Hai guys! This is a one-shot...a pretty long one. LOL. If you've read my other story (which I deleted), More Than 100 Ways to Kill Dylan (you can find the new & improved version co-authored by FangIsFexcellent and I, on Fex's profile), you'll recognize this story.

Heh. I just had to put it up. :D WARNING: the following story will be (1) ridiculous, (2) stupid, (3) absurd, (4) extremely random, (5) vicious towards Dylan in extreme ways, (6) strange, and (7) hilarious (hopefully). So please, read and review, and enjoy!

When he was young, Dylan always liked listening to the stories his mother liked to read to him. Dylan listened to all sorts of amazing stories, but his absolute favorite was "Hey Diddle Diddle". And his favorite character in "Hey Diddle Diddle" was the cow that jumped over the moon, whom he named Bessie. He'd always look at the moon and try to find Bessie, and got depressed and suicidal when he realized that Bessie would never show her face to him because he was too ugly (or as his mother told him). One night, he made his momo read it seven hundred and sixty-two times before he fell asleep. That night, his mother fell asleep and never woke up again. Dylan only started laughing, which made his father incredibly angry. His father almost killed him, but then decided to put him in a mental institute.

Dylan grew up in the mental institute. He made many, many friends there because he blended in so well. Although scientists at the School couldn't find any problems in his DNA, he was still loved by all his mental best friends. One day, he turned 15, so he decided to venture out to the house of the girl he had been stalking on Facebook since he was four and a half. Her name was Max Martinez, and she had the sexiest hair in the universe.

However, as he was flying to her house (he discovered that he could fly the day before), he looked up at the sky and realized that it was time to find his one true love...

Bessie.

"BESSIE! I'M COMING FOR YOU!" Dylan screamed, and flew straight up towards the sky. However, he bumped into a blonde, whom he recognized immediately as the sexy beast, Max Martinez. She had flowing blonde hair down to her chest, and the most beautiful eyes in history.

He wanted her.

"Are you Max Martinez?" he asked in the most handsome voice he could manage (which was an extremely high squeak).

"Are you that creep who's been stalking me on Facebook? You know, I've blocked you from everything."

"No wonder I can't see anything!" Dylan yelled, slapping his knees in disgust. "Why did you block me? We need to get to know each other before we go out."

"Go OUT? I don't even KNOW you!" Max bellowed, and slapped him so hard, his cheek half-disintigrated.

"What the...? What are you doing out here in the moonlight, anyways? Shouldn't you be in bed, little girl?" he taunted.

"Shouldn't you shut the hell up?" Max asked calmly. "And I'm meeting my friend, Katniss."

"Katniss Everdeen? That ruthless killer who got picked for the Hunger Games and won, a couple years ago?"

"Yeah. Mom doesn't like her much, but I only befriended her to learn how to kill brainless creepers like you."

"Oh, I see. Mind showing off your 'skills'?" Dylan made air quotes as he said the work "skills", which made Max overflow with anger.

"I'll make brain spew out your eyes," she snarled, took an arrow, strung her bow - BULLSEYE. She had hit Dylan's weakest spot.

"OWIE, OWIE, OWIE!" he screamed, eyes eyes shut tight. "Take the arrow out! NOW!"

"No," Max snorted, and left him to meet a tall girl with brown hair tied in a braid.

"Hey, Katniss," Dylan heard her say, to which the girl gave a brief reply.

"Did you bring anyone else?" Max inquired.

"No," Katniss said hesitantly, and then continued. "Well, yes, actually. I brought my boyfriend Peeta. I didn't bring Gale because I'm mad at him...he's dating someone new. Her name's Chloe. (Teehee :3) I don't like her, and I get the feeling that she wants to rip my hair off of my head. I also bought this strange man I met on the side of the road. He claims his name is Artemis Fowl. And then I also brought Percy Jackson and his girlfriend. And Medusa. Ooh and Harry Potter and his best friend Voldemort came, too. They just appeared - *cough* - apparated here on the side of the road as I was walking by. Darth Vader decided to come too, as did Snape. So did this guy named Patch, who claims he's a fallen angel. I don't think I believe him, though...I don't know. Anyways, I also have Jace, this guy, who claimed that he'd defeated some holiday - Christmas, or Fourth of July, or Valentine - I'm not sure. There's this strange-looking girl who showed up. She insists that she could kill all of us with her hands tied up behind her back...yeah, right. She has two different-colored eyes and says her name's Katsa, which is so not cool, considering she stole the first three letters of my name. Anyways, she has this guy with her...what's his name? Po. Very weird name, but he's kinda hot. Don't tell Peeta I said that. The last one who came is a guy who says that if I don't do what he says, he could use compulsion on me. What's his name? Umm...Oh, right. Adrian. Again, don't tell Peeta, but I thihk he's really hot. And I think that's pretty much it."

