I'm back with a big fat apology to you all. Sorry for the unfair wait. My life just decided to crash down on me and I needed time to get things back in order. Fanfiction was not my top priority in that time but now it's a fresh start for me in some way or another. Life can be shit. You've just gotta deal with it.

So. The summer break is over for me. Back to the high school drama, violating rules of every shape and form and people who are about twice your size even if they're three years below you. XD Also, the internet is back with me after my long time abroad.

Here we go.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own. Now that that's over, does anyone know why the hell I would find a souvenir store in the south of France that had flower fairy figures in one window and a massive selection of shuriken stars, katanas and throwing knives in the other? I don't. O.o

Something just mended can break just as easily as something new.

However, sometimes it just takes time to discover the new cracks.

Is it too late?

...I like the rain. When nobody is there to see you, and when your own visage is frozen and cold… it will cry for you.

And when you are alone, seeking a person to share your sadness… it will cry with you.

And for those who are happy… they may dance in it.

It was a soft, summer shower. The raindrops were gentle as they hit the glass, collecting on the windowsill before dripping down to nurture the grass below. Behind this window in the warmth, kneeling on the edge of his unmade bed, Allen Walker touched his lips with a shaking finger.

His eyes were glazed; the colour grey had never been one that suggested life, but Allen Walker had always managed to make it shine. Now it was a flat, empty, half-lidded gaze.

Long, slender pianist's fingers clutched the end of a pillow, and Allen rested his head against the wall, feeling his long eyelashes brush the rough surface.

And then those steely eyes closed, once again concealing the confusion in their depths.

Kanda was hurting inside. It happened all the time. Just… nobody ever knew.

He was also afraid, fisting his hands in his loose hair so tightly that it was almost painful. What did I do?

Allen's gaze had been so lost, so confused when Kanda had struck him backwards. The boy had clearly been in disarray, mind still hazy with the after-effects of the special contact he'd just shared with the other. The rest was just a blur. It was just a blur until Allen's expression had turned to one of incredible hurt and the boy had run, run just like Kanda had told him to, out of the house and out of the Japanese male's sight.

And then Kanda had realised that he was frozen with his breath held, and he let himself slide down the back of his door and onto the waiting floor. It was cold beneath him.

Kanda could still feel it. He could still feel the moyashi's desperate hands pulling at his hair, those damn lips messily probing his own. I shouldn't have let that happen, but now that it has I'm unbelievably screwed.

He couldn't think straight. He had to let out his anger. Unable to think rationally, Kanda grabbed the thing nearest to him on his bedside table and hurled it against the wall, not once wincing when it smashed against the hard surface. The remains of the cup fell soundlessly onto his sheets, blue on bleach white.

Kanda was afraid. The moyashi had struck him deeply, shocking him to a completely new level. The boy had given him hints, dammit, and so many of them too. Kanda tried to work out what the kid was thinking.

I didn't even mean to help him, but… after it had happened once, it kept happening again. He told me that he was only sticking with me because I'd seen a side of him that he didn't want anyone else to know about. He lied, and he forgot to take it back.

I can't take on this responsibility.

Kanda knew that he was seventeen, nearly eighteen, and that he had only kissed one person before in his life. Kanda paled. Oh, he knew…

Alma ran away. He ran away because he didn't want what I'd given him. It hurt, it hurt so much. That's why I never tried again. I didn't bother, because I realised that if you become too close to someone and then you lose them… the wounds within may never, ever heal up again.

Then realisation hit Kanda with a blinding force. Shit.

I told the moyashi to get the hell out because then it would be just like before. He would run away and I'd be left alone again… and I did that because I haven't known it any other way.

And now… for some reason… I don't feel right.

Dammit!

It can't be, can it? Do I regret doing that?

…

I'm such an asshole.

It was just a fucking kiss. Why should I care?

… Because I just do.

I can still hear the rain. It's still crying, even though my own tears have run dry.

