I tried to stop. I really did. But noooooo, I just can't! Blaine/Rachel can be hazardous to my school life. But anyways. Should I post my Darren/Lea stuff here too? Y/N?
The first time you ever made out with a girl, it was with Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry, you know, the best friend of that boy you have feelings for?
It was during a party that was hosted at her house. The entire Glee club of William McKinley High School was there when you and Kurt arrived. You didn't know if that was really how those kids partied because drink stubs? Really? You just sat with Kurt, talking to one another about possible songs to do during rehearsals when Rachel and that Puck boy began to scream about alcohol.
Finally.
The music was turned up and the red solo cups are filled with some sweet mixed drink that burned your throat with every gulp. A small nagging voice in your mind screamed at the vocal mishaps you will have to suffer through the next morning, but who cares? You were vaguely aware of your insane dancing, but at that moment, the alcohol fogged your mind.
There were bits and pieces of that night that you can't remember. But if someone asked you what you do remember, you answer will consist of five words:
Making out with Rachel Berry.
Sure, it was during a game of spin the bottle, where kisses didn't mean a thing. You laughed along when the two blonds, Sam and Brittany you think, kissed. So when the bottle pointed towards you when Rachel spun it, you didn't give a damn. You are, after all, gay! You can't have any feelings for this pint-sized girl with the infectious laughter and the most awkward fashion sense ever!
Oh how wrong you were.
When you two kissed, it was fumbling and messy and just plain soppy. You could taste the bittersweet aftertaste of whatever liquor she just chugged. What made it memorable though, was her teeth and her lips and the way her boisterous laughter vibrated against your mouth. You kissed her back, the laughter of her Glee club rang against your ears.
You didn't realize that it was a girl's face you're sucking until your hand darted out to cup a cheek framed by thick, wavy locks. You caressed her face, pulling her a tad closer.
Rachel pulled away, no more than three inches separating your mouths. She commented on how your face tasted, and then she yelled something about a duet partner. When you realized that it was you she was talking about, you immediately sobered up. Or at least enough to figure out what song you are going to sing.
The first time you ever sang a drunk duet with a girl, it was with Rachel Berry.
The song was an 80's synthpop by The Human League. You remembered hearing this song from a Swiffer commercial, and you didn't like it that much.
Whoever picked this song deserved to be hit upside the head.
You sang the song anyways, jumping up and down the stage with Rachel, singing into a pink bedazzled microphone that was heavy against your fist. The lyrics spewed out of your mouth and you stole glances towards Rachel who, you admit, has a brilliant voice. Both of you hopped everywhere and swished your heads from side to side in time with the song. By the time the duet was over, sweat trickled down your brow and you felt dizzy. Dizzy enough to stagger towards Rachel and take her lips with yours again and again throughout the duration of the party.
The next morning you found yourself in Kurt's bed. You hoped nothing stupid happened between the two of you because you can't risk it. Kurt is special and fantastic. You can't be an idiot when it came to this game you two are playing.
You went home and met up with Kurt the next day in the coffee shop you two frequented since you became friends. He accused you of drinking way too much, and of course you denied it. Then he mentioned you sucking Rachel Berry's face, and you felt your cheek muscles ache from grinning way too much. Kurt called you desperate, and you can't help but feel hurt.
Rachel called you then and called you a 'cutie pie in your blazer and your pants' (you blush often at the memory). She asked you out to see Love Story at the Revival Theatre, and of course you said yes. Kurt glared at you and went off into a tirade of playing with the girl's feelings. But you reasoned that maybe there is something there, and that you are exploring untested waters of heterosexuality and possible bisexuality.
"Please, bisexual is the term gay guys use in high school when they want to hold hands with girls and feel normal." Kurt scoffed, and you tried your hardest not to lash out at him. Is it so wrong to feel something from that kiss with the diva? Because she really did rock your world.
"I'd say 'bye' but I didn't want to offend you." You spat out, taking your coffee and your bag with you as you headed out into the false spring weather. You were conflicted. You liked Kurt, that much you know, but as soon as Rachel grabbed you by your shirt to engulf you in that kiss, everything appeared to be questionable. The medium drip in your hand tasted sweeter and daybreak seemed brighter and… more worth it.
So you met up with Rachel dressed as Ryan O'Neal and she was dressed as Ali MacGraw. You, being the dapper gentleman that you are, offered your hand and didn't let go, even while you two were reciting lines from the movie. The only time you opened your hand was when you drove down the streets of Lima, Ohio so that you can drop off the girl that made you demand answers from everything since a week ago.
You thought about kissing her again, but Kurt appeared in the back of your mind. His face, covered in tears, sobbing at how unfair you are, how you broke his heart. So instead of kissing Rachel at her doorstep, you hugged her briefly and made a run for it.
Lying on your bed, nothing was in your mind except how Rachel's lips glistened, lit by the orange porch lights and her lip gloss. It haunted you until you tumbled off the deep end, dreaming about the same thing that haunted your consciousness. Namely the desire to feel her once more.
