Return To Sender

A/n: Yes, so this plot bunny bit me in the ass one day and would not let go until I put it to paper. But hey, I get a week off from uni so I might as well spend it writing (instead of y'know... studying)

Oh and the Shakespeare quote I used is from Hamlet Act 2, Scene 2. The more you know.

Michelle = Seychelles (Hey, my reasoning is they both end in chelle)

Carlos = Cuba (It was, like, the least weird name listed for him on the wikia. An early draft of this had him as Manuel so if you see a mention of Manuel then ... :|)

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, then I don't own it.

Dear _,

This is probably really sudden but I like you. I really like you. I've liked you for two years and it's been driving me mad. I don't know exactly when it happened and I can't tell you exactly what triggered it. I just know I have a crush on you that's about the size of the CN Tower. It probably started around the time I started staring at the back of your head during class because your blonde hair looked so soft... Or when I tried finding a Crayola crayon that matched the blue of your eyes perfectly (It's a mix between Robin's Egg Blue and Cornflower, by the way). And then suddenly I was noticing stupid little details about you like how you're always wiping at your eyes as if you're about to break out in tears (does that sound stalker-y? I'm not a stalker, I swear). I don't know how or why but I just like everything about you from the way you cut your hair all the way down to your patent, black shoes.

And I know I should write a poem to sway your favour but I'm no good at poetry so can I quote you Shakespeare instead?

'Doubt thou the stars are fire,

Doubt that the sun doth move,

Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt I love."

Please at least consider going out with me. Just one date.

Je t'aime,

Matt W.

Matthew looked the note over critically. It was written on what was quite possibly the girliest stationary on the planet. It was pink with hearts and stars and tiny angels decorating its border. In fact, if he leaned in close enough he could swear it was even scented. The stationary had been forced on him by Michelle as soon as she heard he was trying to write a love note. She insisted that he couldn't write something so intimate on just any old 8 by 12 paper or worse still - lined paper. She even threw around some arbitrary statistics, saying his chances of not being rejected increased by 39.82% just by using stationary (his chances increased to 83.64% if he'd just gather the balls to confess in person).

So here he was, in the library during study hall, writing on the girliest stationary Michelle could provide. Hey, he figured if he was going to have to use stationary he might as well go all out. His manly pride had already combusted the second he chose to confess via love note anyway. Matthew sighed, choosing to ignore the faint strawberry scent coming from the paper and the rather distasteful design and proofread its contents for what felt like the hundredth time.

It wasn't the most romantic or even most elegant love note written to be sure but he felt it got his point across. Besides, he had never been particularly gifted with words so this was probably as good as it was going to get. (Plus he quoted Shakespeare and anything more than that would probably be overkill).

Now, as for how to address Katyusha. He had been mulling over it for the better part of an hour. Should he address her politely by her full name or by nickname? He always addressed her as Kat when he spoke to her in person so shouldn't it be the same on paper?

Letting out a disgruntled groan, Matthew let his head fall forward and land with a dull thunk on the wooden desk. It shouldn't be this complicated. Kat or Katyusha; it shouldn't even matter. He tried to convince himself that if Katyusha didn't feel the same then how he addressed her would not make an iota of a difference but it was useless. Some part of him insisted that this would be the make it or break it detail. After all, how many girls refused to go on a second date with a guy based on his tie or some other inane detail? Girls were kind of OCD like that. It was frustrating him so much he was half-considering just sending it without a name.

After nearly two years of having a crush on Katyusha, he had finally gathered enough courage to confess (in the most indirect and cowardly way possible). Katyusha was one of his few close friends. They had met after being partnered up for a Geography project during their freshman year. Their quiet and subdued personalities had clicked right after several meetings that consisted of nothing but awkward silences and they had been friends ever since.

Somewhere along the line those feelings had grown into something more. Of course it wasn't completely unexpected. Katyusha was rather attractive and... Erm, gifted. Matthew was sure she had been confessed to at least once before. She caught the eyes of boys with her... assets but most lost interest after realizing she was painfully shy (and the few that weren't were quickly scared off by her younger brother and sister).