"And you said no, at the beginning," Max smirked. "Are they all going to train with us tonight?"

"Yeah, but we need a target. Someone who won't die easily, yet a lame, stupid airhead who mistakes cars for giraffes."

"I have someone," Max smiled maliciously, and Dylan immediately knew that he was in trouble.

"No, no, not me," he said breezily, walking up to them.

"And who...are you?" Katniss breathed. Dylan could swear she was drooling.

"Our target," Max said simply.

"Okay!" Katniss giggled happily, while Dylan looked around in an attempt to escape.

"Don't...even...think about it," Max hissed through clenched teeth, digging her fingernails into Dylan's arm to keep him from fleeing. As he fervently tried to use his brain, he looked up at the sky and saw Bessie, and hope came into his eyes. Then Bessie was blocked by a...broomstick. With two men on it - wait - three men. He guessed these people were Harry Potter, Snape, and Voldemort.

Soon, the others started to appear - Percy and Annabeth with their swords and sheilds, Peeta with his knife, Artemis Fowl with his arrogant face and muscular body, Medusa with her many-snake hair, Patch with his...well, Patch wasn't carrying anything, Darth Vader with his Halloween costume, Jace with a broken mirror, Katsa and Po with bows and arrows and knives, and Adrian with his gun.

Everyone in the group introduced himself or herself, and followed Katniss into a clearing where they tied a struggling Dylan to a stake in the middle of the area. "Have fun," Katniss called out. "Use whatever way of attack you want! Just kill him by the end!"

"Okay!" the group shouted, and lined up. Dylan gulped in horror, and winced as the first person came up.

Voldemort.

"AVARA KEDAVRA," he screamed, and a green light flashed from his wand. Dylan felt everything go black. Then suddenly, he was up again, next to Harry, who had a stone in his hand.

"Idiot," he told Voldemort. "You have to let the rest of us practice on him, before he dies! Thank God for the Resurrection Stone!"

Rolling his eyes, Voldemort walked to the back of the line. Now Harry stood in his place, aiming the wand at Dylan, who was shaking his fright, and constantly muttering strange words under his breath.

"Are you speaking...snake?" Dylan said snottily. "I don't talk to animals."

Harry growled in rage. "CRUCIO!"

"AAAHHHH!" Dylan squirmed and writhed in pain. An overly burning and stinging sensation went from his head to his toe, and he screamed and flailed his arms and legs. The whole crowd was laughing, and Harry was smirking. "Serves the little insect right."

"Expelliarmus!" He snapped. "Stupefy! Incendio! FURNUNCLUS!"

Finally, the pain slowly left Dylan, and he coughed and slumped over. "Please...no...more. Practice...on...Fang. House...next...door," he gasped out.

"SHUT UP!" Max shouted, and slapped him so hard, his cheek really did disintigrate this time.

"All right, we don't have all the time in the world. Next!" Katniss ordered.

Percy Jackson walked over to Dylan. "Hey, kid. Ready to die?"

"I'm ready," Harry Potter sighed, standing close by with the stone.

Dylan just stared at him, frozen. He couldn't get himself to move. How many times would he have to die?

"I take that as a yes. DIE!" he yelled, and stabbed at him with his sword, over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again until Dylan just couldn't take it anymore and felt the same odd blackness envelop him again. And then a minute later Harry was at his side with the stone.

"Next!" Katniss said.

Annabeth stepped up with her sword. "I won't go as far as Percy," she told him softly. "I'll just stab you once in the heart. And then a couple hundred more times in the rest of your body. It'll be quick, I promise. DIE!" She blocked Dylan's pathetic attempt to punch her with her shield, and the lashing began. Again Dylan died, and was brought to life again by Harry.

"Next!" Katniss said.

"What rune should I draw on him?" Jace asked Katniss as he stepped up to the platform. "I'll make a new one. Death by rabid squirrel." He jerked Dylan's arm to him, and began savagely scratching at his arm. Dylan winced and cried out, and then realized that Jace hadn't touched him yet.

He rolled his eyes and started...drawing? By the end of his picture, Dylan was laughing.

"What, you can't kill me, yet you draw on me to spend time? Good heavens - " At that moment, he exploded and the last thing he saw before he saw black was the sharp teeth of a rabid animal.

Five minutes later he was woken back up by Harry, sighing in distaste.

"Next!" Katniss said. "Patch, do you want to try?"

"Let me try my punches," he replied, and Dylan smirked again. After getting stabbed 347 times, he wouldn't even feel any stupid punches.

He was wrong.

