How?, a stargate: atlantis fanfic

How?

Author: ShaViva

Rating: T

Season: season 5, after 'Search and Rescue'

Summary: "How could he ever love you the way I could?" Just a little something in light of the fact that it's Valentine's Day. John/Teyla pre-ship.

Classifications: Romance

Spoilers for: Minor ones for 'Search and Rescue' and 'The Daedalus Variations'.

Disclaimer: I am unfortunately not associated in any way with the creators, owners, or producers of Stargate or any of its media franchises, which is obvious because one - SGA would still be on; and two - Lorne would be there ALL the time! All publicly recognizable characters, settings, equipment, etc are the property of whoever owns them. Any original characters, plot, settings, and anything else I made up are the property of me, the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Author's Note:

Okay, someone needs to take my iPod and my link to YouTube away ... seriously. I can only explain this one by saying I heard this song and it made me think about John and ... and then I wrote this.

How?

John Sheppard sat in the Mess Hall, slouched at the usual team table alone, his eyes locked on the scene across the room. Teyla, with Torren in her arms and a proud, back to fully human Kanaan by her side, was talking to Major Lorne. Lorne was still on crutches, still recovering from being half crushed under a building. John himself wasn't a hundred percent recovered either but it wasn't those physical pains that were troubling him now. He hid his emotions behind the easy going expression he'd perfected years ago, but inside he was consumed with the more unattractive of human emotions.

Envy. Anger. Regret. Disillusionment. Disappointment.

He'd heard a song the other day that mirrored his feelings so perfectly he wondered if the writer had somehow managed to tap into his heart. Because surely no one had ever been quite as screwed in the romance department as John currently was.

"How could he ever love you the way I could?
Oh and how could he ever hold you the way I would?
If you only knew,
each night what I go through.
While my heart is breaking,
you're a making
someone else's dream come true."

John couldn't see how Kanaan could possibly love Teyla the way he did. He knew her in a way Kanaan couldn't, knowledge forged by what they'd been through together over the last four years. Kanaan loved the woman he imagined Teyla to be. John loved her for who she truly was, a distinction he silently urged her to see. Of course she didn't - why would she when he'd done nothing to show her he felt that way. And now he was forced to watch the two of them, knowing that she was short changing herself as much as she was John. She didn't know how it would feel for John to hold her, to love her. He didn't either and that lack of knowledge cut deeply, especially now she was with someone else. Every time John saw Teyla and Kanaan together the picture they made just clashed.

They didn't look right.

John tried to tell himself his opinion had been formed minus any hint of self interest on his part, but deep down he couldn't be sure. He wanted to ask his friends what they thought - Ronon, Rodney, Lorne - but to do so would reveal how important their answer was to him and he wasn't ready to go down that road yet. He was still deluding himself that his secret stayed with him, although realistically John knew that wasn't true. He was pretty sure Lorne had it figured out – the man was silent much of the time but observant and insightful ... and thankfully beyond discrete. Any suspicions Evan had about John's feelings for Teyla, he'd keep to himself.

Teyla laughed at something Lorne said, her happiness reaching out to Sheppard like a slap in the face. Not that John begrudged her that happiness. He didn't. He just wished he was the reason for it, instead of Kanaan. But that's what you got for sitting on your feelings for four years instead of owning up to them. He had only himself to blame too, because there was a time when he'd wondered whether Teyla felt the same, when he'd imagined he saw more than just the regard of a team mate in her eyes. Now that those moments had passed, the regret and the need to know if he'd been right was burning him inside, enough that he was almost ready to take the risk and just ask her.

"I gotta know how, how does it feel to be loved by you?
I gotta know how, just how it feels to be touched by you.
I've never said before,
but I can't take it anymore.
I gotta know how, just how it feels to be loved by you."

Lorne finished up with Teyla and Kanaan and made his way over to John's table, taking a seat after a nod of acknowledgement from his CO. The two men sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, John's eyes still on Teyla. A baby on Atlantis was a big thing and her presence in the Mess was drawing a lot of attention. Currently Lieutenant Cadman was making silly faces at Torren – Laura didn't seem the type to get clucky over a baby but John didn't really know much about her background. He'd held himself back from everyone, his team less than most but even with them he kept things to himself. He'd never been good at broaching the difficult subjects.

"Things aren't what they seem Sir," Lorne commented quietly.

"Sorry?" John directed his gaze to the Major, frowning.

"Teyla and Kanaan Sir," Lorne reiterated. "They aren't the couple they seem."

"And you know this how?" John queried sceptically.

"Anyone would know, if they looked closely enough," Lorne answered with his usual understated confidence.

John frowned again, returning his attention to the couple in question.