But it was that shy personality that drew him closer. The saying went that opposites attract but that just wasn't the case with Matthew. Opposites attract when it comes to magnets and Hollywood movies, sure, but he always felt most comfortable with girls that were similar to him. He was attracted to quiet personalities that he could just sit and enjoy silence with. Shy smiles and stolen glances were his weakness. There was something about catching Katyusha staring at him and having her avert her gaze as soon as their eyes met that sent an electric rush through Matthew. It was the kind of innocence he'd always pictured with high school romance.

Besides, he felt he could handle Ivan and Natalya. Maybe. Probably. Hopefully.

He could do this. He had to do this. He couldn't graduate thinking about what might've, would've, should've happened. He already had too many regrets - he couldn't let his one chance at love be one of them.

With new found determination, Matthew carefully folded the note and stuffed it into its matching envelope before sealing it with a heart shaped sticker provided by Michelle.

"Yong soo, you're absolutely, positively sure this is her locker?" Matthew asked, fidgeting nervously with the pink envelope in his hands.

"Of course. It says right here in the school records," Yong soo replied proudly, brandishing the papers. Somehow, the boy had gotten a copy of the list the school kept of which locker belonged to which student. Matthew highly suspected some illegal hacking had been involved.

"I don't want to know."

"You really don't," Yong Soo replied, calmly adjusting his black uniform tie. "Now, are we gonna do this or what?"

Matthew nodded but didn't move from his spot across from Katyusha's locker. He was still trying to gather his resolve when Yong Soo pushed him and sent him careening to the locker face-first. It was only by some stroke of luck that he managed to stop himself before he broke his nose on the locker door. Red was a great color and all, but he highly doubted Katyusha would appreciate him painting her locker red with his blood. He paused to throw Yong Soo a dirty look before slipping the letter in through the gap in the locker door.

He stepped back to stare at the locker for a second in amazement. The weight of what he had done washed over him. Today his high school life could change for better or for worse. Today, after a 16 year long dry spell, he might finally get a girl friend. Matthew Williams - asexual no more.

(That thought made him feel downright giddy).

Now he just had to wait for Katyusha's response.

"You know, love letters were invented in Korea."

And Matthew was in such a good mood, he didn't even bother correcting Yong Soo.

It was lunchtime and Matthew was on the verge of a mental breakdown. It was time. He would probably get his response right here, right now - in a crowded cafeteria that smelled of grease and last week's fish sticks.

Katyusha had to have gone to her locker. She always dropped off her textbooks from first and second period before meeting up with Matthew and the rest of their friends at their usual table in the cafeteria. She had to have seen that gaudy pink envelope by now.

His palms were sweating, his stomach was slowly trying to climb up his oesophagus and out his mouth and his eyes kept darting to the door before drifting back down to his sandwich. He couldn't do this. He couldn't handle rejection. He could barely handle it when teachers said "Hm... Close but not quite" in response to his answers in class (he knew it was their way of subtly telling him he was dead wrong). If Katyusha rejected him it would probably take litres and litres of maple syrup just to get him back to normal. Why did he send that letter? Was it too late to break into her locker and take it back. Surely the woodshop class had something to break locks-

Matthew nearly screamed when a hand fell on his shoulder. As it was he let out a very unmanly shriek.

"You okay?"

Matthew glanced up at the owner of the hand, seeing his friend, Carlos, peering nervously down at him.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Matthew said, laughing weakly. He picked up his sandwich and took a half-hearted bite if only to push his stomach down from his chest and back to his abdomen. Carlos didn't look entirely convinced but shrugged it off as he set his backpack onto the table.

"I'd watch out if I were you," Carlos said casually as he took the seat next to Matthew and began unpacking his lunch from his bag. "Jones came up to me on my way here and asked me if I knew a Matt."

"W-what? What does he want?" Matthew asked, turning to Carlos in surprise.

Matthew really couldn't imagine what Alfred F. Jones could possibly want from him. He only knew Alfred from rumours and hushed whispers in the hallways. The football team's star quarterback, social butterfly extraordinaire and the embodiment of the all-American boy. Alfred may as well have been from another planet from Matthew. If high school were a circus then Alfred would be the centre attraction while Matthew was content to sit in the audience and watch the show. He could count on one hand the number of words they had spoken to each other and he was actually kind of surprised Alfred even knew his name.

