Response to the "Mikey Bad Ass Fic" challenge on Stealthy Stories, which I certainly agree with. Thanks to BlowMyHeartUp and Connie Nervegas for story help. The songs are copyright to their owners.

"He had eyes like a bloated monster!"

"Dude, I swear he looked like a giant forest walrus."

April had to snicker at the teens, covering her mouth and coughing. The police officer, exhausted from a long workday and aggravated at the zany story, shot April a fiery glance before turning his attention back to the teens. "Boys, let's skip the wild tales and hop your happy butts in the back of the patrol car. The next time you decide to break and enter, don't call the police to rescue you from a damn … forest walrus, whatever the hell that is."

"Let me start it over! We'll get it right, man!" The shorter teen shouted, wiggling and huffing. "I got rights, man! I need to go home and feed my lizard!"

The taller boy's light bulb broke. "Hey! That's what it looked like, dude! A stupid lizard or a giant dinosaur! Jurassic Park had nothing on this monster!"

The police officer looked like he wanted to smack the juveniles with his clipboard. He signaled for his partner to haul the loudmouths out the front door. "I'm sorry for the disturbance, Miss O'Neil. At least you got a laugh out of this, I see."

"I'm sorry," she said mid-giggle and took a big sigh to calm her disposition. "Have fun on the way to the station."

"I hate these Purple Llamas or whatever they call themselves," he grumbled as soon as the boys were out of earshot. "They never hire any geniuses to work for them. Only wannabes with bad hair and a knack for storytelling." He nodded at April. "Call us if you need us then."

She watched the luminous blue and red lights disappear into the night. April had no reason to smile: her living room and kitchen were dead zones, but she found the circumstances were quite humorous. One lamp still flickered in her living room and it cast a muddy glow across the mess. She stood by her window, with a cheeky grin, and called to someone in the darkness. "Which one of you destroyed my apartment and scared the willies out of those teens? Since you're here, you might as well help me clean up."

The offender didn't step forward, but she heard a cat's small mew. Her cheeky grin grew wider across her face. "Tell me the story then. I'm interested in this one."

Klunk was a special Christmas kitty and quickly became the best furry companion a mutant turtle could ever want. At one point, it was teased that Klunk should be the official 'fifth turtle' and branded a weapon.

"Kitty litter. Imagine the possibilities."

"The sharp-ass can tops off the cat food. I thought about using that instead of my sais."

"Squeaky toys! He could distract the bad guys with them!"

"I could make a jet pack for him and that would be a huge distraction: the Feline Missile."

Exactly one year later, Klunk found a sweet little girl in the alleyway who was calling for her brother. Her cheeks were incredibly rosy and her golden curls were squeezing out of her winter cap. She looked down at Klunk with puffy, doleful blue-green eyes. "Hi, kitty. I'm looking for my brother, Sammy. Have you seen him?"

Klunk flicked his tail.

She sniffled and looked around one more time. "Are you homeless? Are you hungry?"

The orange kitty purred and rubbed against the little girl's leg. It was in no time that Klunk found himself in her arms and carried off to a new home. The place had peculiar new smells, and it frightened the young cat. He tried to find a way to escape, but she lovingly scooped him up and cried into his fur, begging him not to leave her like Sammy did. When she fed him a huge cereal bowl full of cat food, he obliged to her requests and quickly adapted to the new environment.

The morning dipped into the afternoon before Mikey realized that he hadn't seen his cat on their special day. He had plans to visit the park, make snow angels, and breathed onto the toy store's window. The newest toy this year was the Galactic Beefblock with his mechanical wings and dramatic talks of saving the universe and preserving fossil fuels for generations to come. Rumor had it that there was a secret message about bailing out big business and if Spongebob was going to run for president. Mikey had enough money this year to buy it, and he needed a present for Leo. He thought Galactic's big talk would suit his leader brother's taste.

While Raphael, Donatello, and Splinter were playing a Monster Master card game and betting with popcorn, old batteries, and candy canes, Mikey slipped out of the sewer and headed for the skylight. New York City was massive and finding Klunk was going to be tricky, but if anybody could do it, the Battle Nexus Champion was the best person for the journey. He made sure to play loud rock music on his TurtlePod as he tucked in his massive parka and chewed on homemade beef jerky.

The snappy winter air irritated his eyes and made his teeth rattle on the beef jerky, but he pressed onwards in the polar snow. Mikey wasn't able to finish the beef jerky and tossed it into the trash without looking in its direction. He called out for Klunk in the alleyways during 'Every Rose has its Thorn', belting out lyrics and being smug as people warily glanced at him on the sidewalk.

Mikey passed through an intersection around a dilapidated part of the block, and his singing alerted the attention of a couple of teenage thugs in rugged black and lavender attire and lopsided mohawks. Even with the wind screaming in his ears, Mikey knew the troublemakers were following him but he was unimpressed by their flimsy arms and skull earrings.

Fifteen minutes later, he reached April's neighborhood and stopped at the corner. His blue eyes fell over the landscape and sturdy buildings. This was the last and furthest place that Klunk usually frequented. If he wasn't around April's apartment, somebody nabbed him.

Nobody was going to steal his best friend away from him. Not on their special day.

Turning down the music volume, he searched around April's apartment complex, calling for Klunk and promising to give the cat lots of beef jerky and any squeaky toy his feline heart desired.

"If you're super good, we'll watch 'Garfield' and eat Raph's leftover steak tips."

