Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright infringement intended.

This one is a bit shorter because I really had to end it where it ended... Don't hate me. :)

My apologies that it took so long to post again. Academics and work have taken over my life. Hopefully I'll be on track now. :) Enjoy!

Chapter 5: Hold My Hand

"Mr. Kinney?" I glanced up at the unexpected intrusion and tried to put on a more professional expression. Cynthia did not need to be aware of my most recent excursion to my first counseling session and work was not the place to be thinking about it anyway.

"Yes?" My response came out sharp, almost annoyed and I forced myself to reign back a bit. I needed to relax or my work day was going to be hell. I had talked to Lindsey not long after I had left the counseling center but there was no news on Melanie's condition. I could hear the tension in her tone, the pain at the thought of her life partner being diagnosed with such a terrible disease was obvious in her voice. I knew how hard it was, the pain, the shock, all of it. I had never been weaker than when I was diagnosed, except, maybe, in the moment Justin had walked into my life.

"You have a meeting in about 15 minutes with the Art department concerning the Sony account and the Sony group will be here in an hour." I checked my watch and stood up quickly, gathering together the papers I had been looking at before I had drifted off into my own head. I was suddenly very grateful for Cynthia's reminder and the fact that she had the decency to keep tabs on me, helping me keep my schedule. These accounts were extremely important and I had to focus.

Now was not the time to be slacking or distracted. The economy was hard enough as it was, pushing people into bankruptcy faster than I could blink, and that meant I had to be at the top of my game if I wanted to keep this company afloat.

"Thank you, Cynthia." She nodded and disappeared back to her desk. This was going to be an interesting day and I did not have time to think about my morning activities. I had spent far too much time away from the office as it was. I stopped just for a moment, taking a second to soak in the painting of Gus and I that Justin had created that now hung in my office. I smiled and slipped on my game face.

Time to work some Brian Kinney magic, Sonny Boy.

xXx

I stared at Emmett as he bounced around in his seat in utter excitement. I suppose that meant he had said yes to Drew's proposal. He looked too happy to have said no. I wasn't too sure about the idea though. They hadn't been back together that long and I still wasn't sure how I felt about Drew. I tried not to let my thoughts leak into my expression as I grinned, taking Emmett's hand in mine.

"Aw, Em, that's fantastic! When did he propose and when is the wedding?" He grinned back, his exuberance wonderful yet worrying. I didn't want one of my best friends to get hurt.

"He proposed a week ago at this amazing restaurant with the help of the staff and, oh Justin, it was so beautiful. I cried when he got down on one knee! I just couldn't keep back the emotion. I didn't even expect it but I'm so happy!" I could see a few of the restaurant patrons glaring at us with disapproving looks and I glared right back, daring them to interrupt my friends happiness. They could get over their posh bullshit for a few minutes as Emmett celebrated.

"That's great, Em! Are you going to plan it yourself?" That would be difficult. Weddings were not small affairs in most cases. Knowing Emmett, it would be the biggest event of the year, trumping Christmas and New Years without any effort at all. He couldn't plan all of that on his own and experience being a groom at the same time, though I wouldn't put it past him to try.

"Well, I'll put in my thoughts and ideas. My planning may be used for some things but I think I'm going to have Kegan plan it for me. I trust her, after all the work she has put into our business, I know she is capable. Plus, I've already talked about my future wedding so much that I'm sure she has it all memorized by now." He was right about that. Kegan had been a fantastic choice on Emmett's part for his company. She knew just about as much as he did about wedding planning and was just as good at planning them. They made a great pair as business partners.

"I'd imagine it would be difficult to do it all on your own. I'm glad Kegan is willing to help plan. She will be perfect for you." I sat back as the waiter walked up with our food and waited until he had left us alone again to continue to conversation while we ate.

"I'm so happy for you, Em. I know how long you've wanted something serious like this and Drew is a great guy." I dug into the food in front of me, practically starving after all the time that had past since I had last ate in the morning. It had been a few hours at least and I was a growing guy. I needed sustenance constantly.

