Chapter 36 – Tug of War

Miaka.

It was the only word they heard - loud and clear - before the awkward silence filled their space. Just one word, enough to awaken both lovers from their physical confession.

But it wasn't just a mere calling of her name. Laced with it were reactions such as shock... followed by a confronting denial gaze?

And for a brief moment, Miaka was brought back to that memory just not so long ago. At the garden's villa, soaked was she in her own tears and the comforting rain that it didn't matter for how long she stayed there until she was joined by Alexis. And there, she poured her heart out... her deepest wishes and darkest desires... including her weakest weakness.

The thumping of her heartbeat has changed to something of... fear.

She didn't know... she wasn't sure how she would handle the suddenly freezing atmosphere. All she just wanted was to cry. How can she expect herself to grasp the situation when she was obviously no longer has the grip of her own self-control and preservation? The steering wheel had snapped out of her hold and was now going on its own dangerous path.

A brief tender squeeze of her hand was enough to wake her from that fear of reality. Still, she didn't want her hazel eyes to meet his golden-brown orbs no matter how tempting it was to go back to that kaleidoscope world. But then, she felt the need to cling to that life support. Was it wrong to feel it was all she needed at this moment?

And then she heard the words that will shatter everything.

"Mr. Wong." She heard Alexis address the former emperor with barely contained emotion. "Madam Wong is bleeding. She needs you."

There was a pause, the briefest silence on her part before she was able to absorb it. It was slow... and then it hit her like a boomerang. Bleeding... and she gasped.

Miaka gasped, and the beautiful colors of kaleidoscope she just created with the former emperor shattered into millions of pieces turning it into dust.

One small gasp was all that escaped from her mouth as if she was a helpless fish caught out of water. But confused as she was, she didn't know, wasn't sure if that small but sharp intake of breath was because it hit her straight home that there was someone or something dreadfully in danger... or maybe it was for the simple fact that the strong hands of the man she loved that were firmly holding her some minutes ago, keeping her warm and safe had let go of her hands to deal with the coldness of the atmosphere... and now she suddenly felt as cold as the air itself...

"Where is she?" David asked in frantic voice.

Miaka could only watch in resigned countenance as Alexis answered David's question.

"She's at the main lobby with the manager. I'm waiting for the valet to get my car."

Miaka didn't know for sure how or when David took those steps towards the door and away from her, but it was sure quite fast... quite sudden that she was left alone in that garden.

Alone once again...

Even with the presence of another person, a friend whom she considered close to her heart that a few hours ago made his own confession to her. She still felt utterly alone... and lonely.

Miaka looked down only to see her abandoned hands found purchase on the large self-flower at the hem of her box pleated skirt. Instinctively, she clenched it tightly if only to negate the roaring pulse in her ears. As if a gong has struck her, and she has lost her sense of hearing. There was an unknown fear that has started to sprout from the bottom of her heart, it was enveloping her in cold dread.

Was she afraid because Alexis caught them red-handed?

Was she afraid that the painter will spew ill words such as filthy whore?

She was caught up in her fear of being judge when her pair of hazel eyes widened once more in complete and utter horror.

Was she the cause of the woman's unexpected bleeding?

She choked out and covered her mouth with her trembling hand, tears littered her delicate cheeks. Her body swayed listlessly and bumped on the coffee table as she found herself unable to remain upright and steady. She was shaking and terrified, absolutely terrified her moment of weakness will cause one dear life. Surely, she understood how it must feel to witness the man you loved the most kissing and embracing another woman.

"Miaka..."

Miaka abruptly looked up at the door's direction, startled. She couldn't believe David went back for her and see her broken state. His golden-brown eyes met hers, that in a fleeting moment glistened in hope upon hearing his voice, only to see his silent plea for understanding.

Was David really asking, begging her to understand the situation? Distraught, Miaka's eyes blurred with unstoppable tears. Despite her guilt, there was that insecure and possessive part of herself that thought it was impossible to be selfless knowing where the former emperor's heart belongs. If she was another person, she would sneer and scoff in indignation. It was plainly absurd. Yet, there was her incognizant reply. She couldn't understand how her head nodded quietly in understanding, moving in its own free will.

Je ferais n'importe quoi si tu me le demandais...

I will do anything if you ask me too...

And that one part of her selfish heart has just realized how she can truly give everything for this man even in a silent plea.

David took her small nod as assurance, and then he was gone... again...