Teyla stood beside Kanaan but they didn't touch. Kanaan put a hand to her shoulder to steady her when she readjusted Torren in her arms, and although she looked up at him with a grateful smile there was nothing intimate about it. They looked comfortable with each other ... maybe too comfortable for two people supposedly in love and still freshly reunited after a long and stressful separation.

"They have a child together," John stated stubbornly.

"It wouldn't be the first time two people mistook friendship for something deeper," Evan pointed out.

John's brow rose but he didn't comment, eyes back on Teyla. She murmured something to Kanaan, smiled a farewell to Cadman and then took her leave, Torren's head snuggled against her shoulder as he slept.

"You should tell her," Lorne advised.

"Tell her what?" John returned. Lorne said nothing, his pointed expression enough to have Sheppard shaking his head. "That's a ship that sailed without me a long time ago Major."

"You can really go on from here never answering the 'what if?' question?" Lorne asked incredulously. "In the same situation I'm not sure I could Sir."

"Did you get up on the nosy side of the bed this morning Major?" John complained - usually Evan was a lot more subtle in making his point.

Lorne chuckled. "No, more like the impatient side of the bed Sir. It's tiring sometimes, seeing things so clearly but having to hold your tongue." He turned serious as he continued. "I'm not going to apologise Sir. I hope we're friends as well as CO and 2IC – enough for me to speak freely when the occasion calls for it."

"We are," John sighed, "and you're right. The status quo isn't what it used to be but ... I suck at this kind of thing."

"Maybe back on Earth you did," Evan surprised John by agreeing, "but this isn't Earth Sir ... things aren't the same ... and people are different too. Some of them fit a lot better here than they ever did back home."

John's brow rose and he found himself nodding. Lorne was right again – John was one of those who'd found a place on Atlantis that had been lacking on Earth. He fit ... maybe it was time to push that beyond what was comfortable. "I'll think about it," he dismissed.

Lorne nodded, a fleeting half smile crossing his face. "I'll leave you to it then Sir," he announced, getting to his feet. "See you at the briefing later."

John nodded absently, thoughts obviously elsewhere. "Lorne," he called suddenly.

Evan turned back. "Sir?"

"Thanks," John said simply.

"You're welcome," Lorne returned.

Deciding you wanted to change something and getting around to actually doing it were nowhere near the same thing, something John was already aware of. It was all too easy to let situations get in the way, tell yourself the timing wasn't right, put it off. It didn't help that procrastination and avoidance when it came to Teyla were already John Sheppard habits. After she'd told him she was pregnant it had taken him weeks to get around to saying anything that wasn't about her place on his team.

He hadn't lied when he'd told Lorne he sucked at communicating his emotions. And so it was that although he planned to say plenty of things to Teyla, he never actually got around to implementing any of those plans. Until they were stuck on a copy of the Daedalus, three realities away from home, with a future that felt all too grim.

"Although I have every faith in Rodney to find a solution, still I am ... scared," Teyla murmured. She and John were on the bridge, sitting on the floor under the plaque that proudly proclaimed the ship's name. They'd done everything they could do at the consoles and by mutual unspoken agreement had decided to vacate their stations.

"Scared of what?" John replied, turning his head to look at her.

"That my son will grow up never knowing what happened to his mother," Teyla's lips trembled and she swallowed back what looked liked imminent tears.

"Look, Rodney's gonna fix this," John strived to sound as confident as possible. "No buts." He hesitated. "You should know though ... Kanaan wouldn't let Torren forget you ... and Lorne would be on his ass if he doesn't do the right thing by your son."

Teyla half laughed, her eyes shining. "Yes, Major Lorne is quite protective of Torren."

"He's good with kids," John shrugged, still surprised by that fact.

"He told me some months ago of his two nephews," Teyla shared something John really should have known about his 2IC – even one as private as Lorne. She smiled softly. "You are also very good with Torren."

"He makes it easy," John dismissed any praise, more intent on reassuring both of them that their current situation was reversible. "You'll see him soon."

"Thank you John," with a sigh Teyla shifted a little closer, laying her head on his shoulder.

It was nice ... too nice, and it had him thinking about things their prior sombre mood should have squashed. Teyla was worried about Torren – she didn't need him offloading his regrets, her being chief among them.

"Oohh I wanna live every day with you.
And I wanna die the same day as you.
I try to advertise and tell you through my eyes
that girl I lost my pride so long ago.
I'll even sing a song just to let you know."

That damn song came back to him, one line in particular ringing true, given their current situation. He wasn't ready to buy the farm, and giving up wasn't in his nature but ... the sentiment was true. He did want to die the same day as Teyla – because if something happened to her and he lived through it, it would mean he'd failed her ... and he wasn't sure his heart could recover from something like that.

"This will sound crazy because I'm not glad you're here ... I'm not glad I'm here either ... but ... ah, I ah, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," he blurted, stumbling over his words awkwardly.

