Who Needs Therapy When You Have Beer

2.5

Life was weird. Really, really weird Dave decided as he sat on the sofa, sipping some sort of fruity wine and stubbornly refusing to notice or acknowledge the two dudes making out just feet away from him. The fruity wine was strange enough but he'd been forced to drink it when Kurt accidentally dropped the beer (how every single bottle had been shattered into tiny microscopic pieces and why Kurt's boots looked suspiciously damp after the fact was never questioned) and just so happened to have a bottle of peach wine on hand. Between the wine and the making out that was about as much gay as he could take in one night.

So he did his best not to notice the two figures moving out of the corner of his eye, and the tiny moans Kurt let out and the moist sound of their lips coming apart and Blaines needlessly graphic commentary that Dave was beginning to suspect wasn't just 'heat of the moment' talk but might have been directed at him. Well Blaine could just go straight to hell because Dave Karofsky could not begin to care less about how Blaine was going to 'fuck him so hard his grandchildren would walk funny'. Dave was also beginning to suspect that Blaine, in addition to having the filthiest mouth he had ever heard, didn't know the difference between hot and creepy.

Well, Blaine could try all he wanted to get Dave to switch teams but he was firmly placed on Team Not-As-Straight-As-I-Would-Like-But-Still-Not-Gay and damn it, it was going it stay that way.

All was well until a sharp pain in his leg caused Dave to shout and snap his head to glare at the boy who had kicked him. Fucking Blaine had the balls to wiggle his eyebrows and mouth 'fuck yeah' before thrusting sharply upwards. Kurt moaned while Blaine made an 'imma tap that' gesture and Dave's jaw dropped.

He didn't think he could have looked away if the house was burning down around him and Satan himself was dancing the jig on the TV. Kurt was ... god, he was beautiful, the way his arms were wrapped around Blaines neck, the arch of his back, the way his cheeks turned red like a china doll. Even tousled and sweaty and breathless he was the most perfect thing Dave had ever seen. His body burned, but it wasn't simply the tightness in his pants that hurt, it was how painfully far away Kurt was the made his gut clench and his eyes burn and his fists clench.

Dave broke his gaze, Kurt oblivious to what had just taken place, and turned his attention back to the TV.

He didn't notice Blaines pained expression or see the way his knuckles whitened around the fitful of Kurts shirt. Had he seen he might not have even realized that those knuckles weren't white with passion but with pain.

And as for Kurt, well, he was happy as a clam. After all, he was making out with Blaine, probably the most perfect and best guy in the world. What reason would he have to be sad?

Next Sunday everything appeared to be back to normal, well, as normal as anything ever got with those two. Kurt was painting his nails, something which Dave hated, the fumes made his nose itch and his eyes water and, if he was to be perfectly honest, the deep metallic red didn't really suit Kurt. He was almost tempted to point that out but decided that trying to give Kurt colour coordination advice was on par with trying to shave a cat – bad idea. Blaine on the other hand was acting strangely. It started off innocently enough, Blaine sitting too close and thoughtfully handing him a beer every time he ran out but then it started getting weird. It wasn't that he had a problem with it exactly but ever since Blaine had kissed him all those months ago he had never initiated anything since and, Dave had figured, since Kurt was there Blaine has lost all interest in him.

It kind of stung but he couldn't really blame the guy. Who would go for him when they had someone like Kurt?

That all changed when Blaine, seemingly drunker than usual, curled up against Dave rather than going to Kurt. For the first time in months Dave was actually a little nervous, he could see Kurt watching out of the corner of his eye and didn't want to make it look like he was moving in on his boyfriend or anything but, at the same time, Blaine was pleasantly warm and it had been a long time since he had been this close to him. It almost surprised Dave how much he missed it.

So screw it, he thought, and put his arm around the other boy shoulders. Blaine wasn't a big guy but his personality always made him seem larger than life and it always surprised Dave how strangely fragile the other boy seemed when he curled up and let himself be held. When it was him and Kurt Blaine was undeniably the 'man' in that relationship. It confused Dave how the other boy could be so strong one minute and so vulnerable the next. He wasn't sure what to think.

Eventually Blaine slid down and rested his head on Daves lap, one hand innocently laying on his thigh ... unfortunately when Blaine did that Daves reaction was anything but innocent and he almost flinched at how quickly the blood rushed to his groin.

