A/N: Dear Damon is a fictional column written by fans of Vampire Diaries and is in no way affiliated with The Vampire Diaries, CW, LJ Smith or Ian Somerhalder (sadly...) But if you're up for some laughs and some… interesting advice, join the fun! And remember, if you read, don't forget to review!

Disclaimer: Damon Salvatore is not responsible for any actions resulting from his advice columns. Furthermore, anyone leaving negative comments will be tracked down and either:

a) Turned into Damon's midnight snack

b) Compelled to adore and serve Damon Salvatore's every whim.

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Dear Damon,

I have this problem. Well, it's not really so much of a problem as a decision. A decision I've been struggling with, and I just don't know how to decide. See, there's this guy, he's totally sweet and romantic, and he just gets me. But there's this complication where my uh… lifestyle… could get him hurt, maybe even killed. I'm not sure I could handle that. But then there's this other guy. Tall, dark, and dangerous, and well, we kinda look out for each other, and we've been through a lot lately. I almost thought it might really work out with him, but well… there's this other complication. His uh… lifestyle… could quite possibly get me killed. It all sounds so ridiculous, but I just can't make up my mind! They're both just so yummy. Please tell me what I should do.

Kisses
Can't Actually Resolve Everything

Dear C.A.R.E.,

Firstly, this whole internet thing? So not my gig. I'd much rather just put the information into your head the old fashioned way by compelling you- but since you've decided to keep your identity a secret (which by the way- probably smart. I don't play well with others) I guess I'll have to use the preferred human method of communication.

Before I can dispense advice I feel I need to know what this dangerous and unmentionable lifestyle of yours is. Mafia? Prostitution? I can handle it. Hell, I've probably done it.

Now as far as the advice goes, there are some basic ground rules. In a kill or be killed world, it's always kill. But in this instance, your sugarpuff boy-toy sounds an awful lot like my brother and if there's one thing I know for sure- it's that dudes like that don't know the first thing about pleasing a woman. That being said, I'd go for a walk on the wild side.

Now whatever you do, don't listen to your heart. Trust me, that thing will screw you six ways to Sunday and make you want to 'do the right thing.'

I say, do what makes you feel good. If you need help figuring out what that is, you know how to get a hold of me.

Love,
Damon

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Dear Damon,
I can't stop thinking about you. Please get out of my head!

Sincerely,
Tormented in Toledo

Dear One Lucky Broad,

Alright lady, here's the deal. In my defense, I'd like to point out that 4 out of 10 times a woman thinks about me, it's of her own accord. Seriously- that's between you and your conscience, sister. However, if you are in the majority of women, then I've probably compelled you into one thing or another. If that's the case, and I'm in your head on my terms, then buckle up sugar, 'cause it's gonna be one helluva ride.

Love,
Damon

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Dear Damon,

My roommate thinks I'm obsessed with a TV franchise known as Stargate. She keeps threatening to take it away, or she uses it as leverage to make me get her Kool-Aid. She also thinks I'm too attached due to my recent run of reoccurring dreams where I travel through an ancient ring to do battle with alien races. How can I convince her that I'm not dependent on it and still not give it up at the same time?

Signed,
Chevron-1

Dear Chev-whatever,

You remind me of some over-geeked version of my brother. It's creepy. Get a life, and don't drink the Kool-Aid.

Love,
Damon

P.S.- Sounds to me like a vamp has a hold on your dreams. Trust me, I know a thing or two about that. Mine usually take place in a bedroom, but we're getting off topic. (I'll email you personally about that if you're interested.)

Editors Note: If, like many before you, you would like to leave your fate in the hands of the handsome and capable vampire Damon Salvatore, you can leave your question as a review or refer to our profile page for Dear Damon's email address.