Pick Your Own Adventure O/S Contest

Title: Hooters & Peckers

Rating: NC-17 (for adult language and situations)

Word Count: 2614

Pairing: Edward/Bella

Words Selected: Bachelorette-party, wedding; Office, bathroom; Surprise, disbelief, flustered, infatuation, panic; Dildo, jello mold, snowman, penis; Sesquipedalian, clusterfuck

Summary: Store clerk Edward deals with his boss, a flirtatious girlfriend, and some interesting customers during his shift. **Entry for Pick Your Own Adventure contest!**

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything related to the Twilight universe. I just like to make the characters do non-canon things. I also intend absolutely no disrespect to anyone coincidentally named John Ng. In addition, the idea for the vibrating pocket Edward came from a blog post I read a long, long time ago (and I think she even got Edi and Peter to sign the gosh-darned thing, lucky girl!). Finally, the Succu-Dry really does exist. Even I can't make that shit up.

The door buzzed and swung open, letting another potential customer inside. I glanced at the woman and yawned one of those jaw-cracking, eye-watering yawns. Today had been a slow day – only seventeen purchases and it was already near the end of my shift. Tanya wouldn't be happy, but there was only so much customer service I could offer. In my experience, most people wanted to browse the shelves quietly, anonymously, and then quickly pay for their goods before hurrying back out.

I went back to my book and waited. I heard a muffled little squeak over in the dildo section and had to suppress a chuckle.

Which one scared you, I wonder? The cherry-scented vibrating dong, or maybe the silicone hand?

I always got a kick out of surreptitiously watching the obvious newcomers. The guys exuded forced machismo while the girls were typically flustered and giggly. Sometimes I felt like handing out magnets that said "No Longer A Sex Shop Virgin", but so far Tanya didn't want to make that a reality. I'd ask again in a month or so, though; I really believed that they would sell out if we kept them by the cash register as an impulse buy.

The door buzzed open again, and this time the owner herself came in with a large package in her hands.

"Edward, I need you to stock these new strap-ons." Tanya handed me the box and turned around to look over her shop. With her hands on her slim hips, she surveyed her six-hundred square foot empire and made a decision.

"Make up signs. Ten percent off all merchandise for the month of March only. I want to get ahead of the spring mating season, and business always falls off right after fucking Valentine's Day."

She flipped her long strawberry-blond hair back behind her shoulders and took a closer look at the book I was reading.

From Antidisestablishmentarianism To Zenzizenzizenzic; Or, My SesquipedalianInfatuation

By John Ng

"Christ, Edward, seriously? Don't you have a life?" she joked.

I merely shrugged and gave her my trademark smirk. "What can I say, Tanya? This guy is hilarious."

"Whatever," she snorted and left me in peace to open the box and inventory the contents.

I still had not heard anything else from the woman browsing the aisles, but I knew I would have to go over there soon to put the new strap-ons away. Getting up from my stool I stretched, then rummaged around under the counter for the synthetic feather duster and carried the box over.

Yep, she was still there, only by now she had moved on to the vibrators. She had two popular choices in her hands and was apparently comparing the details of each one. I might have offered her an opinion on them except that she very clearly did not want to be noticed, or recognized even.

Her hair was wrapped up in a large floral scarf which covered her head and tied behind her neck. Large sunglasses obscured her eyes. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought she was my sister, Alice, but this woman was much taller than my imp of a sibling. She also kept her posture a little bit hunched, and maintained a healthy distance from me, always keeping her back to me.

I shrugged off her behavior and decided not to approach her if it meant possibly losing a sale.

I had to admit, though, that my curiosity was piqued. I had only cashed out two other women today, and both were regulars, so nothing shocked them anymore. I even showed them some new evil-looking BDSM gear, but instead of gasping, they merely looked at each other and winked. I didn't ask.

My other customers were guys buying either bongs or porn. Why someone would buy DVDs or magazines these days when so much was online was beyond me, but who was I to judge? Maybe they didn't have an internet connection. Maybe they were old-fashioned. Whatever.

I was just thankful that I didn't work on commission. However, if I did, that bachelorette party I supplied the goods for earlier today would have brought me a nice bonus.

God, those girls were fun! They were raucous without being too raunchy, and definitely wanted to give their friend a memorable party. I remembered their reaction to my suggestion of the penis jello molds.

"Oh, my God, these tiny little cocks are so cute!" they cooed. "We totally have to get these!"

