Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk. No copyright infringement intended.

I've never posted a Queer as Folk story on here, though I've written a few. I never felt they deserved to see the light of day. Sometimes my writing just doesn't appeal the way I want it to. This one holds some promise in my eyes so if you like it, let me know and maybe this will turn into the epic I'm envisioning. :) Happy reading!

Chapter 1: Lost in a Moment

"Promise me?" He didn't demand it like he usually did. His tone was just a whisper in the dark room that was starting to close in on me, pushing him further away. His expression told me things were coming to an end once more. I was fucking up, again, and I could tell he was sick of it. I wanted to know if there was another Ethan somewhere in the back round of our dramatic play but I kept my mouth shut, knowing it would only make it worse. Would I survive this one?

"Justin... We've talked about this a million times, we've fought about this even more. I'm done. Now get in bed." I could see it all break apart in his eyes, my words literally hurt him but I couldn't be what he wanted. I just couldn't. I pulled up the covers but he shook his head, the unshed tears glinting in the light at the edge of the bed.

"Seriously? What are you going to do, sleep on the couch?" I quirked an eyebrow at him, hoping he would forgive my short comings and lay down beside me before it all fell apart. He didn't move for a short while, his teary eyes watching me very carefully. I kept my mask up, like I always did. I didn't know how to let it down the way he wanted me to. He sniffled quietly and then grabbed his backpack, stuffing a few articles of clothing in it and slipping his shoes on.

"For God's Sake, Justin." I spoke vehemently, fed up with his childish bull shit. We were both grown adults, couldn't he start to act like one at some point?

"No, Brian. I'm leaving. I'll be at Debbie's if you need me. Which I doubt you will." The last part was spoken under his breath but I could hear it just as clearly as if he had yelled it at me. The tears had spilled over at this point. I almost, almost, got out of bed and dragged him back to me but something held me back as I watched him open the door and slam it shut. I shuddered, dropping back onto the bed with a sigh.

This... this boy meant more to me than anyone else but he refused to accept what I was offering. I didn't have the capacity to love the way he wanted me to. My own family history was testament to my stunted growth emotionally. No matter how much I wanted to give him everything his spoiled heart desired, I couldn't and I hated myself for that.

Since when had the Brian Kinney ever doubted or hated himself? Well apparently I did now. I threw the covers off, knowing sleep wasn't going to happen at this point, and slid out of bed with a groan. I was too tired for this shit but it wasn't like I could sleep without him around. After all this time, he had wormed his way into my sleeping pattern, and my life, of all things. I padded over to the fridge and grabbed the pint of Cherry Garcia that Justin had left in there, adding a spoon to it before I finally lowered myself down onto my expensive white leather couch.

Carbs after 7pm... tisk tisk, Kinney.

"Shut up." I growled, turning on the T.V. to drown out my own thoughts as they berated me. My life was a complete lie, a fabrication that I had created so very long ago to protect myself from assholes like Jack and Joan Kinney. I didn't need them in the life I had created but when people like Justin came along my defenses were useless and I knew they only served to push away the one person I actually wanted in my life. I stared at the re-run of I Love Lucy without really comprehending it. It wasn't what mattered at the moment.

This is not you. Snap out of it. You're turning into some soppy hetero-fag like the rest of them.

"Shut up, would you?" My thoughts calmed for a moment but I knew they would only give me so long to be this way before I was shoved back into the fabrication of who I was. Then I would pour myself a drink and get so drugged up that I couldn't see straight, let alone think of anything important.

The real question was, how to make Justin understand that I really was trying and the only reason I was trying was for him. I popped another spoonful of Cherry Garcia in my mouth and savored the taste. It reminded me of the way Justin would taste after he ate some and then kissed me. I groaned and shoved that memory away. That wasn't helping. The television screen blurred slightly and blinked quickly to clear it.

Time to wake up you fucking hetero-fag. Brian Kinney is baaaacckk. I didn't argue. Brian Kinney did not cry, not over some bullshit like this. I stood up, returned the ice cream to the fridge, poured myself a drink, and got dressed for some overdue clubbing. Babylon was calling and I couldn't exactly let the club I owned go unwatched, especially when there were so many beautiful twinks to be fucked there. I downed another shot of Beam, grabbed the poppers, and made my way to the 'vette.

xXx

The tears were all dried up by the time I pulled up to Debbie's. The lights were out and the house looked almost haunted in the streetlight. I shivered and forced myself to grab my bag before exiting the vehicle. I locked the car, looking around at the practically empty street as I hurried up the steps. I knocked as loud as I dared and adjusted my back pack as the front hall light turned on. The curtain pulled back and Debbie's face appeared, obviously suspicious, before breaking out into a smile. She retreated and then the door was being swung wide open as she bade me to enter.

