A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, guys – I am shocked and flattered that you guys find this so amusing, and that some of you even think that I've completely lost my mind, lol! :D StormyFireDragon made me laugh out loud with their review, telling me I've "finally cracked." It made my day! All of your reviews did. Here's the last part (crosses fingers hoping you guys aren't disappointed), enjoy! Please review.

Harry, Merlin, and the Angsty Showdown of Doom

Chapter Three: The Third Part

Everyone was silent as they waited for the verdict. Some were anxious to find out who was the most angsty in the land. Most had reached the point where they couldn't care less and were just eager for it to be over so they could go home and not be in this story anymore.

"You've decided, Gandalf?" Harry asked, green eyes wide in anticipation. At the front of the crowd, Rita Skeeter's Quick Quotes Quill poised itself readily above the paper. Arthur was petting his sword-spider (whom he had dubbed Excalispider) and Ron was cowering from it. Hermione was tapping her foot impatiently and Professor McGonagall was glaring at Lee and George, who had just decided to give Trevor back to Neville (seems they had taken the toad all along) and Gwaine was humming, "Yo yo, it's a pirate's life for me."

Gandalf nodded. "I have. But before I give my final decision, you must all listen to me." He paused. "This whole thing is idiotic. Fighting over who has had the most horrible life? If you must fight about anything, let it be something noble, like freedom, justice, or the last Cool Ranch Dorito." His words were wise and no one tried to contradict him although Ron did perk up at the mention of junk food. Doritos were a noble cause.

The great wizard continued, "To argue over your terrible past, re-surfacing painful memories, using your misfortunes and the misfortunes of others to gain respect, sympathy, or more points?"

Merlin looked like he'd just been hit. "B-but…"

Gandalf sighed. "I can see that you are set in your ways. But first I'd like to remind you that you two are not the only characters in existence to go through bad times." He snapped his fingers and Luke Skywalker popped out of nowhere.

"Take THAT you dastardly Sith!" he crowed as he swung his Jedi light saber and nearly took Neville's nose off. He looked up and glanced around. "Whoa. Where am I?"

Gandalf waved his hand in Luke's direction. "For example, you two may have lost your fathers in tragic, but at least your father didn't cut off your hand and try to kill you because you wouldn't come to the Dark Side!"

Gwaine grinned. "I'd go to the Dark Side," he informed anyone who would listen. "They have ale, I'm told." Arthur threw Excalispider at him and Gwaine laughed drunkenly.

Hermione scoffed. "Everyone knows the Dark Side doesn't have ale, Gwaine," she said in her classic know-it-all voice. Sniffing disdainfully, she corrected, "They have cookies."

Gwaine chortled. "That'll work."

Luke's lower lip trembled. "Gee, thanks, Mr. Magic. I really needed that memory brought up now."

Gandalf ignored him and sent him away with a flick of his wrist. He snapped again and some guy with a beard and frilly clothing appeared. Arthur laughed at his terrible attire. "Who the heck is that?"

The man opened his mouth to speak but Gandalf beat him to it. "This is Hamlet. His father was murdered by his uncle who then married his wife. The girl he loved killed herself and her brother blamed Hamlet for her death and challenged him. They both died in the duel, along with Hamlet's mother."

Hamlet paled. "What?" he wailed. "I'm going to die?"

Gandalf grimaced. "Er… sorry, Hamlet." He flicked his wrist and Hamlet was gone.

"Okay, I'm not sure what this is all about –" Harry begun but Gandalf shushed him and everyone watched as he conjured yet another character to the graveyard. This one was strange and short – not human, definitely some kind of monster – and was furry and red, with a round nose and big expressive eyes.

"Elmo?" someone blurted. "Why did you bring Elmo from Sesame Street?" It was Dudley/Gilli who said this (almost positive it was Dudley because Gilli never had a chance to watch the show, considering how he grew up in medieval times and all).

"Elmo has lost something very dear to him as well," Gandalf informed them gravely.

Elmo nodded, sniffling cutely. "Elmo lost his crayon!" the red monster cried and Gandalf sent him away. Merlin blinked and exchanged a confused look with Harry. Gandalf wiped a tear from his eye and Gwen blew her nose. Even Arthur looked emotional after that last testimony.

"There is one more thing you need to see," Gandalf said. He waved his hand and suddenly Edward Cullen had appeared in the middle of the graveyard and everyone had to hide their eyes because he sparkled so brightly.

Arthur sneered. "What? Are you going to tell them that it could be worse, that they could be in love with a girl that smells like their favorite food?"

"Or that we could have to be doomed to suck the blood of beasts for eternity?" Harry added.

"Or that we could be soul-less?" Merlin suggested.

Gandalf held up a hand and silenced everyone while Edward stood there sparkling. "No," Gandalf sighed. "However, you should count yourselves lucky because you could be a disco ball with feet."

Everyone looked at Edward, who was shining brightly. His topaz eyes watered. "Hurtful!" he moaned but Gandalf just sent him away. Everyone sighed in relief.

Harry nodded and Merlin acknowledged, "You have a point."

"But we still want to know who wins," Harry tagged on quickly.

Gandalf sighed. "Have you learned nothing?"

"If I say yes, will you make me the winner?" Harry asked.

"No."

"Oh."

There was silence and then Gandalf spoke up. "The winner," he announced, "is…" (Lee Jordan played the drums on Arthur's helmet, which was on his head, which made Arthur growl.) "… MERLIN!"

Harry's mouth dropped open. "How? What? B-b-but…"

Gandalf shrugged. "Sorry, boy. But while you've experienced true horrors in your past, and, yes, lots of angst and loss, Merlin is still feeling it. You're free, Harry, Voldemort –"

"—don't say the name!" Ron squawked.

"—is dead, and you don't have to hide anymore. But Merlin does. Every day, he has to hide his magic from Uther. Plus, almost everyone he loves has died in his arms. Your family didn't die in your arms, although it is still just as traumatic. But if it makes you feel any better, both of your lives stink on ice." He grimaced. "Plus, there was one clinching factor in deciding whose life is the worst and it contributed to my final decision just about five minutes ago."

"What's that?" Merlin asked, who was trying to figure out how he felt after discovering that his life was the crappiest.

"Him." Gandalf pointed at the crowd and Merlin gasped. Standing there, having witnessed who knows how much of the display, was Uther (no one had noticed him before because he is secretly a ninja and because he had just gotten here five minutes ago). A vein in his ear twitched. Gandalf smiled. "Well, it's been fun, but I've got some shampoo to deliver to an elf, an enraged dwarf to calm down, and some monsters to kill. Bye now." He disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Merlin looked around at the crowd, then at Uther, then at Harry, who winced sympathetically as he scooted away. "Well, congrats, mate," he said, rushing away. "Looks like your life sucks. Good luck with that!"

Merlin grumbled and sneaked a look at Uther – gasping. Lee Jordan and George Weasley had apparently offered him a Ton-Tongue Taffy and his tongue was snaking out of his mouth, at least four feet long already. Arthur was kissing Gwen and hadn't noticed. Uther coughed and strangled on his tongue and Merlin flopped his head down on the table.

Great. Just… great.

A/N: Hope you Harry-voters weren't too disappointed by the turnout… I think they're about equal, honestly, but I just thought the whole Uther being there sealed the deal for poor Merlin. Thanks to EVERYONE who has reviewed and please review this one! :) This has been a real blast!

~Emachinescat ^..^