Don't Stop Me

Chapter 5: Wanderer

A/N: I hope this update is quick enough for you haha. And shh, the napkins story is embarrassing.

There are 5 minutes remaining in the lunch period and Santana is already out the door and not even thinking about going back in. She doesn't even know why she's the one running away when she could have easily forced Rachel out of the choir room or at least scared her out of it.

However thinking it over again, from the strength that Rachel has displayed over the years it may not have exactly worked in her favour if she tried the other option of forcing the girl out of the room. Now more than ever, Santana feels like an incredibly weak person emotionally and mentally. She doesn't even really feel like putting in an effort.

And thus, hooky.

It's nothing new really, skipping school. On days when she needed to blow off steam the girl would run off. Her marks are still decent and honestly, why did she even bother going to Spanish class? It may be her junior year but the academic part wasn't a problem, it was never a problem. Drama – all this drama shouldn't even be a problem either. Everything was set up the moment she met Brittany, the moment she fell in love with her future best friend, the moment she looked into her eyes and realized that there was nothing more, nothing else that could calm down her soul or cool her burning heart.

But she screwed up.

The night just keeps running through her head, the images of Brittany and Artie, her reflection's expression the first time she realized that she hurt Brittany's feelings and wasn't even able to admit it to herself.

And yet, overshadowing this important note of hurting her best friend is the grip of her fear of being gay. She can't be gay, she won't be gay, gay just won't cut it in this town. But something she has to constantly force herself to admit is how much better it is to be with Brittany than with all of the guys she's had sex with put together. The feeling is much more intense, the attraction, the pleasure when it comes to women is not even comparable to men.

She's been with a total of two women and two men. Quinn was her first and a very painful memory. They were both drunk for the first time and Quinn had come onto her. If Santana ever dared to mention that night, Quinn would then refuse to speak to her for an entire month. The second, obviously is Brittany. The two guys include Finncompetent and Puckerman. A lot of people believe she's an easy catch but in all honesty, Santana's never really been with that many people.

But every person had their story and their mark on Santana. Her mistake with Quinn became a deep hole in their friendship, but at the same time, a possible topic in the future to discuss when Quinn was ready and sorted out. Ever since giving birth, the girl's mind is just all over the place, this made obvious by her return to the Cheerios despite saying how much she hated them. Even Santana had to admit that she adored the softer, more human side of Quinn exposed during pregnancy. She was furious the second it vanished and Quinn even had the nerve to tell Coach Sylvester about Santana's little secret. She thought they were friends. But many apologies later, Santana realized that Quinn's just fucked up.

She was fucked up too.

They couldn't depend on each other, not now while they are both unstable. And that's the main reason why Quinn's out of her life at the moment.

Brittany is a whole bunch of stories in one, but the most important note to get out of it all was that Santana knows that she's in love with the girl. It's one of the only things she's sure of and the only thought that could really keep her sane. It's one of the only things that were consistent and dependable in her life. Too bad it caused her pain because of her unwillingness to accept that it was one of the only truths, sure things in her life.

Sleeping with Finn was gross and she really wishes she could take the night back. Thinking it over, she wonders what Rachel wrote in her diary the day she found out about the night Santana stole her ex-boyfriend's virginity. Until this day Finn ignores her when she walks by him or gives him a look. No problem to her, really. She doesn't care much for him. The only thing she really cares about is how hypocritical of him to grab Quinn into his spider web of confused, man-child-like love.

She wonders what got into Quinn.

Then there's Puck. They both knew that their relationship never involved romantic type of love. They used each other for their sexual gratification and are admittedly - best friends. They were not only sometimes friends, but so much more than that. Santana's already gone through the reason why he's not around anymore. If she were honest to herself, she'd say that she misses him and their gaming nights together or even their stupid drinking games. He was one of the only people she could completely be loose with because if they ended up in bed together, it was nothing new and there would never ever be any emotional attachment to the sex. Just comfort – a warm body.

And they were all she had. Now...now they were too occupied for her, now she's just second best and only wanted if their first choice wasn't there. Quinn and herself, Brittany and Artie, and Puckerman and Zizes.