You didn't see her for at least a week because midterms were a major thing in Dalton Academy. That, and regionals were coming up. You had to practice. You are, after all, the soloist of the Warblers. It was a fact you carried with pride.
The coffee shop was bustling when you popped in and eager for your post-rehearsal medium drip. You glanced around and greeted Rachel with a bright smile until you were attacked.
By Rachel Berry's super soft lips that tasted vaguely of strawberries and apprehension.
She sucked you in and let you go. You blinked. You saw Kurt and his contorted features, and something tugged against your chest. You can't do this to him, so you do it to her (and to yourself) instead.
"Yup, I'm gay. One hundred percent gay. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Rachel."
You were lying through your teeth and you knew it. But the relief that washed across Kurt's features was worth it. However, you tried to avoid Rachel's face. You can't see her face. You can't see how hurt she was, except that you just did.
"Can you save my spot in line? I have to go run to the bathroom." You smiled and rushed away from the brunette. You leaned against the sink and attempted to forget about the only girl that made you feel like this. Like her presence will do nothing but make you feel better. Like you are a prince and she is the queen.
At the same time, Kurt resided in your heart. You don't know if you love him, but you do have feelings for him.
In that moment, you hated yourself for your uncertainty.
You busied yourself with Regional preparations, side jobs that involved singing in odd places and schoolwork. For the first ten days, it worked like a charm. You still talked to Kurt, but it was all in passing. Same with Rachel. You can't stand to spend too much time with either of them. Your chest started hurting because of your indecisiveness and you knew it.
Wes and David were there for you, and you couldn't thank them enough. Although you noticed that they sided with Kurt because they only see Rachel as Glee competition. But even so, they were there for you nonetheless.
After the first ten days, you were having withdrawals. You wanted to hear Rachel's voice; you wanted to make Kurt laugh. But you were fully aware that you can't have both, so you settled for the latter. You tried to convince yourself with the lie that you told Rachel and the world ten days ago. I'm gay. Yup, one hundred percent gay. Thanks for clearing that up for me, Rachel.
You took Kurt on explicit dates after that, chanting the mantra in your head the entire time you both watched Moulin Rouge at the Revival Theatre.
The same theatre you held hands with Rachel.
Except this time you're with Kurt. And you weren't holding anyone's hand.
Kurt thanked you for a wonderful night when you took him home. You stood before him by his front door, just like that time you took Rachel home. Kurt's features were lit with an invisible light, and his lips feebly glistened with faded chapstick. You grabbed his hand and tugged him close to you for a kiss.
It wasn't the same. It didn't feel the same.
In fact, it didn't feel like anything.
And you hated yourself again. This time for drawing the parallels.
Rachel called you two hours after you dropped Kurt off. You sensed the weariness in her voice, probably from all the drama in her own school. You tried to be as nonchalant as possible but apparently she had you all figured out.
She told you that Kurt was just on the phone with her, recapping your date with him. She told you how happy you made him, how he was giddy and his voice was oddly high-pitched the entire time that he was retelling the events of the night. The guilt racked your lungs and it made everything hurt.
Rachel asked you if you were alright, and of course you said yes. Lying through your teeth again, she scoffed 'yeah, right'. She demanded that you tell her the truth and promised that she won't tell Kurt if it concerned him.
You laughed and stated that it wasn't about Kurt—or technically it concerned him indirectly. Rachel just chuckled and demanded, again, that you tell her the truth.
"I think I have feelings for you." You blurted out.
Then there was silence. Silence that echoed against your ear canals, making your heartbeat reverberate against the tight confines of your chest. You called out her name, and you heard her clear her throat from the other end of the line.
"Are these 'feelings'" you heard her stress the word. "the same ones you have for Kurt?"
"No," you replied. "It's more than that."
Another line of silence, and the jitters began to gnaw in the walls of your stomach.
"We're not doing this through the phone."
You sighed when she hung up. Whoever said heterosexuality was easier in the heart was wrong. There might be fewer societal repercussions but the emotional angst is the same everywhere. But at least it meant you're in love.
You kept up the tirade of being in love with Kurt, and it surprised you that no one called you out on that. It hurt you either way, being gay by day and bi at night. You laughed at yourself. You're an idiot. You are a fool.
Every night Rachel would call. Or you would. No matter what happened that day, a conversation between the secret love of your life was a must.
When the day you had to meet up with Rachel came, you were a bucket of nerves and antsy feelings. You bought your medium drip and conquered a secluded booth so that you can blurt out your feelings in a somewhat private manner.
Rachel arrived and you slid a cup of soy latte before her. She smiled gratefully as she took the first sip. You watched. You cannot comprehend the words that were floating in your head, in what was supposed to be the details of your love confession, so you just blurted it all out.
"I think I'm in love with you."
Rachel looked up with her doe eyes filled with emotion. "No you're not."
You shrunk at her absolution. "How would you know?" You mumbled.
