Hitchhiker's Guide to Blood Gulch Chapter 1: A Very Boring Introduction, a halo fanfic

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It has been said that the universe is improbable. So improbable in fact, that the likelihood of being invited to a birthday party for Frank Sinatra, hosted by Santa Claus is actually very probable. But the probability of you ending up in a back water canyon, in a back water world, is just as probable, if less desirable.

The Blood Gulch outpost, as it has been named by our editors, is one of the most dismally boring places in existence. So boring in fact, that many people would have more fun sitting and listening to a Vogon recite poetry while getting their ears cut off by the ear harvesters of Blencton 12. It is for this reason the Guide advises all travelers to avoid this planet and subsequent outpost if you wish to retain your sanity. However, if you insist on visiting this worthless dirt hole of a planet, we would advise you on some of the local populations and their many faults.

Residing within the canyon it self are two squalling teams; Red and Blue. The Red team is the more boring of the two pathetic and lifeless teams who reside within the canyon. With a deranged Sergeant as their leader, who completely believes red is the best color, as opposed to the galactic affirmed smelch being the best color. He is completely insane which also affirms the fact that this is a very boring place. His insanity is not the 'Oh, I wonder what crazy's going to do next' crazy. It's more of a 'Oh, it's crazy. Every get ready for the same boring day of insults and push ups' crazy. However, one of the other locals would disagree.

Kissacus-Assius, also known as Private Simmons. One of the red teams boring recruits, this human is another example as to how mankind lost the Office War of 2367. Constantly kissing ass of the commanding officer in a vague attempt to rise in power, the affirmations to the red leader that his ideas are good, as opposed to very, very bad, continue to cause bickering between the two sides. Along side this, and the fact that nobody in the entire canyon likes him, it is widely regarded that Mr. Simmons is unimaginably sad and pathetic and most of all, boring.

There is also a droid stationed there, but quite frankly, none care for him or his crazy language that even the great babel fish cannot translate. One thing is certain, and that is that he is also appallingly boring.

Private Dexter Grif, or Griff as some locals spell it, is another sad excuse for a person. Coupled with the fact that he can intake an entire sleeve of Earth cookies in under twenty seconds, and his love with fair lady laziness, he is widely regarded as a sad ball of fat puss. Proving as a final point that this canyon is a miserable travel site, he is one to sit around and do nothing, regardless of the situation. The only situation in which he would provide physical labor willingly, would be if a woman covered in nothing but Oreos waked over and offered to provide sexual favors in exchange for said physical labor. How dismally boring.

The final member of the nauseatingly loathsome red team, is a Donut. If one were to question exactly how a donut was admitted into the military, they would be directed to the Pastry's Rights bill passed in 2478. It was a very sill year, 2478. This donut seems to be of the flamboyant persuasion, always seeking out ways to sneak a look at the other...pastries within the base. Along with this, he seems to have pension for interior decorating. A very good profession for a donut if I may say, seeing as how they are always filled with wonderful treats. Of all the Red team individuals, this one seems to be the least boring. While that is not saying much, it does deserve some merit.

Continue to article: Blue Team?

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