London passes by like a blur as the taxi winds through the busy streets and Merlin's amazed by how it can all look exactly the same yet so different. After a fifteen hour flight, long queues at border control and baggage claim Merlin is jetlagged and in need of a soft, warm bed.

The taxi pulls up to the kerb and Merlin glances up at the block of luxurious apartments standing imposingly ahead of him. His bed will have to wait. His luggage is dropped onto the pavement beside his feet and he hands money over to the driver, shrugging off any change.

He wheels his suitcase into the building as the taxi rumbles away unnoticed. Merlin's mind is on bigger things, like what the hell he's going to say. He steps into the lift, presses the number ten until it lights up and holds his breathe. There are butterflies the size of elephants in his stomach and a million different scenarios playing in his head.

The elevator doors open up to a small square hallway with one door on either side of him. His hand shakes as he turns to the door on the right and knocks hard three times. He hears footsteps and his heart beats loudly as the door opens.

"Merlin?"

His eyes meet familiar blues, wide with surprise. "Hi Arthur."

Two Years Earlier

Merlin lets himself into Arthur's flat, kicks his shoes off by the front door and pads into the living room. "I'm here, let's get this party started." Arthur puts his hand out and catches the DVD rental box with ease when Merlin throws it to him.

"Pizza's ordered; it'll be here in two. You didn't get another tragic drama with ugly people crying every five minutes did you?"

Merlin sits down onto the sofa, props his feet up on the coffee table beside Arthur's and drops his head back onto Arthur's outstretched arm. "You enjoyed Love Story, don't lie."

Arthur shakes his head. "You are such a girl."

Merlin ignores him. "Did you remember the garlic bread?"

"In the eight years we have known each other have I ever forgotten the garlic bread?"

Merlin pokes Arthur in the side. "There's a first time for everything you know. Stick the film on already."

Merlin reluctantly pulls himself to his feet to get himself a drink as Arthur puts the film on. He hears the dramatic music start up as the door buzzes. Arthur's flat is almost a second home to Merlin; everyone knows that if Merlin isn't at home or at work then he's at Arthur's. He hangs out at the flat even when Arthur isn't around (mainly because Arthur's TV is twice the size of his, plus it has a top of the line sound system) he helps himself to the contents of Arthur's fridge and answers his phone.

"Merlin!" Arthur shouts as Merlin lets the pizza guy into the building. "People are crying already!" He groans. "You have no taste."

"Says the man who doesn't think a film is good unless there is a very high body count," Merlin retorts as he returns with two open beer bottles. "Where's your wallet? Pizza's on its way up."

Arthur waves his hand in a vague direction. "Over by the thing, underneath the whatsit."

Merlin finds the wallet easily and pulls out enough money, returning to the door just as the delivery guy knocks.

"This film is ridiculous," Arthur tells him ten minutes in, through a mouthful of meaty pizza. "It's only good for mocking."

"You love mocking films," Merlin smiles fondly. "That's why I rented it." Arthur returns Merlin's smile.

Arthur and Merlin have many traditions, so many that their friends just can't keep up with them and have given up trying. Their Movie Nights are one that nothing gets in the way of. Arthur always buys Merlin a pack of jelly beans for his birthday, among other more expensive presents and for some reason known only to them, they always spend New Year in the middle of the crowds at Southbank watching the fireworks together. Merlin always turns up on Arthur's doorstep with alcohol and chocolate after Arthur has a dinner date with his father and every single time they watch a film together Arthur falls asleep.

Arthur hasn't seen the end of a film in eight years and Merlin groans as Arthur snuffles and shifts until his head is resting on Merlin's shoulder. He should just sit on the other seat during films or at least sit further away. He knows what's going to happen yet he can't stop it. He doesn't want to stop it. Once a week, Merlin can pretend to himself that they are more than friends. The moment is brief before the guilt sets in, hating himself for letting Arthur get to him, hating how he can't ever say no or tell Arthur how he really feels. To Arthur, he'll always be best friend and nothing more.

Present Day

Arthur blinks. "You're here."

"I'm here," Merlin nods. "I came as soon as I heard."

"You're here," Arthur repeats, stuck like a broken record. It was definitely Merlin stood in front of him, those cheekbones and eyes so unquestionably Merlin, but the man he knew was gangly and pale, awkward and clumsy. This new Merlin is tanned and although he isn't muscly by any stretch of the imagination, he had certainly put on more weight and grown comfortable into his own body.

"Arthur?"

Arthur realises how stupid he must look, stood there gaping and he changes his expression quickly, from surprised to expressionless, as the shock wears off. He still hasn't forgotten what brought them to this place in time and he certainly hasn't forgiven. He clears his throat and speaks. "I suppose you better come in," he says politely, taking a step back to let Merlin and his heavy suitcase through. "You came straight from the airport then," he continues, closing the door behind Merlin with a soft click before leading him into the living room.

Merlin nods, his eyes glancing around the living room, searching for something he recognises. Arthur's flat is a mix of old and new. The same Jolomo print that Merlin always hated and Arthur kept to spite him sits above the fireplace but the sofa was new, bought not long after Merlin left. This one was big and soft with none of the stains that he and Arthur had left after one memorable movie night which had turned into a food fight. It was amazing how much could change in just two years.

Merlin stands uncomfortably in the room, his body rigid and obviously taking his cues from Arthur. "I'm sorry for your loss."

"His funeral is tomorrow," Arthur replies, not knowing what else to say. He remembers a time when he knew exactly what to say to Merlin, when he was the one person who could tell him the truth, the one person who could say what needed to be said.

Merlin nods. "Are you okay?"

"Am I okay?" Arthur repeats, finally feeling himself snapping. "Well my father is dead Merlin, and you're here, standing in my living room after two years without a single email or call. I am so far from okay." Arthur turns away from him and stalks into the kitchen to find himself a stiff drink. Merlin doesn't follow but he doesn't expect him to.

When he returns, glass filled with undiluted gin, Morgana and Gwen have appeared - from where, he has no idea - and he grimaces as he watches them hug Merlin tightly and fawn over him.

"You're looking amazing Merlin, Peru must agree with you," Morgana grins.

"Definitely," Gwen agrees, refusing to let go of Merlin. "You're hot."

"And I wasn't before?" Merlin pouts.

Morgana ignores his comment and pulls him down onto the sofa. "Tell us everything."

"Oh please do," Arthur mutters, lifting the glass to his lips and taking a gulp of the strong liquid that instantly warms his insides and burns his throat. He feels Merlin's eyes on him but he refuses to meet Merlin's gaze.

"Another time," Merlin promises. "I'll be around for a while."

"What's a while?" Arthur asks suddenly and three sets of eyes stare at him. "You going to disappear without saying goodbye again? If that's the case you might as well go back to Peru now."

"Arthur!" Morgana cries.

"I have two weeks off," Merlin responds quickly. "And I'll say goodbye...if that's what you want."

"When has what I want mattered to you?" Arthur downs the rest of his glass and slams it onto the table. With nothing else to say he ignores the stormy expression on Morgana's face and disappears out onto the balcony. He doesn't care what they might think of him. His father died a week ago. They can cut him a little slack.

Two Years Earlier

Merlin hates Arthur's taste in music but it's Arthur's birthday so he gets his own way. The music thumps repetitively with barely a lyric or tune in sight and Merlin had a rapidly worsening headache. He should be enjoying himself, Arthur always throws great parties, but his best friend spent the first half an hour downing as much alcohol as possible, then trying to hook Merlin up with random people before disappearing somewhere. Arthur was obviously having some kind of early mid-life crisis; it was the only explanation for his behaviour.

Merlin never thought it strange that he didn't know many of Arthur's other friends after being Arthur's best friend for years but now he's surrounded by Arthur's work mates and gym mates and old college mates, most of which he couldn't name and he doubts they know his name either. He feels invisible, like he's back at school in the library watching the popular kids have all the fun. Morgana and Gwen had disappeared to a bedroom earlier and Merlin was in no rush to go looking for them. He'd walked into them once before and once was enough.

With a headache from the music and his stomach doing somersaults from trying to keep up with Arthur's drinking, he feels like crap and decides to call it a night. He knows Arthur will understand him skipping out early as long as he says goodbye first, so he goes in search of his friend.

The kitchen's occupied by one of Arthur's old uni friends, Gwaine, who seems to be mixing up potent drinks for unsuspecting party goers. Merlin quickly turns down the offer of a bright blue cocktail and escapes. The study is being used as some kind of make-out room and Arthur's bedroom is locked. Arthur loves a party but hates people in his bedroom.

There's only one place left to look and Merlin pushes through the crowd and steps out onto the balcony. The cold air is a shock to the system but it's the sight in front of him that has in freezing on the spot. Arthur's standing with his back to Merlin and his weight is pressing a female "friend" against the railings as they devour each other, arms wrapped tightly around each other and the woman's slim, bare leg has slipped through Arthur's.

Merlin stumbles back before he's seen and keeps moving through the flat until he's out the front door. His mind races as he makes his way out of the building and only stops when he's standing outside the entrance, looking lost and alone. Every time he closes he eyes he sees it; the image of Arthur and the girl imprinted on his memory.

He doesn't know why it's such a surprise. He knew Arthur was straight, knew he dated. But knowing and seeing are two completely different things and he knows as long as he didn't see it, Merlin could pretend it didn't happen. But it was happening and one day Arthur was going to find a woman he loves and he's going to marry her and then Merlin won't be able to pretend any longer.

He can't keep going on like this, living in a fantasy world. He has to get over Arthur once and for all. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and finds the right number in the phone book before dialling.

"Hi Gaius...yes, I know what time it is." He sighs, his eyes drifting up the lights on the tenth floor. "I'll take it...I'll take the job."

Present Day

Merlin follows Arthur out onto the balcony once Morgana and Gwen have gone. He's hopefully given Arthur enough time to cool off and get his head together. It's not yet warm enough outside for shorts and sunglasses but not so cold that Merlin is shivering without his coat. It's still not weather he's used to, no humidity that consumes the air and makes it hard to breathe; no heat that makes you sweat until your clothes are soaked.

The view from Arthur's tenth floor flat is still stunning and all Merlin can see are the buildings that make up the city landscape. "I forgot how beautiful it is out here," Merlin finally says, stepping up beside Arthur and gripping the cool metal railing.

"You forgot a lot of things when you left...like goodbye."

Merlin sighs. "I deserve everything you can throw at me...I was a crappy friend."

Arthur spins and faces Merlin with fire in his eyes. "You just left! You didn't even have the courtesy to say goodbye. How the hell do you think that made me feel?"

"I'm sorry," Merlin croaks.

" Sorry you left? Sorry you went without a word? Or sorry you told me you loved me?" Arthur asks pointedly and Merlin flinches.

He shakes his head slowly. "I'll never be sorry I told you the truth," he admits.

"In a letter! You couldn't even tell me to my face."

"And have you reject me? I couldn't bear that, not you Arthur. I couldn't handle you rejecting me." His throat feels tight and the wind suddenly picks up, whipping his cheeks. Arthur's hair is blown about and Merlin resists the urge to reach over and run his fingers through it.

"Why are you here Merlin?" Arthur asks a moment later. "Why now after two years of nothing?"

"I just thought..." Merlin begins, his soft voice carried away by the wind. "I thought you might need someone; might need me."

Arthur shakes his head in disbelief and turns away. "Two years."

Merlin reaches out. "Arthur." That one word contains so many sentiments: sorry and please and so many other things.

Slowly Arthur faces him once more, his expression raw with emotion. Grief from his father's death and anger directed at Merlin. "I have always needed you Merlin," he admits. "Always."

Arthur leaves Merlin out on the balcony, disappearing without another word and Merlin lets him go, too stunned to do anything but stand and stare at Arthur's retreating form.

Two Years Earlier

Arthur lets himself into Merlin's pokey flat. After calling his mobile a million times, emailing him, texting and leaving messages on his Facebook, Arthur is determined to get to the bottom of why his best friend isn't talking to him. On the long journey across town, Arthur had racked his brain for what he'd done or said to receive the silent treatment but nothing came to mind.

Merlin had certainly been quieter since his birthday party nearly two months ago, but that wasn't unusual for Merlin. He would go through busy periods at the hospital, working long hours with serious cases, and when that happened there was nothing Arthur could do but be there for Merlin if he needed him. His radio silence scares Arthur. He's never been out of contact before, always responding quickly to messages, and he has no idea what he'll find in Merlin's flat.

It's eerily quiet and unusually clean. The Merlin he knows is a walking pig sty, able to make mess wherever he goes and useless at cleaning up after himself, but every surface in the house is cleared, the wood is polished and the carpets hovered. It's a strange sight, so out of character, and now he knows something is wrong.

Stepping into the kitchen his eyes land on a white envelope propped up on the kitchen table, his name scrawled across it in Merlin's scratchy doctor's handwriting. He frowns and quickly tears it open to reveal the contents.

Dear Arthur

I'm sorry, so, so sorry, that I couldn't do this in person. I convinced myself that if I told you, you would convince me to stay and if you asked I would have stayed.

I had to go Arthur. I was offered me a placement at small clinic in Peru, a once in a lifetime opportunity that I just couldn't turn down. I'm going to be working in a small village with one other doctor and a couple of local nurses, miles from the nearest hospital. I really believe I can make a difference there.

You will always be my best friend, the one person who knows me better than anyone else, which makes me a coward, a huge cowardly coward for not saying goodbye. But mostly because not once in the eight years we've known each other have I told you how much I love you. I have loved you for so long and the only way I could tell you was through a letter whilst I was thousands of miles away. I need this...I need to get over you.

Goodbye Arthur.

Arthur folds the letter up and slips it into his jacket inside pocket, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. He's torn between anger and sadness and wishes his best friend was here so he could hit him and then hug him. He needs Merlin and the thought of life without him around terrifies him.

Present Day

Merlin stands outside Arthur's door for a good fifteen minutes before knocking. It seemed so easy earlier but now it's the hardest thing he's done since running away to Peru. There's a long pause between Merlin knocking and Arthur answering the door but Merlin doesn't blame him as Arthur appears in a t-shirt and boxers, rubbing his tired eyes to try and wake himself up.

"Merlin, it's the middle of the night. What are you doing here?"

"I...There's something I have to say."

"And it couldn't wait?" Arthur sighs. "In case you hadn't realised I'm burying my father tomorrow...today, whatever."

"I know I'm sorry, but I have to say this now. You see I have enough courage now, I have the courage to tell you I love you. I thought over time and with distance my feelings for you would go away but they haven't, not even a little bit. It doesn't matter if you don't feel the same way, but you deserved to hear it from me, face to face. I love you Arthur Pendragon. I have for a very long time."

Arthur stares at him for what seems like forever to Merlin, before he turns and walks away. Merlin frowns, no idea what is going through Arthur's head. He misses knowing what Arthur is thinking just by the look in his eyes.

He steps over the threshold cautiously, closes the door and calls out for Arthur. Following the sound of rustling, he slowly enters Arthur's bedroom and watches with interest as Arthur pulls a piece of paper out of his bedside table.

"What's that?" he asks as Arthur stands up straight, walks over to Merlin and holds it out.

"Just take it," Arthur speaks for the first time, his voice deep and hoarse from sleep.

Merlin reaches out and takes the folded paper, recognising it as soon as he opens it up. "You kept this?" he whispers.

"I kept it," Arthur nods.

"All this time?"

"I have read it and reread it a million times ...didn't really know what I was looking for," Arthur explains, then his eyes flick up to meet Merlin's and Merlin knows exactly what he's thinking, what he's feeling. "Didn't know until you turned up on my doorstep again." Arthur steps closer and Merlin's breath quickens as Arthur's hand cups his cheek, fingertips brushing the short hair behind his ear and a thumb softly tracing the angles of Merlin's cheekbone. "I missed you more than a friend should. Missed you so much."