"Don't worry about it," Carlos replied, waving his hand dismissively. "He probably got some stupid idea in his head again. Maybe he wants to gather a Matt army to fight against communism. Who knows."

Matthew stifled a snort against his sandwich. "I think that's a bit too farfetched. Even for him."

"This is the guy who suggested cling wrap over the ice caps to stop them from melting, Matt. Don't worry, I told him I didn't know you anyway."

Matthew was about to reply when a frazzled Yong Soo ran up to them. He slammed his hands down on the table and opened his mouth several times, gulping down lungfuls of air while trying to speak at the same time. Matthew and Manuel paused eating their respective lunches to stare at the panting boy in interest.

"I... Mistake... Not... Hers."

"Breathe first, talk after."

Yong Soo nodded vigorously, still breathing heavily. After several minutes he finally caught his breath and was able to string a coherent sentence together.

"I-I'm sorry Matt," Yong Soo breathed. "I made a mistake. The locker lists I got was from last year, daze!"

"W-What?" Matthew's eyes widened in horror. "Oh my god, whose locker was that?"

Yong Soo shrugged, pulling up a seat across from Matthew and Carlos. "It doesn't matter, you wrote her name on it right? Katyusha's a pretty unique name."

Matthew was about to let out a sigh of relief and agree with Yong Soo when he realized he had forgotten to write a name. He kept delaying writing a name in his indecision and in the end he had sealed the letter without addressing it to anyone in particular. Well, to be fair, he did describe her to have 'blonde hair, blue eyes and patent, black shoes'. Too bad that described a good handful of students at school.

"Crap."

"...You didn't write her name on it?"

"No," Matthew cried, running a hand through his hair. "I was debating on whether to write Kat or Katyusha and in the end... I-I didn't write anything down."

"Did you write your name down?" Carlos asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes," Matthew mumbled, burying his face in his arms. He didn't want to see the expressions on his friends' faces. He knew it would only confirm his suspicion that what he had done was monumentally stupid.

He willed God to strike him dead. He didn't even want to think of what was going to happen now. Somewhere in the school, someone was reading a love note with his name on it. And, oh God he had even quoted Shakespeare! He was going to be the laughing stock of the school once word spread. Matthew had always kind of wished he got more attention at school but he never wanted this kind of attention.

There was a minute of thick silence and then...

"You know, misunderstandings were invented in Korea."

It kind of made Matthew want to choke Yong Soo with the kimchi he was eating.

Matthew could only hope that whoever got the letter had thrown it out or maybe the letter had spontaneously caught on fire.

Or maybe the person had no idea who Matt W was. Maybe writing his name would be as good as signing it as a secret admirer. He knew he wasn't well known at school. There was even one incident where a classmate wondered aloud who sat in his seat while he was sitting in it.

That student spent the rest of class wondering who was throwing bits of eraser at him.

Yes, if there was any time for his unfortunate powers of invisibility to work it had to be now. If there was any justice in the universe then the student who found the note would not know who the hell Matt W was.

He walked miserably to his locker after lunch. Maybe he would just skip the rest of the day. He was way too tired to deal with anything else at this point. He only had English next anyway and the teacher never noticed him. Besides, English was the class he shared with Katyusha and he really didn't want to spend an hour sitting next to her while wondering how on Earth he was going to find the courage to confess again.

He was slowly making his way down the hallway when he spotted a boy leaning against his locker. The boy had blond hair and was wearing a distinctive brown, leather bomber that could only belong to one person-

"Um... Alfred?" Matthew began hesitantly, coming to a stop beside the boy.

Alfred looked around for a bit as if wondering where the voice was coming from before blue eyes settled on Matthew. "Oh, hey, found you. You're a hard guy to find, you know,"Alfred said with a laugh.

Everything about that sentence just managed to grate on Matthew's nerves. The cheery tone it was said in (Well, yeah, he could be as cheery as a unicorn since he don't have to worry about an AWOL love note) to the fact that Alfred had implied that he was hard to find on purpose. It's not like Matthew was preparing for a career as a spy – it wasn't his fault no one noticed him.