"Ladies, please," I entreated with a smile. "The words tiny, cock and cute should never, ever, be used in the same sentence."

They giggled some more and proceeded to look me up and down, no doubt wondering how cute my own package was.

Sorry, ladies, I remembered thinking to myself. That's for Bella's eyes only.

My little spitfire of a girlfriend had no problem with where I worked, and was confident that I would never cheat on her, but still. I hardly wanted to give her any doubts about my faithfulness.

To change the focus of their attention, I asked if there was a specific theme to their party, apart from the obvious.

"Yeah, totally!" squealed one of the blondes. "Felicia is really into that Twilight movie and is totally in love with Edward, the main vampire. Well, aside from Scott, of course. Her fiancé."

I tried not to roll my eyes, but that took more effort than I thought it would. When would these women just give up on all of this stupid Twilight stuff? The guy was a fictional character. He was not real. Yet at least once a week the shop fielded requests from women looking for vampire-related sex toys. Fortunately, Tanya had predicted the market for such items, so I was able to motion the bachelorettes over to our "Vampire Corner."

They squealed yet again when they saw our products, ranging from glitter lube to vampire condoms to the aptly named Sparkly Peen. One girl picked up an elongated snowman and appeared puzzled for a moment until I leaned in and mentioned that it was intended to chill in the freezer. Her little ears turned bright red as my meaning sunk in. She quickly put it back on the shelf before one of the other girls could question her about it.

I refrained from pointing out one of the male toys to her. I got the sense that she was a little squeamish, and I didn't want to scar (or scare) the poor girl. However, despite my best efforts, one of her friends picked up the Succu-Dry and pretended to make it talk. I burst out laughing, because that shit was just plain funny. Only in my job could I find a fake vag-toy with molded vampire teeth pretending to have a conversation.

Another girl noticed the in-house display that one of my co-workers, Lauren, had devised. It consisted of a few plastic action figures from the Twilight movies, with the parts from a really cheap vibrator mounted onto the base of each. Her eye-catching sign declared the toy to be "The One and Only Vibrating Pocket Edward". I remember scoffing at the idea at first, until I discovered that we couldn't keep them in stock. Tanya loved the idea, because even though we had to pay for both the dolls and the vibrators, she was able to charge enough for the finished item to make a tidy profit.

In the end, the girls decided upon quite a selection of vampire and non-vampire toys, and I felt sure that the lucky fiancée would have enough to keep herself and her new hubby busy for a long time to come.

I had finished restocking the new toys and was dusting off the old packages when I felt my cell phone vibrate in my pocket. Tanya hated when the staff took personal calls and thought it was unprofessional, so I kept mine safely hidden in case Bella needed to get hold of me.

Speak of the devil, the little minx! I wonder what she wants now.

The incoming text announced that it had indeed come from my insatiable girlfriend. Unfortunately, I would have to look at it later, though, as the store telephone started to ring as well. Duty called.

I quickly walked over to the phone to answer it.

"Hooters and Peckers. How may I please you?"

Tanya had a weird sense of humor, and used an owl and a rooster as her logo. She thought she was being clever, but I was just waiting for the infamous restaurant chain to claim copyright infringement.

"Umm, hi. Umm, what time are you open until tonight?" the nervous female voice asked.

"Until nine o'clock."

"Okay. Umm, do you take credit cards?"

"Yes, ma'am. We take both credit cards and cash, but not personal checks."

"Okay. Umm, thanks. Bye."

I hung up the phone and just shook my head.

C'mon, lady, they're just fake cocks. It's not like they're gonna jump off the shelf and run after you.

Sitting down I finally took the chance to read Bella's text.

Hey there, babe. What time do you get off tonight?

Oh, did she really have to make it that easy for me?

Whenever I can, baby.

Ha ha, ur so funny. NOT.

I choked back a snort. She was so fun to play with.

Aw c'mon. You loved it. Admit it.

Not gonna happen.

So what's up, baby?

When ru coming home? I gotta surprise for ya…

Ooh, tell me. You know you want to.

Down, boy! All in good time!

Hmpf

Is my eddie-poo a grumpy-gus tonight?

Hmpf

Fine, you big baby.

…

…

Bella? I'm waiting here.

You didn't answer my question, you dork.

I tugged the back of my hair, starting to get annoyed now.

My shift ends in an hour. You KNOW this.

Yeah, I know. So do you wanna hint?

