A.N: I know this is out of season, but the idea popped into my head and I just wrote it.

Disclaimer: I don't own DCMK.

Pairing: Established KaiShin, implied HeiKazu and HakuAoko

Warning: Don't expect anything serious, this is humor all the way.

7 Days of Madness

Day 1: The First Mistake

"This is a stupid idea," Hattori Heiji complained loudly from the front passenger seat of the car. To his right, the driver snorted.

"For once, I agree with you."

"Then why don't you just turn this damn car around?" the Oasakan detective demanded.

Hakuba Saguru let out a resigned sigh. "Because we already agreed."

"Yeah, under duress."

"Regardless."

"Will you two stop already?" Kudo Shinichi asked from the car's back seat, sounding both tired and thoroughly exasperated. "You've been over this same conversation twenty three times already."

"It's mostly your fault we're here Kudo," Hattori pointed out, casting an equally irritated glare over his shoulder at the Detective of the East. "I don't see why we all have to suffer just because criminals appear wherever you go."

Shinichi glared. "Like you don't run into your fair share of crime scenes."

"Certainly not as often as you do."

"Oh come on," the fourth and final member of their little traveling party piped up abruptly, cutting off any further argument. "What are you all complaining about? We're going on vacation! Or do you all really love to work that much?"

Hattori's baleful look transferred to the new speaker. "It's not the vacation part I'm complaining about."

"Oh?" Kuroba Kaito raised an eyebrow, a knowing smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Is it the location then? You should have said something sooner. I'm sure we could have found somewhere more to your liking."

"It's not the location," Hakuba droned from the driver's seat with a resigned sigh. "It's the company. No offense Kuroba, but if I had a choice I would not be spending Christmas trapped under the same roof as you."

In his seat, Hattori rolled his eyes and mouthed a 'better him than you' at the blonde which only Shinichi (and maybe Kaito) saw.

"You wound me," the magician exclaimed before a grin broke out across his face and he reached over to pull a startled Shinichi towards him. "But really, you two can leave any time you like. I won't stop you."

Shinichi frowned, making an attempt to dislodge Kaito's arm so that he could get back to sitting upright. The arm tightened and he sighed, opting instead to shift into a more comfortable position leaning against the magician and adjusting his seatbelt so it didn't feel like the car was trying to strangle him. "Why am I not included in the list of people who have a choice in this?"

"Because I have permission from Ran-chan and your parents to keep you for the duration of the holidays so we can all have a murder free vacation!"

"That makes no sense."

"Yes it does," the magician argued. "You can't say you haven't noticed people don't drop dead around you when we go out together. Everyone else has."

"But they fall from the sky when Hattori's around—"

"Oi!"

"—so we add Hakuba-san and there's probably going to be a murder when we get to this retreat anyway."

"Hmm, do you want to make a bet?"

Shinichi stared up into Kaito's grin, noting the mischievous, eager gleam in his dark, indigo eyes. "No."

"No one in their right mind would bet against you," Hattori grumbled, turning back to face forward again. "It just ain't fair."

"It's not my fault that Lady Luck favors me."

"Ugh, I still can't believe I let myself get talked into this," the Osakan groaned again. "Why is Kazuha doing this to me? I had all these places to go lined up and now I can't go to any of them!"

"Maybe because she was tired of running into murders every time she was trying to relax?" the blond detective drawled.

The Osakan rolled his eyes. "What, is that what Nakamori-chan told you?"

"Yes."

"When are the girls coming up anyway?" Shinichi interjected, feeling it was time to change the subject. He was really sick of listening to Hattori's griping. It had started shortly after they'd left his house in Beika that morning and hadn't let up for the last four hours. Truth be told he'd almost been looking forward to this getaway before he'd been subjected to the aforementioned four hours. "No one bothered to tell me." Which was kind of annoying, but his friends seemed to be doing that a lot these days. They made plans for him without his knowledge then always somehow managed to push and pull him into cooperating.

"Aoko said they're picking up Ran-chan from the airport on the twenty second and they'll all be up by Christmas Eve," Kaito supplied.