(But, hey, he was probably just grumpy and looking for a reason to hate Alfred).

"Carlos told me you were looking for me?" Matthew replied absentmindedly, moving to open his locker.

"Yeah, I got your note."

Matthew froze before slowly turning to look at Alfred. To his horror the other boy was smiling sheepishly and holding up an unfortunately familiar pink envelope. He prayed fervently to any God that was listening that Alfred had found the note in his locker and realized there was no way something so pink and girly and gaudy could possibly be meant for him and was looking for Matthew to return it.

"Oh."

"Um, I was kind of shocked. I mean, no one ever does that kind of thing anymore. Especially not on this kind of stationary. Like, dude, did you get this imported straight from Sanriotown? It looks like cupid puked on it," Alfred wrinkled his nose in distaste as he examined the pink envelope critically. He even brought it up to his nose as if to check if it was scented. Matthew was about to explain Michelle's twisted logic when the other boy continued.

"But that aside... I thought it was... I don't know - sweet," Alfred mumbled the last bit, a red blush working it's way on his cheeks as he looked away from Matthew. "No one does that kind of thing for me. I mean, if girls want a date with me they usually just ask me out for burgers and call it a day. Not the most romantic thing ever, right? But I just can't say no to burgers."

No no no this was not happening. Alfred couldn't possibly about to-

"A-and you said you liked everything about me," Alfred suddenly looked back to him, his expression almost painfully earnest. "No one's ever said that to me. It's always 'I like you but you're kind of fat' or 'your ideas are kind of stupid'. Not even my parents like everything about me and I know I'm not perfect so that's OK, but you said you like everything." Alfred emphasized the word with wonder in his tone. It only made Matthew fidget nervously as he thought about how he could possibly break it to Alfred that the note wasn't meant for him. How could he like everything about Alfred when he didn't know anything about him? He didn't even know what the 'F' in his name stood for! In fact, Matthew decidedly liked Alfred less and less with every word he spoke. He especially hated that eager puppy look on Alfred's face that was making him feel like a bastard for what he was about to do.

"Oh, but just so you know - I'm always wiping my eyes because of allergies, not because I'm about to cry or anything," Alfred said hurriedly. "And I won't lie – I had to look up the CN Tower on Google, and yeah that thing is pretty big. I mean, not as big as some of the American buildings but – Wait. I'm getting side-tracked. What I meant to say is that one date won't kill me and I kind of like your style - even if it is a bit stalker-y..."

"Actually, the note-"

"So, I'll meet you here after school, OK, Matt?" Alfred flashed him another charming smile that would have made any girl within range weak in the knees (it only made Matthew feel a little more nauseous). And without waiting for a proper reply, Alfred turned around and disappeared off to wherever he came from.

Matthew could only stare after him in stunned silence as he walked away, note in hand.

Oh, maple, he knew he should have mentioned Katyusha's breasts somewhere in the note.

A/N: Did you know girliest is not a word? I didn't know until I tried using it and Microsoft Word and my iPod Touch both corrected me. Meh, I plead artistic license.

Little notes because I couldn't fit them into the story:

1) In the line I used from Hamlet it's actually supposed to be a shitty poem that Hamlet wrote for Ophelia in a letter and he complains about being no good with words right after he pens it. I just thought it would be the kind of quirky line Matthew would pick ahhaa. Plus, I thought it was a pretty damn good poem. (But the 2nd and 4th line really only rhyme if you have an English accent).

2) In his letter Matthew refers to Katyusha as a blonde as in the feminine form of blond. Of course, Alfred doesn't pick it up because there's no room for French nuances in that pretty little head.

3)Sanriotown is where Hello Kitty and friends come from. It is the land of cute and sunshine where no one ever frowns because none of the characters have mouths.

Anyway, next chapter will be the date (and of course it will be at McDonalds because McDonalds is only second to Paris when it comes to romantic destinations. For broke students at least haha). Still writing on my ipod so please tell me if I missed an auto-correct word. It corrected gaudy to godly at one point and while lulzy it was pretty embarrassing. So, leave a review?