What's this? This isn't The Bond Between Us! This isn't even Requiem For Dissent! No, it's not. It's a one-shot, *gasp*! I do actually write these things. This snuck into my head the other day and I just had to write it. It has no plot, no actual story, and it's sort of pointless. It's just cracky and slightly OOC because I don't think half of these characters would have Facebook accounts. But for the sake of this story, let's say they do. This is IchiHime, yes, but it sort of loses that focus about halfway through. The comment insanity is the real pillar of this one-shot. So don't expect lots of lovey-dovey stuff or fluff; just randomness.
Disclaimer: Bleach and its characters belong to Kubo Tite. I just use them for my own literary amusement. There is coarse language in here and some sexual themes. Also, I'm not sure how far the anime is so there might be some slight spoilers for those of you who only watch the anime.
Inoue Orihime is in a relationship with Kurosaki Ichigo.
4 hours ago . Like . Comment
Kuchiki Rukia, Matsumoto Rangiku, Yasutora Sado and 90 others like this.
Kuchiki Rukia Finally!
Yasutora Sado Congrats :)
Matsumoto Rangiku Details~~ I want them!
Abarai Renji Finally nice to see he grew a pear…
Ishida Uryuu Odd. I didn't realize Kurosaki was a pear tree. Good luck with that, Inoue-san.
Abarai Renji I MEANT PAIR. IT WAS A TYPO
Ishida Uryuu Oh I'm sure.
Abarai Renji You wanna come here and say that?
Ishida Uryuu I think I'd rather shoot myself in the ass than step foot in Soul Society again.
Asano Keigo Give Ichigo a partridge and Inoue-san will have one of the presents for 12 Days of Christmas! HAHAHAHA
Kojima Mizuiro Asano-san, it really wasn't that funny… (and congrats, Inoue-san).
Asano Keigo WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO?
Arisawa Tatsuki Would you people grow up? Seriously, it was a typo. Get over it. And Orihime: tell Ichigo he and I have to have a "chat".
Kurosaki Ichigo You do realize I can read this?
Arisawa Tatsuki You can read? HA.
Kurosaki Ichigo You bitch!
Arisawa Tatsuki Watch it, punk. I'll castrate you and dismember you if you piss me off.
Inoue Orihime Thank you, Kuchiki-san, Kojima-kun and Sado-kun! Asano: I thought it was a cute pun, really! Tatsuki: Please don't do that :(
Arisawa Tatsuki Oh fine, because you asked.
Matsumoto Rangiku You people! This is supposed to be a HAPPY thread.
Asano Keigo Thank you Inoue-san T_T
Kuchiki Rukia Yes, really. Half of you didn't even offer congratulations!
Abarai Renji Right… sorry. Congrats, Inoue.
Ishida Uryuu Indeed. Congratulations, and good luck. (5 people like this)
Kurosaki Ichigo The hell is that supposed to mean?
Ishida Uryuu She's dating YOU. That's self-explanatory
Matsumoto Rangiku HAPPY THREAD NOW, PLEASE.
Inoue Orihime Ishida-kun, I really like Kurosaki-kun :( He's a wonderful person (3 people like this)
Ishida Uryuu I apologize, Inoue-san. I should trust your judgment better. I do reserve the right to shoot him if he hurts you, though. (20 people like this)
Urahara Kisuke Look at it this way, Ishida-san: we'll get to see a new, possibly better side of Kurosaki-san. Consider it a learning experience.
Kurosaki Ichigo WHAT THE HELL? (And wait, since when did you have a Facebook account, Urahara-san?)
Ishida Uryuu …Very true. (and yes, really, since when?)
Urahara Kisuke Since always ;)
Kurosaki Ichigo …I'm just… yeah. Not going to comment.
Ishida Uryuu I think I'd rather not know in this case.
Hitsugaya Toshiro Congrats, Inoue-san and Kurosaki.
Matsumoto Rangiku Awwwww!
Hitsugaya Toshiro What? Isn't it protocol to congratulate someone on a new relationship, especially considering how long everyone's been going on about them getting together? Not that it was ANYONE'S business…
Matsumoto Rangiku Oh taichou, stop being such a wet rag. We only did because it was so obvious.
Inoue Orihime It was?
Kuchiki Rukia I don't think there's a soul that didn't know or at least suspect. Even Nii-sama commented that Ichigo should just take some initiative and stop acting like a brat.
Abarai Renji …Oh yeah, he did. I remember because I nearly blew out my drink everywhere when he said it.
Arisawa Tatsuki Did you REALLY have to share that, Renji?
Kurosaki Ichigo Wait a sec. BYAKUYA knew?
Yasutora Sado Everyone knew.
Shihouin Yoruichi Firstly, congrats Orihime and Ichigo. Secondly, yes, everyone knew. Sadly, Orihime is too shy and Ichigo too dense and I think it's safe to say that's why this took so long. (7 people like this)
Urahara Kisuke Well said, Yoruichi-san!
Inoue Orihime I feel kind of stupid now…
Kurosaki Ichigo Oi, you're not stupid Inoue. You're great the way you are.
Kuchiki Rukia Baka! You should say she's PERFECT the way she is
Kurosaki Ichigo If Inoue was perfect, she wouldn't be Inoue. I like her flaws, too. (10 people like this)
Ishida Uryuu Good God, did he just type something reasonably intelligent?
Kurosaki Ichigo Stuff it, Ishida.
Inoue Orihime Thank you, Kurosaki-kun :)
Kurotsuchi Nemu I offer congratulations
Inoue Orihime Thank you, Nemu-san!
