Title: Lost in the haze (Rachel's Pov)

Word count: 3,044

Warnings/Spoilers: Sexual references, coarse language, mentions of slash, sensitive subject matter (can't say what because it'd spoil it) and spoilers for 2x14

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot of this story.

Author's note: First off I'd like to offer a huge thank you to all of you who reviewed, faved and alerted or just read. I've never had such a popular response to my stories and it's a really great feeling so thank you. So I present to you Rachel's pov on that matter which I found is actually quite different from Blaine's and contrasts quite well-or so I hope. Unbeta'd so if you spot a typo let me know and I'll fix it, I hate missing typos. Anyway enjoy and feedback is love, love, love.

She's always told herself that she's never going to drink again after everything that happened at her party junior year and the whole getting thrown up on thing only helps back up her promise to herself. But she always slips a couple of times a year until she just says, "Fuck it" and stops trying not to drink anymore. Consequences be damned, sometimes you just gotta lose yourself in the haze and what better person to do that with than one Blaine Anderson? (They were both dealing with shit, her never feeling loved by Finn and him still so confused about who he really was. Together with bottle after bottle of tequila-amongst other liquids-they helped each other, in a strange and twisted way.)

The moment it hits her that her and Blaine don't have the most platonic of relationships is when they stay out all night and wander home at dawn, stopping in the park to watch the sunrise. She's got her heels dangling from one hand and he's clutching her other in his, fingers lazily entwined together. She suddenly thinks that if someone were to pass by and see them they'd assume they were lovers instead of friends. She wonders if that's what they're meant to be; future lovers. Or are they lovers already? Or is all this just in her head? She gives his hand a squeeze before dragging him away. They turn their backs on the sunrise, almost like they're running from it. (It was one week, three days and six hours later that they officially started sleeping together and she was still a little surprised. Even with all the foreshadowing.)

The guilt she expects to feel every time he kisses the corner of her mouth or neck or thigh, every time she sighs his name as he sighs hers, every time she lays tangled up in the sheets against him afterwards, tracing song lyrics on his chest; never comes. And she thinks she must be seriously messed up if she can't feel any guilt over continuously helping Blaine cheat on his boyfriend, on one of her best friends. (But then she always had been a selfish creature when it came down to it.)

They're relationship isn't healthy. She knows that. How can it be when it's built on alcohol induced lust and bitterness-at least on her part-and just the strong need to matter to someone in such a way? But then she dosn't think she's ever been in a healthy relationship in her short life and at least in this one Blaine actually cares about her in more than a good lay sort of way. (There was love amongst everything else but it got so deeply buried that she herself didn't even identify it until it was too late.)

Blaine's amazing, she's known that since the moment she first saw him sing. But he's not perfect. She thinks he wants everyone to think he is, with that dapper attitude of his and charming ways he managed to maintain throughout high school and beyond but she spends an awful lot of time with him now and to the contrary all their time is not spent screwing each other senseless-although it's a very high percentage. They talk, it's always been so easy to talk to each other and open up and share and all that. So she's pretty sure she's one of the few people that actually knows him properly. She's also pretty sure that she shouldn't be so deeply connected to her fuck buddy-because that's what he is when it comes down to it and secretly she wishes it wasn't so but she'll admit it's better than nothing. No matter how many people it may hurt in the long run. (In the end it was surprisingly no one but themselves that payed the price for their affair. Only they got really hurt and she often wonders if it was even worth it.)

Her wake up call comes in the form of Blaine's boyfriend and her best friend; Kurt Hummel, knocking on her apartment door as the two brunettes engage in less than innocent activities on her kitchen table. It's all a mad rush after they hear his voice float through the door and her heart is beating so quickly out of fear it almost feels like she may have some kind of heart attack. She throws on her winning show smile and attempts to push back the fear as she swings her door open to greet her friend who's boyfriend she's been fucking for a little short of six months. Yeah she's the best friend ever. Kurt greets her with a not quite overly annoyed glare before getting over her slowness of answering her door once he discovers what he thinks he interrupted. She feels a spike of unexpected guilt at the mention of Finn's name which is ridiculous because he should not be the one that makes her feel guilty about the situation for the first time ever when he does far worse behind her back-but it's not important right then. Turns out Kurt came to invite her to a 'little' halloween party he's hosting in two weeks time, deciding to do so personally as he happened to be stopping by her building. She asks how he even got buzzed in and he informs her it was her creepy stalker neighbour and tells her once again that it may be a good idea to move with freaks like that around. He then asks her if she's seen Blaine recently because he can't seem to get a hold of him despite them living together and then-right then, all the guilt she should of been feeling for months washes over her all at once and she wants to cry because she's been such a horrible person and how could she even think about hurting Kurt like this? Luckily Kurt leaves before the tears fall and she feels utterly hollow and a little sick when Blaine comes out of his hiding place and pulls her in to a hug. (She didn't realise that the queasy feeling wasn't so much down to the guilt but something else entirely. And in the end she never made it to that halloween party of Kurt's.)

