The Shadow That Follows Us All: a Mass Effect Interlude

a Short Story Featuring John Shepard and Tali'Zorah vas Normandy

Finale

Pre-body

For those of you who got a story alert at around 20 minutes ago, I accidentally uploaded a beta file as the last chapter. Sorry about that, but I definitely couldn't leave it up, so I deleted it and uploaded this instead.

Legend

"speech"

Tali's thoughts

'speech recalled from memory'

Body

Her eyes widened at the word, as if she never expected someone like her Commander could ever utter such a filthy word. The context he used it in made it that much worse. "I wasn't going to stop myself. When you told me those things, I just lost it. I wanted it, I wanted you so badly." Me? He really, I made Shepard want me? "I needed to make you mine, Tali, so that no one else could take you away from me." How am I supposed to react to this? "I felt weak. So goddamn weak. Your suit would have been ripped open. You would have died from the resulting infection."

Tali didn't realize that particular consequence until after her Commander said it. I would have gotten an infection if we pushed through with it. This is what he meant by murdering me? By wanting me that badly? His hand came up to cover his face. "Please leave, Tali. Just go. I can't let you see me fall any lower than I already have. I can't risk losing control one more time. One more mistake, one more death because of the shadow I cast over everyone that ever mattered in my life. I don't want to lose you just like I lost Alenko."

Anger flashed through the quarian's veins. This has gone far enough. "Shepard," Tali began with a raised voice, surprising even herself, "I'm getting tired of you blaming yourself. You're our leader, and our comrade in battle. We have won every single battle against Saren and the Geth because you told us how. You have succeeded where no one else could have. You are Commander Shepard, so start acting like it!"

The marine stared at the outspoken quarian in front of him, dumbfounded. His jaw hung loose as the words sunk into him. "How can you still have faith in me, Tali?" he asked softly. "Even after I nearly took your life?"

"Don't say it like it was your fault," she reprimanded him, pointing her elongated hand at him. "You just said yourself that you were in a moment of weakness, didn't you? It's perfectly understandable after what we've all gone through; we act in ways we normally wouldn't when someone close to us dies. We think things, say things that we don't really mean, and sometimes we aren't prepared to resist acting on those thoughts. I knew you were weak and not in control of yourself, Shepard, and I still came on to you like some cheap call girl. The consequences are mine to take responsibility of, not yours."

The Commander opened his mouth as if to rebutt her arguments, but seemed to take it into consideration when he became silent. "I'm not comfortable with you taking the blame for what I almost did," he replied after a moment of thinking. "Despite not intending to do so, my loss of self-control still led to me doing that, and it was not your intention to provoke me, either. We both are responsible, and for that I still need to apologize."

Tali smiled softly, accepting the agreement that the two seemed to reach. I'm glad the Commander was able to accept that much, too. "Thank you, and I'm sorry for phrasing my consolation in such a, uh, 'suggestive' manner." She would have been entirely satisfied if the conversation ended there.

"I'm not finished." Unfortunately, it did not. "I still let Kaidan die on Virmire."

The machinist frowned. "Commander, do we really have to go through this again? There was nothing you could have done for him, and you know it."

A single finger was raised from his hand. "Which is what anyone else would think, as well, if they were in my position. Looking at the decision in and of itself, they would be right. However, no action exists in a vacuum." He looked up, seeing the engineer's confused look. "Let me explain.

"The rescue mission was going well. 'Tali, overload those Geth! Garrus, take out the group on my 2 o'clock! We're taking them down ASAP, then I'll double back to... Oh, no. No, no, no. Why are you-?'

"Too well, it turned out. 'I applaud you, Shepard.'"

Shepard shook his head, looking down. "I should have expected that to happen. In hindsight, it was all leading to Saren making an appearance sometime to slow down our operation. It was his main facility, after all. That was the biggest possible mistake I could have made, and overshadowed all my other small accomplishments on the way.

"Despite realizing that I was undoubtably forced into a checkmate, I struggled on with blind faith in my own abilities. 'Double time, Ash.'

"I thought I could still pull the rescue off. 'I-I got it, Commander, but I can't limp any faster than this.'

"I thought I was just that good. 'Not good enough.'

"But I didn't realize just how wrong I was. 'Shepard, what are you-? Ah!'

"How badly I failed and not know it. 'Joker, we're all in. Take us to Alenko's coordinates. The bomb's about to go off.'

"Actually, I refused to accept the inevitable. 'That's just suicide, Commander. We'll get caught in the blast!'

"I lost more than my control. 'Are you disobeying a direct order? Get us down there right now!'

"I lost belief in myself. 'Shepard, I'm sorry. Everybody, hang on!'

"I lost hope that I could avert the death I bring to others. 'No! I gave him my word! No one gets left behind. No gets to die anymore because of me! Kaidan!'

