A/N: Well this is awkward.. Been a while right? Ha. Ha. Hahaa yea I'll see you down below…

Essence- Ignorance is Bliss

~Near's Point of View~

Grey walls. Grey curtains. Grey ceilings. Grey emotion. The blandness of the entire thing was annoying.

He sat and waited, just as L and Light and Mello and Matt and whoever else told him to. Waiting was something he was used to by now, or so he thought. He waited for his mom to come home, but she never did. He waited for someone to notice him. Contrary to popular belief, he wanted to be acknowledged but not to take time out of someone's day. He didn't feel worth it sometimes.

But then he met Sayu, crazy and bright against the dull static of his life. Well, not that being a successor to the best detective in the world is boring, but it was obvious to him something was missing. Something big. And that, he guesses is what Ryuzaki found in Light. Or what Matt found in Mello.

Sayu was still bright even in the grey hospital bed. She was still bright even when her complexion was as sallow as Ryuzaki's. She was still bright even when there were white bandages covering her eyes. She is still bright even when when Near is dull.

So he crawls up from the floor, catching the eye of Mello, the only other person in the room. The rest when to get food and Mello (of course with a grumble) had to stay and babysit Near. Not that Near needed babysitting of course.

"You okay right?" Mello asked with just enough twinge in his voice to let Near know he cared.

Near cocked his head to the side, gently traced the outline of Sayu's brow with one tiny finger and pondered if he was okay. He didn't feel much different, he didn't cough or have stomach aches, like that one time he got sick. He was okay, at least his body was. So he tells Mello.

"Yes. I don't feel sick." He said, rolling around with a sigh coming up his heart. It felt like his genius was now a burden. He notices everything. He sees and hears Sayu's hard breathing. He sees her pale, bruised complexion. He knows there's a chance that she won't be okay. He'd rather be like Sayu's mother, a blissfully unaware housewife relying on faith and trust to know she will be fine. But he's not. He's not fine he realizes.

Mello scowled in front of him, the leather squishing against a chair as he plopped down. "No, stupid. As in are you okay, here," Mello asks, then presses his own palm into his heart, his cheeks staining a dark red. If Matt was here, Near knew for sure there would be scowls and banter and teasing between the two. It feels good to know someone cares for you enough to put down their defenses like that.

Deciding to not be mean, that was Matt's job, he brought a thumb to his lips.

"Well, there's times it feels as though I can't breathe. I can't think and it's," Near paused, contemplated for a moment, "strage. It feels like all that matters right now is her. And that she gets better. I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW." Near's voice breaks at the end as a couple pent up tears fall down and he clutches his head like it was breaking.

When you know everything about anything or anyone yet nothing about yourself and feelings, and how to feel, it's difficult to say the least. It's hard.

Mello's gaze softened for a millisecond. "I get it. I get it. I get it. You're gunna be okay. I promise. I promise " Mello said. And that was that. A wash of silence follows through.

Near's breathing was still erratic. It was his fault. It was always his fault. If he didn't just take it instead of her, this wouldn't have happened. He didn't cry. Not anymore.

After the feeling of depression washes past him, there was nothing. Only emptiness.

Mello and Matt. It was always Mello AND Matt. They were always together. No matter where at the orphanage or in the streets or wherever. They were always a pair, never one without the other.

It's a blessing and a curse, to Matt anyways. Matt is the type of lazyass dude who lives life to the fullest by playing video games. That's just how he is. Then Mello comes in, fully ready to go on an adventure, even at age 6. He was always a feisty one. And Matt was always a pushover. So that's how they're friendship started. Those years ago at the orphanage.

It was a sunny day in the orphanage. Ugh, I know. Matt was inside, as usual watching the current episode of whatever-the-fudge on TV. He looks outside and sees the new kid. Well, he's been there 3 years ago but he's still the new kid to Matt because they didn't really talk, not really. He's said maybe two words to him.

The new kid, Mellon, or Melanie or whatever it is is digging through a big backpack maybe twice his size. He scowls, thinking it was stupid to actually want to go outside.

Whatever. He turns back to his TV and suddenly has a faceful of blond hair. "You. Did you take Winky?" He demands, completely serious.

"No, now leave me alone." Matt whines, face turning bright red under the intense glare of Mello.

"I know you did." Mello says so matter of factly it was annoying. "I didn't!" He insists.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

They glare at each other and just start laughing. Laughing like a bunch of crazies.

"Come outside with me." Mello says, then picks up Matt's hand and drags. Hard. Matt's still blushing. They're still holding hands even after they've gotten to the huge bag.

Matt tries to yank his hand away and Mello just holds it harder, squeezing gently. Matt's not a girl and neither is Mello. He stares down at the ground avoiding the giggles and eyes of the other inhabitants of the orphanage. "Let's go on an adventure Matt!" Mello said suddenly, eyes bright with joy and mirth. Matt can't say no.

As they climb through the jungle gym and tumbling through the grass, they never part their hands. He realizes he doesn't quite mind the outdoors. Actually, no he freaking hates it, but Mello makes it worth it, to see the toothy grin and smirk.

