I know what you're thinking.
What the fuck am I doing writing about what the gravestones of characters would say?"
Yes? Am I right? Or are you instead thinking; "How fucking morbid to even think up such things!"
Correct? Well before we begin, let me explain.
This idea came up one late night when my friend, who we shall only call S, was staying over at my place and we couldn't get to sleep. For some reason, or other, we started to talk about our hate for Twilight and its ridiculously ludicrous characters. I suddenly suggested what would be written on Edward's gravestone, and so began the quite hilarious, if not crude, mission to come up with as many funny sayings on our favourite and most hated character's gravestones.
S: Call us evil, call us sick. But you can't deny, we came up with some funny shit! Hey look! I rhymed!
Me: Er... no, you didn't!
S: It sounded like it!
Me: Well it isn't!
S:... Fuck you!
Gaston
S: Wow. We sure aim high don't we? What a way to start this off! We're killing Mickey Mouse!
Me: Ha! He's annoying anyway!
S: And Goofy? Donald? Minnie?
Me: THEY ALL SUCK!
S: Well gooooosh, Hollie. A-hyuck! A-hyuck! Why're you such a bitch?
Me:... Fuck you!
S: Not so nice, is it?
Me: If you're easily offended, then please read no further! You have been warned. Don't leave us horrible reviews.
S: Every horrible review makes Mickey Mouse cry!
Me: We all know someone like Gaston; someone with their head so far up their own ass, it's amazing they can see where they are going! Someone who genuinely believes they are marvellous or special, even though they have the charm of a slug and intelligence of a fish!
S: Except when he's played by Hugh Jackman. Then he IS amazing and special. Huba, huba...
Me: Hands off, I saw him first!
S: Can't we share him?
Me: NO!
S: *Sad Face*
Me: Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Here lies Gaston
Born: The poor provincial town
Died: The Beast's Castle, France
No one dies like Gaston!
Me: Hey, S, shouldn't your genius song come here?
S: Yes, Hollie. Yes it should.
God it disgusts me to see you, Gaston,
Lying all bloody and hurt!
Everyone cried when they saw you Gaston,
as you lay covered in dirt.
There's no one who knows what transpired for you,
so all we can do is ask why?
I was the one who admired you most,
which is why I have my own 'goodbye.'
No one dies like Gaston!
No one cries like Gaston!
No one's skull breaks incredibly quick like Gaston's!
It's a shame he died in such a way,
Must have been nasty for him.
You can hear everyone whisper and say,
That every bone in him was broken limb from limb.
No one yells like Gaston
Tripped and fell like Gaston
No one's burning and screaming in Hell like Gaston!
When it comes to death, yes, he was the very best!
Oh so mangled, poor Gaston.
Me: So evil...
S: Quietly whistles...