But it's OK. I understand.

I understand that I was quick to judge, and quick to break the little of what we had built. I'm sorry. I understand. I understand why you pushed me away. I don't want to hear anyone else, don't want to see them. They will see my sadness and ask me questions… and if they do, only you will be hurt. I don't want to hurt you. I hurt you enough already. The wall was cold against Allen's face, chilling his head. He just had to calm down. He just had to believe that tomorrow he could say sorry and that tomorrow Kanda would forgive him, allowing the 'just be friends' rule to be set after that disastrous moment.

… Who am I even kidding.

Lifting himself from the bed, Allen undressed, grabbing a towel from the drawer beside him as he removed his underwear. Wrapping the fluffy material around his waist, he entered the en-suite, not bothering to close the door as his room was already locked.

"LENALEE! HOW COULD YOUUU!"

Lenalee Lee looked up from her lunch, raising an eyebrow in a tired fashion. Her brother was often due to neurotic breakdowns involving her 'purity', but what could have happened now that they were alone? Deciding that this would, like every time, be a completely pointless scenario, the girl got up just as her paranoid brother came hurtling into the kitchen. Komui's expression was similar to that of a person who had just had a red hot poker stuck up their ass. "LENALEEE-" he began to wail, but Lenalee was faster.

"Brother! What on Earth is wrong?" the girl enquired, raising her voice in an attempt to silence her distressed sibling.

"Two of them! Two of the filthy, octopus-handed, clingy little-! Gyah! How could you!" Lenalee, completely confused by her brother's senseless ramble, prepared to lecture him once again.

"Komui-" She began, but then she was forced to stop. Oh. That was when Lenalee spotted her phone in Komui's hands, her inbox clearly visible on the screen. That… that just went too far. "BROTHER!"

"Who is he? Who is he? I will eliminate him! How dare he touch my beautiful-"

Lenalee snatched her phone away from her brother and scrolled down the screen hurriedly. Oh, for goodness' sake.

Message From: Allen W.

Are u sure? He'll probably kill us for this… but ok then. Meet at the café 7:00?

Ugh. Lenalee had to admit that the ancient message could be taken the wrong way. 'He' could easily be Komui, and this could easily be a message planning a secret meeting they didn't want him to know about. "Komui!"

Finally, the man seemed to fall silent as he supported himself on a counter with a kicked-puppy expression. "Lenalee…" he whimpered, shaken by his sister's stern side. Said sister, however, showed no sympathy.

"This is NOT another boyfriend: I have Lavi and Lavi only." She clarified, jabbing her finger towards her phone. "Allen is just a friend of mine who I met up with a few d-"

"Whoever he is, I MUST meet him to MAKE SURE that he ISN'T one of those-"

Clang!

A chopping board to the head was enough to make even Komui shut up. Only, with Kanda, it was the clipboards that did it.

Allen had quickly come to realise that Lavi's house was full of the showers he liked best. Really, it was just a bath with a glass pane blocking any water that could be sprayed onto the floor, but… once this glass pane steamed up, it was as good a drawing surface as paper.

Allen sat in the tub, the showerhead held between his knees. His nimble fingers worked over the damp glass quickly, creating clear lines on the steamed-up surface. From those lines, the collected water ran down like teardrops, making the image appear as if it were bleeding around the edges.

Allen finally stood up, once again taking the showerhead into his hand. Setting it into the loop, he stood underneath the spray and sighed deeply. The water was hot, and it almost burned his skin, but the whitehead didn't mind. Allen was vaguely aware of how long his hair had become as the wet tips brushed his bare shoulders. He'd have to cut it to avoid the risk of Lavi marking him as a girl once and for all. It wouldn't exactly be ideal on top of the fact that Lavi believed him to be flaming gay (he was not flaming, just gay). Suddenly, an unwelcome thought crossed Allen's mind and he knitted his brows. Actually, his hair was fine as it was, because if people like Kanda had it long and could still…

Kanda. Allen groaned, pressing his palms into his eyes. No self-pity, Allen Walker. Cut that crap.

