Oh Frag, Not Again: Epilogue

Korriban was the desolate world to top all desolate worlds. On its' barren plains, packs of tuk'ata endlessly roamed in search of their next meal. In the Valley of the Sith lords, only dust and bones marked the remnant of a once great empire. Within the long-abandoned confines of Dreshdae City, a lone birthday clown inexplicably danced the Electric Slide.

Suddenly, a faint stirring of wind broke the eerie silence. A ship descended, rather shakily, down into the Valley of the Sith lords, before doing several barrel rolls and spinning wildly from side-to-side. It promptly ricocheted off several tombs, took the head off an ancient statue, and turned an unfortunate Hssiss into roadkill, before plowing into the ground and finally coming to a stop.

All was silent again, for but a moment.

"Frag it, Atton! I told you not to let Visas drive!" Xana screamed, loud enough to cause several tuk'ata to run for the hills.

The loading ramp of the craft extended, and three cloaked figures dramatically swept out onto the dusty ground. The third one, however, managed to trip over the hem of his cloak and faceplant on a cloaked Hssiss.

"Atton!" Xana and Raye chorused exasperatedly, drawing their lightsabers. Atton activated his as well, spawning an eye-searing, bright orange blade that emanated rainbow sparkles.

Raye winced and turned to Xana, "You have to put up with this on a daily basis?"

Xana shook her head, "He's usually worse."

"Dang. I'm starting to think I was better off in exile."

Xana looked around the Academy, noting all the new passageways and doors. She sighed, "Yep, we are some kinda lost."

Raye examined the room as well, trying to come up with a plan. It wasn't easy with Atton standing right behind her, blatantly staring at the back of her head. She quickly moved to stand in front of Xana.

"Well, this sucks. I was hoping you'd know where to go, considering you founded this place and all."

Xana tapped her head, "Memory loss, hun. Not to be confused with senility, although I'm pretty sure I'm starting to catch that from Kreia." Her eyes suddenly glazed over and began to dart around. "Um…what are we doing here again?"

"Oh, forget it. What do you suggest we do?"

Xana shrugged, "I dunno, fan out and aimlessly wander around?"

"But there could be wild animals, traps, assassins-"

"Oh my," Xana deadpanned. "Look, if you're so nervous about it, you can take my apprentice with you," she offered, oblivious to the fact that Atton had now skulked over to the side and was staring unblinkingly at Raye's face.

"Yeah…no."

Xana shrugged, "Suit yourself. You go and check out the student quarters and archives, then. We'll proceed down this clearly trap-laden hallway and investigate the interrogation room."

Raye just gave a nervous chuckle and backed away slowly. Atton, despite standing only a few feet away from her, had now raised a pair of binoculars to his eyes. Xana snatched the binoculars and smacked him upside the head with them.

"Come on," she snapped, grabbing Atton by the collar and dragging him off in the opposite direction. Xana had forgotten the traps, however, and the two were instantly engulfed in a plume of lime-green smoke.

The wonderful scent of pickles and cat pee assaulted Xana's nose, and her eyes inevitably began to water. She stumbled and, letting go of her wayward apprentice, bumped into a conspicuous red button. For a moment, all was eerily silent.

Until pies began to rain forth from the ceiling.

Xana screamed, "Fragging lava cookies and robot dolphins below, they do not pay me enough for this!" Already, she was ankle-deep in ten different fruit fillings. It was indeed a wonderland of sugar, with pies of every imaginable flavor falling down like raindrops.

Atton was staring twinkle-eyed at the scene, grinning like a madman. Xana glared daggers at him, feeling oddly satisfied when a pie of dubious brown color promptly impacted his face. "Please let that be chocolate," he muttered miserably.

Xana and Atton ran to the end of the hall, desperately trying to shield themselves from the barrage of pastries. Xana sliced the lock on the door in record time, allowing them to dodge into the interrogation room. Breathing heavily and wiping pie bits off of her face, she collapsed on the floor.

Her peace was shattered all too soon. "Uh…Xana?" Atton asked timidly.

"What?" Xana gritted out.

"Our hair-" he snickered, trying to bite back a full-out laugh.

Xana's eyes immediately shot open. Much to her panic, the first thing she registered was her very green-haired apprentice. Hyperventilating, she picked up a lock of her own hair. It was lime-green; the very same shade as the poison gas. Her eye began to twitch.

"I need comfort food," Xana declared hastily. Crossing over to the table on the far end of the room, she rooted around in the cupboards underneath. Finally, she emerged with a cobweb-covered bag of cheese puffs. "Wow, I can't believe my secret stash is still here," she mumbled, grabbing a handful and stuffing them into her mouth.

Atton looked at her quizzically, "I thought you haven't been in Republic space for nearly a decade."

Xana licked cheese dust off her fingers and shrugged, "Your point?"

"Still, why in the interrogation room?" he asked, stomach turning.

"Cause nobody would think to look for cheese puffs in an interrogation room, duh," Xana replied, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She closed her eyes and savored the taste. Yep, Republic-brand cheese puffs were just like wine; they only got better with age.

"Xana!"

"WHAT?" she yelled, angry at having her reverie interrupted.

"I think we found that Jedi Master you've been looking for," Atton replied, standing in front of a prison cell.

Xana smiled and nodded, realization dawning in her eyes. "Oh, so that's what we're here for. Well, what are you waiting for? Crack that cell open and we'll-" Xana stopped short as soon as she saw the inside of the holding cell.

"Oh, shizznit."

Several hours later, Raye had finally managed to hack into the Academy's archives. She accessed the databanks with breathless anticipation. Who knew what kind of information lay within; ancient Sith histories, battle plans, maps of the Unknown Regions?

{LOWER ECHELONS OF THE SITH HIERARCHY 101}

{Lesson 1 - "Would you like fries with that?"}

Raye facepalmed. "And this was the powerful, driving force that nearly conquered the galaxy," she muttered.

She was suddenly brought out of her muddled cloud of frustration. The interrupting factor was none other than a steaming plate of bacon right in front of her face. Raye looked up from the effervescent meat, somewhat startled when she saw that it was held by a red-coated man riding on a horse. On his shoulder, he bore a strange patch with a red leaf on it.

"Man, I am some kinda lost, eh?" the strange man asked in a lilting accent. "Say, ma'am, you wouldn't know the way outta here, would you?"

Raye stepped back distrustfully, "I'm just as lost as you are. Sorry, bub."

"Aw, well that's a crying shame," he replied. "Best 'a luck to ya, then. Free bacon?"

"No, I'm good."

"Alrighty then. I best be off." He rode into the distance, cheerfully plodding along.

Raye just stared down the hall in confusion, visibly perturbed. The console next to her started to emit a whirring noise, and she turned to read the screen.

{SITH PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS 402}

{Lesson 5 – Force Lightning: To Zap or Not to Zap?}

Raye glared ahead blankly, before spinning on her heel and walking away.

Xana stomped back into the central room, lime-haired and covered in fruit goo. Atton followed behind her, balancing his lit lightsaber on his nose. Suddenly, something in the shadows began to move.

Xana smacked a hand against Atton's chest to bring him to a stop. His lightsaber promptly fell over onto his face. Miraculously, though, he remained unharmed save for a missing eyebrow.

"Now, aren't you glad that I installed that childproof lens emitter that permanently sets it to stun?" Xana asked.

"Yes…" Atton grumbled.

Darth Sion stepped forth from the shadows and cleared his throat loudly. "It is I, the harbinger of your demise. For far too long, I have been following your progress across the stars and tracking your every move. Now, we meet face to face. Tell me, are you surprised to see me again?"

Xana blinked. "No, not really. Hey, look, I know you're all for dramatic flair and that shizz, but I've had a really crappy day and I just want to go back to my ship and eat tacos. So, can you just tell me what you want?"

"Yeah…sure," Sion replied, suddenly nervous about something. "Um…you see, I sorta wanted to maybe ask a favor, seeing as how you and the Exile are pretty tight-"

"Just spit it out, Sion."

"Can you give me the Exile's number?"

"What. The. Frag," Xana deadpanned.

Sion hurried to explain, "Well, it's just that I wanted to get to know her, but couldn't think of any other way to introduce myself without it being awkward. Or without the Exile trying to kill me and all. So I've just settled for taking pictures from afar." He whipped out a pink digital camera. "Wanna see?"

"No."

"Too late!" Sion crowded in between Xana and Atton, and began to scroll through the pictures. "This one's from when I was stalking her on Dantooine, this one's from when I was stalking her on Dxun, this one's from when I was stalking her on Nar Shaddaa…ooh look, here's one where she's looking over her shoulder because she's getting a nagging feeling that someone is stalking her! Aww, isn't she cute?"

Xana cringed and Force-pushed Sion away, "No. Just…no."

Sion retreated back to the middle of the room. "So…can I have her number?"

Xana sighed, "Yes."

"Really?"

"No."

Raye chose that very moment to walk in. She looked confusedly from person to person, activating her viridian double-saber just in case. "Soooo," she drawled, "What's going on here?"

"I love you," Sion blurted out.

"What the frag?" Raye exclaimed. Sion brought a gray hand to his ear and mouthed the words 'call me'.

Raye slowly edged toward Xana, lightsaber still pointed toward Sion. "Please tell me we get to fight this one," she whispered, keeping a wary eye on the Sith in front of them.