"Sunshine! What're you doin' here to so late?" I shrugged half-heartedly as she threw her arms around me and practically squeezed the air out of my lungs. I coughed slightly when she let go and waved me into the kitchen.

"Deb, I need a place to crash for the night." I couldn't get my voice any higher than just above a whisper. I knew Carl was here somewhere and I didn't want to wake him, though that was only part of the problem. I was too choked up to speak normally anyway. I felt a bit like my heart was being torn in half. Why did this have to be so complicated?

"Of course, Sunshine. You know you're welcome here anytime." She sat down next to me and placed a sandwich in my line of sight. Deb was fully aware that I could never pass up a chance to eat, no matter what I was going through. I smiled at her, a sad smile, but at least it was a start.

"Now, tell me what happened. You know I'll figure it out eventually if you don't." I chuckled though the sound was without humor as I picked up the sandwich and shoved about half of it in my mouth at once, effectively keeping me from saying a word.

"I knew I should have withheld that until I got you to spill." She muttered before grabbing a glass of milk for me. Once I finally managed to to swallow the bite I had shoved into my mouth Deb placed her hand over mine.

"You don't have to tell me right now, Sunshine. We can talk about it tomorrow. You're old room is still set up so if you'd like to crash there, you can. Don't feel like you have to find somewhere else to stay tomorrow either. You can stay here as long as ya like." She hugged me gently this time and then stood to return to her bed.

"Thanks, Deb." I called out to her. She stopped, watching me thoughtfully for a moment.

"He'll come around, Sunshine. I just know it. Hang in there." There was no hesitation in her tone as she advised me to hold on just a bit longer. I was so tired though, so sick and tired of all the bullshit. It was like, after I left, he'd reverted back to where we'd started. Why had I come back anyway?

"Oh, right, because I fucking love the bastard," I whispered as I washed my plate and headed up to bed. It was true. I still loved Brian; I would always love him. It wasn't something I could let go of, not now, not ever. He was the one for me and sometimes I thought he felt the same way but ever since I came back it had been a constant struggle to get him to open up again. He had even started going to Babylon again, which he had stopped doing for a while before I'd left for New York.

The sad part was, we had agreed, together, that I should go. He wanted me to be my own man and I had agreed, reluctantly, that he was right. We would always love each other, we both knew that, even now, but I hadn't expected things to become what they were. Never in a million years had I thought he would have let me leave if it hurt him this badly to do so. I had hurt him by my departure even though he had promised me it was mutual.

I stripped down, pulled on some pajamas, and flopped down in my bed with a loud sigh. I was being melodramatic, call it the princess in me, but I couldn't help it. I had been waiting for his proposal for so long that when we had both agreed to give it up I had thought maybe some day he would renew the offer. He hadn't returned the rings, at least, not before I left. I had yet to see them since I had returned about six months ago. My thoughts wound around the unforgettable day.

"Brian?" My voice was shaky in my post-coital glow. He was just as good at getting me off with words as he was when we were physically together.

"Yes, Sunshine?" He sounded just as satiated as I felt. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him but soon it wouldn't be an issue if he agreed to what I was about to ask.

"I want to come home. I've made my way into the art world, established myself as an artist but Pittsburgh is where I belong and I was wondering if you would let me come home... to you, instead of a single bedroom apartment." I had started off strong but ended in a whisper. I was so afraid he would say no which didn't make any sense since I knew he missed me just as much as I missed him.

"I'm not going to stop you from coming home, Justin." His response was frank, any trace of happiness vanished. I frowned. That wasn't the answer I'd been hoping for. He sounded so cold, almost afraid. I sighed.

"I just... I mean... I can get my own place or whatever." I heard him grumbling, frustrated now. I couldn't tell if it was with me or with himself. Most likely it was the former.

"Justin. I want you here. I always want you here." His tone had softened considerably and I grinned. He sounded like he had when he'd asked me to marry him. Kind, loving, and so un-Brian-like yet I enjoyed it all the same. He had changed a lot over the years I'd known him. I was sure two years absence would only bring us closer once we were together again. Who knows, maybe we'd even get married for real.

I snorted, pulling myself away from the now tainted memory. It was no longer a point of joy to think of marriage, a marriage that would obviously never happen.