"Miaka."

Too quickly, Miaka's eyes turned to Alexis's direction as if his voice was enough to put her in a defensive stance. But she wasn't moving at all, and if not for the ignorance of her own trembling, it looked as if she was ossified.

"Let's go, we need to hurry," David said. His voice was filled with urgency and coldness enough to form a small pressure around her chest. It was painful enough to cause a visible strain on her pale face.

Miaka's body moved mechanically, restraining the urge to run to his chest to cry and beg for his understanding. Everything was just too much as if she was practically depleted of both morals and intelligence.

"David will use my car, so I have to drive his car instead. We'll meet them at the hospital," He explained while they rushed to the front door.

When David saw them approaching, he immediately advanced towards them. "Mr. Durand, may I ask the amount of wine you had tonight?" He inquired hastily.

"I only had one glass of wine," Alexis responded just as quickly.

"I consumed more than I can remember, I'm worried it will impair my ability to drive," He said matter of factly.

"Are you really this irresponsible?" Alexis almost snarled in anger and grabbed the key from the approaching valet.

Though the former emperor only responded in quiet indifference, Miaka flinched next to Alexis in guilt, aware that she was partly to blame for provoking David to drink. Alexis did not bother to hide his mounting anger, and the only reason why he ceased from speaking any longer was because of Daphne. He was aware that arguing will only cause the pregnant woman unnecessary stress.

Miaka clasped her purse tightly, her fists turned almost white. She was seated noiselessly beside Alexis at the visitor area inside the emergency room a few meters away from where Daphne's bed was situated. With head bowed down and eyes staring aimlessly at the floor tiles, Miaka's mind seemed to have been disconnected to her body, yet every word uttered by the attending doctor to David of Daphne's condition drilled in her ears.

Unable to hear the rest, she hastily stood up despite the shaking of her knees and walked out of the emergency room towards the parking lot, not noticing the worried looks that followed her.

Bracing herself from the chilling breeze, Miaka tried with all her might to calm down. But the more she tried, the more she hyperventilates. She moaned and clutched her chest with her right fist, hoping it would soothe her nerves or maybe, her guilt. It was not even five minutes when she felt a pair of hands touching the sides of her arms. Startled, she gasped and turned rigid, knowing who the person was that was gently stroking her cold skin. Alexis would never approach her, not in this way. This is too intimate.

David. Why has he come for her? She stepped out because she already could not breathe with guilt.

She could not erase the image of Daphne in her memory. Fresh blood dripping down her legs and staining her expensive dress. There was too much chaos and shouting. Miaka could barely understand the noises surrounding them. She could only hold Daphne's hands and whisper soothing words.

"It's okay... It's okay... Don't worry... Don 't cry... nothing bad will happen... everything will be okay."

Her heart thudded slowly in broken staccato; lungs started to shrink. She sobbed quietly, there was nothing she could do when another image flashed before her. Daphne was crying in pain and panic, calling out David's name before they entered the emergency room. She could only listen to their frantic speaking using their own native language she could not comprehend.

She could do nothing when Alexis took her by her shoulder. She could do nothing but stare at her blood-covered hands.

"She's okay now," David said in a low voice.

And the baby? She mumbled only to herself and felt her heart paused from beating.

"Both of them are in stable condition now," He answered as if reading her mind.

Miaka closed her eyes and breaks a shaky sigh of relief. Thank God... thank God...

The news left her guilt-stricken conscience reprieved of contempt. She felt a knife was taken out from her chest and had never felt relieved for a long time. Should something happen to anyone of them, she knew she will forever hate and curse herself.

Yet she could not ignore the warm hands that were slowly and tenderly sliding down her bare arms. Her eyes turned glassy. This was why she could not bear the thought of seeing him again. Their proximity was intoxicating, and she can't help it. She felt the danger right in front of her, yet it was tempting, like a moth to a flame.

She was weak.

And she loved him.

And without doubt he was still in love with her.

Dear Suzaku, she felt it. All of it. In the way his strong arms encased her. The way his fingers fluttered on her skin. The way he caressed her with sweet yet burning kisses. The way he whispered her name like a plea

Their heartbeats in synchronicity.

Oh she should be hopping her way to seventh heaven instead, she was stuck between a rock and the cliff. There was an inner battle, a tug of war between her personal principles, and fighting for her right to love the same man.

Star-crossed lovers. That's what they are.