Kurotsuchi Nemu Ishida told me that this is the appropriate way to respond to the news of a new relationship. Do I also offer congratulations when the relationship is consummated?
Kurosaki Ichigo …Consummated?
Kurotsuchi Nemu Do you not consummate relationships with sexual intercourse? It is especially prevalent among teenagers. And I should also remind you to use "protection", yes? (38 people like this)
Hirako Shinji ^ Best. Comment. Ever.
Yadomaru Riza Oh hell. I come on only to see this.
Matsumoto Rangiku LOL! Yes, Nemu, that is absolutely correct ;)
Arisawa Tatsuki NO IT'S NOT. NO ONE IS CONSUMMATING ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY NOT WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
Sarugaki Hiyori It's gonna happen eventually…
Hitsugaya Toshiro For the love of all that's holy, why are we talking about this?
Asano Keigo Ichigo you lucky bastard Dx
Kuchiki Rukia Wait, hold on. I am an expert on the human world and that is not (necessarily) how it works!
Kurosaki Ichigo I don't even – INOUE AND I ARE NOT DIONG AANYTHIGN!
Arisawa Tatsuki Wise answer.
Abarai Renji You can tell he's flustered by his complete spelling fail.
Ishida Uryuu I think it's time for damage control. Nemu-san, consummation is something that only happens after a couple is married, not in courtship. Granted, it does happen frequently in courtship, but it does not have to by any means.
Kurotsuchi Nemu Now I understand. Thank you. Have I offended anyone?
Ishida Uryuu Don't feel bad. It's an uncomfortable subject for some people.
Matsumoto Rangiku It's only natural. It's very healthy, too ;D
Kurosaki Ichigo WE ARE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. NOW.
Inoue Orihime Yes, please?
Kojima Mizuiro Uh, yes, uh…
Aizen Sousuke What a momentous event for you, Kurosaki Ichigo.
Kurosaki Ichigo AIZEN? HWO THE FUCK ARE YOU ON FACEBOKO?
Hirako Shinji You're shitting me. They're giving internet access to the people in the 8th level?
Ishida Uryuu Well, I imagine it was made so by the same idiots who only gave him a prison sentence and not an execution.
Kojima Mizuiro Who's this guy?
Arisawa Tatsuki The one you threw the Molotov cocktail at, remember?
Asano Keigo MAJOR DISLIKE!
Hitsugaya Toshiro AIZEN. WHY ARE YOU ON HERE?
Aizen Sousuke I see you are a lively bunch as ever. Did you think that my imprisonment would bar me from keeping an eye on those I have an interest in?
Arisawa Tatsuki You're a goddamn creep, you know that?
Inoue Orihime Um, how are you seeing this, actually? I think I changed my settings so that only friends could see my status.
Aizen Sousuke That was a minor hindrance. Before my intellect and my abilities, Facebook security settings are as nothing. Mere sandbags against the tsunami.
Ishida Uryuu ...In other words, you hacked into the system so that you could see into private accounts.
Hirako Shinji Oh ho. So god-wannabe has been reduced to a hacker. How fitting.
Abarai Renji Goddamn, Aizen. You must be bored or something.
Aizen Sousuke You have no idea.
Hitsugaya Toshiro Well this is nice and cozy, but something needs to be done about this.
Urahara Kisuke No worries, good captain. Already on it.
Aizen Sousuke And what would you do, Urahara? I can easily undo any changes you would make and any defenses you could throw in my way.
Kurosaki Ichigo Why do you even give a shit as to what I'm doing?
Aizen Sousuke Do you not remember my words, Kurosaki Ichigo? I have been watching you since you were born. Everything is still going according to expectations.
Kuchiki Rukia Wait, what?
Asano Keigo HUMONGOUS DISLIKE
Yasutora Sado O_O
Arisawa Tatsuki STOP CREEPING ON MY FRIENDS YOU ASSBAG! First you molest Orihime and now you're spying on Ichigo like some kind of voyeur? Yeah that's right, she told me about that.
Hirako Shinji Jesus Christ. Not only he is a megalomaniac god-wannabe, he's a fucking pedophile. You morons in Soul Society need to start having psychological screenings for potential captain candidates. Seriously.
Hitsugaya Toshiro Duly noted. And don't call me a moron.
Kurosaki Ichigo Wait, YOU TOUCHED INOUE? It's bad enough you freaking touched ME.
Abarai Renji …Okay, I could MAYBE see him going for Inoue-san but you too? Gross.
Kuchiki Rukia Ichigo, if I loan you my powers again, will you go down and kill him?
Shihouin Yoruichi All right that's enough of that. I got in touch with Soi Fon. She's on her way down there to cut off the internet. Kiss your Facebook days good-bye, Aizen.
Aizen Sousuke Infernal bitch.
Shihouin Yoruichi Pedophile =P Bye-bye. (8 people like this)
Urahara Kisuke Ah, I think Aizen's gone now. I started tracking him when he came on, but he's nowhere to be found now.
Muguruma Kensei Wow. I missed all the fun.
Ishida Uryuu Thank God that's over.
Kojima Mizuiro Well, at least he shouldn't be able to bother us now :) Not unless he can project a wireless signal from his mind.
Kurosaki Ichigo I wouldn't put it past him.
Yup, Aizen's a hacker. If he's smart enough to fool Soul Society for 100+ years and create a Hougyoku and all that jazz, he can hack into Facebook. And even build his own computer while in the Mugen level during his loooooong sentence. Cracky, yes, but I never claimed this made much sense.