"That is very sweet," Teyla smiled, putting a hand over his forearm and squeezing.

"No, it's not," John complained, realising she didn't get it. "There's nothing sweet about it. You're with Kanaan and we're stuck here and this is the last thing I should be thinking about."

"I do not understand," Teyla frowned at him.

"Am I really that hard to read?" John demanded, irritated all of a sudden. "A guy crushes on you for four years and you never suspect a thing? Nobody's that good!"

"You are angry," Teyla commented graciously, making him feel about an inch tall.

This was ridiculous – and he was too old to be feeling so inept over a girl. "Listen, forget it, okay," John shifted, intent on getting out of there before he put his foot any further in his own mouth. "It's just this crazy situation, being forced to wait around for Rodney to save our collective asses," he tried to excuse, halfway to standing. "I'll just -,"

"Stop," Teyla grabbed his wrist and held on tightly.

John froze, his eyes locked to hers. His heart was suddenly galloping in his chest – an instinctive fight or flight response, or driven by his fear that she was about to kick his ass?

"Sit down," Teyla's tone was so stern that he found himself dropping back down without protest. He didn't say anything – sure that whatever he said would only make the situation worse.

"Let me clarify your meaning," Teyla began, nothing in her manner giving him any clues to her thoughts. "You have feelings for me?"

John nodded, watching her carefully.

"Romantic feelings?"

John nodded again. "I know you don't -."

"Quiet," Teyla held up a hand, waiting until he made it clear he wasn't going to say anything else.

"And you have felt this way for some time?" she asked.

"Four years," he tried to maintain eye contact but the whole thing was just so uncomfortable that he had to look away.

"Why did you not say something?" Teyla demanded. John's eyes shot to hers and he grimaced – yeah, he could tell what she was feeling now. Anger – a big bucket load of it all directed at him.

"You're seriously asking me why?" he decided his best defence was a strong offence. "We're on the same team … you're the leader of your people … you know we have rules about this kind of thing!"

"Rules that do not apply to me … to us," Teyla dismissed forcefully. "You have been dishonest with me for several years John – please do me the courtesy of being honest now. Why did you not tell me?"

"Fine," John lurched to his feet, taking a few paces away before spinning to confront her. "I never mentioned it because I had no reason to think you'd welcome those feelings. But it wouldn't have mattered if you had because my track record with relationships is worse than Rodney's – I decided very early on that it was better to have you around as a friend than risk it for something more."

Teyla's expression was unreadable as she absorbed John's words. The way she watched him made him feel like a bug under a microscope. He felt exposed – vulnerable - and he stumbled into further speech in an effort to distract both of them.

"It was cowardly but by the time I started thinking maybe I'd made the wrong decision you were telling me you were three months pregnant," he chuckled harshly. "That made it damned obvious that you weren't interested in anything I had to offer. You have Kanaan and I have -," he stopped, his posture slumping as he admitted the truth. "I have nothing, which is pretty much what I deserve."

That was the end of the conversation as far as he was concerned – he hadn't stuck to anything he'd planned to say to her and it was obvious in how badly it had gone. Retreat and the hope that she'd play along and pretend the whole thing never happened were his only options now.

"John," Teyla's gentle voice stopped him in his tracks but he didn't turn to face her. There was that fear again, only this time he was sure she was about to make it clear that she felt sorry for him and the last thing he needed was pity. He'd done enough of that for himself, every time he thought about her having a future with Kanaan, one he'd have to witness every day for the foreseeable future. Self-pity was counterproductive and for sure any sympathy she tried to offer him would be likewise.

"If you only knew,
each night, what I go through.
While my heart is breakin',
you're a making
someone else's dreams come true."

"John, look at me please," Teyla requested softly.

John took a deep breath and then turned, steeling himself to keep his expression as blank as possible.

"Kanaan and I are not a couple," she revealed. She must have stood up when he did ... now she stepped closer until they were toe to toe. Looking up at him she smiled. "For a time I believed I could be happy with him but my heart has not been mine to give to another since you came to Athos and changed all our lives."

"I brought the Wraith down on the entire galaxy," John felt compelled to point out. "Your people lost their home and if that wasn't bad enough, we're responsible for Michael too. I'm the last person you should want to be with."

"Yes," Teyla said simply, "and yet it appears you are the only man who will do. It is time to make a decision John. Do you want to be with me?"

It was a simple question and the answer had been at the forefront of his mind for as long as he'd known her. "Yes," he returned.

"Even though Kanaan and I will be forever linked through Torren?"

"Yes," John said again. "He's a great kid."

"And you will learn to tolerate another man in his life," Teyla surmised.

"Well, I did practically deliver him myself," John exaggerated, "and I took him on his first flight."