Honestly it sucks being second best. She misses being needed, being wanted, being chased after! And by someone that mattered, someone that meant something to her. Not just some stupid jock who wanted a piece of her ass. Not just some Cheerio who felt sorry for her.

Glee club kids are too scared of her. It would totally suck if she admit that it hurt her feelings how often they would flinch at the opportunity of spending time with her alone. And she can't help being mean – it was in her blood. Quinn put up with it because she was an equal bitch, Brittany always saw through her vicious words and Puck always just shrugged it off or squared off with her. No one understood her the way they did, no one could keep up with her and no one knew how much she actually liked them.

She admitted it once and only once – Glee club was her favourite part of the day. And that's not only because of the music and dancing and Quinn, Brittany and Puck, but for all of them. They may be losers and sometimes annoying and sometimes she felt like murdering them or whatever, but they were her losers, her family, her friends.

But no, she could never admit that again.

Finally snapping out of her deep thought, Santana looks around her to see that she managed to reach the park. She's only been walking for 15 minutes, but it seems once again like an eternity. Conveniently she's standing before her favourite bench overlooking Brittany's favourite pond. Being February, the ducks were not exactly in season. However, the water looked serene enough to calm down the Latina.

Crouching over, the girl stares deep into the eyes of her reflection. She's crying.

Annoying how she doesn't even feel the tears anymore. For all she knows, someone could be around or even worse, someone she knows could be –

"Greetings, Santana."

"AH! FUCK!" she screams, falling onto her bottom. Santana doesn't recall feeling Berry's presence or even hearing her footsteps. Fucking ninja.

"A-Ah, I am sorry if my voice surprised you! I have been following you for quite some, no wait, allow me to rephrase myself," Santana just glares at her whilst rubbing her bottom, waiting for the shorter girl to finish explaining, "I simply wanted to apologize for earlier." She lets out a heaving sigh as if she had just run a marathon. Santana just stares curiously, wondering why she's even bothering.

"What for?"

"For kicking you out of the choir room, of course!" she smiles nervously, but it's warm.

Santana stares at her, wondering if maybe she was going crazy. She wipes her eyes, thankful that they were dry enough to hide any traces of crying. Unless, Rachel was ninja enough even notice that. Shaking her head, she starts walking away from Rachel.

"You're crazy, dwarf." Santana yells out without turning back. She'll get the message eventually. The nickname is simply a reminder of their relationship. There's absolutely no reason why Rachel shouldn't be angry with her or at least mad enough to not care. Santana's been nothing but awful to her all this time and nothing's changed that. She just wants Rachel to go away and leave her back in her hole of teenage angst.

Unfortunately, that's too much to ask.

"Santana, wait! Please, why do you keep running away from me?" Rachel jogs a little to catch up with Santana, but she simply increases her pace in response. To any onlookers, their pursuit looks rather childish. Santana can feel the steam building up in her and before she can stop herself she halts her power walk and turns to the short girl right behind her.

"STOP STALKING ME, YOU FREAK!" Santana doesn't even care for how Rachel reacts. If anything, that would make the girl stop following her. Rachel should be hating her for all the things that she's done since the beginning of the school year and the year before. Rachel shouldn't be concerned about Santana, she shouldn't be trying so hard to see what's wrong, to apologize for nothing.

"Santana," she hears a voice squeak. The Latina girl lets out a huff before turning to face Rachel one last time.

"Why are you still here? Shouldn't you be in class or something?" maybe just yelling won't work. Santana decides to play along, hopefully a conversation would rid her of Rachel's company.

"I have a spare at the moment. And actually, almost every day during this time I would sing to the children or with the children of the park. They're quite fond of singing and dancing and I do hope that they join the Glee club of their future high school," a bright smile. Rachel's eyes always sparkle when she speaks about Glee club and this catches Santana's attention. It's one of the very few things she likes about Rachel. Something she admires yet detests at the same time. Rachel's love of the things that everyone else hates. Rachel's appreciation and love of the unknown.

"That's great, later," perhaps after letting out some babble the girl would turn back.

Instead, Rachel also attempts a different approach. She follows closely behind Santana without a word. The Latina notices this and looks over her shoulder every once in a while to see if she's still there. Rachel simply smiles widely when she notices, her eyes inviting Santana's in for a moment.

