Double-D: Ah, the Holiday season! That magical time of the year-

Eddy: Hold your reindeer there, Grandpa Christmas! If I'm countin' right-

Ed: Don't hold your breath, kids!

Eddy: - we did a damn Christmas thing two chapters ago.

Double-D: That would seem correct, yes.

Eddy: So what the hell? 6 months pass between us telling Jimmy a story?

Double-D: Well, we aren't really suppose to be all too eager to do so.

Eddy: Like it's believable enough that Cream Puff wouldn't just give up on us!

Double-D: Eddy, I hardly believe that the time frame in which this story takes place is of much importance to... Well, anybody.

Eddy: It's the damn principle of lazy ass writing-

Double-D: There's a very simple explanation to this, Eddy; time flows differently for us.

Eddy: You been sipping egg nog with Marie again?

Double-D: ... I thought we were not to talk about that. Ever.

Ed: A fine evening indeed!

Double-D: Gentlemen, what I'm trying to say is; while most people perceive time as to being linear-

Eddy: You lost me.

Double-D: A straight line, they experience time in a straight line; beginning to end.

Eddy: Aight, I can respect.

Double-D: Meanwhile, we experience it as being more of a bowl full of...

Ed: Wibbly wobbly timey-wimey jelly?

Double-D: Excellent parable, Ed.

Eddy: The fuck is that supposed to mean?!

Double-D: A fine example, remember the summer we spent as twelve-year olds?

Eddy: Of course; not a damn scam worked that year!

Double-D: Not without reason, Eddy. My point is; we experienced little more than a hundred notable 'Ed-ventures', some stretching over a noticeable period of days, whilst our summer vacation consisted of about seventy-eight days.

Eddy: So?

Double-D: The example proves my theorem! We are and have been in a state of temporal flux, heavens know for how long!

Ed: Holy timepiece!

Double-D: Quite so, quite so... Unfortunately, I think we better begin the telling of the tale; we've yet again demonstrated the differentials between our contributions to the narrative within the narrative while managing to include some obscure science and popular references that made this whole introduction redundantly long. Come along, fellows; yet another chance to spread the Christmas cheer!

Ed: Like the warm butter that melts upon the Christmas toast!

Eddy: Hey, come back here! Was that some kind of science-y geek way of saying we're immortal?! Double-D! You better know that don't count as my Christmas gift!

"I don't even know why I bother anymore."

"Because someone just had to go and offer him... I don't know, is it 11 or 13 stories?"

"It depends on how you see it, just like whether or not that last one counts as one or just one half."

"So it's like whether it's 8.5 or 9?"

"My brain hurts, guys."

"Yes, I'm not quite sure about the order myself."

"Screw the order, on with the story!"

"I agree, Jimmy; is it not the stories told and the ones yet to come that are important?"

"... What the fuck are we even talking about?!"

"Language, Eddy." It was that magical time of the year again; Kwanzaa. The three storytellers had once again been coaxed by Jimmy to continue their task and, in honor of the holiday, had been asked to tell the most fantastic Kwanzaa story they could think of. Or Hanukkah story. Or Christmas. Whichever suited them best.

"Let's just get this over with, I can feel my skin getting wrinkled by the minute." To avoid the last Christmas debacle that Ed so pleasantly caused by climbing up the chimney, the customer of their service had, with the help of said Ed, relocated his bed to the living room where a roaring fire was... Roaring.

"Certainly, certainly." Double-D took a sip of the eggnog Jimmy had so graciously prepared for them and cleared his throat. "Eddy, any suggestions to a story?"

"Huh?" Eddy, who by now was much more comfortable leaning against things whenever a story was being told, stopped analyzing the small black dots that decorated the Christmas cookies that had been baked mere hours earlier. "You think I prep for this? You've been telling the stories so far, Stockinghead!"

"And I helped with details!" Ed quite simply sat there on a stool next to Jimmy's bed and grinned, for there is not much else to do when one is mummified in several sheets and many feet of rope.

"I just felt the need to give you an honest chance to weigh in, seeing how this was your scam to begin with!"

"Alright, alright; don't get your Christmas balls all tangled up."

"Oy..." The brains of the bunch buried his face in his hands as he felt his cheeks heat up.