It wasn't that Brian slept with other men because it seemed he had given up on that once that bomb had gone off at Babylon but it was like he was hiding from me. He kissed me, loved me, fucked me, hugged me, held me, touched my heart in ways no one else could, but I could feel the distance, the careful distance he kept as though I would walk out at any moment. He wasn't the confident man I'd once known. He drank more than he ever had before and the drugs were just as prevalent.

Had my departure changed him so much that he was that afraid of losing me? I had promised him over and over that I would never leave him again. I had learned my lesson after Ethan and, after that, the bomb had sealed the deal. I loved Brian irrevocably but he didn't seem to believe me and in turn the shield he kept up made our relationship cold, unfeeling. It was a mere shadow of what I'd known only two years earlier.

Brian, what are you so afraid of?

xXx

It had been hard to start up Babylon again after the bomb, convincing the gay community that it was safe to be there and be queer. Yet, after about six months of renovation and a hell of a good job advertising, the place was pretty much back to normal. Life went on, as it always did, at Babylon. The thumpa thumpa could never truly be beaten down in a community such as ours.

I downed my last shot of Beam and cut myself off, knowing if I drank anymore that I'd be unable to drive, not that it had ever stopped me before. Yet, something about the way Justin had left tonight had been holding me back, dragging me away from the things that made me forget. He had always been one of the best at getting me to face my mistakes and shortcomings. Of course, I was, as always, the ever unwilling pupil in his teachings.

I pulled the poppers out of my pocket, stared at them and then placed them back in my pocket with a defeated sigh. It looked like I would be relatively sober tonight and all alone. I glanced around at the gyrating crowd and tried to muscle up some desire to fuck one of them but I couldn't. There was no passion to those quick fucks or blow jobs, no secret smiles or sweet kisses. It was all a part of the fabrication and there were some parts of me I just couldn't fabricate anymore.

Face it... You're whipped. Fucking pussy. I almost spoke aloud to the annoying voice in my head but thought better of it since I was no longer in the privacy of my own home. I caught a young, blond haired, twink checking me out and I turned away. I already had the blond haired twink I wanted and he had left me alone in bed not too long ago. I really didn't need to be here at the moment so I saluted Teddy a goodbye and headed back out into the night. There were better places to be, places were I was actually needed and... loved.

Fucking pansy. I growled quietly but let it go. My thoughts were not cooperating with me tonight.

xXx

A quiet knock on the window had me jolting up out of bed at the ungodly hour of... I glanced at the clock... two in the morning. Well that wasn't so bad. I turned to see who was waking me up using the window when there was clearly a front door that could be used. I could see familiar brown hair but the face was hidden by the window sill. I slid out of bed, shivering outside of the warm covers, and opened the window as quietly as I could.

It wasn't too surprising when Brian's face appeared just where the sill was.

"Come home." He whispered, his tone almost desperate. Why was he hanging outside my window to tell me this? The drop was pretty far and the last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt.

"Okay, okay. I'll meet you outside in a minute if you promise me you'll get down from there. Safely!" I whispered back. He nodded in agreement and began his decent down while I shut the window, packed up, and made my way down the stairs. Deb either didn't wake up or chose not to get up when I left. I walked out, without making too much noise, to find Brian waiting for me at the end of the sidewalk by my car.

He didn't look intoxicated but I could never tell with him until he started talking. Why else would he have climbed two stories, without liquid courage, just to get me to come home. I stopped a few feet away and crossed my arms.

"What are you doing here, Brian?" I sounded like a whining child, even to myself. I shook my head in disgust at my own attitude. I needed just as much help as he did.

"I want you to come home with me... please?" He looked up at me, holding me captive in his eyes. I couldn't say no to him. I had never really been able to. It was a part of the power he had over me. There was something holding me to him though, the pain and desperation in his eyes was something I hadn't seen since I'd left. Those final moments together had held the same amount of desperation and love in them as was in his expression now. He, for some reason, had let his walls down just for the moment.

"Brian, why wont you let me in? What did I do wrong?" My words came out in a whisper as I stepped toward him. I wanted my Brian back, the one who'd told me he loved me two years ago, the one who was confident in himself and his life. I could see the struggle in his expression as I finally reached him and wrapped my arms around him. I held his gaze, unwilling to let this moment go.

"I-I... it's not you, Sunshine. All my fault..." He mumbled. It was easy to see those words hadn't been articulated easily. He wasn't the type to let people see the darker side of him, the broken side.