"So, that's not all... I wanted to ask... would you do me the honor of being my Maid of Honor?" I had to chuckle at request. Maid of honor? He looked completely serious as he watched me, waiting for my answer.

"Sure, but can't I be the best man or something? Why say maid of honor when I'm obviously a guy?" He smiled at my reluctance but there was a determination in his eyes. I bit back a groan of frustration. He was going to make me the maid of honor. I didn't have a choice.

"Drew and I decided that we wanted to go about this as any normal couple would and since he is obviously the 'big, burly man' in this situation, he wanted to be the 'groom' and have a best man. I, on the other hand, chose to be the 'bride'-groom and have my maids of honor." I sat back, digesting this particular piece of information. Wait a minute...

"Maids... as in... plural?" Emmett nodded with a smile and I fervently hoped he hadn't chosen Brian as a part of that group. He would already hate that Emmett was having a traditional wedding. Yet, at that moment, I would have given anything to hear my partner, my lover, propose once more. I sighed and pushed that thought away. I had a best friend to focus on right now.

"Not Brian, don't worry. I know how he is. I do have to tell Teddy about this though and then ask him. I can't have my wedding without him. I was also thinking I would ask Michael. That makes three of you." Emmett smiled again, nibbling at his food without much gusto, which wasn't very Emmett-like.

"Is everything okay, Em? I mean, you're barely eating." I dug into my food once more, scooping up the rest of it and popping it into my mouth, savoring the flavor as I watched my friend nibble a bit more before coming up with a response.

"I have to watch my figure, you know, so I look real good in that tux on my wedding day." I chuckled at his answer, knowing that Emmett would never gain weight a day in his life. I had seen this man plow through pints of ice cream, pounds of candy, and a shit ton of milkshakes but, no matter what, he was a thin as a rail. That would never change.

"That's ridiculous, Em, and you know it. You've never gained a pound in your life." He chuckled and nodded in agreement. He knew, just like I did, that he would look great for this wedding and it would be done in typical Emmett fashion.

"Well, now that we've gotten that little bit of information out... how are things going for you, hon?" I had kept Emmett up to date on the mess that was Brian and I but I couldn't fill him in on the choice Brian and I had made. Brian would never forgive me if I told anyone else that he was in counseling. I didn't want to fuck this up if it had the chance of helping.

"Things have been worse and better. After the last fight he's been pretty attentive. Of course, you know how that goes. I suppose we'll see how it all works out this time. I don't know how much longer I can do this, Em. We are, literally, trying the last resort which was something I thought we'd never get to." The roles had switched and Emmett was obviously worried about me. He continued to tell me that Brian would never change but there had been so much good mixed with so much bad. I just couldn't forget the love he had shown me before I had left for New York.

I never should have left in the first place. I had known it then and I knew it now but the decision had been made and Brian had done what he always did; what he thought was best for me. I didn't want to bring down the happy news Emmett had released to me but I couldn't help it. Brian was always in the forefront of my mind, my constant companion.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I know it's tough but, Justin, as much as I love that you love him... Brian just isn't capable of it. You could have anyone you wanted and you continue to beat yourself against a wall to get to Brian. What if he never gets things right?" The waiter stopped by again, dropping off our check and Emmett grabbed it before I could make my move. Although, now that I thought about it, maybe Emmett was on an equal playing field with Brian and I financially, especially if Drew was in the picture. That man made millions every year playing football.

"I have thought about that so many times, Em. Yet, each time I end up back with him. I can't leave him, not when I am so aware of what he capable of. I know he has it in him, to love. I just know it. I've seen it... before I left, before he promised me that things would be okay if I left. I love him, Em." I looked away, glancing around the restaurant as I tried to pull myself together. I was too emotional about it, too invested. I would shatter if I lost him and I would shatter him if I pushed too hard.

"I know, sweetie, I know. Come on, let's go for a walk, okay?" I smiled, glad that Emmett was willing to distract me for a little while. I needed a distraction from my life, from his constant presence on my mind.

xXx

"Justin!" I called out, as I pulled open the door to the loft, dropping my briefcase by my desk and turning around in search of my blue eyed lover. I didn't see him within my line of sight but what I did see didn't sooth my nerves. Mikey stood up from one of the bar stools, his eyes wild with confusion and upset. He looked like a lost puppy. I did not want to deal with this shit right now.

"Brian, thank god, you're back," his tone was whiny and I almost took a step back as he advanced towards me.

"Why the fuck are you here, Mikey?" He stopped, a hurt expression on his face. I fervently wished Justin would walk through the door at any moment so I could kick Mikey out. I was tired and it was obvious whatever my unwelcome visitor had to say was not going to make me feel any better.

"I-I... Mel and Lindz called. They told me about Mel and I just can't stop worrying about JR. Did you know about this?" I sighed and skirted around him so I could grab a short glass and pour myself a shot. I did not need this right now. All I needed was a quick drink, or three, and my blond lover.

"Of course I knew, Mikey. Now, why are you here and where the hell is Justin?" I didn't sound so angry anymore. I was merely resigned to the fact that he probably wasn't going to leave until I answered him. My head snapped up as the loft door suddenly slid open to reveal Justin, his expression a bit confused.

"Hey Michael, everything okay?" He glanced over at me, the worry in his expression a bit more intense then it should have been considering what Mikey wanted to discuss. He obviously wanted to talk about my morning. Was I willing to do that? Did I have a choice?

Stop being such a pussy, Kinney. This is not the time to act like some lesbionic moron.

I downed my drink, knocking it back in one shot and letting the burn register, a pleasant feeling in my mind. I grabbed the bottle and poured another shot as Justin walked into the loft, pulling off his jacket and sitting down with Mikey. I could hear them talking as I downed my next drink.

"Everything is not okay! Mel might have cancer and then I worry about JR and how that will affect her. Brian doesn't seem to give a shit!" Mikey glared back at me before turning back to Justin to complain some more. Did he think I was going to take that lying down? Fucker.

"It's not that I don't give a shit, Michael! For once I actually care about what happens to that Nazi bitch! I'm just not going to cry over it and freak out about it. That's the last thing the carpet munchers need. Believe me! I know. Been there, fucking done that." I huffed and let my body drop into a chair about a foot away from the two men as Michael stared at me in shock. Justin just shook his head and looked away. What the hell? I was just being honest. Michael stood up, his expression growing angry as he glared at me for a moment before heading towards the door.

"I see, so you just sit there and be an asshole about it while I go worry about my daughter! Do you even care what happens to Gus?" I thought about responding to that but the loft door slid shut before I could yell back at him. How dare he think I didn't care about my son?

"Brian, what the hell is wrong with you?" I watched as Justin stood from the couch, the disappointed look still in his eyes, and moved to the kitchen to grab something. I stood to follow him, to hold him. I had wanted him here when I had arrived and now he was here. I glanced at the bottle of scotch, torn between grabbing another drink so I could get a buzz going and getting to hold my Sunshine. Which did I want more?

I stepped past the bottle and slid my arms around Justin, burying my nose in neck and inhaling the familiar scent of my lover. He was so unassuming, so young, but he had cut through me in those first moments of our meeting without me even realizing it. What made him so strong on the inside? I wish I knew. All of a sudden he was twisting out of my arms and backing away, his expression unhappy.

"There is nothing wrong with me, Justin. I just didn't expect to come home to a whiney best friend and no Sunshine. I needed you here and instead I got Michael." I took a step towards him, holding out my arms in a very un-Kinney-like way, wishing he hadn't stepped away from my embrace. I was too sentimental, too mixed up. This was harder than I thought it was going to be.

"He was upset, Brian, and rightfully so. Cancer is not something most people have to deal with very often and it's not an easy disease. He has every right to worry about JR, just as you have every right to worry about Gus. What would it be like for him to see his mom go through chemo when he is so young? Have you even thought about how it could effect him emotionally?" I dropped my arms as I considered his words. Yes, I had worried about Gus but that didn't mean I needed to openly queen out about it. I wasn't like Mikey or Emmett or Lindsey. I was going to stay calm because I know that was how I wanted people to be when I had cancer, which was why I tried not to tell anyone about it.

"Of course I worry about Gus but being calm is more help then being so irrational and freaked out. Listen, Mikey is my best friend but sometimes I just can't handle his emotional states and today is a day where I just don't want to deal with it. Is that so wrong?" I took another step towards him and was glad that he chose to stand still this time. I never wanted him to run away from me or deny me. It just made things harder.

"No, that's not wrong but they way you went about it was. Why were you drinking anyway? You realize that when you drink you only get worse, right?" I took another step towards him so that I could reach out and touch him at this point. God how I wanted to touch him, those crystal clear blue eyes, that pale skin... I would never grow tired of it. Of this much I was certain.

"I'm almost 36 years old, Justin. I think I'm allowed to have a drink every once in a while and I'm sorry about what I did to Mikey." I lowered my voice and took a step closer before sliding my arms around him, pulling him tighter against me. I inhaled his scent again, resting my head on his and relaxing into his touch. This was what I wanted. I heard him sigh but he didn't back away, instead he slid his arms around my waist and hugged me tightly.

"How was counseling?" His question was whispered and quiet. It was obvious that he was nervous to even ask but it made sense that he was curious. Could I tell him about it? Did I want to?

That answer was simple. Yes, I wanted to tell him, just so somebody knew. He was the only one I trusted not to go and blab it to every one else in our group of friends. He would keep my secrets, especially concerning this. I pulled away from him reluctantly and made my way towards the bedroom. He wasn't far behind me, sitting down beside me on the edge of the bed.

"We don't have to talk about it if you don't want-" He started.

"I want to." I cut him off and he smiled, that wonderfully bright Sunshine smile he was infamous for. God, I loved this man. I scoffed at my own mental declaration. I needed to tone that shit down. Justin took my hand, rubbing soothing circles into the back of it, his touch creating other, distracting, sensations.

"Did you like her?" I smiled in gratitude at his use of questions. I didn't even know where to begin. I took a deep breath, wishing for once that I hadn't had those few shots. It was creating a fuzzy edge in my head that wasn't making this any easier.

"Well, no, but yes. She... she had the no-nonsense, no-bullshit attitude and it was like she could see right through whatever I tried to throw at her. She told me that if I didn't want this that I should stop wasting her time and get out of her office." I chuckled at the thought of her stubbornness. It was impressive. Most people didn't even bother trying to stand up to me. Justin chuckled as well, encouraging me with another smile.

"She asked me why I was there and I told her. She also asked me about when you left for New York and when you came back and she wanted to know why I felt the way I did about it. Then she asked about me and who I saw myself as. I told her the basics; age, job title, and whatever else. She said that wasn't what she wanted. Then she asked me about my parents." Justin grimaced, his expression a mixture of frustration and anger at the mention of parents. Neither of us had had our fair share of good fortune with our parents. At least, in his case, he still had Mother Taylor. I had been rejected by both my parents a long time ago.

"I didn't really want to talk about them but she said that they affected who I am today so that meant I had to explore that with her as well. We made an appointment for next week and that's it I guess." I had thought about going into more detail but for some reason it had come out as more of a summary than an explanation of my emotions. I didn't do emotions well and this was no exception.

"Brian, can I ask you another question?" Here goes nothing. I sighed, wrapping my hand around his for comfort.

"Of course, Sunshine. What did you want to know?" His crystal blue gaze met mine, his expression openly curious.

"How did you feel exactly when I left? Did you want me to leave?" He had chosen one of the most difficult questions to ask but that didn't surprise me as much as I thought it would. Justin always knew how to get to the heart of the matter. I looked away from his waiting gaze and glanced around the room, wishing I knew exactly how to explain all of it without hurting him in the process.

"I wanted you to experience your life on your own. I wanted you to be successful and know that you could do that all on your own. That's why I wanted you to go but that doesn't mean..." I stopped my explanation, trying to think of what I could say that would be truest to how I was feeling at that moment. I felt a soft pair of lips kiss my neck and firm hand turned my face towards him so he could kiss me gently. I could feel my body react with an overpowering need to touch him, all of him. He pulled back, our breathing heavy.

"You don't have to explain if you don't want to." He whispered and I could tell he was being honest with me. He loved me, trusted me, and I was sure he knew that his departure had been hard on both of us but I wanted to tell him. It just wasn't easy to do.

"That doesn't mean," I whispered, "that it didn't hurt to watch you leave. It was like a part of me was ripped out and it went with you. It brought up all of... all of the memories of when you decided to be with Ethan. Fuck, I sound like a carpet muncher with all this sentimental bull shit." Justin chuckled at my sudden departure from the tense moment between us. I pulled him to me, kissing him hard on and immediately seeking entrance into his mouth. Our tongues battled against each other and he moaned, pushing me down onto the bed and rolling on top of me.

I could feel the entire length of his body pressed down on mine, his clothes giving way to soft pale skin under my hands. He pulled away, panting and I pulled him down so I could reach his neck. Without warning, I flipped him over, trapping him between myself and the bed. I could feel his hands sliding up under my shirt and tugging insistently before I lifted my arms so he could remove it.

I quickly followed suit, tossing his clothes onto the floor to be picked up at a later time. I ran my hands down his chest, swirling my tongue around one nipple as I wrapped my hand around his waiting cock. He groaned at slight touch and I let go to move back up and kiss him again.

"Tease," he huffed as I backed away from a moment to grab a condom and lube. I turned back with a smile and placed both items in his hand, kissing him gently on the lips. He looked up at me with wide eyes, his expression confused.

"Come on, Sunshine. I haven't got all night. Well, that's not true. I plan on fucking you all night." My tone was seductive as I whispered in his ear. I felt him shudder beneath me before I rolled over and pulled him towards me. Suddenly he moved, taking control of the situation. I had surprised him but he was obviously happy with my choice. It wasn't a choice I made very often. I watched, studying the man I loved as he put on the condom. I took him back into my arms with a searing kiss.

"I love you, Justin," I whispered without a thought behind it. Sentimental or not, it was true. The way his expression lit up at my words was worth all the 'I love you's' I could ever say.

"I love you, too," he whispered back.

xXx

The phone was loud in the silent loft, a insistent sound that roused me as I tried to ignore it so I could sleep just a tiny bit longer. My weekend had been long, having spent all Friday working on my art, all Saturday being fucked by Brian in various spots around the loft, and most of Sunday playing with Gus at Britin and trying to distract Lindsey and Mel from their worries. Monday was my day to lay in bed all day and just relax but the phone just kept getting louder, cutting into my unconsciousness.

"Okay, okay." I grumbled at it as I dragged myself out of bed, shivering in the chill outside of the covers. Sleeping naked was fantastic for a few different reasons until one had to get up in the morning.

I didn't bother with clothes, hoping it would be a quick call so I could jump back into bed. I grabbed the phone, rubbing my eyes and yawning.

"Justin?" A familiar, alert voice came through the line. I smiled at the sound of Brian's voice.

"Who else would it be? Everything okay?" I inquired, trying to keep another yawn out of my voice. I glanced back towards the bed, wishing the phone were closer to it so I could lay down again.

"Mel got her results." I straightened up, going on full alert as his words sunk in. They must have called him at work. I shut my eyes, squeezing them tight and praying for the best outcome. Please tell me she's going to be okay...

"Is she going to be... okay?" There was a tense pause on the other end of the phone as I waited with baited breath. Were our friends going to be okay?