It didn't help that Kurt was glaring at him out of the corner of his eye while his dick was doing its best to poke the guys' boyfriend in the head. Fuck.

"Uh, Blaine," Dave said, shaking his shoulder lightly. He needed to get the boy off him before anyone noticed. "Blaine?"

The boy shifted slightly and murmured, borrowing deeper into Daves lap and, consequently his painfully obvious erection. Oh god, he was so hard it hurt and he couldn't do a damn thing about it while Hummel was there. Ladyboy would absolutely lose his shit if he caught Dave getting off on his boyfriend. Thankfully luck was on his side that night and Kurt left to go to the bathroom. Unfortunately lady luck was also feeling like a double crossing bitch and as the moment Kurt left Blaine opened his eyes, turned his head and grinned straight up at Dave like some sort of sick, twisted Cheshire Cat.

"Kiss me."

"Wha-"

"I said kiss me! Quick, he'll be back soon."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to help you, now do it!" Blaine squirmed his body up, across Daves aching erection, and, in a move so diabolical Dave could almost couldn't believe this was the same boy who he had actually be thinking of as innocent a moment before, grabbed Daves hand and placed it between his legs and yanked Daves head down by his hair and smashing their lips together.

And, instead of being mad, Dave had a moment of clarity where the realization that he was cupping another dudes junk and that he found it fucking awesome was probably really gay of him. And he was ok with that.

More than ok.

Blaine whimpered into his mouth and arched his back as Dave squeezed him lightly through his jeans, cautious and inexperienced but more than enthusiastic, and felt a thrill when the other boy began hardening under his hand. It was even more of a shock when Blaine opened his mouth and let Dave in, wrapping his arms around the bigger boys neck, submitting completely as his mouth was devoured by a boy who had been waiting for this moment for far too long.

Unfortunately, for Dave his moment was ruined with a startled gasp.

Dave looked up, horrified, and with a frantic 'Kurt!' pushed Blaine off of him who gave an undignified yelp as he tumbled to the floor.

"What the hell were you doing to Blaine?" He cried, rushing to his boyfriend, pushing Dave away with a strength his small frame shouldn't have had and kneeling down at Blaines side. "Blaine, oh god, are you ok? Did he hurt you?"

This might be a really good time to mention that Blaines plans rarely ever work. This plan in particular was doomed to failure in that the intent had been to make Kurt all hot and bothered by the hot boy kissing but instead came off looking rather like Dave was taking advantage of his drunken boyfriend. Silly Blaine.

"I-I didn't – Kurt, I swear I never – I wouldn't – you don't understand—" Dave pleaded, grabbing the smaller boys arm.

"Get off me!" Kurt screamed, kicking Daves knee and yelping when Dave howled, clutching his knee, and fell over onto Kurt who fell over into Blaine who was still trying to figure out what the hell had just happened when he was suddenly dog piled.

Nobody moved, either too in pain or too shocked to do anything.

Daves knee throbbed painfully, Kurt was trying to get the air back into his lungs that Daves elbow had forced out and Blaine, well, he deserved whatever he got.

"I think," gasped Blaine after a moment, "there has been a serious breakdown of communication."

"I'm going to kill you, Blaine." Dave said, punching the other boys exposed flank with everything he had and getting great satisfaction Blaines pained shout.

"Don't you touch him you Neanderthal!" Kurt yelled, balling up his fist and left hooking Daves jaw so hard his teeth clicked.

At that point a more sane, rational group of people might have stopped, realized the error of their ways and talked through their problems like rational human beings before coming to the mutual conclusion that all this had been a huge misunderstanding and laughed at their stupidity while smoking cigars and calling each other 'old chap'. Unfortunately where Dave Karofsky, Kurt Hummel and Blaine (whose last name remains shrouded in mystery) were concerned rational thought was a distant memory as they all tried to pummel each other into the ground for no apparent reason than it seemed like a good idea at the time.

And by 'each other', well, that means just Dave and Kurt, Blaine managed to squirm out of the fight before it turned really ugly and sat there watching the two go at it. He might have stopped them but he knew that sometimes the only way to build new bridges was to burn shit to the ground and start all over again. So he watched the two duke it out, Dave on the defensive and Kurt not pulling a single punch as he tried his best to beat the other boys head through the ground. At some point Dave completely stopped fighting and just shielded himself with his arms, letting Kurt rain down his blows and rage until he was completely worn, straddling Dave and panting with his fist raised, ready to strike.