Go away.

You thought I'd gone?

I made the only person who saw from all angles hate me in the space of a few minutes. I can't believe I did that. I don't even know why I did that. I've never met someone like Kanda before, so I have no idea of how to deal with him…

Wondering for the hundredth time why most of the shower gels in Lavi's house stank overwhelmingly of coconut, Allen set the bottle aside after he'd emptied some into his open hand and spread it onto the flannel.

The shampoo was tea-tree. That would clash with the shower gel really badly.

Yeah, distract yourself with stupid thoughts like that.

"I didn't do anything wrong!" Allen argued aloud, waving his arms around in frustration.

Then the water turned to liquid ice. "GYAAAAAAHHH!"

Allen stumbled out from beneath the flow, skidding to the opposite end of the bath as he hit its base. "SOMEONE TURN THE OTHER WATER OFF!" he yelled, grumbling as he began to feel the chills.

Somewhere in the distance, he could hear Lavi singing in French at a rather obnoxious volume. "Wha-oops! Could've said you were takin' a wash, moyashi-chan!"

"TURN IT OFF, DAMMIT!" Allen yelled in protest, making sure that Lavi could hear him through the door and over the sound of the shower.

Lavi was definitely on the right track to successfully winding the whitehead up. "What's more important? Hm… I wonder. Clean panties or frozen beanspr-"

"TURN OFF THE DAMN WASHING MACHINE! I HAVE SHAMPOO IN MY HAIR!" Said bean sprout objected loudly, pointing the showerhead away from himself and shivering as he began to sense the coldness in the air.

"'Kay,' kay…" Allen breathed a sigh of relief when the water grew warm again. "And anyways. What didn't you do wrong?" Lavi half-shouted through the door.

Allen froze. "Nothing happened." He snapped, feeling a small ache in his chest. Lavi, however, was quick to recognise his friend's slightly hurried answer.

"That's bull. I'm interrogating you after your shower."

Allen felt his heart begin to race with panic. "Lavi, there's no need-"

"Kanda's mum called. That's all ya have to know. After dinner I'm hunting you down."

… Shit.

"Bookman, Allen's hammering the old piano to pieces."

"That old thing." Bookman grunted in a barely audible tone. "Get it tuned or throw it out."

"Bookmaaaaaan…!"

The old man looked up from his papers, fixing Lavi with a bored expression. "Yes?"

"Allen won't talk to meeee." Lavi whined, collapsing into a chair beside the table. "Do you think he's moody because I turned his shower cold?"

"You are an idiot." Bookman said plainly, not even bothering to look at the redhead this time. "Let Mr. Mikk do the interrogating. If he wants to be alone, then damn well let him be."

Lavi rested his head on the cold wood, listening to the amplified sound of Bookman's nails tapping the surface. "It's not hard to see that he's cracked."

"His surrogate father's death had more of an impact than we originally thought. He was just very good at hiding his feelings from us. Stupid boy."

"Oi…"

"Look what he's done to himself."

"Don't talk about Allen like that!" Lavi raised his voice, lifting his head and glaring pointedly at the old man across from him.

"Then I can lie to you like he lied to you as well… if that's what you want."

"Bookman, Lavi?" All heads but one turned to the door, where Allen was standing with a melancholy expression, his eyes directed at the carpet instead of those seated at the table. "I'm not alright. I'm not alright at all. I did lie. I'm sorry."

"Allen, stop apologising!"

For some reason, Lavi's words made Allen's head jerk up, where his wide, grey eyes were finally revealed again. Confused, Lavi took his eyes off Allen's, looking over at Bookman with a long "Errrrr…" noise. Needless to say, the old man glared daggers at the young redhead.

It seemed that the young whitehead was ready to talk.