"I lost Kaidan Alenko."

Tali remained silent. She couldn't bring herself to say anything in response. What could I possibly say right now? What do I know that could convince the galaxy's sharpest mind that he's wrong? Thankfully, she didn't need to be the one to speak. Not yet, at least. "I've looked at the report of everyone that was involved in Virmire, including Kirrahe's copy of his 'non-existent' findings on the mission," the marine mentioned, walking back to his desk and pulling a concealed datapad from the wall. "I've spent every second since we left the planet trying to connect the dots, see where I went wrong in my planning.

"The mistakes I made were difficult to spot, and individually were non-consequential. However, put together in just the right collection of events and accumulated just right, and even my careful foresight failed to keep one of my crewmates alive." The Commander started pulling out several datapads in rapid succession, never stopping to highlight any single one. "We intercepted reports of unusual Geth activity prior to approaching Virmire, and despite it being circumstantial, I should have still urged the Council for back-up. No other part of the galaxy had reports of Geth attacks that exceeded the usual pattern of Geth presence, meaning Saren couldn't have been anywhere else but down there. Saren was last spotted in an outpost in the Traverse, where he..."

"Shepard," Tali said softly, placing her hands tenderly on the soldier's back. "It may be true that there was some way you might have known Saren would be there. You have a point there. But," the young woman continued quickly, not giving her captain a chance to reply, "the only way you could have planned this far ahead and prepared specifically for what happened in Virmire with the absoluteness you want," she paused before walking in front of him and looking straight into the Commander's eyes, "is if you were a god. And no one is a god." But, you are kind of close.

"Then perhaps that is my solution," Shepard mumbled. "Maybe if I became one, I could finally escape the shadow of death that continues to follow me." Tali frowned, and in an act that took both of them off guard, she placed her arms firmly around her leader's waist. "Tali! What are you doing?"

"I'm holding on you as hard as I can, you bosh'tet!" she cried out loudly. "Don't even make jokes like those, Shepard. It's not funny at all. That's why I need to hold onto you with all of my might; so that you won't fall any further into the darkness that you already have!"

Shepard's expression softened, understanding his companion's action. "What's so wrong about being plain old mortal, anyway? So we make a few mistakes here and there, and sometimes things happen that we can't control which make us wish we were never born as weak as we are." The marine's eyebrows raised; was she talking about her own circumstances? "That's what makes people so great to be around. We all have our own flaws, and we all have the chance to learn from our mistakes and mature for the better. You of all, Commander, are the main reason I want to become better than I am, that I might someday breathe fresh air and feel the sun on my skin without getting sick.

"So don't say that you want to become a god, Shepard," Tali finished off weakly, holding onto this man who was so much more with all her might, chasing away all her embarassment and shyness and revealing everything to the one person she'd do this for. "Don't reach a height so far above me that I can't possibly follow any longer." She looked to the side, thinking about anything other than the warm, solid abdomen that she was inches away from. "I-I know it's such a selfish thing to ask and I have no right to say this, but-"

A finger touching the quarian's mouthpiece brought her rambling to an end. "It's okay, Tali. I understand now." She looked up and her stomach felt light suddenly. Tali was greeted with the smiling face of her Commander. "Thank you for speaking out against me. Because of that, I've accepted the reality of the situation. I'm not omniscient, or omnipotent. I make mistakes, no matter how hard I try to prevent it. No matter how much I wish it was, I know that blaming Kaidan's death on myself will bring about nothing good."

"R-really?" The youthful alien blinked a few times, her nervousness returning yet again as she untangled herself from her predicament. "That's, that's good to hear, Commander. I'm so glad you've managed to climb out of your personal darkness."

"Hm." He raised an eyebrow thoughtfully, as if mulling over the reply his companion just said. "You must really feel strongly about this, huh?" Shepard replied with a teasing grin, which made Tali smile; he was back. "I guess I should have realized sooner, but the gloom of my quarters recently might have slightly contributed to my less-than-upbeat mood these past couple of days."

"Wow, Shepard, that's such a remarkably astute observation you made," the woman retorted sarcastically. "I am in unending worship of your brilliant deductive skills as always, O great detective."

"Well, I certainly do tr- hey, you're just yanking my leg, aren't you?" He asked playfully, waving a finger in mock anger.

"Goodness, Commander, I would never dream of it! But you know," Tali leaned in closer, deepening her voice and keeping as straight a face as possible, "there may be something else I'd like to yank on."

"Tali," the Commander replied in a serious tone, bringing his own face even closer to hers and causing the quarian to yelp unexpectedly. "Doy you realize what you've just offered me?" Tali felt something warm wrap around her arm, and blushed deeply when she realized it was her leader's large hand. Oh, Keelah, I did it again... "It's imprudent to lead your Commander on like that unless you're willing to accept the consequences. Are you?"