"... Aight, I got a thing. It ain't much but, you know, I remember mom doing it a few times." After much consideration, he took a bite out of the cookie and tried to remember the basis of what he was about to tell.

"Make us all proud, Eddy."

On the first day of Christmas-

"Eddy, that's a Christmas carol!" Double-D pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed for the first of many times that night.

"I don't know much, Double-D, but even I know my Dickens."

"Heh, Ed knows his own di-"

"Gentlemen, please! I meant that 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' is supposed to be sung!"

"Unless you're a piper!"

"Pardon, Ed?"

"Allow me to explain!"

"What's tonight's story, Double-D?" Jimmy was already in bed, cover pulled up to his chin in excitement; even if his whole house had been demolished the last time, he had to admit that the three Eds trying to tell a coherent story was more fun than binge watching Project Runway.

"Well, since we are a mere twelve days from Christmas-"

"TWELVE PIPERS PIPING; OH BOY, OH BOY!"

"I thought we would read something befitting that very theme!" Double-D decided to ignore Ed's sidetracking, especially when the latter threw open the window to look out over the snow covered streets in great expectation for your average twelve pipers on a walk in the night.

All except Ed, who after slamming his whole face onto the plate was calmly munching away on four cookies at once, looked around the room in bewilderment.

"Pardon the expression, but what in the blazes was that?!" There was not one logical explanation that came up in the beanie covered head that could explain the simpleton's explanation.

"It's like the whole focus of the room shifted from this moment to another time..." Jimmy, even though he had managed to gain some courage after breaking up a vicious fight between Eddy and Sarah some time ago, pulled the cover up to his chin in fright. "Déjà vu..."

"Ed, what the hell did you do?"

"It was time for something completely different!" Ed flashed his crumb covered teeth and Double-D quickly looked away, holding his stomach; not only because his friend's cookie smeared smile was absolutely revolting but also because the theory of Ed mastering the particle physics of a nonsense framing device for the sake of utter nonsense was nauseating.

"Let's please just move on with our lives. Eddy; sing the song, tell the song, just please do it." As a matter of fact, that last paragraph was utterly nonsensical in itself.

"Yes, do it!" I like nonsense.

"Aight, aight, chill; you can't rush genius!" As you might've noticed. So here's a whole heap of Christmas-y nonsense!

'Twas the night before- Wrong tale, Eddy. Then what am I doing? 'Twelve Days of Christmas'. Oh, right; damn.

On the first day of Christmas, my true love- What the hell am I supposed to say when I ain't got no 'true love'? It's called 'artistic licence', Eddy. You don't really think that we experienced 'The Night Before Christmas', do you? I think we lived through 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' once. ... Ed, you're scaring me with your logically illogical knowledge of the known universe again. Can I just tell the damn story? By all means, Eddy.

On the first day of Christmas, my good friends gave to me; a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

Partridge; it's supposed to be 'partridge in a pear tree'. Two things; nobody knows what the hell that is and nobody cares where fruit comes from. San Francisco! ... For heaven's sake, Ed; we talked about making these kinds of jokes. Hey, maybe that's what this story needs! No... No- Just no! Come on; don't get your- Refer to certain parts of my anatomy and liken it to Christmas decorations again, Eddy; I dare you.

On the second day of Christmas, my good friends gave to me; one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

One double-dare? Yeah, two dares! ... Clever as it was, I understood it. But what is a double-dare supposed to be? Say what again! W-what? Say what again! I dare you; I double-dare you, motherfucker! Ed, whatever has gotten into you?! Relax, Sockhead; it's a quote from 'Pulp Fiction', remember? I'm afraid that movie is rather repressed after watching the scene in the shop basement where Bruce Willis subdues the... Gimp. Language! Marsellus Wallace sure looked like a bitch to me in that scene! Eddy, please; just continue!

On the third day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; three skanky Kankers-Eddy, I must protest! What? It doesn't have to be about Marie; they could have cousins or something!- one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

Eddy, change the line about Marie and her sisters. Or what, you gonna double-dare me? Already got that for Christmas! Is that right? So you would be overjoyed if you woke up Christmas Day to find Lee Kanker just waiting for you under your tree- Aight, I'll change it.- wrapped up in nothing but festive wrapping just waiting to be torn off- Aight, I get your point!- before you can finally remove the three strategically placed red ribbons that barely cover up- ALRIGHT, I GET IT; I'M SORRY! Geez, Double-D; Marie's really done a number on you. I'll take that as a compliment, thank you.