"Allen, first we'd like to know if Kanda is the reason for your sudden grief again; if he is, we have to talk to him about you. You don't have to tell us what happened if you want, but-"

"Kanda did what Kanda would have done in the situation I created. It's my fault; I was the one who got that reaction out of him."

"Allen, you're actually creeping me out. What's suddenly got you to talk, huh?"

Something quite solid impacted with Lavi's shin beneath the table. Allen watched with a cool expression as the redhead curled up onto the table in pain.

"It's my problem, I'll sort it out. I'm sorry for worrying you like this." The whitehead shuffled his feet and turned around, making to leave.

"Allen, did Kanda…"

"I was trying to fill in my own wishes. Either… either my assumptions were wrong or he's the same… like… something pushed him away from what he is."

"Allen, you're not making complete sense. Stop speaking direct thoughts and calm down."

"Allen, Kanda's mum said he's locked himself in his room and isn't even speaking to her in Japanese. That's kid behaviour. What the heck did you do to him?"

"What did I do to him?" Allen snapped suddenly, and Lavi grinned. Bullseye.

"So this IS two sided?" he leered expectantly. For some reason, Bookman did not intervene this time.

"Kanda's an ass." Allen shot back, suddenly defensive and not at all collected. "And although I should have expected what he did, there were a lot politer ways of doing it."

He's on a roll now. Keep going. "So what DID he do?"

"He told me to get the fuck out of his house." Oh, oh. "So I did. I was still wearing his trousers, and that just tells me that he was seriously pissed off. Kanda wouldn't want a stupid beansprout dirtying his precious clothes."

"Eh, his trousers? Oh yeah, I-"

"I HATE THIS!" Allen suddenly burst out, clutching his head in his hands. "I know you're worried, and I appreciate your concern, but please! It's too much! I hate that I can't handle this! I hate how I've become like some kind of… problem for you all! Just stop it and get on with whatever else you have to be concerned about!"

"Allen-"

"Dammit, please. Leave me alone."

"Allen!"

"What happened to him?" Was the angry teen's unexpected response.

"What?"

"He was reacting. He was going along with it. He was most probably enjoying it. Only after it was over. Only then did it somehow click and he told me to get out. Only then! I'm not stupid. He did that because he felt he had to!"

"Hey, just calm it now…"

"Who told Kanda it's not OK to be gay? Who was it that he respected that much, the person who actually had some control over him to get something like THAT drilled into his thick skull? Why is he such an idiot?"

A silence of maybe five seconds allowed Allen to catch his breath. Lavi, on the other hand, was in total shock; Allen had never acted this way before. If he was being so vehement about something, he must be seriously fuming about it.

"I've talked now!" Allen tried his best not to become even angrier. "So leave me alone and stop worrying about me like I'm some child!"

Then the door slammed, and Allen left two quite wide-eyed males sitting still in their seats at the table.

"They were intimate." Bookman said offhandedly, looking back down at the page he'd stopped reading at. Lavi nearly gagged.

"That sounds kinda frightening coming from you, y'know."

"Cook some dinner, you fool."

"Kanda likes Allen."

"And I am greatly intrigued because…?"

"Talking to you sucks."

Shit, Alma… What on Earth did you actually…

Kanda spoke not a word during dinner, which just added to his mother's suspicion; he hadn't touched his soba either, and that was surely a sign of the apocalypse.

Hasuko sat opposite him with furrowed eyebrows, observing her son with a worried gaze. He had never been much of a big talker, but the nature of this silence was unnerving.

"Allen Walker was his name, yes?" Hasuko asked tentatively, setting down her glass. "He seems to be a lovely boy."

Kanda's shoulders tensed, and Hasuko got what she's been looking for. "So your sulking is to do with Allen." She deduced, and Kanda cursed as he realised he'd fallen for her trap. "How unusual… you've never stressed yourself over someone else like this before."

"I don't want to talk about it." Was Kanda's curt reply.