They're sitting on the swings sipping orange juice later. Their hands are still linked, even with a generous coat of mud and dirt and god-knows-what. "Thanks, dude. You're the first one to ever want to go on an adventure with me." Mello says softly, gazing first into Matt's eyes then off into the sunset, a soft smile appearing on his face so unlike to smirk Matt's become used to.

He likes it so much he doesn't have the heart to tell Mello no, he didn't want to come. So he smiles and says "No problem, we should do it again."

The smile that wraps around Mello's lips is brilliant. He takes a mental picture and files away under "the most beautiful things in the world." Right next to orange popsicles, and that one spicy chip he found that he swore looked exactly like Jesus.

"Yeah." Was all that was needed to be said. They swung softly and watched the sun go down. The perfect ending to a perfect day, he thinks.

It's that moment that Matt thinks he never wants to let go. When everything was innocent and no one knew what heartbreak and emptiness was.

Home is where the heart is. Light knew that. Of course he did. Up until a couple months ago, home was L. It was and always has been.

Not anymore, though. What was once a wave of happiness and belonging was replaced by sadness and regret. He knew whatever he had with L, was gone. Or rather is gone. Because there was no going back.

L had tried on multiple occasions to apologize, but Light wouldn't hear it. Not really. Not when Light knows that he was just a pawn to L this entire time. That there was no them not ever. Not then, not now.

He was his father's boss. That's it.

If only it was that simple though. No feelings attached. No history. Unfortunately, life's not like that. It'll never be like that.

He is jealous of Matt and Mello sometimes, they're happy. It seems everyone around him was happy. Besides him that is.

But they deserved it. They all deserved it. He hears someone come into the room. He was in the hospital room waiting for his sister to wake up.

It was L, he realizes. "Light-kun." He calls. Light doesn't want to turn around and answer, not really. He thought he was fine, before, but not really.

He grinds his teeth. He refuses to answer. "Light-kun." L calls again. Light sighs, he doesn't want to give in, but he get's tired of it real fast. "What." He snaps, meaner than he means.

L is taken back, Light could tell. "I'm sorry, I'm just stressed." Light says, rubbing his eyes.

Ryuzaki doesn't say anything. He looks at Light for a long while, then turns away. "How are you doing, Light?" He asks, his voice giving off the impression that he really doesn't give a shit.

"Fine," Light plays along, knowing this was all just a game to L. Hell, he could hear the gears churning in L's head. He knew someway, somehow this was going to affect his Kira percentage or whatever.

L nods, one really quick bob of the head Light almost misses. "I see." He says, and then it's quiet. It's awkward. It's painful. Light feels all the hurt, all the pain and suffering leave his body and enter the air. He feels it and it's suffocating.

"Why'd you do it?" Light suddenly bursts, emotions in his voice that make sure L knows exactly what he meant.

There's a pregnant silence again. "You know how I felt about you. You played me. Like a damn fool. And I still stayed. I didn't. You.. I can't." And Light covers his face.

His eyes are tingling and burning dangerously. He wasn't going to cry. Not ever again.

L is almost speechless. "I don't know." He said. But he knew why. "I told myself it was because you didn't mean anything to me. I told myself you didn't matter. I was just using you-" He starts.

"Stop. Just stop." Light whispers brokenly. This was the man the meant the world to him at one point.

"No, let me finish. I pretended you didn't matter. But you did. A lot. I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was like I was diseased. And then Misa was there, convenient and easy. I convinced myself she meant more to me and you were nothing. It was the complete opposite." L says, and Light looks up for traces of lies. He saw nothing but honesty in his eyes.

"L. I-I didn't know." Light says, any traces of tears already gone.

"I know, and I deeply regret that. I never felt toward someone the way I felt toward you." L responds, playing with the hem of his ever-present white shirt.

And that's the truth. It really is. L is socially awkward. Light doesn't doubt he was his first relationship.

"I'm sorry, Light." L says and this is one of the only times Light hears emotion in his voice.

"I know you are, L. It still hurt though. It felt like I was going to die, that's how much it hurt. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, hell, I didn't even want to do any of that stuff anyway." Light huffs, and L's heart drops in his chest. "I know Light, I'm really sorry for that. I didn't understand what I was feeling and you got the bad end of the stick."

Light snorts. "Understatement. But I get it now. I really do." His heart is aching and he feels better. He really does.

"Are we going to be okay?" L asks, and Light doesn't know. At least, his brain doesn't.

But his heart does. And Light never did give his heart enough credit.

A/N: Umm –hides- It's not my fault! It's only been like a yearrrrr. Haaahaaa. Funny story. Actually, you guys probably aren't even reading this. But heres what happened. I left on travel for 3 months. And then I went through a bad breakup and then someone in my family passed away and it was just bad… Yeah. But I'm back and here to stay. Hopefully I'll make it to 100 Reviews! Yeah thanks for sticking with me, I really appreciate it. I love everyone one of you guys. I really do. 33