Two days later and she feels like her life has just ended and it's all down to two little and all too clear blue lines on a white stick. Pregnant. She takes another test. Pregnant. She takes another.Pregnant... Yep her life just ended because she can not have her gay best friends boyfriends love child. She just can't. It's far too soap opera for her in a way that's not even funny but so tragically sad. She cries herself to sleep and throws up the following morning. All her dreams of being a broadway star feel utterly crushed because she can't possibly work with a bastard child on the way and for the first time ever she can sort of understand why Shelby gave her up when she was just a baby. But the difference between her and her mother is that she cannot physically give birth to this child. It's not right and it'll break Kurt's heart far more than it would for him to find out she and the love of his life have been involved in some sordid love affair. (She made her decision then and there and regretted it for the rest of her life. The expression, like mother like daughter never seemed so fitting.)

She has to end this, all of it. The affair, the baby, everything. Not just for herself or Blaine or hell, even Finn but for Kurt. This mess she's created, he just dosn't deserve to be on the receiving end of it. She's going to end whatever it is that's between her and Blaine then she's going to leave town, terminate her pregnancy and try to forget about it all and live her life far away from the mess she knows she'll leave behind. But first she has to confront Finn.

"I'm going out to meet Blaine." She says as she ties the bright red scarf-which is in such stark contrast to her grey mood-around her neck. Finn is strangely at her apartment, actually spending time with her-or rather spending time with her television.

"Okay honey." She hates being called 'honey' but what she hates even more is how he dosn't take his eyes off the game playing out on her television to speak to her.

"Don't you care?" She asks bitterly, suddenly having enough with it all. He still dosn't turn to face her.

"Why would I care?" He asks in such typical oblivious Finn fashion that she used to find incredibly endearing but now finds terribly annoying now that their relationship is so tainted. She grits her teeth angrily before answering.

"Oh I don't know. Maybe because I've been sleeping with him for the past six months?" This gets his attention. He stands up from his seated position on her couch and whirls round to face her, jaw slack. She feels hope flutter in her chest for a fraction of a second at the thought that just maybe this will get his attention in her enough to realise that he might still love her and he might still need her. She's desperate right now and despite everything she dosn't want to lose absolutely everything.

"When you say sleeping..." Finn trails off and she almost wants to scream in frustration.

"I mean screwing, fucking, intercourse, tumbling around in the goddam hay. Having. Sex. With." She explodes, her voice raising in to a shout. Stunned silence follows her outburst as they stare at each other.

"How could you?" He finally asks quietly and just when she thinks her anger has bubbled away it boils right back up to the surface again.

"How could I?" She spits, utterly outraged. "You're one to talk! I know about how you've been screwing around behind my back even before I started anything with Blaine. I'm not stupid you kno-" She's cut off however before she can go in to full rant mode.

"I don't mean to me." He interjects and any hope she might of had for their relationship gets completely exterminated in the next few moments. "Hell I think we both know this-this 'relationship' we're in is an utter joke!" He continues and she'd be lying if she said that his words don't fracture her already cracking heart even just a little bit. "I mean, how could you do this to Kurt?" He exclaimed in the disappointed and disapproving tone she's always hated so, so much. When he uses that tone it's like he thinks he's better than her or some twisted bullshit. She can feel the blind fury coursing through her very veins.