Kurt would probably never know it but he was never more attractive as he was then he was at that moment. In that moment Kurt was the man and it felt good.

Too bad that was also the moment he realized he was sitting on Daves lap and Dave was very, very hard. His eyes widened.

Dave looked up at him, breathing hard, bloody faced and with his left eye already beginning to swell, waiting on Kurt to either punch him or run. Kurt did neither. Instead he stood up and held out his hand to Dave who took the offered hand.

It was almost comical how their hands contrasted, one brown and callused and large, the other pale and smooth and small. Dave liked how Kurts hand looked in his own.

Kurt helped the larger boy up and when they were both up they didn't let go, though Dave guessed that Kurt would had been right to run away screaming and never look back, but instead Kurt led Dave to the bathroom and pushed him down to sit on the side of the tub before wetting a cloth and handing it to him.

The cool cloth felt good on his split lip.

Kurt sat down next to him.

Neither boy spoke for a while, simply content to let the silence continue.

Eventually Dave lowered the cloth and turned to Kurt who was looking pointedly at the floor tiles.

"Can I kiss you?"

Kurt looked up and something not unlike a smile twitched on his lips. "Why not? Wouldn't be the first time."

Dave snorted and leaned in, gently pressing his lips to Kurts. It wasn't as dramatic as Dave had though it would be, his lip hurt and the angle was weird and the tiles were cold on his feet but, in that moment, you couldn't have found a happier person.

"Next time leave the smooth talking to Blaine."

Kurt grinned and punched Daves arm.

And like everything else, it just sort of snowballed from there.

"The Destroyer? That's actually what you named it?"

"I think mines bigger."

"Shut the fuck up, Blaine."

"Will you both shut up, I'm trying to get laid here and all I hear is 'blah blah blah'. Fucking Destroyer. I thought The Fury was lame but, nope, this is worse."

"Hummel, allow me to demonstrate why I named him The Destroyer."

Kurt squeaked as Dave grabbed him by the ankle and pulled him across the floor, climbing atop the smaller boy and pinning his arms above his head. Kurt bared his teeth in a smile and thrust upwards, daring Dave to make good on his threat.

Blaine, not one to be left out, crawled over to Kurts head and kissed his forehead before speaking softly into his ear, "Are you sure?"

Kurt shivered and nodded and that was all Blaine needed. Dave backed away as Blaine took over, removing Kurts clothes piece by piece while Dave crawled up and took Kurts head in both hands, cradling the thin face and looking into those trusting eyes and knowing he would do anything this boy asked of him.

Their lips met. Kurts mouth opened, letting Dave in and as their tongues met Kurt gave a cry and clung to Dave, nails biting into his shoulders as Blaine took the boy into his mouth.

Kurts legs were slowly spread, he couldn't tell by who though, maybe both, and a small pressure at his entrance made his hips unconsciously jerk away at the alien sensation. The finger was persistent though and slowly found its way inside, Kurt couldn't see what was happening but he could feel the digit inching deeper and deeper, it was uncomfortable and his feet curled and dug into the floor and his hips raised off the ground until a firm hand pushed them down.

Daves mouth left his own and he head the other boy ask, "Are you ok?"

A second finger entered him. It burned.

Kurt nodded and bit his lip.

Dave frown, pressing his cheek to Kurts and whispering for his ears alone. "Don't lie. We won't hurt you. I wouldn't hurt you. You have to trust us."

Kurt nodded. "It burns. I just – it's weird, that's all."

Dave nodded and moved back, lifting Kurt so his back was cradled to Daves clothed chest and stroking the boys smooth belly, trying to relax him as Blaine inserted another finger and pressed deeper until Kurt threw his head back and whimpered. Dave kissed his head, smoothing the hair from his forehead. "Kurt, open your eyes."

Kurt head shook violently, eyes clenched shut.

"Trust me, open them." Slowly an eye cracked open. "Look at what Blaine is doing. It's just him. Just some fingers, that's all."