On the third day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; three Russian mail brides, one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

I'm sorry, three Russian mail brides? Yeah, it's when you send in an order for- I'm familiar with the concept, Eddy, but what I'm asking is; three Russian mail brides? Yeah, you got a problem with the way I'm telling the story? Not at all, just quite curious about your choice of 'three Russian mail brides'. What're you, stuck on repeat? Said the fellow reading the world's most monotonous Christmas carol.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; four-ty malt liquor, three Russian mail bride- Wait a minute... Give him a moment, gentlemen. Mail... He's almost there. WHOA THERE, BACK THE FUCK UP! And the boy gets a cigar.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my buddies gave to me; four-ty malt liquor, three Hobbit pipes, one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

I say- You know, it'd be nice to go one verse without being interrupted. It would be quite pleasant to go one verse without alcohol and sex references in it. Then you're gonna love this one!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my homies gave to me; diiiiimebag of weeeeeeeed! Oh, lord. Four-twenty soon, three Hobbit pipes, puff, puff and pass and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

Doubt that thing's gonna last for a week after that verse. Jimmy, I extend my sincerest apologies over the content of this- What happened on the- on the- *insert an onomatopoeia for yawning of your choice* on the sixth day, Eddy? I'll tell yah, Squirt!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my homies gave to me; six shots of whiskey, diiiiiimebag of weeeeeeed! Four-ty malt liquor, three Hobbit pipes, one double-dare and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

Eddy, wherever did you pick all this talk of smoking, drinking and sexual relations up? All hail television and the internet! Amen to that, Monobrow!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my hombres gave to me; seven-teen seventy-six shots of whiskey, diiiiimebag of weeeeeeed! Four DUI's, three trips to jail, two soap bars dropped and a jawbreaker that lasts a week!

See, Sockhead; 1776? I know stuff too! Eddy, I've never doubted your intelligence- Wish I could say the same for Ed. You rang?- I merely think that it would be beneficial to find a more productive way to express it. Well, Honeybun, I just don't feel like you express yourself sexually to me in the way you used to, so there could be that. THAT'S IT! You get one more chance, Eddy, before I wash my hands of this whole ordeal and leave! Okay, okay; I'll behave! Don't get your- Eddy, I- It was a joke! Listen, day eight!

On the eighth day of Christmas, my good friends gave to me; eight tiny reindeer, seven-hundred pounds of Santa, six broken sled bolts, fiiiiiive burnt out eeeeeeelves! Four bags of gifts, three ho, ho, ho's, two mistletoe's and a jawbreaker that'll live longer than I'll do!

Well, it was certainly more in touch with the Holiday spirit. See how I referenced 'The Night Before- Yes, quite clever, if I may say so. Yeah, I thought 'twas too! Try my patience and see- C'mon; do like Rockefeller Center and lighten up, Double-D!

On the ninth day of Christmas, my guy friends gave to me; nine vintage Playboys- Well, it was nice while it lasted.- eight kegs of Duff beer, seven ICU trips, six shots of whiskey, diiiiiimebag of weeeeeeed! Man, even I don't think this is funny anymore. Four forty-fours, three slugs between my two shoulder blades and a bag that collects all my pee!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my guy friends gave to me; ten different bar rounds, nine pints of Duff beer, eight shots of Jäger, seven fake numbers, six shots of whiskey, fiiiiiiive slaps in the faaaaaaaaace! Go four it now, quarter-to-three-hookup, two fake boobs and an incurable venereal disease!

Nothing says Christmas cheer like a trip to the Health clinic! Am I right?

On the eleventh day of Christmas, I gave these things to me; eleven deadly vipers, ten vats of acid, nine feet of rope, eight brake lines cut, seven sharpened knives, six rounds of bullets, fiiiiiiiive jars of piiiiiiiiills! Four-ty four magnum, three horseback rides, double-headed axe and a fall that is sure to kill me!