"Arthur, please just-"

Arthur cuts him off, surging forward to press their lips together. Merlin's eyes slide shut and he submits to Arthur, letting himself be swept up in the moment. It's deep and rough, all tongue and heat and Arthur's arms holding him tightly in the embrace. It's perfection, so much better than Merlin ever imagined it though he doesn't know if it's because he's finally getting what he's dreamt of or because Arthur wants it just as much. The need for air splits them apart but even then it's only a hairsbreadth, neither willing to put distance between them.

Their lips meet again, softer this time, kiss after kiss, exploring and tasting and just being what they should have been years ago. Merlin smiles against Arthur's lips as Arthur walks backwards, tugging Merlin along with him until the bed is right there.

It's not too soon, and though Arthur's inexperience with men is clear, Merlin takes control and shows him how good it can feel. He undresses Arthur slowly with teasing hands and soft wet kisses to unveiled skin before taking off his own clothes, the desire in Arthur's watching eyes making his skin itch with want.

Neither of them last long, not when their naked bodies finally meet and Merlin rubs and thrusts and grinds into Arthur, his body cradled between Arthur's legs. As they push for completion their kisses become frantic and breathless and Arthur tears his mouth away as he comes - his whole back arching, his fingers digging into Merlin's skin - and Merlin follows him soon after, his hips jerking uncontrollably.

With his heart still beating fast in his chest, Merlin stumbles on shaking legs to the en suite and he retrieves a wet flannel, cleaning down a languid Arthur before sorting himself out. He returns to bed, slipping under the covers where Arthur curls up against him.

"You going to sleep like that?" Arthur asks, croaking out the words.

"Huh?"

Arthur shifts until he's facing Merlin, slides his arm around Merlin's waist and pulls him close. "You can't stop smiling," he explains.

"I'm happy...so happy."

Arthur chuckles softly. "Sleep now."

Merlin's eyelids are heavy and it doesn't take much to fall asleep, Arthur's body keeping him warm as his sweat slick skin cools.

The Next Day

Arthur wakes up alone, the sheets cold and the only reminder of last night is a dirty flannel in the bathroom. He doesn't know what to think. After Merlin's confession, after his own admission, the last thing he expected was for Merlin to run. He shivers as he throws back the covers and pads across the room to the en suite, needing to wash away the stench of sex still clinging to his skin.

Once clean and dry, he picks out a smart black suit from his wardrobe, finds a matching tie from a drawer and silently pulls on his clothes. The watch his father bought him for his twenty first birthday slides onto his wrist and he pushes his feet into a pair of shiny designer shoes.

He arrives at the graveyard early, unable to sit and wait in an empty flat any longer. It's an overcast day, though no rain is forecasted and Arthur's glad for that. People start arriving before ten, all dressed in black and moving through the graveyard towards him like spectres. Morgana and Gwen arrive together: hands clasped tightly, matching sombre expressions on their faces, a far cry from yesterday when greeting Merlin.

He hadn't known how many people to expect, had had no idea the sheer numbers of people his father had befriended in his sixty years, how many people respected him and were truly mourning his loss and when the vicar begins Arthur's sure there's at least a hundred people stood huddled around the small rectangle hole in the ground.

Ten minutes into the service he feels a hand slide into his and Arthur knows who it is without looking. He squeezes the hand hard. Merlin squeezes back, the gesture saying everything that can't be said out loud. I'm here.

They stay there until long after the service is over and people have left for the wake.

"I'm sorry I turned up late," Merlin breaks the silence. Arthur doesn't look at him, his eyes still focused on the dark polished coffin at his feet, one slender lily placed beside the engraved plaque. "There was something I had to do."

"What was so important that you had to leave without saying goodbye this morning?" Arthur asks.

Merlin turns to look at him. "I had to quit my job," he answers.

Arthur finally meets Merlin's gaze, trying not to reveal his surprise, he's still mad at Merlin for disappearing "I thought they needed you in Peru."

"They do," Merlin agrees. "But there's someone a little closer to home who needs me more."