Summer 1987
Santa Carla, California

Two fluffy pillows were propped against the headboard of Sam Emerson's bed. The boy leaned back into them, bare feet against the cotton sheets; a Superman comic spread across bent legs.

There was a light knock on the open door. Sam tore his eyes from the comic to see his mom standing in the doorway.

"Hey, Mom."

"Hey. Can we talk?"

"Sure."

He was a little annoyed at being interrupted in his reading, but Lucy was wearing her serious parent face. An expression she'd been wearing a lot lately. (Thanks in no small part to big brother Mike)

Sam followed her downstairs into the kitchen, Nanook at his heels. He sat at the small table while Lucy set a glass of milk and a small plate of cookies in front of him.

Reaching a greedy hand toward the plate he devoured the chocolate chip goodness in a few eager bites washing it down with the cold milk.

Yum.

In his preoccupied state, Sam didn't even notice the other items Lucy was removing from the cabinet above the sink until it was too late.

A small children's book was placed on the table in front of him.

When Sam saw the title, he immediately choked on his milk, coughing and sputtering as his mother patted him on the back.

"Sam, are you alright? Sam?"

No he wasn't alright. In fact he was far from it. How could he be okay with:

How Babies Are Made

sitting there on the table staring him in the face.

He had health class in middle school.

He learned the vocabulary: Ovary, Fallopian Tube, Uterus and Vagina.

He'd even gotten a B plus on the test.

At this moment he wanted to run.

Fast.

Far.

Maybe back to Phoenix.

He didn't think anything could be worse than those stupid blood suckers…

This was something much more horrifying.

Something he'd walked blindly into:

THE TALK

He'd stopped coughing and was now clearing his throat repeatedly, trying to make the half chewed cookie go down into his tummy.

"Sam, honey. Um," Lucy paused. "I thought your father might have already talked with you about this."

With selective hearing Sam let his ears go deaf to the remainder of her speech. His eyes darted to the floor as he could barely look at her. He wasn't sure who was more embarrassed.

"…changes…urges… feelings… becoming a man…"

She stammered a little.

Sam cringed into himself.

"Your father and I got this book for Michael when we found out we were having you."

Michael? Seriously? He was like 3 or something.

Sam half buried his face into crossed arms. Did the word "train-wreck" mean anything?

Lucy held it up one hand, so he could see the illustrations, just like HIS Kindergarten teacher used to do at story time.

"Mom, I know this stuff already," Sam interrupted. "Can I go back to my room now?"

"Maybe we can skip the book," Lucy nodded and closed the cover, placing it back on the table. "But we should talk about…how to not make babies."

Oh God.

Sam closed his eyes and took a breath.

"I'm not having sex anytime soon," he told her.

"I know you think that honey," she forced a smile. "But, sometimes things just happen."

Michael.

Stupid Fucking Michael.

That's what this is all about.

"Mom," Sam attempted to protest but Lucy had begun the next phase of her plan. She broke off a single banana from the bunch and set it down in front of him. Then from her purse she removed a small box, placing it next to the fruit.

Trojan

The word flashed at him like a lighted billboard.

With shaking hands Lucy opened the box, taking out a shiny foil square with a round circle bulging from its center.

"This is a condom," Lucy's voice cracked slightly on the last word.

Sam fought the urge to join Nanook underneath the table.

"You should open it." She slid the square toward him.

"Mom, uh," he frantically tried to think of an excuse, a way to escape. He wanted to shout "Look Vampire!" and point toward the window as a diversion, but he knew everyone was still a sensitive about that.

So he didn't.

Instead he exhaled, lips blowing almost-raspberries as he reluctantly complied.

The packaging tore easily, allowing Sam's fingers access to the lubricated rubber sheath inside.

Ugh. It's slimy.

"Here," Lucy unfolded the insert and spread it out on the table covering the book.

They come with directions? Holy shit!

"You…you.. should… practice putting it on…,"

"MOM!" Sam exclaimed cutting her off mid-sentence. Looking at it was one thing, but wearing it…

"..on the banana. The banana," Lucy held up her hands submissively.

"Yeah, uh, mom," Sam looked uncomfortably around the room. "I'm not, uh…"

"This is important. And I want us to be able to talk…openly…about this… about…sex," Lucy said, hands wringing together as if she just needed something to do with them.

"Yeah, mom, I know I can come to you about anything, but uh," Sam held the banana in one hand and the condom in the other. "This is a little much."

"I just…I just want you to be…prepared," Lucy hesitated, carefully choosing her words, "in case you are ever in a situation…"

Like Michael. Sam finished her sentence.

"Okay. Okay." Sam glanced sideways at the instructions. It didn't seem too hard.

He put the condom on the tip of the banana and tried to roll it down, unsuccessfully. The condom just didn't seem wide enough.

He tried again with the same result.

"Maybe if you…," Lucy offered.

"I can get it, mom," Sam ignored her. Unlike an erect penis, a banana is curved. Maybe that was part of the problem.

Putting the banana in between his legs so he could use both hands, Sam realized how big it was. It was a lot bigger than a penis (at least, bigger than his). Lucy must have bought giant radio-active bananas.

Squeezing the banana between his thighs, Sam fumbled with rolling the condom down over the peels again. The dumb mutant banana was just too big.

"Mom…it's just… I can't…"

"Here let me see….,"

"See it's too wide…"

"Try a different one…."

As Lucy got up to get another banana, Sam noticed Michael standing there staring at them.

Sam could only imagine what this looked like to his brother; both of them, sitting at the table with a box of condoms and a bunch of bananas.

"I don't even want to know," Michael shook his head and took a step to leave.

"Wait a minute, young man," Lucy ordered, voice stern.

Michael's eyes rolled as leaned his head back over his shoulder.

Lucy stood there, forefinger curling repeatedly, luring him into the kitchen.

"Oh no," He shook his again, sending his curls bouncing side to side.

"Michael."

Lucy's fists planted firmly on her hips.

With a groan, Michael's slouching frame slid into the chair previously occupied by Lucy. She held out a pair of bananas, one to each of her boys neither of whom was overly happy about the situation.

Though Sam did feel a slightly better since this was all Michael's fault. You would think turning into a half-vampire was enough drama for one person. But no, not Michael. He had to follow that with a pregnancy scare.

Lucy nearly fainted when Star dropped that bomb.

Of course Michael swore it only happened ONE time. He just went to the cave to find out what was going on, Star took him by surprise, heat of the moment…blah, blah, blah….

Luckily, it was just a false alarm.

Sam didn't even want to think about the kind of offspring two half-vampires would have created.

Though he knew the Frog brothers had several theories.

But now he sat at the table with his brother, attempting this contraceptive "dry run" only to find that the condoms and the fucking enormous Amazonian bananas were not very compatible.

Sam's condom had unrolled most of the way, leaving a four inch reservoir on the tip of the banana. Michael had done only slightly better, he had about an inch hanging off the tip. The rest was bunched around a thumb's distance down the banana's length.

Sam saw his mother's worried expression.

"Maybe you should try it," Michael pulled the condom off his banana and handed it to his mother.

Lucy frowned, but sat down and tried her best.

"Oh my, this is harder than I thought."

Sam and Michael both watched as Lucy forced the rubber onto her banana, half squashing it in the process.

"I hope you didn't do that to Max," Michael commented, a smirk playing across his lips.

Sam covered his mouth to hide his own smile.

"No. I didn't."

Lucy held up the banana, the fruit inside leaking through the peel into the condom.

"But if I had, maybe he would have left us alone."

FIN

I miss you, Corey!

XOXO
Gemma