"Let's go home." He didn't let go of me as we made our way to his car, his arm tight around my waist. I felt his lips on my cheek before he finally separated from me so that I could get in the passengers side of the car. As soon as we had gotten ourselves buckled in, he took my hand in his.

The car ride home was silent. He didn't take us to the loft, which was where we usually stayed. Instead we drove the forty minutes out to Britin, the empty fields around us a reminder of just how isolated we were. If it had been any other day, I wouldn't have minded but tonight was emotional enough. I didn't want the reminder of two year's past in my head all night as we slept.

As he pulled into the garage, he let go of my hand with obvious hesitation and got out of the car, waiting for me to follow suit. He grabbed my bag from the back seat for me and made his way towards the house, unlocking the door and holding it open for me to enter. I smiled in gratitude, recalling the first day he'd brought me here. How surprising it had all been, the secrecy, the silence, and all the questions on my part. None of it had made any sense up until he'd told me that the mansion of a house was for us. Us. I sighed into the darkness of the large foyer. I had never felt more alone.

xXx

It felt like a whole different world when we came here, a place where I could open up and tell him how I truly felt. I had done so a few times before in this house made just for the two of us. Seeing him come out of Deb's house, his eyes red, body sagging in exhaustion had been like a stab to the heart. I had done that to him, my idiocy had done that to the one person I truly cared about.

I could feel all the chaos of the past six months rising in my chest, ripping me in two right before his eyes and there was no way to hide it, no way to protect myself from such searing pain. I could see it in the way he walked towards me, in the way he spoke, that the war within me was painfully obvious. As soon as he had placed his arms around me, to love, to comfort, I had latched on as if to never let go.

I closed the front door and watched in silence as my personal sunshine looked around and sighed. There was no joy in his face, no youthful innocence. What had happened to my beautiful Sunshine? That's right- I had happened. I dropped the keys into my pocket and wrapped my arms around him, pressing my lips against his soft pink ones. Once, twice I kissed him before he began to respond, unable to resist what I was offering. I reached up and cupped the back of his neck, pulling him closer until I could feel the salty tears that were making wet paths down his cheeks.

I led him upstairs slowly, without quite breaking our embrace or our kisses. I could feel my heart beating to the rhythm of his shallow breaths. The door to the master suite was already open and I closed it behind us as I led him towards the bed, slowly sliding his shirt up over his taunt stomach. As his knees hit the edge of the bed he sat down and looked up at me, eyes red, a smile at the ready.

"I love you," I whispered, without hesitation, without having planned on saying it. It was true though. I loved him, I would always love him. It didn't matter what I had gone through, how many times I had been beaten, how many men I'd fucked. All that mattered was him. That was all that had ever mattered, ever since the night he'd walked right into my fabrication of a life.

"I love you too, Brian." The open honesty in his eyes, the remaining unshed tears, the love shining from him had me pressing my lips to his once more, following him down onto the bed. I slid my hands gently through the soft blond hair. I held my hand to his chest, feeling his fluttering heartbeat against my fingers, matching my own beat perfectly.

With simple moves he tugged my shirt up and over my head before unbuckling my belt and tugging at my jeans. Before he could get any further, I slid his shirt over his head, kissing my way down his pale chest and unhooking his jeans before sliding them down to the floor. I wanted him to know, to really know, how I felt about him, how I couldn't live without him. I didn't get very far when he grabbed me and pulled me back up gently, serious blue eyes boring into mine.

"Fuck me, please." He demanded. I smiled, more than willing to give in to his demands, always willing to give in to his demands.

xXx

The bed shifted slightly as Brian came crawling in, completely naked, to lay beside me. His hair was soaking wet after the shower we had taken part in not long after he had made love to me on the bed. I had expected a hard fuck, as was normal, but it had been just the opposite. It had been a worship of each other, a slow, sensual, loving that made me want him all the more. His words had burned in his eyes as he had told me he loved me. The power behind those three words surged through me with an excitement I rarely felt these days.

Brian collapsed beside me, wrapping his arms around my torso and shutting his eyes. We were both exhausted. It was almost seven in the morning now and we had been up all night. Brian had already called Cynthia to tell her he wouldn't be in today at Kinnetik. She hadn't been pleased but he was the boss and she couldn't berate him too much. Justin could hear her as she did though and it had been hard to hold in the laughter at her words.

"Really, Brian, couldn't you learn to stay in once in a while? I mean, hell, I know you have to watch over your club but I can't run this place without you here! Responsibility can be a good thing sometimes!" Brian had, of course, blown her off, telling her that it was an emergency and that she was perfectly capable of handling his clients for the day. I had been forced to hold a pillow against my face to keep her from hearing me laugh.

