Clash of WarA/N: Prepare for sap. Yes, this is a sappy story in a way, but a different element of sap than a lot. It's not just Tobias and Rachel making goo-goo eyes at eachother, k?

What's harder, I wonder sometimes. Surviving war or surviving love?

I don't wallow in self pity.

Really, I don't! Or at least I don't think I do...

Okay, okay. Maybe I do... a little. But I try not to. That's got to count for something right?

I hope it does. Because whenever I think of Rachel, it's hard not to start ... well, wallowing.

My mind was going around in circles, as it often did when thinking about her.

Hawk. Human. They don't especially mix well Tobias. I told myself. Not exactly a successful Love Connection couple there.

Now what about Jake and Cassie? Ding ding ding. We have a winner, Johnny. Both love each other, or at least care for each other, deeply. And you know what the great part about this winning relationship is? Cassie and Jake are both human... Well reasonably human anyway.

< You're human too, Tobias.> Rachel's though-speak voice was in my head.

< Yaaah! > I shouted. I thought I had been thinking to myself ... obviously not. And I had been too distracted to notice the Bald Eagle overhead eyeing me. Rachel swooped down and landed on the branch I was perched on. It must have looked funny, two different predators, getting ready to start conversing silently on a branch together. Hanging out like they were planning a day of poker. Marco could have probably come up with a good crack for the scene. But Marco wasn't here, and I was still too surprised to think of anything at all to say, especially something witty.

< Thinking deep thoughts? > Rachel asked.

< Well...> I wondered if she had stopped by to go flying... < Not especially deep.> I admitted finally.

< Ah...> she said. She had a nervous sort of edge to her voice. Rachel can be loud, dangerous and wonderful, but she was rarely nervous. Or to be more correct, she rarely showed a nervous side to her. But I knew her.

< What's wrong, Rachel?> I asked.

< Nothing, nothing.> She assured, quickly.

< Nothing?> I asked, innocently.

< Nothing.> she confirmed.

< Nothing. Well. If it's nothing then maybe you wouldn't mind me asking what's really bothering you?>

She paused. < Tobias...> she paused again. I want you to be human again.> she blurted out.

I said nothing. So much for going flying, I thought, the human in me feeling a sinking sensation.

< It wouldn't be so bad, being a human nothlit. Really! You owe us all, as a team, nothing. Absolutely nothing. You've done more for this war than any of us. So much more. > she spoke with a passion. The sinking sensation I was getting deepened. I already knew what my answer would be to her little planned speech.

< Rachel...> I said kindly. < You know I have to keep fighting.> I sighed and began again. < I mean, this war...>

< Damn the war, Tobias!> she shouted suddenly. < You can't see past honor! You're a true Andalite in that way, and that isn't something to be proud of! You're going to let this pride that will bring you nothing get in the way of your happiness?! Get in the way of ... my happiness?>

< After the war is over,> I said, pretending I hadn't heard her, < I'll become a human nothlit. After this war. > It was what I always said in a soothing voice. And Rachel would always let it drop. But in all the previous arguments she had spoke with a certain lack of sincerity. She was a warrior, and as a warrior she understood me not wanting to run from a fight. Something must have changed her mind.

< No, Tobias.> she said. < Not after. What if there is no after? How long can we last in this daily life of paranoia and fear? All this insanity?>

< You sound like Marco.>

< I don't care!> she said and laughed. The laugh went straight to my heart, a stab of pain. I knew I couldn't do what she was asking. < Even if it means sounding like Marco, I can hardly stand the thought of you being hawk for always. You can't go on living like this.>

< I can try.>

< I don't want you to try! Can you honestly say that you prefer being a hawk to human? Even a human nothlit? Can you?!>

< Yes I can.> I said coldly.

< Then say it!> Rachel shouted. < Say that you'd prefer to be a hawk, up here in the sky, alone then be a human with me and the others. Say you'd rather be hawk than human.>

I said nothing. Saying it would make it ... so official. That hawk was my destiny, and that worse, I had chosen it.

< TOBIAS!>

< Leave.> I whispered.

< But...>

< This is my territory. Leave.>

She sent me a glare... Though it could have simply been the eagle's natural expression. She fluttered off the branch and soared away without saying a word.

She'd ask me again. I knew it. And after that, probably again. But I could never give her my answer, my decision. Only after this war was over would I really have a choice.