Author's note: Okay, this is just a one shot but… I really wanted to do it! Just a little bit a humor with my OT3 (I just learned that term, isn't it great?) I really want to do a sequel with these guys exploring their relationship more…but I'm tied up with my other fic right now and haven't thought of any ideas for a multichapter fic regarding them yet. I hope this oneshot is good for now though…there may be more of them to come C:
Note: The events in this fic take place after my fic Two for the Price of One, reading at least the last chapter of that will help with the understanding of this, but it may make sense on its own…
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Huzzah!
"Milashka, have you slept with Toris?" Ivan asked calmly. America almost spewed the milk he was drinking across the table. Nice breakfast talk, Ivan.
"Uh…not recently?" Alfred answered after sputtering a bit.
"Oh I know that…I was just wondering…"
Alfred gave him a strange look before trying to take a pancake off the plate in the middle of the table. "Alfie! Wait until I'm finished…" Matthew chastised from within the kitchen.
"How did you—" Alfred wondered, before turning back to Ivan. "Never mind… Yeah, Toris and I slept together once or twice when he lived with me… You're not mad are you?" he asked Ivan sheepishly. After all, Toris was Ivan's ex at the time…
"Nyet. Did he top you?"
Alfred really should have given up drinking milk during this conversation.
"What?" he exclaimed. "No!"
"Good. I was pretty sure it was not him…" Ivan said with an eerie smile. "I would not have been pleased to know that he beat me…"
"What's that's supposed to mean?" Alfred asked.
"Of course Lithuania wouldn't have it in him to top someone…especially you…"
"What are you talking about…?"
"I want to know who beat me to it!" Ivan explained, looking kind of miffed.
"To what? You can't have possibly assumed I was a virgin before we—"
"Nyet, not that… Let me explain, Milashka…" Because God knows he wouldn't figure it out on his own… "I am convinced that there is a very exclusive list of those who have topped you…"
"Really, Ivan? You're concerned about that…?" Alfred chuckled nervously.
"There's me…" Ivan continued, ignoring his lover.
"And me!" Matthew added, bringing the rest of the pancakes to the table. Alfred, despite the uncomfortable conversation, started to grab as many pancakes as he could. "Alfred! Bad boy! Slow down!" Matthew growled, swatting at his brother's hands.
"…and then there's the mystery partner…or partners…" Ivan concluded, a dangerous look on his face. "They beat me to what is rightfully mine…"
The last statement either flew over Alfred's head, or he wasn't freaked out by it. "Jeez, what gives? Why do you care who was the first person to top me?" Alfred sighed. "Also, it's partner…as in singular…"
"I was actually wondering who did it too…" Matthew said quietly.
"What! Why?" Alfred gasped, his face turning red. His brother just shrugged in response.
"Honestly, I didn't think you would let anyone…" Matthew responded. "So…who was it?"
"I really don't think it matters…"
"Come on Alfie! Relationships are based on honesty, remember?" Matt said, trying to convince him.
"I don't know…"
"Da, let's play a game then…" Ivan suggested. "If Matvey or I can guess your mystery partner, you will tell us if we guess right, da?"
"Sure, seems fair…I guess…"
"Alright…" Matthew said, putting a finger to his mouth as he spoke. "Was it…Japan? You've slept with Japan right?"
"No!" Alfred laughed. "Well I mean…he hasn't topped me…but we've totally slept together…yeah…"
"Oh really, Milashka…" Ivan chuckled. "Is he as kinky as they say he is…?"
"…yes…"
"Matvey, remind me later to visit Japan… I have the sudden urge to speak with him…"
"Oh God no!" Alfred complained.
"What about Spain?" Matthew asked.
"What!" Alfred almost choked again, although nothing was actually in his mouth. "No…no…no…why would you think I got it on with Spain? Does it look like I want Romano to kill me?"
"I mean, he did settle Florida first…"
"Seriously…? No, I haven't even had sex with Spain, let alone been topped by him…"
"Okay…Mexico?" Matthew was kind of doing all the guessing here.
"Mattie…she's a girl…"
"Yeah…but she could've…"
"Yeah, but she didn't."
"Enough!" Ivan said loudly. "Give us a time period, Alfred!"
"What! No, that's cheating!" Alfred pouted.
"Come on, Alfie! It's too hard!" Matthew whined, attempting to look at his brother with puppy-dog-eyes.
"Fine," Alfred huffed, annoyed. "It was during the Revolutionary War…"
"Nyet! Please say it wasn't England!" Russia gasped angrily.
"…or France…" Matthew whimpered.
"Oh no! Oh fuck no! No! Gross! NO!" Alfred yelped. "NO! NO! NO! Ew…ew…ew… really? REALLY? France wasn't even around; he just sent troops…something about being too busy…and England…ENGLAND?" Alfred shuddered, looking pale. "I still called him Dad then…" he moaned pitifully.
"Who could it be then?" Matthew whined. "Did you lie to us, Alfie?"
"No, you've guessed wrong every time…" Matthew looked unconvinced, but Ivan appeared ready to murder someone, realization shining in his eyes.
"Tell me Milashka…was your time with this man…your first…ever…?" Ivan asked dangerously.
"I kind of have the feeling I shouldn't tell you this but…maybe…" Alfred said, blushing. "Don't be upset…he taught me a lot of stuff…trained me well you know? Taught me to be…"
Oh Alfred, please don't say it…
"Awesome…" At this, Ivan stood up, a black aura fanning out from his body.
"Eto prusskoĭ ublyudok!" he yelled, stomping up the stairs.
"Alfie!" Matthew whined. "Now we won't get any after breakfast sexy time! Why'd you have to make him mad?"
"Me?" Alfred yelped. "You two wanted to know! Jeez, I knew nothing good would come from this!" Just then, Ivan walked down the stairs with his pipe in his hands.
"Do not worry. I will be back in time for our sexy fun time…" he said, a dangerous look on his face. "I must pay a visit to Germany's basement… Be prepared by the time I get back…"
The North American brothers sat there for a moment after the door slammed shut, staring at each other.
"I'm uh…I'm going to call Germany and uh, tell him to hide Prussia…" Matthew mumbled, getting up to go the kitchen.
"Yeah…you…do that…" Alfred said.
And there we go! One shots are fun to write man! Anyway, I hope everyone liked it! If I think of more one shots with these three, I might add onto this... I love overprotective!Russia so much… Also, historical note: the Baron von Steuben was a Prussian man who trained American troops at Valley Forge…so in my mind…Prussia taught America how to fight…among other things ;)
Eto prusskoĭ ublyudok! = That Prussian bastard!
Thanks to Kenny's Space Cadet for betaing!
Thanks for reading and reviewing!