"Of course you don't." his mother replied. "But I'm going to ask you anyway. What happened with you two upstairs?"

Kanda's head jerked up, and he stared at his mother in horror. Did she think that…?

"Well, you're a healthy teenaged boy. It's only natural."Hasuko practically read his mind, and Kanda glared at her.

"He doesn't matter."

"Yuu, I'm not stupid. Even if you actually don't like him, there's certainly a part of you that disagrees."

"Will you stop reading my fucking mind?" Kanda snapped, both as a warning and as a sort of confession. "This shit is getting ridiculous."

"Isn't it just?" Hasuko agreed, starting on her own soba again. Kanda did his best to contain his fuming anger; he couldn't snap on his mother.

"I suggest that you say sorry."

"What th-"

"Again."

Kanda, who had begun to stand, sank back down into his seat with a dire realisation. This whole thing is about apologies. One after the other. When the fuck will we stop asking to be forgiven and just settle…?

"I see you have understood a part of the problem."

"What do you know about this?" Kanda argued against his mother's commentary, and she sighed.

"Very little… but Yuu, you forget that I'm your mother. I know a lot about you, even if you don't like that, and it's my duty to do things like this."

"It's your duty to fucking interrogate me?" Kanda was unnerved by his mother's calmness.

"Not quite, even if that's part of the solution. I want you to tell me right now what's on your shoulder."

The silence was short-lived. "The kid should stay the fuck away if he knows what's good for him."

"And why is that?"

Because If I were Alma, and Allen were me… he would get very hurt should something go wrong. And with me, it most likely will, because I have no fucking clue about any of this type of stuff.

"Yuu… how much do you really care about Allen?" Hasuko asked slowly, having caught the thoughtful expression on his face.

"Not enough to want to see the little shit again."

"Your lying skills have become considerably worse over the years, Yuu…"

"Che."

"And even if you don't go to him, I'm sure he'll come to you. And when he does, you will say sorry and stop the ridiculous little back-and-forth problem you two have."

"Back and forth problem?" Kanda asked coldly. Hasuko nodded.

"Yes."

"I don't-"

"What is it about friendship that you don't understand?" Hasuko asked despairingly, beginning to look genuinely sad. "Give the poor boy a chance… he seems so lovely…"

Kanda stalled. "Friendship? He wants more than just a fucking friendship!" he finally snapped. Pushing his chair back, he stood up quickly, his fringe falling over his eyes. "I'm surrounded by a bunch of fucking morons and none of you are helping!"

Doors slammed, and Hasuko Kanda was left alone at the dinner table, wiping the tips of her fingers delicately on her napkin.

"You must rekindle yourself with the emotions you chose to label as invalid." She said calmly, though nobody was there to hear. "They've built up rather a lot over the years, haven't they, Yuu…?"

The park was bathed in the soft orange light of the street lamps, and everything glistened with the damp lest by the earlier rain shower. Wind wove its way through the grass, causing it to rustle lightly in the breeze like a whispering mass of green. Mingling with the eerie sound was the noise of boots pacing on concrete, but as quickly as they had come they ceased.

A single figure was standing in the middle of the path, long trench coat too heavy to move be pulled along with the wind. Only the man's hair shifted a little.

The smell of tobacco wafted unpleasantly in the air as the man in the coat took a long drag of his cigarette; the smoke appeared like mist in the shine of the street lamps.

The light from the phone he switched on not a second later lit his face up horror-movie style, highlighting the dark scowl he wore. Finger moved noiselessly over the screen.

…

Send.

Again, sorry. This chapter underwent a ridiculous amount of edits… and I'm still not happy with it. Ending it with Kanda and Allen completely wound up, however, is giving me a good motivation for the next chapter.

Unfortunately, this year is my heavy exam year, but I'll try to keep this going as well as I can anyhow.

Until next time. :) Review if you like.

~Zaskaea