Disclaimer: The Hetalia characters and series does not belong to me...I merely kidnap them temporarily.

" I wanna leave and I wanna stay. And I'm so confused, so hard to choose between the pleasure and the pain."

It was never supposed to happen like this.

They were supposed to be friends to the end, even if they fought on occasion...But this, it just wasn't right. Gilbert had finally returned from his Crusades, but he wasn't the same. Where once there had been a leather band with a smooth rock that was cool to the touch around his throat there was now a heavy metal cross. His shoulders slumped forward and he would jump at the tiniest sound, ruby eyes widening as if he expected someone to jump straight out of the bushes.

But there was something about Gilbert's behavior that disturbed her more than anything.

He had taken to carrying a heavy sword at his back. Even now as they relaxed by the usual creek; her leaning back against a tree and staring up into the clear midsummer sky and he dangling from the branches up above, it was still there. It was a glistening silver thing with a ruby as bright as his eyes set into the pommel, and it looked far too deadly for her tastes.

And this was not to say that Elizaveta wasn't a fighter, she'd beaten Gilbert on more than one occasion after all... it was just that there should be no place for a weapon here. It was too peaceful, too gentle to be ruined by the presence of such a thing. But as she stared up at the young man that no longer seemed so young, she couldn't begrudge him what it was he wanted. There was something different in him now, something she didn't want to disturb. Like he had seen things no human should ever be forced to see.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She spoke without realizing it, light voice very nearly mixing into the gently sound of the creek. Above her was the rustling of leaves as Gilbert jumped down from between the branches to land crouched down right beside her.

"There's nothing to talk about." His voice had deepened in his absence, it added a sharper edge to his tone that made her cringe from the center of her chest. She idly reached a hand out towards him, her brows drawing together and emerald eyes narrowing as she analyzed his features. It wasn't but a moment before he swatted her hand away with a look of the most extreme agitation. Maybe it was just the stress, or the heat...But it didn't mean that she enjoyed this new attitude of his.

In fact, it very nearly infuriated her. She missed her dear wild and careless friend from before. There was no way that she knew the man that stood before her now.

"I know when you're lying to me Gil." Her fists clenched automatically at her side even as she forced herself to sit up to better glare at him. It was to be expected that he returned her dark look, a grin even daring to creep across his face.

"You should also know that it's not any of your business."

"Just because you get to go off on daring adventures all across the country doesn't mean you can come back and act like a stuck up know it all!"

"It doesn't take any daring to do what I have to do Eliza!" He promptly stood up and turned his back to her, only giving the already angered girl more reason for her fury. There was that damn sword set in place, hovering like some ever-present weight over him. For a moment she merely sat there and glared. She had wanted to go off with them...Wanted to be a Knight too...But no, she was a woman, and not fit for such things.

Well she could have fooled them if it wasn't for Gilbert.

He always was ruining her fun, her chances at a real life. Well she wasn't about to sit around and do nothing while the rest of the world took arms against each other in this new fight for religion. And even if she was quite fond of her gods, she had to admit that this whole Christianity gig had her intrigued at the very least. She'd show that boy just how tough she was!

With a merciless grin set in place she forced herself silently into a crouch, grateful that she'd thought to tie her heavy dress in a knot about midway up her thigh, and slowly she began to sneak closer to the seemingly oblivious Gilbert. She'd managed to get her hand around the hilt of his damnably heavy sword when he swung around and threw her up against the tree, pinning her there by her throat. Their eyes locked in that moment, a swift understanding was slammed into place.

Things would never be the same between them.

His arm shook but his grip did not loosen, her hands dug feebly at his arm and her feet just barely touched the soft ground as she struggled to keep her breath. And then he began to laugh. Low and menacing at first, but quickly rising in pitch and hysteria. Elizaveta began to panic, eyes wide as she struggled against him...She only ever had the advantage in a surprise attack, at least, that's how it went before. Besides, he never held on for this long. There was normally one good hit and then the woot of triumph.

"Do you understand yet, Eliza?" His voice was still that creepily higher pitch which caused her heart to beat all the faster. "These are not the same as the games we played before." He held on for a moment longer before jerking his hand away which made her slump against the tree, gasping helplessly in a lame attempt to regain her breath. She glared up at him, hands shaking as they reached up to touch her throat which no doubt would be bruised with the the imprint of his hand within the hour.

They stayed like that only long enough for her to regain her breath, at which point hot tears of anger began to trickle out of her eyes as she began to speak in a horribly hoarse voice.

"I don't know what they've done to you Gil...But you're nothing but a cruel, heartless bastard now!" Again he began to laugh, striding forward and jerking her up by the front of her dress in the same breath. As might have been expected, her heart jumped and adrenaline rushed through her veins for fear of what he could do.