"OWIE!" Dylan cried. "OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!" Patch's punches made him feel genuinely suicidal. His fist pummeled Dylan until Dylan was red in the face, and breathing heavily. His back went crooked and his body gave way to the ground. Katniss just hoisted him back up and retied him to the stake.

"Next!" she called. "Peeta, wanna go? You and...Po...can try together. He'll kick while you stab from behind."

Peeta agreed to do this, and he and Po stood up and spend sixty seconds checking out Dylan. They looked him up and down, decided he was no better than a plush snake, and started beating him up.

Dylan didn't die, but he'd fainted by now. Annabeth came by with some ambrosia nectar, which brought back 50% of that strength. Annabeth seems nice, he thought. Maybe I can steal him from Percy sometime.

But at that time, Angel had come down and was talking to Percy. She picked up Dylan's thoughts and told Percy what he had said.

"Katniss?" Percy yelled. "I WANT TO GO AGAIN. RIGHT NOW."

"Maybe at the end, hon," Katniss said. "Let the others go first."

"I'll go," Katsa said. She stood up, and whipped out her bow and arrow. With extreme speed and accuracy, she planted 932587326587235 arrows in Dylan, and he felt holes everywhere. Katniss gave him a glass of water to drink, and the crowd laughed as water sprayed out of his skin. He was a sprinkler.

Medusa slapped him with her snake hair, and Darth Vader simply poked him, making Dylan scream out in pain. Snape used "Sectumsempra" to make Dylan writhe in pain once again, and he fell to the ground in exhaustion and sorrow.

"Are we hurting him too much?" Katniss asked, concerned. "I don't like this..."

"But you said we could kill him," Max whined.

"At least let him die a peaceful death!" Katniss exclaimed.

Dylan took the last of his energy and spluttered out, "I'll die after Fang does. And I'll be sure to kill him with my own two hands. Don't worry, he'll be in ten times worse pain than I'm in, right now! It'll serve you right, Max!"

Max's mouth fell open and she stared at Dylan in absolute disgust and hatred. "I'll get him for that, sweet princess," Artemis Fowl snapped, stepping up to the platform. He winked at Max, and Max rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to use him as a punchbag," he informed Katniss, who shrugged.

"Go right ahead," Max snarled. "Just make it hurt."

"Anything for you, princess," he gave her a sick smile and started punching. Dylan decided that his punches were even worse than Patch's. Every single punch knocked the breath out of him, and as he tried to get up and collect himself, he got punched again. And again. And again. Dylan realized that he was going to have to beg for mercy.

At the very end, Adrian walked up to stage. He focused intently on Dylan, and Dylan felt himself growing light-headed under his gaze.

"Kill yourself."

Well, why not? Dylan had always wanted to see what dying feels like, real death...like, actually going to Heaven. He slowly reached for the gun that Adrian handed him, aimed it towards himself, and shot. A stinging sensation seared through him, and he saw black.

When Dylan got back to the real world, Harry wasn't next to him even though the stone was lying on the ground. He was up slapping Adrian on the back, and everyone was gathered around the dark-haired boy, telling him how "cool" he was.

We'll see about that, Dylan thought with envy. No one had ever told him he was cool. Well, he would show them. He would find Bessie, and show them that he was cooler than all of them combined. BURN.

So he picked up the resurrection stone and chewed it until he felt his full energy blast through his guts. He picked up Adrian's gun and shot through the ropes, scaring the crowd around Adrian. He flew up majestically into the sky, screaming "BESSIE, BESSIE!" in a crazed voice.

"Who's Bessie?" Medusa asked, confused. No one could answer her.

Dylan flew and flew, slowly losing his breath because of the increasing air pressure. He was getting closer and closer to the moon, and he could see the holes in its green-cheesy body. Now Dylan knew what Bessie had been eating her whole life.

Suddenly, he couldn't breathe. He waved his arms and kicked out with his legs and realized that he'd passed the last layer of Earth. He was in outer space. Too quickly, an asteroid came tumbling towards him and hit him and tore his wings. It hurt worse than Patch's and Artemis's punches combined, but he was more worried about the freefall that lay ahead of him. Because he had been flying in a straight line, it would mean that he'd fall back into the clearing in the forest on soft grass. Dylan sighed in relief.

Little did he know that Darth Vader had planted a giant pitchfork in the middle of the clearing.

Dylan fell, and fell, and fell through the clouds and the skies and he saw an airplane view of the cities as he fell. It was beautiful. And then he saw three prongs sticking elegantly out of the grass, right where he was about to fall.

That was the end of Dylan.

Bahaha hope you liked! Please, please review & stuff!

TWO MORE DAYS! Arent'cha exciteeed? JP had better not screw it up.

xoxo