"We kissed, and we were drunk." She said matter-of-factly. "It meant nothing."
You swallowed a lump of something down your throat. You felt your eyes burn and you can no longer look at the beautiful view that sat before you, whose eyes were filled with determination.
"And even if it was true, we can't be involved with one another." She said softly. "You're with Kurt and he loves you… And I'm with Finn."
"Again?" You demanded. "When did this happen?"
"That's none of your business."
That was true, but who's to say that the fact wouldn't hurt any less?
"As I was saying, you and I are not a possibility." Rachel stated.
"You know," you chuckled gently. "If you don't like me back, just say so. There's no need for you to hide behind excuses of Kurt and Finn. Just tell me the truth."
This time, you looked up at Rachel's features that spoke volumes, at least to you. Seeing yourself in her chocolate eyes told you that you want nothing more than to be the only one that those eyes reflect. The way she pursed her lips, the way her eyebrows twitched, and the way her voice resonated within that tiny booth…
At the risk of sounding like a selfish prat, you wanted it all.
To tell Kurt that you are in love with his best friend will destroy him. To tell him that you feel nothing when you kiss him will break his heart. But to lead him on, singing 80s love songs and drinking coffee together like an old married couple only to reveal that you are more in love with Rachel Berry than you ever were with him would just kill him.
What should you do? What can you do? What can you say that will make being with Rachel acceptable and not painful?
Rachel gave you until today to tell Kurt the truth. The truth that consists of her effect in your lungs, chest and heart. How she could make you jump with a single touch. How she could bring you to attention with the single utterance of your name.
You sat in the Dalton Academy common room, legs crossed and hands interlocked together to rest upon your knee. You were waiting for Kurt to arrive while you tried to fill the creepy hollow in your left ribcage with something, anything. The medium drip in your veins wasn't helping either.
"I got your text, what's up?" Kurt asked, taking a seat on the couch on the opposite side of you. When you saw his lovestruck face, the crinkle on the corner of his eyes, you wanted to break down. But, the promise of Rachel Berry holding your hand for all eternity as you two sing duets to one another kept you together.
"Kurt…" You began, trying your hardest to hide the quiver in your voice. You are a Warbler. You voice is incapable of trembling. "I need to tell you something. Promise me you won't hate me."
"Never." He smiled at you. You felt the hairline fracture somewhere in your porcelain heart break into something more, and you gripped your knee tightly.
"I… have feelings. For someone else."
You watched as Kurt's blinding smile collapsed into a grimace. His previously uplifted face drooped into a reality of anguish and sorrow.
"Let me guess." His voice was ragged around the edges. "You have feelings for Rachel."
"Yes." You answered, looking away from Kurt.
"Why?" He hissed, slamming his History textbook against the coffee table. "You kissed, big deal! You were drunk, obviously your senses were impaired—"
"Or heightened." You muttered.
"You said you're one hundred percent gay." He spat.
"I'm wrong."
"She goes to a different school."
"We have the weekends."
"She's in love with Finn."
You stopped. You have nothing to say to that, because even with the promise that you could be something with her, it didn't mean that she's not in love with the freakishly tall quarterback.
"Do you realize what you're doing?" Kurt asked weakly. Tears were in his eyes, and his cheeks were flushed with heat and anger. "You're throwing what we have for a fifty-fifty chance with Rachel. You're disregarding our chemistry for the drunken make-out session you had with her."
"This is love." You replied. Simple as that. It's all about taking chances.
Kurt rolled his eyes amidst the tears that dripped down his sharpened face. "Yeah, okay." He gritted out. "Screw you, Blaine."
"Kurt—"
"Don't even bother." He hissed, spinning around with fire in his eyes that might as well burn you like the fires of hell. "You did what you have to do to be with her. Now I want to see you try."
You gulped and nodded. He clenched his fist around the leather strap of his bag before leaving the common room.
Now, all you have left to do is to win the girl.
William McKinley High School was a jungle. Everywhere, jocks pushed losers. Cheerleaders strutted about with their pleated skirts swaying with their butts. You saw none of this, because you are a man with a mission. You need to see Rachel Berry, and tell her your truths.
You stormed down the hallways, searching for the Glee club room, aware of the fact that you stuck out like a sore thumb with your uniform. Students turned their heads to take a look at you but you paid them no attention. There was only one thing that mattered, and she was standing there, pinned against her locker by a freak tower named Finn.
The universe didn't cease all movement for you. In fact, everything seemed to move faster. Faster, with warp speed. That is, until Rachel pulled her lips away from Finn long enough to throw a fleeting look towards you.
If you were being honest, the whole world didn't feel as if it was collapsing around you. At that moment, you remembered everything that you ever experienced with Rachel. The kiss, the duet, the coffee and the tears. You felt them, all wrapped up in that single glance that threw your heart off-axis.
You said nothing; felt nothing. You just turned around and walked away from her and all the feelings she just made you suffer through.
After all, what is there to say?
You're so cute with your blazer and your reviews :)