Happily Ever After

(Author's Note: This is dedicated to all the folks who like the "MishMASH" stories so much and have asked for more. I'm sure there will be more of those coming. In the meantime, here's another tale from the B.J.-Hawkeye-Erin verse.)

Unnoticed, B.J. stood in the bedroom doorway and watched as Hawkeye took a seat on Erin's bed, considering her request. All tucked in for the night, she had just asked for a bedtime story, and B.J. knew Hawkeye was more than happy to oblige, enthusiastic storyteller that he was. B.J. decided to stay in the shadows and listen in, himself a sucker for his lover's inventive, sometimes far-fetched, always entertaining tales.

Besides, watching his two favorite people interact was one of the great pleasures of his life.

"OK," Hawkeye was saying as he made himself comfortable, "you can have a bedtime story. But I'll tell you what… it's your story, and that means you have creative control."

"Creative control," Erin echoed, sounding awed by the idea.

"And that means that you decide what it's going to be about. So, my young friend… name three things that you want in your story."

"Three things?"

"Yep. Any three things… it's entirely up to you."

She thought for a long time, utterly consumed by the task at hand. Uncharacteristically patient, Hawkeye waited her out. Still unobserved, B.J. crossed his arms and leaned against the doorframe, smiling. God, he loved his family.

Finally Erin lifted her head and said, "I want my story to be about a queen, a talking banana, and a blue dog."

B.J. nearly laughed out loud but managed to refrain. His kid had quite an imagination… aided and abetted, no doubt, by the fact that she lived with Hawkeye Pierce. But it didn't matter how outrageous the request, Hawkeye was going to somehow make it work. B.J. was certain of it.

His mouth only twitching a little, Hawkeye nodded calmly, as though he told stories about talking bananas every day of the week and twice on Sunday. After only a brief pause, he began: "Once upon a time, there was a queen named Queen Erin who ruled a very large kingdom. Er, queendom. And all the people in this queendom were very happy and very prosperous."

Erin interrupted in a small voice, "I don't know what prospice means."

"Well," Hawkeye said, unfazed by the interruption, "first of all, that's prosperous, not prospice. And secondly, what do we do when there's a word we don't know?"

"We look it up in the dictionary."

"That's right. And since you keep your bedroom about as tidy as your daddies kept their tent in Korea, your dictionary is down here at my feet… right next to Mr. Bunny and some clothing that really ought to be in the clothes hamper instead of on the floor." As admonishments go, it was much too subtle for her to even realize she'd been scolded. Hawkeye bent down and picked up the children's dictionary that Erin seemed to reference a lot since Hawkeye had become part of the family. Flipping pages, he eventually found the entry he was looking for. "Ah, here we go. Prosperous. Well, what do you know—there's a picture here of Charles Emerson Winchester the Third!"

Erin giggled. "There is not!"

"Well, no. But there could be. Because… what is Uncle Charles?"

She gave it a couple seconds' thought. "Chubby?"

Now it was Hawkeye's turn to laugh, loud and with sheer delight, in that way of his that seemed to proclaim, I adore this kid. When he caught his breath, he agreed, "Uncle Charles is a little chubby, yeah. But he's also prosperous, which, according to your dictionary here, means 'having wealth, success or good fortune; well-off.'"

"Oh," Erin said with a nod as understanding sank in. "OK."

Hawkeye put the dictionary back on the floor amongst the strewn clothing and stuffed animals. "Now… where was I? I've lost the thread of my story."

"The people living under Queen Erin were prosperous," Erin prompted, clearly proud of herself for learning the new word.

"Yes. Good." Hawkeye looked up at the ceiling, gathering his thoughts. Watching from the doorway, B.J. couldn't help thinking back on some of Hawkeye's tall tales told over gin in the Swamp. The squirrel giving out answers to med-school exams. The date with Miss New England of 1949. The man certainly enjoyed his flights of fancy, that was for sure.

"So," Hawkeye was saying now, "everything in the queendom was great. People were happy and wealthy and there was nothing bad going on. Then one day Queen Erin was about to bite into a banana when suddenly it began to talk to her! She immediately held the banana away from her mouth and studied it as it said, 'Please don't eat me.' Well, that was a shocker, as you can imagine!"

Erin nodded her head vigorously but said nothing, caught up in the story.

"After a moment, Queen Erin got over her shock and asked the banana, 'Why shouldn't I eat you? You're a banana, and that's what bananas are for. To be eaten.' And the banana replied, 'Trust me, you'll want me around. Something bad is about to happen here in your village, and I'm going to be the one to save the day.' Well, Queen Erin scoffed. She rightly said, 'I don't believe you, my yellow friend. Nothing bad ever happens here in my queendom. We are a happy and prosperous people, and tragedy never befalls us.'"

Erin, clearly recognizing foreshadowing when she heard it, muttered, "Uh-oh."

Hawkeye gave a knowing nod. "That's right… uh-oh. No sooner had the Queen uttered those words when all of a sudden, one of her assistants ran up to her and announced, 'Queen Erin! We have a problem!' And the Queen set the banana aside and asked, 'Whatever could be wrong? There are never any problems in my village!'"

Frowning, Erin declared, "I don't like Queen Erin."

This seemed to catch Hawkeye off guard. He'd been about to barrel on with his story, but now he did something of a double-take. "You don't?"

"Nuh-uh. She's got a big head."

Hawkeye, giving this some thought, nodded. "I suppose she does. But sometimes that's not a bad thing in a leader. People who are in charge need to think highly of themselves and have confidence in their decisions."

"Oh."