Eddy! That is just too morbid for a bed time- But it's so damn boring! I told you it was monotonous! I wasn't paying attention. Unbelievable. Seriously, it's all fine and dandy up until three, possibly four, but then there's the fiiiiiive golden thiiiiiings that you gotta hear like seven more times! Five golden rings. Really? Damn, could've made more Hobbit jokes with that. Whatever, point is, it's just too damn long! I was afraid of this very thing happening.

"What, me getting bored with it?"

"Quite frankly, yes, though you fared better than my expectation; my estimation was somewhere around the seventh day."

"Really? You have no faith in me?"

"That's not to say I don't, I do; I merely observe the track record of these sessions and-"

"'Twas old and stupid; get over it!"

"Oh no! I was simply trying to share the Christmas feeling I was experiencing, which you so elegantly managed to pollute with drug references every other sentence!"

"It's called 'artistic licence', I was just trying to add a little humor! Besides, why you putting all the blame on me?! You wanna talk about how Ed did last time?"

"Leave Ed out of this; choice of comic book aside, he certainly made a better job than you did here today!"

"Aha! You admit it; you thought it sucked!"

"I admit to no such thing; I only commented upon the lack of effort you put into-"

"'Eddy, your story lacks effort! Eddy, your homework lacks effort! Eddy, the way you dress is not satisfactory enough to me and quite frankly, lacks effort!'"

"... What?"

"I don't know! I'm just making stuff up on the spot here while you've been reading from a damn book every time!"

"Oh, you're saying that I would not fare as well in the art of 'making it up as you go along'!"

"Maybe I am!" Nonsense. Such pure and utter nonsense. I think that with all the seriousness and consistency we encounter every day in our lives, we need a little nonsense every now and then; wouldn't you agree, Ed?

"Sure would, Mr. Freeman!"

"Ed, hush!" The two bickering friends didn't even spare him a glance, who was quite peacefully watching the events transpire in front of him as he sat there next to the sleeping Jimmy, who once again had managed to fall asleep in the midst of all the ruckus the story had caused. It wasn't too long before Double-D decided to storm out dramatically in a huff with Eddy quickly following, still raving on and on about the age and stupidity of 'The Night Before Christmas'. Chuckling to himself over his friends antics, he looked down upon his sleeping friend, whom he'd come to consider to be something of a baby brother over time, and sighed; boring as it may have been, Double-D and Eddy's fight had come between the finishing of the story.

Some things just never seems to change, especially the traditions we are ever so fond of. Not to say that this per se was tradition, far from it considering the two had spent a considerable amount of time rescuing Ed from Jimmy's chimney together last year. Or maybe last week. Was it important? Heavens no. What was important however in that very moment was that young Ed felt happy. Happy over the fact that it was Christmas, happy that he once again got to spend it with his friends, happy that Jimmy made his special raisin-bran cookies that Ed loved so much this year again.

Still, Ed couldn't help but feel a sense of duty when he watched Jimmy lying there in the middle of his living room, to tell him the end of the story Although, it's of course possible that Eddy's unfinished story-told-song would count as another story ticked off the Eds' final record, or maybe it quite simply wouldn't, or maybe it really didn't matter in the end. Who knows?

Alright, Ed; you're up!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Moffat gave to us all; twelve- no, thirteen Doctors, eleven cool fezzes, ten pairs of sand shoes, nine planet's North, eight boots that fit, seven cups of tea, six cans of carrot juice, fiiiiiive celeriiiieeees! Four-teen feet of scarf, three rapid rounds, Enemy of the World and a Gallifrey that no longer falls!

To William Hartnell that started it all!

That was fantastic, Ed. Absolutely brilliant; thank you so much for that. Now, run along with you; I'm sure Double-D and Eddy will claw each other to pieces otherwise!

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Freeman!"

Merry Christmas to you too, Ed.

And so, the young Ed cast one last look on his sleeping friend and stood up, taking the stool to which he was still very much tied to with him, before rushing best he could after his two friends whom he found standing under a street light, arguing about curses and rusty worn nuts or something equally silly again. If only they could, at least for now, stop so he could rush home and go to bed, for that was one thing that made his heart warm; knowing that the three of them were going to spend tomorrow, the most magical day of the year, together as the best of friends. And their faces when they opened their presents from him; oh, how surprised they would be!

But that is, as they say, another tale for another time.

So from all of me, to all of you, on whatever magical holiday it is you celebrate this time of year; a whole heap of magical nonsense.

Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas.