Don't ask me where the idea for this one came from. I don't know. :) What I do know is that I owe my lovely and talented beta, SkoleBone, for her literary contributions to this one shot...a line here and there, and the title...pure genius. Plus, I learned some really cool medical info. Score.

Hint: The italics not in quotes are the author speaking. In case that's not clear.

Enjoy!

The Digression in the Down and Dirty

Booth slid down Brennan's body, dropping soft kisses along her chest and abdomen as he moved lower. Stopping suddenly, he gazed up into her eyes adoringly. "You are the most beautiful creature…"

"Hey. Wait a minute."

Uh…Booth? You're kind of in the middle of something here. What are you doing?

"Look, I appreciate the fact that you've got me in bed with Bones, believe me…"

Then what? Quit interrupting and get to it!

"Okay, here's the thing…'most beautiful creature'? I would never say that in a million years."

Well, apparently you would because you just did.

"Only because you wrote me saying it! C'mon, be a sport. Keep me in character here."

Fine. You big baby.

Stopping suddenly, Booth gazed up into Brennan's eyes. "You are so fucking hot, Bones."

"Oh, for Pete's sake!"

Now what?

"I would never swear like that in bed!"

Sure you would. You're a red blooded alpha male; they use dirty language during sex. You just can't on television because of the censors. In fan fiction I can have you saying anything I want. Watch…

Booth looked deeply into Brennan's eyes. "I would love to put little mini pepperonis all over your body and nibble them off one by one."

Brennan's eyes widened in confusion. "Uh..Booth?"

"Okay, fine. You've made your point. But can I just request that I don't sound so ridiculously sappy? That's all I'm askin'."

Alright. Fine. But don't interrupt me again.

"Deal."

Booth moved down to the juncture of Brennan's legs, placing tiny kisses along her inner thighs and reveling in her small gasps and moans. "God, you're beautiful."

Brennan hummed in satisfaction as Booth lightly grazed her sex with his tongue, using his thumbs to part her lips and center his attentions on her now throbbing clit. "So delicious…" He mumbled, diving back in with a smile.

"Have you ever noticed that I go down on Bones a lot in these stories?"

Oh for God's sake! Now you're complaining that we portray you as a giving, attentive lover?

"Nooo…not at all. It was just an observation. Carry on."

Booth continued his slow ministrations, wrapping his lips around her clit and humming.

Brennan sat up again, eyebrows raised. "Booth? Are you…humming a Carpenters song?"

"Close To You? Really?"

I told you to quit interrupting me.

"You're a little evil."

I really am. You would do well to remember that.

"Can't you just let me finish pleasuring the woman I love without messing with me?"

Ha! I knew you were in love with Brennan!

"Of course I am. Anyone who believes otherwise is crazy. Or British."

Hey, you don't have to convince me. I'm on your side, babe.

"Did you just call me 'babe'?"

Sorry. Can't help it. You're kind of hot. It just slipped out.

"Eh, that's okay. You're not so bad yourself."

Back off, buddy. You couldn't handle me.

"Big talk for a woman who's only been with-"

You shut the hell up! Now get back to what you were doing there.

"Hey, I'm just doing what you tell me to do…"

Alright. No more humming cheesy love songs.

"Thanks."

Booth grabbed one of Brennan's legs and moved it over his shoulder, kissing back up her stomach and chest, pausing only when he reached her parted lips. Their tongues tangled as Booth reached between them and-

"Excuse me? Are you going to leave my leg like that?"

Oh God, not you, too! Come on, Brennan…can't you just work with me here?

"I am trying, but the scenario you are currently positing is giving me a forcibly contracted muscle in my thigh. It is very uncomfortable."

"See? You're giving her a charley horse!"

"No, Booth…not a horse. Why would she…what I mean is that she is giving me a cramp."

"That's what I said, Bones. A charley horse is another word for a cramp."

"It seems more efficient to just say cramp."

"Yeah, as opposed to 'forcibly contracted muscle', right?"

He's got you there, Bren.

"Could we just get back to the intercourse? I was enjoying it very much."

"Sure you were, you weren't the one with the forcibly contracted muscle in your mouth."

"You know, considering the fellatio you enjoyed yesterday in your office, I think a little cunnilingus is a small price to pay."

She gave you a blow job at the Hoover and you're bitching about a little tongue cramp?

"You women seriously have no idea how hard it is to go down on a woman and be good at it! It's an art form!"

"And men don't seem to understand that our throats are not actually constructed to accommodate the length and girth of the average penis, but that never detracts you all from trying to thrust down there!"

"Hey! That's involuntary!"

Suuure, it is. And let's not even talk about how irritated you all get if we don't swallow.

"No kidding. They think we should be honored or something. I actually had one man try to convince me that semen was nutritionally advantageous."

Yeah, I think they've all tried that. It's like bullshitting us to get blow jobs is encoded in their DNA.

"Uh, ladies? Do you think we could table this discussion for later? Maybe, oh…I don't know, get back to the business at hand?"

Sorry, Booth. Alright, let's try this again.

Booth slid up Brennan's body, dropping hot, wet kisses along the way. Once he reached her lips, he kissed her deeply, sliding between her thighs and using the tip of his penis to stimulate her wet, throbbing clit.

"I actually have a question, if you don't mind."

Sure, whatever I can do to help, Brennan.

"Well, you write a lot of fan fiction, correct?"

Yes, I've written a story or two. Why?

"Well, I was wondering about contraception. I've noticed that when Booth and I have sex in your stories, we don't use protection. Is that a conscious choice on your part?"

"Seriously? We're going to talk about this now?"

Actually, Booth…that's a really good question. I'm happy to answer it. As a matter of fact, I gave the matter of contraception quite a bit of thought. In this day and age, it's very important, you know?

"That's very true; sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS and Chlamydia are quite prevalent nowadays."

This is fanfic, not a health promotion pamphlet, you're gonna mess with the flow of the story!...If you feel that strongly about it, the appropriate place to mention this is in your Author's Note...y'know, just after the obligatory and largely futile message to under-18's to click the back button on the browser?

"Who the Hell is that?"

*sighs* My beta, Skole...I bounce ideas off her, and she pressures me into making reference to 'beasts with two backs' and the '207th bone'...

"I find that quite amusing in the context of Booth's arousal...did you know that even though it is not a bone, technically a penis can be fractured?"

"Yowch! I'm technically gonna puke."

Yeah, I think I'm with Booth on that one. Anyway…to answer Brennan's question, I finally decided that, because this is fan fiction, the idea of whether or not Booth was wearing a raincoat or you were on the pill was better left to the reader's imagination. It's more fun that way.

"Excellent point. I imagine that talking about Booth trying to roll a prophylactic on his erect penis in the throes of passion would be awkward."

Very awkward. Who wants hot, sweaty wall sex interrupted with responsibility?

"Wall sex? Are you insane, woman? You have any idea how hard that is to pull off?"

I don't care, Booth. You will be having wall sex, count on it.

"Well, I'm lodging a formal complaint."

Fine. Complaint denied. You will be taking Brennan up against her apartment door in an unrestrained fit of passion sometime in the near future.

"That's really not fair."

Look, will it help if I gave you a huge penis?

"Yeah, I can roll with that."

Excellent. Now, was there anything else, Brennan?

"No, thank you so much. Anytime you're ready, we can continue."

"You know something? Suddenly, I'm not really in the mood anymore."

Booth looked down in horror as his already tiny penis began to shrink to the point that it appeared as though it was disappearing back into his body. Brennan shrieked in horror, pointing at his groin with wide, terrified eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Heh. You should know by now, Booth…don't mess with me.