"Sorry," Xana replied, "The 'Heroes-With-Dubious-Light-Side-Alignments Handbook' states that all darksiders must be given at least one chance at redemption."

Raye glared at Xana accusingly, "Where was that when we were mindlessly razing through the True Sith Empire?"

"I lost it then, okay?" she whined, holding up the miniature-sized datapad. "Point is, it says right here that-"

Raye promptly impaled the Handbook with her lightsaber. She shot Xana a triumphant smirk.

Xana simply reached into her shoe and pulled out another one. "Ha, I got a spare," she gloated.

"Frag it! Okay, fine, but you have to talk to him!" Raye shoved Xana forward angrily.

Xana replaced her scowl with a painfully fake smile as she regarded the Sith lord. "Okay, Sion. It's kind of freaking obvious that Kreia's a Sith lord, who you are working with to totally annihilate the galaxy. Which is why I've got her locked up in a Force cage that I keep in my cargo hold. But still…why?"

Sion sighed and looked heavenward, as a beam of light dramatically shone down from the ceiling. "Brownies."

Xana nearly dropped her lightsaber. She hadn't been expecting that one. "Are you serious? That is what your galactic domination plans are all about? Brownies?"

"Oh, yes," he replied brightly. "You see, the only reason Kreia was still allowed on the Sith Council was because she brought these absolutely fabulous brownies to the board meetings! We just told her she was an excellent tactician because then she'd bring more. Other than that…she's kinda useless."

"No duh," Xana replied. "Seriously then, do you think we could work out a deal? I mean, if that's all it takes to-"

"Shhhhh!" Sion replied frantically, flapping his arms around. He added in a whisper, "There are people in my eyebrows."

"…What?" Xana asked incredulously.

"But you don't even have eyebrows!" Raye cut in.

Sion pointed at the ceiling and implored, "Be silent! The horse overlords will hear you!"

Xana facepalmed and sighed, "Sion, did those brownies have spice in them?"

He completely ignored them. By now, he was waving his arms and shouting at the ceiling, "They mean you no harm! No, Buttermuffins, you must not zap them with your laser vision! Neigh neigh neigh, neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh! NEIGH, NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH NEIGH!"

"Yup," Xana drawled, making a popping noise on the 'p'.

Atton leaned over and whispered, "Can we get out of here now?"

"Gimme a second!" Xana yelled impatiently. She approached Sion cautiously and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Look, I'm just saying – the light side has so many more benefits. Like…not inadvertently turning into a zombie!" Xana declared brightly. She then began to muse, "But on the other hand…we have Vrook and Atris. I'd imagine that evens it out a bit, though we do have a much larger variety of lightsabers-" Xana's focus was promptly shattered when a grey chunk of…matter…came off in her hand.

Her eyes flew wide and she muttered, "Pogo-jumping fudgesicles, that is nasty."

Sion, apparently not fazed by her monologue, began to wave his lightsaber around haphazardly. "They have been angered!" he declared, voice tinged with panic. "Quickly, you must flee! FLEE, I TELL YOU!"

Raye shrugged, "Works for me." She wasted no time in bolting for the door.

"Yeah, me too," Xana acquiesced. She threw the gray chunk over her shoulder and dragged Atton out by the collar.

The three sprinted to the Ebon Hawk as fast as their feet could carry them. The moment they were all inside the boarding ramp, Xana hollered, "T3, get us out of here now!" A beep emanated from the cockpit, right before they were all thrown back from the force of the ship's acceleration.

"Did you really have to program that thing to pilot the same way you drive swoop bikes?" Raye snapped at Xana.

"Yup!" she answered cheerily. "Now c'mon, let's go and get that meeting with the Council over with."

"Yay," Raye deadpanned, getting off the floor and dusting her robes off. "More Vrook. Just what I've always wanted."

Atton waved a hand dismissively, "Pfft. Come on, what could possibly go wrong?"

*sigh* And now we know why things went so horrendously on Dantooine. Atton jinxed them. Seriously, Atty, you had to get in one more fail before the fic ended, didn't ya? ;P

Yuh, it's over for real now. I feel strangely sad, yet accomplished at the same time.

So, now you have a little glimpse of what the sequel to Who I Am will be like. A little less comedy, but Xana will still be just a teensy bit nutters, Kreia will still be horribly inept, and the Exile will still be even more abrasive and sarcastic than Xana. (And surprisingly, the universe does not implode from it.) Ah, enough of the shameless fic endorsement...

Thanks to writtenrhythm for beta-ing the series! And thank you to all the readers who reviewed and faved! You guys rock even harder than Atton's glittery orange lightsaber. Or HK's explosiony entrance. Whichever you prefer.