Maybe it had been an emergency for Brian but me leaving wasn't anything new. Things had been rocky since I'd gotten back. I reached out and ran my fingers through his wet brown hair, tugging at it gently before merely running my fingers through it soothingly. We needed to talk, really talk, instead of arguing like we usually did. Maybe Britin would be our middle ground to hash this out. I snuggled down into his embrace, wrapping the covers around the both of us as I dozed off for a few hours. We would wake up when we were good and ready. Then, hopefully, we would talk this all out, if Brian didn't throw up his defenses by then.

xXx

"Sunshine... time to wake up..." I poked at him gently but there was no response. Justin was never good at waking up, no matter what time of day, but I had the perfect remedy. I slid under the covers, running my hands down his chest to his hips as I wrapped my mouth around his rapidly hardening cock. I heard a groan come from outside the cocoon of covers and a sleepy voice.

"Mmmm... Brian..." I 'hmmed' back and he shuddered. I knew what he liked. I listened with satisfaction as his breathing picked up, his hands balling up in the sheets, his groans turning into breathy words. His body shuddering under my expert tongue. I would do anything to hear the sounds coming out of him at this point.

"Don't- don't stop... Brian... Oh god!" His back arched just as the orgasm hit full force. Making sure he was clean enough, I crawled out from under the sheets, a cocky grin on my face to find a thoroughly happy and awake Sunshine looking back at me.

"Good morning, Sunshine. How was your nap?" I quirked an eyebrow at him and he laughed, a full out belly laugh, his whole face lighting up. I really needed to make him laugh like that more often.

"Wonderful though the wake up call was definitely the best part." I chuckled and nodded, sliding an arm around his shoulders and kissing him thoroughly before hopping out of bed and throwing on a pair of shorts.

"Time for breakfast." I beckoned to him as I made my way towards the hallway.

"But you just ate!" Justin called after me. I turned around and winked at him.

"But you haven't and we all know how you get when you haven't eaten. Come on!" I watched as he scooted to the edge of the bed, stood up, and stretched out with a yawn. I let my eyes wander shamelessly over my beautiful, blue eyed, lover. As soon as he caught me staring, he blushed and I laughed. Always so modest, even though I knew every nook and cranny of his lean body as if it were my own. He pulled on a pair of shorts and padded down the hall after me, taking my hand as he passed, and leading me down the stairs.

This is the way things should have been when he came back. Why couldn't life be this simple? Justin pushed me into one of the chairs at the bar, kissed me lightly on the lips, and slipped out of my grasp to get into the fridge. I watched in amusement as he began to hum to himself while preparing a breakfast of omelets and coffee. The sunlight streaming in warmed me considerably as he cooked, the smells wafting into my nose making my stomach growl loudly. Justin looked up with a grin.

"It seems someone didn't get enough this morning..." He trailed off suggestively and I laughed.

"It's afternoon now, Sunshine." He smiled but didn't try to fight my words. I was right anyway. I just liked to make fun of him and his mix-ups. I thanked him when an omelet appeared in front of me along with a hot cup of coffee. After a minute or two we were both walking over to the kitchen table to sit down and eat together. I burned my tongue on the omelet almost as soon as I got it into my mouth. Justin laughed at my surprised face.

"Izz hott!" I tried to explain. That only made him laugh harder.

"Well of course it's hot, dummy. It just came off a hot frying pan!" He blew gently on his own bite before placing it delicately in his mouth, a smug look on his face. It was childish but as soon as I was able to swallow my bite, I stuck my tongue out at him.

"How old are you now? 5?" He quipped back. I chuckled and went for a second bite of my breakfast, this time blowing on it before placing it in my mouth. Our banter felt so normal, so routine, and I was finding that I enjoyed far more than I ever would have thought. After a minute of comfortable silence, Justin put down his fork.

"Brian?" His tone had shifted considerably to something far more serious. I looked up, my first feeling being trepidation, the second being concern for Justin. He didn't sound happy anymore. He took my gaze as a sign to continue.

"We need to talk, about all of it, without the fighting or screaming or walking out. We can't keep this up. It just wont work the way we're doing it." He was right. If I wanted to keep him in my life, I had to tell him what was going on but did I even have the ability to do that? I glanced around the room, taking in the familiar comforts of our home. This was the safest place I could think of for a talk of this magnitude.

"Yes... yes, we do, Sunshine."