"Important events," Teyla agreed with a small smile.

She shifted closer still, placing a hand on his chest. He felt the heat of her palm as more than just a physical thing, felt a cold place inside begin to thaw. "Teyla," he murmured, not sure what he was asking for.

"Tell me," she urged and he knew what she wanted. After so long, alluding to feelings wasn't enough.

"I …," he couldn't help the way he shivered as she pressed close to him, her arms moving to wrap around his waist. "I love you." He was hardly aware that he'd managed to get the words out – that they sounded sure and confident instead of inept and unconvincing. All of his focus was on her smile and the fact that she was pulling him down to her, their lips finally meeting.

He'd kissed her before – that one time when he'd been unlike himself enough to tap into desires he'd kept hidden. Then he'd felt the need to devour her, to stamp himself all over her and the same urge was on him now. It was a lot more heated than their situation and location called for, but it took a few minutes for John to return to himself enough to remember that.

"Whoa," he reared back, keeping Teyla close as he looked down at her. "That was … about what I expected," he admitted. "We really need to take this somewhere private," he added.

"Yes," Teyla agreed, also unwilling to create any physical distance between them. They stood, touching, eyes locked, content to just look at each other.

"Sheppard," Rodney's voice was a rude but not unexpected interruption. John was surprised it had taken the scientist so long to radio him.

"McKay," he returned, putting his arm around Teyla as he shifted them both towards the doors.

"Come down to the engine room," Rodney demanded. "I have an idea."

Romance, surprisingly requited love, and where it would lead them had to be put on the back burner as they worked to keep the Daedalus going through its tumultuous 'return across realities' trip. When they broke back into their own reality the relief was enormous, hardly dampened by having to put on the evac suits and subject themselves to space while they waited for Lorne to come and get them.

"Colonel Sheppard, is that you?"

John wouldn't admit how relieved he was to hear his second's voice – for a few minutes there he'd begun to wonder if he'd doomed them all with his floating around in space plan. "Major, nice of you to stop by. Kind of hard to get a cab in this neighbourhood," he quipped. He was watching Teyla and there was just enough light from the sun to illuminate the smile on her face.

"Yes, sir! It's good to hear your voice Sir," Lorne returned.

"You too Major," John replied. "We're all more than ready for you to come and pick us up."

"We're on our way," Lorne promised.

Back on Atlantis, debriefed and fully examined by Doctor Keller, John was tired enough that just retiring to his room sounded really good. Making eye contact with Teyla and raising a brow, his invitation was clear – Teyla gave a subtle nod and he walked from the infirmary, content that she'd arrive at his quarters when she could. He knew she'd spend some time with Torren first, and then arrange for Kanaan to watch the baby while he slept.

Wondering whether it would be awkward now they were back home and not in danger of being stranded forever, John settled on his bed to wait for her. He was tired and the bed was comfortable enough, but still sleep alluded him ... his internal jumpiness increasing until finally his door chimed.

Teyla smiled when he opened it for her himself, walking inside when he shifted to give her room.

And then they were in each other's arms and there was nothing awkward about it – they fell seamlessly back into the same moment they'd been forced to leave back on the Daedalus. It was everything John could have hoped for and nothing like he'd imagined – being with Teyla Emmagen in the most basic and intimate of ways satisfied so many aspects of him beyond the mere physical that even the most articulate of men would struggle for the words to describe it.

John didn't try to explain to Teyla what it meant to him – instead he held her close, hoping that she could feel the emotions as easily as he did, compelled to tell her again with the same certainty that he loved her.

"I love you too," Teyla murmured, resting her head comfortably against his chest.

With a contented sigh, John matched his breathing to hers and let himself drop off to sleep.

Walking into the science lab a few weeks later, John talked to Rodney for a couple of minutes before he realised there was music playing in the background and that he actually recognised the song.

That wasn't him anymore.

No more wondering what openly loving Teyla and feeling her love in return would be like. No more wondering whether his body would mesh with hers, whether the two of them together would just click, like they were meant to be. No more wondering how it would feel to have her at his side, his partner as well as his friend.

Finally he knew.

Smiling to himself he turned his attention back to his friend.

"What's got you so happy?" Rodney half complained.

"Life," John said simply.

The End!

Authors Note:

This is the last song fic, I promise! (Well, aside from finishing Lorne's Facade of course). The song here is 'How' - it's a Robyn Thicke song but I couldn't find any versions or any evidence that he ever released it himself. I stumbled across it on YouTube while watching some Guy Sebastian videos - Guy had it on his Beautiful Life album in 2004/5. If you want to hear it the easiest way to find a link is to go to my favourites on YouTube (ShaViva3) - I knew the song was there and struggled to find it when I went looking for it again. Enjoy ...