"You're right, though, Erin. Most of the time, it's hard to like people when they have a big head. Speaking of Uncle Charles like we were a few minutes ago… there were times, especially when your daddy and I first met him, when he had a very big head and acted like we were nothing compared to him. It sure wasn't easy to live with him when he was like that."

"I'll bet!"

"But he turned out to be OK. And a lot of people, even when it seems like they're arrogant know-it-alls and they act like jerks… if you get to know them deep down, they're probably not so bad. With Queen Erin here, she's just been very successful for a very long time, so that's why she seems full of herself."

Erin settled into her sheets, nodding. "OK."

"All right then," Hawkeye said, patting her leg under the blanket and once again taking a moment to get the story sorted in his mind. B.J. loved the look on his face… the concentration, the unguarded expression. He was such a beautiful man. The unruly black-gray hair, the slightly pointed nose, the sharp blue eyes, the cheekbones… it all came together in what B.J. could only describe as a delicious blend. He felt desire bubbling inside him as he stared at the man he loved and lived with.

"So OK," Hawkeye continued his story, "the assistant came along and told Queen Erin that they had a problem, and the Queen asked, 'Pray tell, what is going on?' And the assistant said, 'A very angry dog has just entered the village, and it looks like he is going to start hurting people!'

"Queen Erin said, 'Take me to this dog!' And she followed her assistant, who showed her this growling, barking, sniveling dog just outside the castle. Oh, he was in quite a state… pacing around, his eyes wild, his ears sticking straight back. He looked very angry indeed. The Queen called out to him, 'Dog! Who are you and why are you here in my village, bringing your anger and agitation?'

"The dog stopped pacing and growling and looked at her. 'I have been kicked out of my hometown,' he explained, 'the village down the road that's ruled by King Frank Burns. He told me I was worthless and he kicked me out, and now I am very blue.'"

B.J. thought: Blue dog... and almost chuckled out loud but caught himself.

Hawkeye, speaking as the dog, continued, "'I figured if I came to this village and killed all the people in it, King Frank Burns would no longer think I'm worthless and would welcome me back with open arms.'"

Erin gasped but said nothing, obviously enthralled. For his part, B.J. thought King Burns sounded very much in character, sad as that was.

Hawkeye said, "Suddenly, without any further warning, the dog began to charge at people, baring his teeth and growling and looking very wild. People ran in all directions, trying to escape his murderous rage."

Erin was not only sinking deeper into her bedsheets, but clinging to them a little desperately.

"And that's when our friend the talking banana suddenly came from out of nowhere. In the midst of all the mayhem, he hurried outside and—in one swift, heroic motion—tore off his peel and threw it directly in front of the dog. The dog didn't see it in time and he slipped on the banana peel, and he went flyyyying across the road as if he were on ice or something! Completely out of control, he yelped in surprise and spun around and around on the banana peel, and then he went ass over teakettle, tumbling right into the moat in front of the castle! Splash!"

Erin erupted into applause. "Yay!"

"The castle guards immediately ran to the moat and pulled the dog out of the water and arrested him. True to his word, the banana had indeed saved the day. Queen Erin was overjoyed that the murderous dog had done no harm to any of her people, and she was very grateful to the talking banana for his quick thinking and for sacrificing his peel. Of course she didn't eat him, and instead she awarded him a medal of bravery, and after that she gave him a job. As a judge in the court of a-peels."

B.J. groaned inwardly.

"And… let's see, what else? Oh, the dog was taken to prison, where he was treated well, considering he'd tried to kill people, and the best part was he didn't have to go back to King Frank Burns' village. And all of the people in Queen Erin's queendom lived happily ever after. The end."

Erin clapped again, grinning up at Hawkeye, admiration and adoration clear on her face. B.J. knew just how she felt. She said, "That was a really fun story, Hawkeye—I loved it. Thank you."

Bending over to give her a kiss on the forehead, Hawkeye said, "You're welcome. But now it is time for you to go to sleep, young miss. No more stalling."

"Yes sir."

Hawkeye got up from the bed and B.J. quickly ducked out of sight, not wanting to be spotted by his daughter, who really did need to get to sleep. He merely sank back into the shadows of the hallway and waited while Hawkeye snapped off the lamp, whispered, "Good night" to their daughter, and shut the door as he left the room.

In the hallway, Hawkeye turned and then jumped a little when he saw B.J. lurking. Putting a hand over his heart, he breathed, "Holy shit, Beej, you scared me. What are you doing?"

Without saying a word, B.J. moved to him, pulling him in, arms going around his waist, face burrowing into his neck. Hawkeye seemed a little baffled, but as always he was eager to touch and be touched, and his own hands rubbed at B.J.'s back as he brought them even closer together. "What's this for?"

"In appreciation of a very good story," B.J. murmured, and then he gave Hawkeye an open-mouthed, deeply satisfying kiss that hinted of much more. They moaned in unison. When they parted, he traced Hawkeye's jawline with his thumb and looked into his eyes, saying, "Heroic bananas and stuck-up queens and depressed dogs… where do you come up with these things?"

Hawkeye gave a nonchalant shrug. "She inspires me."

"And you—" B.J. said with an impish grin, "you inspire me." He reluctantly stepped back, out of the embrace, tugging on Hawkeye's hand and tilting his head. "C'mon, Hawk, let's go to bed."

Hawkeye returned the smile as he let himself be led down the hall to their bedroom. "Well well," he said with a tease in his voice, "I guess fantasies do come true."

"One happy ending deserves another," B.J. promised as he yanked Hawkeye into the bedroom and shut the door behind them.