Kurts eyes followed Blaines hand between his legs, watching as the slicked fingers disappeared inside of him rhythmically the motion getting smoother as he relaxed and his body adjusted. It still burned slightly but the burn was turning into a dull ache that he could feel with every beat of his heart. Blaine looked up through his curls and smiled reassuringly as his fingers went deeper and hit a spot inside him that made his belly clench and his hips buck. Kurt moaned, pressing his head back into Daves firm chest as a fourth finger was added and began stretching him wider.

It was painful but not terribly so and whenever Blaines fingers brushed that place inside of him his body felt like it was on fire. He was so hot; Dave was like a furnace behind him and the arms around him, reassuring in their strength, anchored him.

Just as Kurt was beginning to get used to the feeling of the fingers inside of him the two boys switched places and it was Blaine whose reassuring voice whispered in his ear: "It'll be fine, I've got you."

Kurt nodded as Dave removed his shirt. He almost laughed. The chubby guy was solid, chest broad and sturdy tapering down to a firm belly. He didn't have washboard abs but it was a far cry from what Kurt had assumed he looked like under the baggy letterman jacket. He didn't feel much like laughing though when Daves pants fell and The Destroyer (suddenly a lot less funny now) sprang free. Perhaps it was just the moment but Kurt was sure that he must have been mistaken, good joke, where's your real dick hiding at, but no.

Dave saw Kurts fear, as did Blaine who calmly took matters in hand.

"Stop standing Dave." He obeyed, kneeling between Kurts spread thighs and he could tell Kurt was doing his best to keep them parted and not listen to every instinct in his body that was telling him to protect himself. "Deep breath now, Kurt. Ok? It's going to be fine, I promise. Can you lift your legs for me?"

Kurt nodded jerkily and lifted his legs. Blaines hands grabbed them by the knees and lifted them up and wider.

"Go slow, Dave."

He nodded and moved between the pale thighs, lining himself up and slowly pushing inside.

Kurt gasped and Blaine squeezed him reassuringly, both watching in a mix of fascination and worry as Dave filled him, more and more until Kurt thought he couldn't do it, he couldn't take him in any further but just when he though he couldn't Daves hips were pressed against his bottom and neither boy moved. Blaine let go of Kurts legs and he wrapped them around Dave, holding him still.

Kurt was lowered to the floor, Blaine releasing his hold on the other boy. Kurts angle allowed his to see the other boy and realized Blaine was hard, achingly so. Selfless Blaine who would deny himself to see others happy and never once complain. Well, that just wasn't right. Kurt leaned his head back and reached his hand to grab Blaines hips and bring him closer.

"Kurt." Blaine said, surprised.

"Let me, Blaine, please. Let me do something for you."

He opened his mouth and swallowed Blaine. He wasn't as big as Dave but Kurt was inexperienced and worked to find a rhythm as Dave began slowly moving inside of him, drawing out slowly, painfully slow and then back in to the hilt until Kurts body relaxed and he began moving faster.

The smaller boy cried out around Blaine as he hit that spot over and over.

After a few awkward moments everything clicked into place and Kurt was able to take Blaine fully into his mouth, breathing heavily through his nose as Blaine gasped, eyes locking with Daves as he thrust into Kurt, making him moan around Blaine and sending a shock of pleasure through Blaines belly over and over until he couldn't take it anymore.

He was about to warn Kurt but another moan and a startled gasp and he came, Kurt's throat working over his pulsing member until he pulled out. The other boy gasped for breath coughing to clear his throat and Blaine lay, trembling and sweating and drawing in shuddering breaths as his hand groped around and found Kurt. He took the boy in his hand and began stoking him and Dave sped up to a frantic pace. Kurt screamed as he came, a high pitched sound as his release covered Blaines hand.

Kurt clenched around Dave and with a cry he buried himself inside and Kurt could feel a wet warmth on the inside.

For a moment nothing but breathing could be heard. Blaines slowly calming breathing as he curled around Kurt as the other boy drew in short, shaky gasps of air. Dave, leaning over Kurt, limbs weak and heavy but not wanting to crush the boy panted heavily as his slowly stopped shaking.

Slowly Dave slipped out and Kurts legs closed, feeling strange and empty inside but content as his two boys lay down beside him.

Kurt could feel himself, relaxed and exhausted, starting to drift off when Dave raised a fist and met Blaines fist in the air above Kurt in a tired fistbump.

"You're the man."

"No, you're the man."

