A/N: So, this sort of idea has been done before, as it originates from Azumanga Daioh. The most noteabe fanfiction to use it so far, and the first one of this style that I read, is The Fortune of Mrs Sakura by KalliopeStarmist. The reason I decided to borrow the idea (WITH FULL PERMISSION, THANK YOU VERY MUCH) for Fairy Tail is this: Fairy Tail fandom is seriously lacking in the crack department. As the self-proclaimed QUEEN OF CRACK, it is my new personal mission to change that.

So, without further ado…

Disclaimer: Idea is Property of KallipeStarmist. Characters are property of Hiro Mashima… for now.

Beta'd by the beautiful RoRo, my falafel friend.

Mrs. Lucy—Wait, WHAT?

Chapter 1

It's All in the Cards

Cana was not a happy mage at the moment. Her fist came down on the bar of Fairy Tail as her lips formed around the most repugnant inquiry she had ever conceived: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO BEER?" She demanded.

Mirajane raised a delicate eyebrow at the pissed off woman sitting opposite the bar from her. "You drank it all. The beer. The wine. The sake. Everything." The beautiful barmaid and sometimes-gravure-model reminded her.

A vein began to pulse in Cana's forehead. How could Mirajane be so calm about this? This was a travesty of the worst kind! A disaster! The apocalypse! "But I'm almost sober!" She exclaimed. She hadn't been sober since she was thirteen, for god's sake. The hangover would kill her. She must keep drinking.

"Well maybe it's time for a change of pace." Mirajane suggested in a placating manner.

Cana's anger did not subside. "You cannot be serious!" She accused. "When's the next shipment of beer arrive in this godforsaken place?"

Mirajane shrugged. "There's nothing else to do for it, Cana. There's not a single ounce of liquor left in the whole guild and the next shipment won't arrive until next month. You're just going to have to find something to entertain you until then since you've been banned from every other bar in Magnolia."

Feeling depressed, but still mainly pissed off, Cana spun atop her bar stool to face the rest of the guild at large. "Like what? What could possibly hold me over until there's more beer?" She asked with a groan, leaning back against the counter. Her eyes hopefully slid over Macao, but her heart was ripped out when she saw his new girlfriend walking over to him, waving. Cana sighed with self-pity. Did anybody have a more pathetic love life than her? She needed a beer to be able to stand this. Make it two.

"Why don't you try making friends with the new guild members? You've hardly spoken to Juvia or Gazille since their arrival. And Lucy's been here for about half a year, but you've never had a proper conversation with her. I'm sure you'd be good friends." Mirajane suggested, pointing out the people as she spoke of them.

Mirajane, Cana knew, had always been quite the meddler in the relationships of Fairy Tail, platonic and romantic alike. Cana decided to at least consider her suggestion, if only out of sheer boredom because, really, without drinking, what was she supposed to do? Gazille was leaning against a wall, anti-social as ever, trying to ignore Jet and Droy talking to Levi even though it clearly bothered him. Juvia was lurking behind a pole, blushing as she observed one of Gray's daily strip sessions. No, no, those love-struck puppies wouldn't do. Their fledgling romances would only serve to depress her further.

With that, her eyes fell upon Lucy, who looked to be suffering at the hands of one of Natsu's taunts as he laughed and pointed boisterously at her. Lucy was somewhere between depressed and pissed off. Cana immediately sensed a kindred spirit. That, and a potential victim. Nothing cheered up the grouchy alcoholic quite like teasing. This was one of the main reasons she was a part of Fairy Tail. Teasing each other was their specialty (along with property damage and dragon slayer mages) and Lucy was one of the best people to tease of all time. Her reactions were always over the top. Even after months of being exposed to Natsu, she hadn't mellowed.

Watching Natsu gesticulate madly and do a sort of dance and the way Lucy's face flushed with rage and embarrassment, Cana wondered if something really was going on between those two… She was, of course, running the pool in the guild on whether or not they were together. Odds were fifty to one, as it stood. The reporters from Weekly Sorcerer were all over it, too. Lucy and Natsu occasionally graced a Fairy Tail article in the gossip rag, speculating their relationship status. Luckily, neither Natsu nor Lucy were subscribed (Lucy could no longer afford it, and Natsu couldn't care less) and everybody decided it was for the best that they didn't know (even teasing had its limits and they drew the line at Lucy setting some stellar spirits on the magazine's headquarters).

Lucy appeared to concede defeat in the face of Natsu's jokes, beginning to ignore him and pout. Natsu only laughed more and collapsed onto the bench next to her, throwing his arm around her shoulder. Just then, Loki made his appearance, materializing out of thin air, dressed for battle. He glared at Natsu and removed said boys arm from around Lucy's shoulder, no doubt saying something about how she was his woman.

Suddenly, watching them, something occurred to Cana. It'd been awhile since she'd plotted such mischief but she really felt the idea possess her. "Mira?" She asked, absently reaching for her feather purse that held her cards and stroking its soft exterior like villains stroke their fluffy white cats.

"Hmm?" Mirajane answered, bemused as she too watched Natsu, Lucy, and Loki before Gray also appeared to make small talk with Loki and discreetly sit on Lucy's other side, a little closer to her than was really called for on the otherwise empty bench. Juvia was beginning to boil in the background.