"Don't you dare!" She hisses, fists clenched. "I am ending things with Blaine precisely because of that; even though I'm pretty sure that I lo-" She catches herself there from spilling out the one thing that she hasn't even been consciously aware of until she almost says it. She dosn't love him. Does she? No. It was just a fling between friends, nothing more. Love isn't even on the radar for them. "You know what? It dosn't matter." She says, feeling so very tired all of a sudden. She crosses the space to her apartment door and lingers as she opens it. "We're over Finn. Me and you. And I'm leaving town." She whispers, knowing he'll hear her regardless. She looks over her shoulder at him then and is hurt by Finn Hudson for the last time as he dosn't even look particularly upset at her statement. Just angry and even then it's over the fact that she's been hurting his step brother. It makes her wonder if he ever did really love her at all. "Oh and don't you dare even think about telling Kurt about Blaine and I. Because I'm sorting all this mess out and his heart dosn't deserve to be broken because of some stupid affair." She on purpose misses out the 'meaningless' because she can't bring herself to lie anymore. With that she storms out the door and carries on her decent to heartbreak hotel. (Her final break up with Finn wasn't the most painful thing in her life but it sure as hell ranked high on the list.)

Blaine tells her he loves her in the park and that sentence should be the start of some ridiculous love story-musical with them as the main leads but it isn't. Because she's trying to end their relationship and she's carrying his unwanted child-which deep down she knows she should tell him about but is too scared to let the words tumble out. And the declaration hurts her far more than they fill her with joy when it should be the other way round, when the hurt part shouldn't even come in to it at all. She allows herself to say it back to him in her head. She can't say it out loud though otherwise her plan to sort the mess out will never get resolved and it damn well needs to be.

"No you don't." She answers his 'I love you' with in a much harsher tone than she meant to. The look on his face makes her want to cry, it's not even just like a kicked puppy but a puppy that's been abused by it's owners then kicked out of the car along the high way to fend for it's self. She hates that she made him look-feel like that. "We're only even ever attracted to each other when we've consumed alcohol anyway. It wasn't ever going to work out and now it's over so it's best we just go our separate ways and-" She begins tha mantra she's been repeating over and over in her head since walking out of her apartment but is cut off as he reaches out and places his hands either side of her head.

"Are we sober now?" He asks his voice firm, his eyes questioning and desperate. She can only nod and let what's about to happen, happen. He brings their lips together, their warm breath mingling together for a fraction of a second before they meet in an all consuming kiss. The kiss is desperate, a crash of tongues and teeth and she can feel him seeking out answers she can't give him but wants to do so terribly. There's no softness in it, no hesitation. This is a goodbye kiss between two doomed lovers and she knows that he knows this too but it dosn't make it any easier.

"Don't make this harder than it already is." She murmurs against his lips before drawing sharply away from him. This is it. This is the end and in typical dramatic fashion she flees the scene with a heavy heart and tears in her eyes. (Again it wasn't the most painful thing in her life, no that was yet to come but running away from Blaine was certainly in the top three.)

The night after the abortion is, hands down the worst of her life. She's an utter sobbing, mess and she can't get over how guilty and regretful she feels over the decision. She's moved back to Lima and moved back in with her dads and she never leaves the house, before and after the abortion. Not even curling up on the sofa with a tub of non-dairy ice cream and watching Sweet Charity can cheer her up. She's told her dads the whole story and they've been surprisingly sympathetic with her, she'd suspected them to be angry and disappointed with her but upon hearing her news they just pulled her in for a tight hug and told her everything was going to be okay. She dosn't believe them. (Yes that's right, killing her unborn baby was the most painful thing in her entire life. If she had a time machine she'd of went back a thousand times to stop herself from going through with it. But during those thoughts she never once for a second thought about going back to stop her and Blaine getting together in the first place.)

One year to the day she abandoned Blaine in that park she spots him leaving the Lima grocery store, brown bag in hand. She stops, frozen across the street and just stares at him for a moment. He looks good, better than she remembers. His hair isn't gelled back like it always used to be but is softly curling naturally and a little longer than a year ago. It brings back memories of her party junior year and how the more wasted he got the more mused up his hair became. He must of been able to feel her eyes on him because suddenly he's turned his head and is looking right at her. He looks surprised, and happy to see her and she can't help the smile that tugs at her lips. (They had a lot more to go through, feelings to talk about and problems to resolve but that moment, staring across the street at each other for the first time in a year was the fresh start for them and for once everything worked out alright in the end.)

The end.

Reviews make my world go round and I'd like to clarify that this is the official end but I am going to try and write more Raine fic so keep a look out ;)