Miaka avoided looking up at the dark sky. For the first time, she could not bring herself to look for those twin stars engulf in such cold darkness. She was afraid she'd only see one star without its twin soul and realize what David said earlier was true.

She loved him so much she wanted to scream that he was her life. And right now, she needed to hold onto something, anything if not sit down before the weight of her own conflicting emotions crashed down on her.

Miaka didn't realize when she brought her hands to embrace herself from the coldness. She was not aware of how hard she was biting her lower lip just to contain the new aching feeling. She wasn't conscious of her trembling body... she didn't know how openly vulnerable she looked like.

David wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to his chest. He felt her shaking form even her suppressed emotion, and he wanted nothing but to take away all her fears and doubts.

"We're here."

Miaka blinked, startled by the voice on the driver's seat. Where? She wanted to ask but felt her tongue trapped in her throat. In fact, she didn't know when the last time was, she uttered a word. She can't even remember the last time she was in control of her own body. She felt like a tiny weightless feather being blown away by the wind to the direction she didn't know where.

She angled her head to the side, looking out from the window of the front passenger seat. The first movement she was fully aware of after they left La Belle, and was again startled to see a familiar building. Alexis has stopped his car in front of her apartment. She stared at the path that leads to the building. She had no idea the painter will bring her home from the hospital.

Fiddling with the buckle of her seat, Miaka wondered if she was ready to take the stairs and open the door. Would it be too much to ask if he took another route before he went home himself? She guessed it would be best to stay the night at Yuuki residence after the suffocating events that happened earlier.

The russet tried to speak, but it came out like nothing. Just like a voiceless whisper. It was when Alexis caught her kissing the former emperor that she lost the ability to speak. As if her vocal cords were shattered like broken glass.

It was her first date in three months, and everything had gone completely wrong. It was nice in the beginning, and she thought with positiveness that she was ready to really-finally move forward. She even thought they looked good together, and how sweet he was for dedicating such a romantic, realistic song for her. It made her happy. But then…

She didn't know what happened anymore.

All she can remember was the color of blood. On Daphne's legs. On her hands. On Alexis's car seat.

Her lips started to tremble. Great. She was deprived of a voice, and now her lips were shaking.

"Miaka..."

The former priestess was startled again by his voice. She wondered if this was how it felt to be guilty. Just a mere sound of a voice no matter how soft or neutral and without any trace of anger could still make someone jump from their seat. Why was he calling her name again? It means you have to get off the car now. Her inner voice prompts her, and she thought if that inner voice had her own pair of eyes, she swore it would roll its eyes in exasperation.

Miaka tried to reach for the door but realized her new dilemma. Her body seemed unable to move a muscle. What was wrong with her? The thought felt a bitter sting in her eyes. She wanted to cry and say she was sorry. She wasn't really meaning to act or think rudely after what had just transpired a few hours ago. And yet here she was planning to leave her friend without a word.

Alexis stepped out of the car without a word, and Miaka could only watch as the painter walked around it to her side to open the door. Before she could process the tangled emotions, she saw him standing there and offering his hand. Left with no other choice, Miaka gingerly placed her trembling hand atop his warm open palm. She realized they were walking up the stairs to her apartment when Alexis replaced his hand to hold her by the elbow.

They reached the front of her door with the same deafening silence.

"Did you forget your key?" He asked after minutes of just standing side by side.

Miaka swallowed and quietly reached for the keys in her black purse. She slid the key and turned the doorknob open. "Uhmm..." pursing her lips in nervousness. "Would you like some coffee?" she offered.

"No, thanks. I should be going. Tomorrow is a big day." He smiled thinly.

"Oh... right..." she murmured, pointer and middle fingers brushing her right eyebrow.

Alexis turned around, but Miaka called his name abruptly before he could take one step down the stair. Biting her lower lip, Miaka mustered her nerves, "Aren't you going to say something?"

From her peripheral vision, Miaka saw when Alexis made a turn to look at her. Unable to meet his eyes, she looked down while she gripped her keys nervously.

"What would you like to hear?" He asked calmly after some time.

"... I don't know..." She replied with the same confused hurt look, "...the truth?!"

"Truth?"

Miaka rolled her eyes, unable to push back the tears that escaped from her hazel pools. How she wanted to drop down and wail like a child. Why was it suddenly so difficult to talk to Alexis? "You knew?!" she shot back. "You knew all along... you already met them before... why you didn't tell me? In fact, you didn't need to tell me if you don't want me to be upset... but why did you have to leave me there?!"