"The twenty second? Ran told me she was coming back on the twentieth . . ."

"I believe it has something to do with the fact that she managed to convince her mother to join her and Mouri-san on their vacation."

Shinichi blinked in surprise. "Really? That's . . .interesting." Privately he rather thought that was a formula more likely to lead to the Mouris early return, but he wished Ran luck anyway. Maybe this time she'd actually manage to coax her parents onto speaking terms. Stranger things had happened.

The rental house they had secured for the holidays sat near a lake along with a handful of other similar establishments. Each house was set far enough apart to give the illusion of privacy while being close enough together for their occupants to socialize should they so desire with those living in the other houses. It was a beautiful place really, with the only real down point being the lack of any shops nearby, meaning that any groceries that were needed had to be brought along or purchased in the town several hours' drive away.

The four vacationers pulled up in front of the neat little western style house with two floors and a front porch. Gravel crunched beneath the tires as the car came to a stop. Hakuba double-checked to make sure they had the correct address before taking the house keys from the glove compartment and getting out of the car followed shortly by his companions. He'd only just opened the door to the trunk when there was an explosion of white feathers and a stream of doves came pouring out from inside said trunk. He leapt back in surprise, slipped on the loose gravel, and landed hard on his rear.

"Kuroba!" he shouted, shooting Kaito a venomous glare which was redirected to Heiji when the Osakan burst out laughing. Shinichi sighed and moved to offer the blonde a hand up.

"Oops, I guess I should have mentioned I brought my doves. They were putting up a fuss about being left behind you see," the culprit said brightly, inclining his head in mock apology only to receive another glare. Poor Hakuba . . .not. Kaito grinned. He was so going to enjoy this Christmas.

X

Shinichi was starting to think that this whole venture had been a really bad idea. Well, actually he'd guessed it might be a bad idea when he'd first been informed that it was happening (because of course he hadn't been asked), but it was only now that he was really understanding how terrible it could be. Hakuba and Hattori, never on the best of terms to begin with, couldn't seem to resist making a go at each other at least once every few hours. They argued about everything from who would get which room to who was going to do which chores to what they were going to eat and so on and so forth. And Kaito only made it worse by egging them on in turn. The magician seemed to be deriving great enjoyment out of watching them fight over pointless things. The only upside to the situation was that no one had died. They'd checked the whole house over carefully and found no signs of a body anywhere.

Shinichi was honestly surprised by that. Which, he supposed, was just an argument in favor of this whole idea.

Heiji and Hakuba were still arguing over who should be allowed to use the bathroom first when Shinichi shut the door on their voices and collapsed bonelessly onto the bed. Once there he grabbed a pillow and tried to smother all sound with it as he groaned. The mattress shifted and an arm pulled him back against a familiar, solid warmth. The pillow was gently extracted from his grasp and tucked under his head.

"Do you really dislike being here that much?"

Shinichi blinked at the slightly forlorn note in the magician's voice before squirming around so he could look the other in the eyes. "No, it's not that I don't like being here. I'm just—tired of listening to them."

His statement was emphasized by a loud crash and muffled shouting. If he had to make a guess, he'd say someone must have knocked over someone else's stuff.

Kaito chuckled at that. "If you want, I'm sure I could find a way to make them be quiet."

It was a sign of how tired he was that Shinichi seriously considered taking the magician up on the offer. But for the sake of the slim sliver of hope that this vacation might still be peaceful, he shook his head. Besides, he didn't really want to get up in the morning to find his fellow detectives bound in their respective rooms with their mouths duct-taped shut or something else along those veins. It would only make things worse in the long run.

"Well, if you change your mind, just let me know."

"Maybe if they're still at it tomorrow night . . .and if we ever do this again we're renting a separate house," he grumbled, letting his eyes slide shut as they'd been wanting to do all evening and relaxing for what felt like the first time in forever. "G'night . . ."

Kaito smiled; a much softer expression than his usual manic grin. "Good night."

TBC

A.N: Well, again, I'm writing this whenever I don't feel like dealing with more serious plots, so it's going to be pretty silly all the way through.