"Don't you have to sing or some shit with the brats here?" she decides not to look back at Rachel anymore, assuming she won't be going away any time soon.

"I can do something different today, Santana," she walks a little faster, now walking next to the taller girl. Her determination doesn't dwindle at all, no matter how many times Santana rolls her eyes.

"Like bother the hell out of me?" she growls in response, fighting the feeling of excitement building up in her stomach. This is the pursuit she's wanted, but does Rachel mean anything to her? Would this really result in anything?

Rachel doesn't respond right away, thinking for a second first. She's feeling a little intimidated by Santana's behaviour, but when she starts something, she refuses to back down. "I wouldn't say that I am bothering you, exactly," she points a finger under her mouth, the corners curling a little.

Santana stops walking, causing the other girl to halt as well, "Then what do you call this?" Her arms spread out, pointing at herself then at all of Rachel before crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well, I believe our fellow teenagers would call this 'hanging out'," her air quotes are exaggerated, but it manages to make Santana's scowl go away. "I also believe that that's what friends do, correct?"

This makes Santana's flinch a little. Rachel doesn't catch it, distracted by a passing butterfly. The taller girl unclenches her fist, releasing some of her anger from earlier and truly allowing herself to calm down.

"Since when were we friends, Berry?" she asks, her voice flat.

"Well, Santana, you may not agree with me but the second you admitted to the group last year at Regionals that, and may I quote, 'Glee club is the best part of my day, okay?', you created a bond with me that I would like to call friendship."

And that's when Santana activates a switch in her mind. That's when Santana decides to take another risk. That's when Santana decides that maybe getting to know Rachel is what's best for her right now. That's when Santana's heart is released from the grip of loneliness for a moment.

"This is news to me," Santana finally says, laughing a little. Rachel's expression drops a little and the other girl rolls her eyes, "Sheesh, whatever, yeah, we're Glee mates or whatever. We can 'hang out'." She mocks Rachel's air quotes which receives a response of a light poke to her shoulder and a slight pout on the shorter girl's face.

The two walk through the park together, side by side. Rachel goes on and on about the many stories she has of the patrons that frequent the park. Santana simply nods and gives a little feedback. They ranged from, "cool story bro" to "you're kidding". Most would think that they were empty responses, but for Rachel they were a start. And for Santana? They were a fantastic start.

Thirty minutes pass by quickly and not a scowl to be seen on Santana's face. In fact, she looks rather content with her company and not one trace of bitchiness emanated from her body.

"Oh wow, Santana, it's almost time for our next period. I shall leave you to play hooky all by your lonesome now, if you don't mind. However, as another note I'd like to advice you not to do such a thing frequently. I'll be heading back now," she turns the other way, pointing in the direction of the school.

"Come on, Berry. It's one day, you can skip one fucking day!" Santana has to admit, she prefers Rachel's non-stop rambling to being alone and thinking about things that she'd rather not think about.

"Language, Santana!"

"Whatever, you're lame," she waves her hands as if shooing the shorter brunette away, "Go back to school you nerd."

Rachel starts walking, "Farewell, then," she manages to say. After a few steps, she turns back to see Santana still watching her. When their eyes connect, she smiles at Santana and is ecstatic when she receives a smile in return. Her plan to cheer up Santana must have worked! She continues to make her way back to the school and once again turns for a second. This time, Santana's back is all she can see.

"It's a start," she mutters to herself before wandering back to school with a sense of accomplishment.

Santana smacks her face, "Ugh, why did I smile back? She's going to cling onto me like crazy." Not that she wouldn't exactly mind to be honest. After spending some time with Rachel alone she doesn't seem like that much of a pain. The excitement in her voice no matter the subject of conversation reminds Santana so much of Brittany. The way she points out nature, the way she insists on smelling the flowers, the way she twirls sometimes while they walked gave Santana a nice feeling in the pit of her stomach. The feeling of having a close bond with someone - a feeling she missed.

"Friends, huh? Maybe one day we could be," she kicks a rock in her pathway into the pond that she's returned to, "And of all people, Rachel fucking Berry."