"I've got an idea." Cana whispered. "And I think you'll like it."

The evil tone in Cana's voice finally caught Mirajane's attention. "What is it?" She asked pleasantly.

Cana smiled, pure evil sleeping between her teeth, and stood up, ignoring Mirajane's question; Cana had always prefered to explain by actions. Swinging her hips just for the hell of it, and possibly for Macao's benefit, she walked over to the table Lucy was sitting at. "Lucy!" She called, plastering a fake smile on her face.

Lucy turned around, sufficiently surprised to find the older girl calling out to her. "Cana?" She asked.

Cana grabbed Lucy's arm and began pulling her. "Let's go, you're coming with me."

Lucy slipped off the bench and allowed herself to be pulled without resistance. "Wh-what?" she asked, confused. She had no objections to going with Cana, who seemed perfectly normal when compared to her friends who had a habit of destroying property, taking on impossible challenges, and launching into battles without warning, but she remained confused. Cana wasn't exactly a part of their circle, being the longest standing Fairy Tail mage in the guild at the moment. In fact, Lucy was sort of flattered.

Loki pouted at the loss of entertainment and dematerialized, returning to the spirit world.

Natsu scowled after Cana and Lucy. "Where are they going?" He asked.

Gray shrugged.

"Gray, your clothes." Happy chirped.

Gray looked down at himself, finding his body naked aside from his boxers. "GAH!" He exclaimed. "When did this happen?" He demanded, searching around madly for his clothes.

Natsu laughed at him.

Meanwhile, Cana was dragging Lucy to the bar.

"What exactly are you going to do?" Mirajane asked happily, completely unfazed by the bloodthirsty look on Cana's face.

"Oh, Mira, this is going to be fun." Cana smiled like a wolf.

Lucy twitched and began to sweat. What had she gotten herself into? She didn't have a chance to ask. Cana had ducked the two of them under the bar, gabbed Mirajane with her other hand, and led them into the back room. It was typically used for storage, but there was a table and a few chairs as well, for whenever staff wished to take a load off and play a few rounds of poker.

Cana let go of them long enough to close the door behind her and lock it. "Sit yourselves down, ladies; we're gonna have ourselves a fortune telling."

Lucy was immensely relieved. It seemed Cana wasn't planning anything too dangerous that would, say, inflict bodily harm. She smiled at the older girl as she took her seat, suddenly craving friendship. She really wanted to have more female friends; Erza and Levi were great and all, but Natsu and Gray were so utterly male that she felt she was constantly swimming in their excess testosterone. "What kind of fortune telling?" She asked politely.

Cana smiled, sitting down on her chair backwards like a common brute. "A love fortune." She said, pulling a single card out of her purse and flicking in onto the empty table in front of Lucy. "Pick a card, any card." She said mockingly.

Lucy looked at the card suspiciously, but, in the end, decided to pick it up. It looked like a simple playing card: just a plain old ace of hearts, but Lucy could feel magic in it. "Err…" She began, not knowing what to say, when Cana swiped the card back and placed it on the table face down again.

"Good." Cana said. "Now, this little card has predicted all of your possible future husbands." She said, tapping the card which suddenly turned into a sizeable stack of cards. Cana surveyed the pile. "Seems like you're popular," she smirked. "Each of these represents one of your future husbands." She explained, patting the small deck.

"I don't get it." Lucy said, looking up to Mirajane for instruction but Mirajane was too busy ogling the stack of cards. Her meddling curiosity clearly showed on her face. She wanted to know, so bad, who Lucy would marry. Maybe she'd have her wedding at Fairy Tail! Oh, a Fairy Tail wedding! It sounded absolutely wonderful. And then Fairy Tail babies!

"Well, the cards are about to run a simulation of your future." Cana said simply, whilst the pile began to produce a soft red smoke as if it were partially on fire. "Mira and I will be with you the whole time, just in your mind, to watch after you and weigh in. Meanwhile, you will be physically present in a possible one of your futures with one of your possible future husbands for twelve hours each until you run out of hubbies."

Lucy blushed. Her future husband…? Her mind couldn't even process it. Sure, she'd thought about boys before, but never about actually marrying one. What did Cana's cards have in store for her? She knew plenty of boys, thanks to being a Fairy Tail mage, but… marrying one? She'd never even had a proper boyfriend!

She resigned herself to her fate though. She was, despite herself, desperately curious and excited. Besides, there was no way out of it now. This was all just a simulation, right? A novelist's heart wouldn't be swayed by games like these. She had nothing to worry about. The smoke from the cards began to fill the room and she felt herself slipping into blackness.

"Inhale the smoke." Cana instructed Lucy and Mirajane as Lucy barely held onto the cusp of consciousness.

Lucy obeyed, breathing the smoke deep into her lungs, and felt, very strangely, like she was falling.

-End Chapter-

A/N: Ahh, so short! Don't worry, future chapters will be longer. Also, Scrumdidileeumptious readers? Please don't kill me. I swear I'll update soon!

Pairing requests should be left in a review. Thanks for reading!