Just when he finished his sentence, the intro to 'Rock You like a Hurricane' began on his music pod and he looked up to the next building and saw Klunk sitting in a window, flicking his tail and then pressing his muzzle against the glass. Meowing and being incredibly cute as always.

Thinking wasn't involved, and Mikey climbed up the wall and opened the window. "Klunk!" he whispered and tickled the cat's chin. "Buddy, let's go home."

"Carrot!" a little girl's voice squealed. "Don't take my Carrot!"

"Sorry, miss, but he belongs to me!"

"I found him! He wanted to come home with me! Don't take him! He's all I have!"

Mikey peered into her sorrowful blue eyes, sighed, and quipped, "Go to the adoption place then. Find you another Carrot. This is my Klunk, dammit!"

He yanked his pet out of the window and turned to leap down, but during the second chorus, the thug teens were on the ground, glaring at him through their pimpled faces.

"That's my sister's cat, asshole! You better put it back or I'm gonna fuck you up!" the shorter one cried, even shook his fist. Mikey hung off a pipe and snorted at the spectacle.

"You want this cat? Fight me, dumbasses. I'm a galaxy champion, just so you know and won't whine about me laying the smack down on your ugly mugs. Who does your hair?"

"Screw you, Spiderman!" wailed the taller teen and the one with the more lopsided mohawk and caked-up nose. "My mother is a bitchin' salon person!"

Mikey decided to take the higher road and avoid any Momma jokes. Too easy. Besides, the song was reaching a good climax. It was just in time too because the teens were slinging rocks at him, and one struck Klunk on the head. Mikey pushed his body off the building and onto the next one, just a few feet away and was thankfully right next to April's window. She was gone to work and it was a good opportunity to torture the fools.

"Come inside, you punks. Last one in will get the best ass-whopping!" Mikey whisked inside and hid Klunk in a closet with a bowl of food and water that he had time to grab while the punks were trying to climb the wall. Mikey allowed them enough time to fumble in, stand, and continue their wimpy threats.

"I can hear my sister crying over there, man! You gonna let a little girl cry like that? What kind of sick freak are you?"

"Hook, I'll handle him! I'm taller and I know karate!" Taller Teen cracked his knuckles, scrunched up his face, and bellowed a yell as he charged for Mikey.

Sam, the shorter one, gasped and tried to stop his friend. "Slank! You butt-munch! Don't go actin' like Chuck Norris -"

As soon as he was inches away from Mikey, Slank's body whistled through the air and knocked over everything on his way to the ground. Slank mumbled from an awkward position, "But I've seen every Walker Texas Ranger episode, man."

"Being taller doesn't mean squat, pal, or watching some stupid show," snapped Mikey as he stood up straight and faced Sam, the 'Hook'. "I don't get to have a lot of things in my life, but Klunk is my best friend and he found me on this day a year ago. Triceratons, Foot Ninjas, Mousers, and the Purple Dragons – you've taken so much from my family. Fuck you if you think you're going to take anything else away from me!"

Sam saw the heat churning in Mikey's eyes, and the eyes that were once light blue were now threatening with streaks of determination and aggressiveness. Knowing what was good for him, Sam the Hook took a few quiet steps back to the window, but an orange blot whirled around the curtains, screeching and shredding the fabric.

"Hook! Get away from the cat! You'll die, man!"

While Klunk hissed and growled, Sam screamed and his hands shook around his face. Mikey laughed so hard that he almost didn't notice Slank sneaking behind him.

"Don't laugh at him! He's allergic to cats, dipshit!" Slank cried, but Mikey propelled Slank in the opposite direction of the room, still laughing at the predicament and at Klunk's heroic adventure. Slank wasn't down for the count, and he grabbed a printer, hurdling it Mikey's way. Mikey leaped high in the air and kicked it across the room. It shattered on the kitchen's countertop and Mikey's feet lightly touched the ground as the printer's pieces sprinkle on the kitchen floor.

'Rock You Like a Hurricane' was ending, and Mikey was getting bored. He upgraded up the surprise factor and ripped off the parka to reveal himself.

"Hook! Dammit! Quit screaming and look! It's a monster!" Slank howled and scooted to the window, flopping on the floor and wincing at his injuries. "We gotta get the fuck out of here!"

Sam took one look at Mikey and whimpered, "Is he going to eat us, man? I can't do this, man! I can't decide to face him or the cat!"

"Go! Go!" Slank pushed Sam halfway out the window and they both tried to scramble away.

Mikey grabbed both of the wigglerats and rumbled in a deep voice, "I like my punk meat rare."

Sam and Slank screamed and cried for their lives as Mikey shut the window. On the other side of the chaos, Sam's little sister had seen the spectacle from her window and shouted, "Sammy! You better whoop him and get my cat back!"

April couldn't stop laughing about the story. Mikey still hadn't appeared from the darkness, but Klunk had emerged and was preening himself on the couch. "Well, you didn't eat them so it's a happy ending. I wish you didn't lead them here, and you're in charge of getting me a new printer and Chinese vase."

She smirked at him, and Mikey chuckled as he stepped into the lamp's glow. "Sorry about that."

"Oh!" she squeaked, "You're wearing the shirt I got you!"

He grinned and tugged at it. "I'm glad the punks didn't tear it up. I love these little thrift store shirts."

April read the shirt loudly, "Portman Family Reunion 1998." She cackled and petted Klunk. "Both of you were fine heroes today. Nobody messes with Mikey's cat, right?" She bent down to muzzle Klunk's furry face.

"Damn straight."