an innocent little Earth kid?" Dib spat back. Okay, so it was a lame comeback. At least he saved Keef's life. Give the guy some credit here.

As the 12-year-old human and the 200-something alien broke into a most dishonorable fist-fight (I'm sure the Tallest would have been so ashamed of Zim... Well, if they weren't already ashamed of him for going absolutely insane and blowing up half of his own planet...), GIR blinked vacantly as little squiggly lines appeared about his head.

"My puppy-senses are tingling!" he squeaked. That's when he turned his head (completely around) and witnessed Dib grinning maliciously with one hand tightly gripping Zim's little green neck, and Zim yanking on Dib's hair like a little girl.

Without a moment's hesitation, GIR shot forward... Or, well... okay, actually, he sat there distantly for a moment, wondering how Pop-Tarts are made, THEN he shot forward, running as fast as his little feet could carry him. He quickly yanked Zim and Dib to their feet and stood between them, clapping his little metal hands.

"No more fighting!" GIR shrieked, "Fighting is BAD!" These wise words drifted right out of hearing range of the two mortal enemies. Zim snarled viciously at Dib, a trickle of deep purple blood running from his bottom lip and a murderous glint in his eyes, visible even through his violet contacts. Dib's dark eyes returned the glare from behind his now-twisted glasses. In a matter of seconds, they were back at it, trying to kill each other. Once again, GIR broke them apart and waggled a little black plush paw at them patronizingly. He then suggested (between various comments about pastries and fuzzy animals) that Dib and Zim should apologize to each other and then Dib should just be on his way.

Both enemies snarled at each other. Dib turned to leave after giving Zim another punch in the face. He was answered by an explosion directly behind him, scorching the bottom of his long black trenchcoat. Dib turned around just in time to see Zim firing yet another blast at him from the previously-mentioned laser gun.

In classic action comic book/cartoon show style, Dib dodged shot after shot until a misfire caused a tree to fall and slam directly on top of Zim. GIR gasped and ran, crying, to his fallen master. Dib looked around wildly in hopes that someone had noticed these strange happenings, but of course, no one was around except for that scary little chihuahua... oh and the Saucer Morons cult, but this kind of thing was normal to them. Sighing that the citizens of Brooklyn were still unaware that a creature from space was in their midst, Dib walked toward Zim in hopes that the tree had killed him... though he doubted it.

Zim didn't look too good, but then, he never really did. GIR had managed to pull Zim out from under the fallen plant (Never underestimate a SIR-bot's strength) and was replacing Zim's toupee, sobbing all the while. Despite the possible victory of the moment, Dib felt a tear or two rise in his deep brown eyes due to the sight of poor, innocent little GIR: Heartbroken over Zim.

"Wake up, Master!" the robot cried, "Please wake up! Don't go bye-bye! Don't leave me alone, Master Zim!" Dib bit his lip and held back the urge to pat GIR's head. The little bot probably would have just been angry at him anyway.

In a few moments, Zim grunted painfully and opened his eyes, revealing that one of his contact lenses had been lost. He rubbed his head weakly and sucked on his cut lip. "Wh... what happened?" Zim asked, surprisingly lacking a lot of the false bravado that he tended to throw into everything he said. GIR shouted for joy and hugged his master tightly around the waist.

"OH MASTER! YOU AND MR. DIB WERE FIGHTING AND I KNEW YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BECAUSE FIGHTING MAKES PEOPLE SAD AND THEN A BIG TREE CAME DOWN ON YOU AND WENT BOOM ON YOUR HEAD AND MR. DIB AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD BUT NOW YOU'RE NOT AND I'M SO HAPPY!!!!"

Zim blinked a couple of times at the little robot, then at Dib, then said "... who are you? ..."

"I'm Dib, remember?" The boy stared blankly at his arch-nemesis, hoping this all wasn't too good to be true. "Zim... don't you remember anything?"

"Who's Zim?" the alien mumbled helplessly. "What's going on? Who are you people? ... For that matter, who am I?"

A devious grin suddenly appeared on Dib's pale young face. This was perfect! If Zim had amnesia, then Dib no longer had to worry about the little alien! He could just lead the unsuspecting little mutant into his father's lab where they could dissect him and... Ugh, suddenly a deep feeling of guilt careened into Dib's gut, crashing and bursting into flames. But what about GIR? The poor little robot would miss his master so much... Unless there was some other solution to this little predicament...

"You're Zim!" Dib said with a big warm smile on his face, "Zim Zilinski, remember? Just a perfectly NORMAL human kid who doesn't want to take over the world or anything!" GIR blinked curiously at Dib as the boy suddenly seemed to believe the lie that Zim had been telling for so long.

"And... who are you?" Zim asked again, licking his sore lip.

"I'm Dib! Your best friend of course!"

And that's... when the video montage began...

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(As the music from the song "You Gotta Friend in Me" from Toy Story began, the camera focused on Dib grinning like a loony, and then GIR and Zim staring blankly.)

You gotta' friend in me...
You gotta' friend in me...
(Dib kindly helped Zim back to his feet and walked Zim to his house, speaking to him as if they were the best of friends. GIR hopped up and toddled behind them playfully.)

When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles from your nice, warm bed,
(Scene of Zim and Dib sitting in their pajamas on Dib's sofa playing video games together and laughing.)

You just remember whatcha' ol' pal said, boy,
You gotta' friend in me...
(Scene from "Bestest Friend" with Keef and Zim playing tetherball, only it's Dib and Zim.)

Yeah, you gotta' friend in me...
(Zim and Dib are seen in class passing mean drawings of Ms. Bitters back and forth. Then Ms. Bitters grows out of their shadows and drags them to detention.)

You gotta' friend in me...
You gotta' friend in me...
(Zim and Dib are strutting down the Skool hall, looking confident as ever.)

You got troubles?
(Torque Smacky, the school bully, appears and stops them.)

I got 'em too!
(Torque holds out his hand, demanding their lunch money.)

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
(Both Zim and Dib grin at each other and fold their arms, smiling defiantly at Torque.)

We'll stick together and see it through,
(Torque stuffs them into two trashcans and kicks them down the hall.)

Cuz you gotta' friend in me...
Yeah, you gotta' friend in me...
(They both crash into the wall and climb dizzily out of their cans.)

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am,
(Zim is riding on a pony at a fair and Dib is cheering and waving a cowboy hat around.)

Bigger, stronger too, maybe...
(The pony up and kicks Dib and the kid goes flying across the screen, slamming into a tree.)

But none o' them will ever love ya' the way I do!
(Zim runs nervously to Dib.)

It's me an' you, boy...
(Dib grins at Zim and gives him a thumbs up. His glasses are broken, he has one black eye, and only 3 teeth left.)

And as the years go by,
Our friendship will never die...
(Dib and Zim are in Gaz's room, dressed in pink nightshirts. They're painting their fingernails and giggling like little girls.)

Ya' gonna' see it's our destiny!
(Gaz is seen standing in the doorway, snarling Satanically at them.)

You gotta' friend in me...
(They are both seen flying out of Gaz's room, followed by cartoon swear word symbols.)

You gotta' friend in me...
You gotta' friend in me...
(Zim and Dib are playing catch in Zim's front yard and as the music dies down, GIR is seen in the window. He drags his little hand against the glass and a tear forms in his right eye.)