Kurt closed his eyes and felt his mouth twitch into a smile. They may have been immature dumbasses but they were his immature dumbasses.

EPILOGUE

Meet the parents.

Burt prided himself on being a tolerant father. No, more than that, he was a loving, supportive father who only wanted what was best for his son. He had dreaded the day when Kurt brought home a boyfriend. The idea of Kurt being gay always seemed kind of abstract; he knew what it implied but the reality of it was always a far off, distant thing. The word 'boyfriend' was always like a bad omen of things to come but he promised himself when the day came he would be supportive and understanding.

How come his plans never worked out the way he wanted?

"Absolutely not! Kurt, you're grounded. Forever. You two. If either of you come near my son again you'll be hearing from my shotgun ... especially you Karofsky."

"But dad—"

"No 'but dad'. I could have handled one, just one, a nice boy like Blaine-"

"But I am Blaine." Blaine pointed out.

"-But two. That's two too many."

"Dad, that doesn't even make sense. And sit down, you're not well and you're not allowed to be under stress."

"Under stress," Burt bellowed. "How can I not be under stress when my son comes how with, not one, but two boyfriends. And one who threatened to kill you. Did you forget about that, Kurt, because I didn't? In fact, I'm pretty sure my honeymoon went to pay for you getting away from him and now you're DATING him. I just don't understand you, Kurt."

"Well, it's ok now, we fought and I punched him a few times and we're good now."

Burt simply started at Kurt until Kurt gulped heavily. "You fought? You fought him ... and won?"

"Well ... he may have let me win, I think."

"You're never leaving the house again."

"But daaaaad."

"Mr. Hummel," said Dave Karofsky. "You're absolutely right."

"Dave!"

"Damn it, Dave, stop trying to make me look bad."

"See, Kurt, that's the way to behave. I like your attitude Karofsky, I don't know about that Blaine kid though."

"But Blaine's the good one."

"There is no 'good' boyfriend. When will you learn that any boyfriend is a bad boyfriend?"

"I hate you!" Kurt yelled and stormed away, the distant sound of a door slamming seemed to echo throughout the house.

After a moment Dave spoke again. "You handled that very well, sir. It must be hard."

Burt nodded in approval at the maturity of the boy; at least he understood what a trial this was. The job of a father was never easy and his respect for the boy grew, somewhat.

"Will you stop doing that," Blaine snapped.

Now that one. That Blaine kid was trouble. He was too rebellious and entirely too good looking for Burts tastes. He could easily see Kurt being led astray into a life of drugs and debauchery by that charming smile. He would have to keep an eye on Blaine.

Burt raised an eyebrow and both boys were struck with Disapproval Senior. They had always though Kurt to be the master of the Eyebrow but no, suddenly it was clear, Kurt was merely the Apprentice, his father was the true Master. "So, boys, what exactly are your intentions with my son?"

Paul Karofsky couldn't take it. Here he was, sitting at his own table, eating toast and just trying to live his life in a calm and rational way. But how could any man be calm when faced with ... THIS?

Dave and his two boyfriends. TWO. BOYFRIENDS. The idea was enough to drive any man to murder. The small fruity one wasn't so bad; at least if his son had to be gay and had to have a boyfriend then at least he could rest assured that Dave wasn't the catcher, so to speak. That was his idea of what a gay guy should look like and, for all his reserve, he could tolerate the Hummel boy. But that Blaine kid, he was trouble. Far too not-gay looking. And his smile, he didn't trust that smile or those big doe eyes or that fluffy head. Why the hell did the boy look like a sheep?

Whatever the reason, Paul Karofsky was going to have to keep his eye on that one. He didn't trust the boy not to be the pitcher, so to speak, and he would be damned if he would stand for that in his house.

"Hey Blaine, when are we going to meet your parents?"

"More like when are you going to tell us your last name."

Blaine shrugged. "You guys never asked."

"Yes we have, Blaine." Kurt said. "Several times."

Blaine frown. "Well, I really don't like to talk about it but my parents died in a car crash when I was just a boy. Lily and James Potter. Tragic really, I can't remember them; all I have is this scar from the accident."

"The one that looks like a lightning bolt?"

"Yeah. That reminds me. Did I ever tell you both about the time all these owls started showing up at my house?"

THE END

A/N: As you can probably tell the epilogue was pure crack. ;)