Her heart was racing. I got myself into this mess again. "Tali'Zorah." She could feel her god's intoxicating breath on her lips and invading her senses. I'm getting dizzy again. "I need your answer." Sweat began to form on her face; her entire suit was heating up. What can I say, though? He's my Commander; I can't just turn him down. "Unless silence is your reply." The female quarian bit on her lip to keep an unwanted sound from escaping. I'm in a bad situation right now. But still, I can't say I don't want this to happen, either. "Because I'll take it as a 'yes'." Tali gulped. He, he will? Argh, I can't think straight when I'm feeling like this- "Tali, tell me what you need."

"Sh-Shepard," she began, her voice trembling. She made her decision: Reap what I sow. "I-I, I need..."

"Psych."

Tali blinked. "H-huh?"

Looking at Shepard's face once more, the flustered woman notied one of the largest grins she had ever seen on any creature before. "Oh man. Oh-ho-ho man, Tali, you should have seen your face right then!" Backing up, the soldier began laughing as loudly as Wrex could snore, and he held his stomach as if in pain. Don't tell me. That was a joke? "Ahahaha, that face, it's so priceless! You were getting so worked up after just a bit of touchy feely time, and aha-ouch! Oh no, you're gonna make me bust a gut!"

A twitch was forming on the quarian's lip. "Shepard..." She took one shaky step twoards her cracked up companion. "You..." Her gaze began to harden and become menacing, which the soldier was too busy laughing to notice. "Little..." Once he finally calmed down enough to see the shadow over his head, cast by his friend's raised hand, it was too late.

"Bosh'tet!"

…

"So you're expecting me to believe that you got that from waking up on your face?" a blue armor-covered turian asked Shepard as he sat down next to him, food tray in hand.

"I'm expecting you to believe in the facts is what I'm saying, Garrus," the less-than-happy human replied irritably, biting down on his roast beef and closing his eyes as if to emphasize the statement. An oddly shaped mark could be seen across the side of his face.

"Oh yeah, it's perfectly normal to get out of bed with what you claim to be a star-shaped and semi-hard pillow that somehow lost its two legs - due to, what was it, overuse? - making a textbook slap mark where you woke up from it. There's clearly no way that mark, shaped like a three-fingered hand hit you upside on your cheeky grin, could be an actual slap mark."

"You see?" the Commander replied matter-of-fact, apparently ignoring the dripping sarcasm the C-Sec officer soaked his statement in. "Now we're reaching a sensible conclusion. This kind of thing's totally normal. Humans sleep with symbols of their childhood all the time, and mine just happened to lose its fluffiness and get a little banged up over the past years."

"If you say so, Shepard," Garrus shrugged and took a bite out of his own meal. His human seatmate nodded in approval, taking a sip from his hot chocolate. "You do understand that the excuse of sleeping with stuffed dolls makes you out as kind of gay, right?"

At that remark, the Commander suddenly sprayed out the beverage he had just taken into his mouth, but through the other orifice. "Ah, burdig paidful hot choco id by dowz!" he attempted to exclaim, unable to make the proper consonants due to the incapacitation of his nasal cavity. "Sweet Bother Bary that stigs worse thad the bagba od Therub!"

The occupant in the other seat merely at in his place, seemingly oblivious to the fact that scalding hot liquid just splashed onto him. "Nice one, Shepard. Now you don't need to sit down to take a crap."

"Aw, cad it, Wrex!"

Among the chatter and giggling that emerged from the crew, one clear voice rang out to silence the rest. "Hey, can everyone pipe the hell down? Some of us are trying to actually get their breakfast down into their belliy!" Upon hearing the stern reprimand from their Gunnery Chief, most everyone proceeded to mute their conversations to whispers, aside from her Commander who was still recovering from the modified nose-milk attack and his two alien buddies keeping him company the best they knew they could; by making fun of his utter misery.

"Stupid bosh'tet," one of Ashley's tablemates muttered under her breath.

"Tali, please don't speak to the captain in that manner," came the concerned voice of her other female seatmate. "It is impolite to ridicule someone else's mistakes."

"Aw, leave the Latex Princess alone, Liara," the human woman said, grinning. "I bet she's got a lot on her mind right now. Don't you?"

The asari scientist tilted her head, not getting what her companion meant exactly. The young quarian simply blew on her cup of hot dextro-chocolate, glad that the opacity of her suit gave the added protection of others not being able to see the small smile on her face.

fin

Post-body

I hope it doesn't read like I rushed it. I'm just glad I got it done over the weekend, and that I won't have this stuck on my mind the whole time I'm back in school, studying for my quizzes and stuff.

If it isn't a bother, please tell me how you liked my short story in the review page. I'd like that.

02-21-11 - Made some grammar and word improvements, and fleshed the epilogue out a bit more.