Alexis watched her as she broke down pitifully.

"I'm sorry." They both said in unison.

Combing his now disarrayed hair, Alexis sighed tensely. "There are so many things to say, but I also don't know which one of them matters the most." He said in a low voice. "Maybe when my mind is clear, I'll know what to say."

"I'm so weak..." She whispered with hands cupping her face.

Alexis closed their gap and gathered her in his arms. "You're not weak... you're clearly in love."

Miaka sobbed and clutched his shirt in despair, hoping it will ease the pain in her chest. After going through the lengths of moving away and creating distance, she was still weak and so transparent. If Alexis had clearly seen what she really felt, what of David thinks? She was so predictable, so easy to break.

Alexis let her cry for a while, it was what she needed. After she calmed down, he pulled her back slightly and brought out his handkerchief to dry her tears. "Better?" she nodded in reply.

"You should sleep now. You have to be early tomorrow for your therapy." He said calmly. "I promised I'll talk to you again."

"Promise?" Miaka asked, hope glistening in her eyes. With a quiet sigh, the painter nodded, his smile not reaching his eyes.

Miaka leaned on the door with her eyes closed. Just as she thought, memories of David flooded her mind. She opened her eyes slowly and surveyed the living room. A sad-ghost smile slipped her quivering lips.

David kept the place clean and tidy. This apartment, for five years, was her place of solitude until she met Hotohori's reincarnation. Here was where she rebuilt her life and dreams once again. A faint scent of fresh flowers instead of stale air filled her nostrils. She looked around but doing so only reminded her of him... every door, every room, every nook and corner.

Taking a deep sigh, Miaka removed her shoes and replaced them with her comfy slippers. She hid a smile when she brushed a finger atop the shoe cabinet and found no speck of dust. It felt strange being away for so long. She walked towards the kitchen, brushing her fingers on the sofa and other places her hands can reach.

Reaching the threshold of her dainty kitchen, Miaka couldn't hide her surprise when she found the reason for this warm and pleasant feeling. Fresh vanda orchids, cool water roses, oriental lilies, lisianthus, and eucalyptus nicely arranged in a crystal vase and placed at the center of her dining table. Hazel eyes already filled with emotions so thick they spilled quiet tears. Miaka recalled her mom and Yui's words. They weren't exaggerating.

David faithfully looked after her apartment as if it was his own. Her fingers fluttered to each flower like a butterfly. She leaned closer and brushed her nose to one of the orchid's velvety petals. She smiled at the smooth feeling. The smell of eucalyptus soothed the throbbing of her heart.

Miaka looked around, and just like in the living room, the small kitchen, which was her favorite place in the apartment was obsessively clean. She sighed at the strangeness of it all.

Her eyes caught the fridge next to the doorway of the laundry area. Feeling a sudden thirst, she took an empty glass from the dish rack and opened the fridge, hoping there was still some mineral water left in the storage. Her eyes widened. Without another thought, she quickly opened the larder and found it filled with stocks and provisions as if she hadn't left for three long months.

The former priestess of Suzaku forgot all about her thirst in shock. She slowly shut the door and returned the glass on the dish rack in a daze. Miaka turned and made her way to the bedroom but stopped before her fingers could touch the knob. She swallowed, not knowing what to expect. And she realized the strange feeling was starting to overwhelm her. She was not sure she could handle it. She rested her forehead on the door and took some deep breaths to calm her nerves.

Opening the door was like opening a mysterious box. Was it a prank or a present? Was she nervous or excited? Would it hurt her or make her happy?

Miaka wrapped her hands on the doorknob. Closing her eyes, she twisted the knob and slowly pushed the door open. She reached for the switch, and with a quick flick, the light illuminated her bedroom.

Slowly, her eyes fluttered open and saw a bouquet of red roses tied in gold and silver trimmings. The russet leaned heavily on the door and swallowed hard, fresh tears brim her cheeks as she whispered his name in deep longing.

Before she could fall in a heap, Miaka walked closer and sat on her bed when her eyes noticed the picture frame of her and David on the bedside table. She reached for it, lightly touching the edges of the frame before her thumb brushed the former emperor's face with the same familiar longing.