Hmpf

The next text was nothing more than a picture, but oh, what a picture it was. Bella had posed for me wearing what looked like a new midnight-blue merry-widow corset, complete with stockings and fuck-me heels. I think I even groaned out loud.

Not fair, Bella. You know I can't do anything while I'm here.

Not true. Tanya will never know.

I've got a customer. A shy one.

Well, you'll just have to be extra quiet then.

I closed my eyes, thinking about my sweet, luscious Bella in that lacy nothing. This last hour was going to drag by if I had to both rein in my hard-on and wipe Bella's image from my brain.

Fuck, that's not gonna happen.

I adjusted myself and palmed my crotch, giving my hard cock a little of the friction it craved. I knew I couldn't just jerk off here behind the cash register – that was just gross - and the shop didn't have a back storage room that I could sneak off to. Even the bathroom wasn't an option, because that was outside in the tobacco shop where Tanya's office was located. A distraction – that's what I needed.

Luckily for me the anonymous woman finally approached the counter with a few items to purchase. I put my book away and prepared to cash out her merchandise.

Hmm, nice selection. I guess she's not as prudish as she appears.

A few carefully chosen items were placed on the counter in front of me: a large vibrating dildo, a smaller g-spot vibrator, some nipple clamps, and even some fur-lined handcuffs. I opened the vibrators and inserted batteries inside, making sure they worked. Glancing at the woman, I noticed that her head was down and she was blushing furiously.

Heh, she's kinda cute. I wonder what she looks like.

Once I totaled up her merchandise, she reached into her coat pocket and pulled out some cash. With trembling fingers, she counted out her money and handed it to me, still not looking up.

I noticed a distinctive wedding ring on her hand, with an unusual blue stone surrounded by diamonds. My breath caught as I realized I had seen a ring like that before. But no, it couldn't be. There had to be at least two of that design, right?

I hesitated, then gulped and whispered, "Mom?"

Her head shot up in surprise. I wasn't sure which of us was more shocked.

Her maternal instincts went into high gear as soon as the situation's reality sunk in.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen!" she cried. "What in the name of God's green earth are you doing here? Do you actually…? Oh, my God, you do! You work here? What about community college? What about bartending? How dare you lie to your father and me..."

At the mention of my father, she immediately stopped, looked down at her merchandise and backed away from the counter in a panic.

I mirrored her actions, my hands automatically flying into the air as if the sex toys in front of me had real, live cooties on them.

"Oh, ewww, Mom! I don't want to know about you and Dad…" I couldn't even finish the thought without a little bit of bile backing up into my mouth. "Aw, fuck, I need to bleach my brain or something," I muttered as I roughly tugged the hair on the back of my head.

"Edward Anthony! Language! It is perfectly normal to have a healthy sex life, young man. How else did you think you and your siblings came to be?"

I closed my eyes in disbelief and shook my head. I couldn't believe I was actually having this conversation.

"Besides," she continued, "your father and I have been together for nearly thirty years. Sometimes we need to spice things up a little bit."

"Okay! Enough! I get it!" I hurriedly made change and shoved her purchases into a brown paper bag.

As she turned to go, I couldn't help myself. I had to know.

"What's with the get-up then?" I asked softly.

My mother merely looked at me from above her sunglasses and sighed.

"Honestly, Edward, for someone who works…here," she replied with a hint of disgust as she waved her hand around the store, "I thought that would be obvious. Do you really think that the ladies on the hospital's Auxiliary Board would take kindly to the knowledge that their President patronized a store such as this? Or that her husband, the esteemed Chief Medical Officer, also enjoyed such perversions?"

"Okay, okay! I don't want to hear any more!" I groaned, my hands raising again in surrender.

My mother then had the audacity to smirk at me.

"Goodbye, dear. And don't worry, your father and I will be most anxious to hear all the details about this new direction your life is taking. I'll be in touch."

I watched her walk out of the shop with her paper bag, then slumped onto the stool behind the counter and rubbed my face.

What a God-damn clusterfuck. I had intended to tell them that I had dropped out of college, but just hadn't gotten around to it yet. Truth be told, I kept procrastinating because it was not a subject I wanted to discuss with them.

Now, however, there was no way I could finagle a way out of it.

I looked up, feeling weary, and my eyes landed on all the phalluses around me.

Oh, God! I won't be able to look at a toy again without thinking of… Oh, man, I can't believe this is happening to me!

Without another thought, I grabbed my cell phone and called Bella.

"Baby? Can you meet me at the bar after work? I really need a drink."