"Women shouldn't speak like men."

"You never used to care."

"I've learned differently."

"Well aren't men supposed to treat women like I don't know...women?"

"Act like one and I will!"

"Why? You always liked me better as a man!" Gilbert's ruby eyes narrowed, long strands of silver hair beginning to fall loose from the leather band that tied it back. His grip tightened for a moment on her dress, pulling her closer, their faces but a breath away from one another.

"What in the world would make you think that?" She didn't answer, in fact, she diverted her gaze, staring over his shoulder at the open fields around them. Perfectly alone, just like Roderich liked to warn her against. She began to figure that she would take that sensitive, frilly boy's advice every once in awhile. Even when it came to friends...She had sneaked out just meet Gilbert on his way home and this was how she got repaid.

She didn't like this.

Not one little bit.

"You haven't treated me the same since then!" It was true enough, whenever they'd figured out she was a girl, (it had been a complete accident on Gilbert's part), he'd stopped being so much fun. He started being careful with her. Started backing off. And nothing made her angrier than when someone treated her differently just because of her gender. It was positively infuriating.

"Pick what you want Eliza. Either you want to fight me like a man...Or you want me to treat you as I would a woman. Make up your mind already." Still his grip would not loosen, it didn't hurt, but her throat still did and it was enough to make her temper rise all the further. She saw no reason why she should have to choose. He should know when she wanted to fight and when she wanted to be treated with the faintest hint of kindness.

"I. Want. Both." At this Gilbert grinned, and it only stood to frighten and anger her further. It had never been like this before...

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I know what I want." Well, that silenced her. What in the world had Gilbert been thinking about all this time? Did he want to treat her like he would any of his male comrades...Or was it that he could possibly...Maybe...Want to treat her like a woman? Judging by the closeness of their faces she was tempted to think the latter. But that was a girlish delusion and nothing more. So it was that she discounted it with the only way she knew how, a hint of derision and dark laughter.

"Well that's something new to me Gil, because for all of the years I've known you, you have never known what you want." Okay, so maybe she shouldn't have gone there, but it wasn't as if she could have helped it. She didn't want to believe that he could have any feelings for her of that particular nature, mainly because she was pretty sure he didn't really have feelings other than the typical ones of male pride and competition.

"And I can't change?" She hadn't thought of it that way before, and with the way he was looking at her now...There was something there in those eyes that she hadn't noticed before. Some sort of strong glimmer that really didn't have anything to do with competitions or fighting. Like he'd grown up while he was away.

"I'm sure you can. But it's not what I would expect." That was honest enough.

"Well Eliza, you can't predict what someone will do all the time. People change. Situations change. Life changes." This was nothing like the Gilbert that had left her with a sarcastic grin and a promise to bring her back some sort of treasure...Which, by the way, he hadn't. Her mind began flickering through all of the things that could have possibly happened to make him change in such a drastic way, but nothing really came to mind. Maybe it was on the account of the fact she'd never gone off to war on some sort of religious quest...Or any quest at all, but still...

It just wasn't right.

"I think you just need some rest Gil, you'll feel like yourself after we get home and get you cleaned up, and you have time to share everything you saw." She was rambling, just a little, but she couldn't quite help it. When she was nervous, (which was rare of course), she couldn't help herself. Just couldn't keep her mouth shut.

"I'm not going back there." Well, if that didn't shock Elizaveta into silence, nothing would. Her mouth opened just a tad in shock as she looked up at her oldest friend.

"Where in the world would you go?" Her voice was tremulous, she'd only just gotten him back...For him to leave again so soon, even if he was acting really strange. It wasn't right, wasn't fair.

"I don't know yet, but I'm not staying here." His grip on her dress slackened, and he set her down gingerly, straightening his posture and turning his gaze away from her. "After everything...I just can't stay here. Roderich's too soft to understand, and I heard rumor that I have a brother...I want to go find him." She most definitely was not expecting that, nor the words that next escaped her mouth.

"Take me with you Gil." Her voice was slowly regaining strength, as was she. "If you aren't staying, then neither am I. We can find your brother, and you can teach me to fight...And we don't have to be apart again, okay?" He looked down on her, with an incredulous smirk already set in place. It was like he was tempted to say all that he'd already said again. That she couldn't handle life outside of this secluded, gentle place. That a part of him wanted to show her just how dark the world really was.

And a part of him that didn't want to go out there alone. So it was that he tucked the loose strands of his silver hair behind his ears and answered with a surprisingly light-hearted chuckle.

"Fine, you can come with me. You'd just better not act like a girl." The sad truth of it was that he wanted nothing more in the world.