She smiled sadly. Miaka remembered how she wanted to throw it away in her bout of anger. But she settled by putting it face down as if she had ended their relationship. What was he thinking when he saw it?

Her eyes blurred once more, and unbidden tears dripped down on the picture frame. She tried to dry it with her fingers, but the tears kept falling. A sob escaped her lips. Miaka placed the frame to her chest near her heart. She closed her eyes and hummed a song as she imagined David beside her.

Wiping her tears away, Miaka reached out for the bouquet of large-headed red roses and rosebuds and started to count them one by one. There was a dozen each. She smiled faintly. She cupped one fully bloomed rose and brought it to her lips. The russet closed her eyes and allowed her senses to drown into the abyss of the former emperor's memories. Their memories.

She was sinking again, but she doesn't know what to do with her white flag. What does it mean to raise or throw a white flag? To surrender. What was she surrendering for?

Was it surrendering when she let herself bare of emotions in front of David?

She loved him. She loved him so much that she was dying. She carefully embraced the fresh flowers when a small note dropped from the bouquet. She picked it up and read it.

My dearest Miaka,

I will wait no matter how long it takes.

Because I love you.

Just only you,

David

Just only you... Bowing her head, Miaka unconsciously gripped the edge of the bed with her free hand. "David... David..." She shut her eyes to restrain the tears that spilled abundantly. Her breathing turned labored, and she moaned audibly, hoping it would help to calm her down.

Just only you...

It was so simple and plain, and yet it meant everything to her.

Because it was said so simply and so plainly that her heart felt like it was going to explode from sheer happiness.

It was a sudden change in perspective, no matter how dismal. Miaka huffed shakily and wiped the tears that soaked her cheeks. She'd fight for him. It's only right after all they still both loved each other.

After all, Love is the biggest battle one has to fight...

I love you too, David... Just only you... Closing her eyes once more, she smiled contentedly.

"Oh well... I'm Daphne. Daphne Wong."

Her eyes snapped open.

"Madam Wong is bleeding. She needs you."

The bouquet fell from her grasp.

Wong?! Why didn't she realize it earlier? Why did she fail to connect the pieces of the puzzle? She was neither a girlfriend nor a mistress. Wong! She carried David's name and their child... their child...

All is fair in love and war...

Devastated, her hand loosened once more, dropping the picture frame that she held close to her heart since entering the bedroom.

"I lost..." She murmured, staring dazedly at the picture frame lying on the ground. "Not just the battle but the war..."

Was it surrendering for the greater good?

There was a lingering scent so familiar she almost missed it because of the smell of the roses. Miaka's eyes turned to the pillow, and with trembling hand took it, and brought it to her nose. It was David's scent, so strong and arresting, it almost knocked her senseless. It was as if he just slept on her bed the night before. The place wasn't just filled with his memories but all of him.

Miaka slowly lay down on the bed. The softness of it felt like an embrace. She buried her face to the pillow in desperation, hoping the smell would envelop her, consume her.

Just only you...

I love you, David, with all my heart but no matter... And even if you already knew, I still won't admit it. I will deny it. It's because I love you so much that I'm now willing to let you go. I won't be selfish anymore, David. You already lost Houki and Boushin. I won't let you lose Daphne and your unborn child.

Her tears didn't stop until she fell asleep. She lost the tug of war, and now it's time to raise her white flag.

It's time to surrender.

A/N

Well, hello there! I know, it's nice to see you again after all these years! I don't want to apologize and give a litany of excuses because it won't make up for my lack of updates. But I'm glad that I'm now able to write again, because like everyone else, our government has imposed total lockdown to contain the spread of the virus. I hope everyone is doing well. It's really sad and depressing, but I hope that things will go back to normal... soon.

Anyway, going back to this chapter. Ahh, what a roller coaster emotion. It feels like things are getting more complicated every time I write a new chapter. But love is such a complicated thing and Miaka despite her deep love is still struggling with her morals and the never-ending reminder of their lives in the universe of the four gods. So, yeah nothing is simple in this story.

Also, this chapter is pretty short compare to my previous chapters.

Ahh, I have no one to beta my work so I hope you'll forgive my mistakes. Finally, a BIG Thank You to all you guys who posted a review/comment. I definitely appreciate it. I hope to hear from you again. Like any other writer, a review fuels my motivation to write. I feel rusty though so please be nice when you criticize, It my first update since forever.

Lastly, belated Happy Birthday to our dearest Hotohori!