He sits and stares at his choices, wishing a solution would materialise from thin air. He fiercely wished for an epiphany that would make it all seem clear.
It didn't come.
He was still confused.
He was still unsure.
He was still alone.
No one could make this decision for him, no one could tell him which path to choose.
This was his decision.
This was his choice.
He could end it now, he could be free of his lifelong demons, or he could do what he's always done and pretend that they aren't there. He could invent a new version of himself and attempt to have some sort of life.
But that hasn't worked so far, eventually the mask falls away and he is left a mere echo of a man. A shadow of someone that once shined so bright, but that was just another lie, he never really shined, he just wanted to believe that he did.
Last year he put the gun down and condemned himself to a pitiful existence.
He doesn't want an existence, he wanted a life.
He can't have one. He knows that now, on some level he has always known that.
If he calls Gibbs he'll come swooping in like he did last time and maybe convince him not to throw himself away. A quick fix. Then he'll find himself right back where he is now, because his sadness, his torment, his struggle are not things that can be defeated. They will always creep back up on him and bring him to his knees. They will always win, and he will always lose. He doesn't have the strength to continue his battle with them.
He is waving his white flag.
He is surrendering.
He is giving up.
He is ending this.
He is taking the pills.
...
Life is different now, so drastically different and he does not like the change.
It tortures them all in different ways but they are all united in their grief at losing someone that meant so much.
They all share the guilt.
Tony-his Tony is gone, he lost himself to the depths of his haunted mind and could see no way out. There was no happily ever after for Anthony DiNozzo.
He stands there stoic in black and feels disgusted at himself for the relief he feels.
Relief that his friend, the closest thing to a son he will ever have is no longer in pain.
His suffering is over, and he hopes like hell he has finally found the peace that always eluded him.
They asked him to speak but he declined, he can't put his anguish into words, he can't stand there and tell people of a life well lived. He can't stand there and lie.
So instead he stands silently and tries not to blame himself. He tries to convince himself that he didn't abandon Tony in his most desperate hour.
Tony didn't blame him.
Tony is gone.
Life is very different now.
...
The phone rings and his stomach fills with dread, this is the call he has been expecting, the call he hoped would never come. The call he knew he would receive.
"Gibbs"
That voice is way too shaky to belong to him.
"Hey boss"
The sound of his agent's voice stuns him, and hope begins to replace the dread.
"Thank god Tony, listen-"
"No Gibbs, I need you to listen to me"
He detects the slur in the younger mans speech and the dread returns like it never left.
"You listening boss?"
"I'm listening"
He wonders if he phrased it like that intentionally.
"I'm sorry boss, rules be dammed, I am so sorry for doing this to you. Don't ever doubt yourself boss you did all you could and you helped me in more ways than you know. I will be forever grateful for chances you've given me, for the care you've shown me. You have been the most important person to me for so long and I want you to always remember how much you meant to me. Goodbye boss. I love you too"
He ends the call before he has a chance to respond, he doubts he could even speak at this point.
He drives at insane speeds towards the apartment he never should have left.
By the time he gets there it is already too late.
All he finds is Tony's lifeless body, still clutching his cell phone. He looks so calm, so peaceful and in that one moment his world ends. His heart breaks beyond all repair and he cries.
He cries in agony at the devastating sight before his eyes.
He cries for the man that never saw how brilliant he was.
He cries for the child that never felt loved.
He cries for his friend.
He doesn't think he will ever stop.
...
He will never forget the last words Tony said to him. They are forever burned into his memory. The same way his failure is.
Tony says he did his best and maybe he did, but the fact that his best wasn't good enough stings.
The fact that he has lost him cuts deeper than he thought possible.
He throws a handful of dirt onto the coffin and imagines that he has just thrown the bit of his soul that broke when Tony died.
...
Despite what Tony may have thought he was never forgotten. He was held in the hearts of his team. They mourned and they remembered and they never let his memory perish the way he did.
McGee named his son Tony in his honour.
Ziva took to wearing a saint Anthony medal, despite her Jewish origins.
Abby tattooed his name just above her heart.
Ducky told countless stories of the man he thought was so remarkable.
And Gibbs finally built his final boat, he found he just couldn't burn 'The DiNozzo'.
...
A/N. Please don't hate me for killing Tony, I just couldn't convince myself that this story could have a happy ending. Hope you all enjoyed it and aren't too disappointed. Let me know what your opinion is.
Thanks for reading
.x.