A/N: Way back when I posted ways to annoy Uther, someone told me I should point him towards the explicit fanfictions with Merlin/Uther. I admit, I thought they were kidding. But, out of curiosity, I took the filter off the other day. They weren't kidding. People actually write Merlin/Uther over there in the "M-rated world". Seriously. I can't… I just can't even… I…

*shakes head* I don't even know, y'all. I don't even know. Admittedly Uther and Merlin are kinda funny when you stick them together, because Uther loves the word "idiot" more than Arthur does, but still!

Also, this will be my last chapter. Tell me if you think I'm getting too nasty. I detest that dragon.

And the reason I added that bit at the end is this: Lists are not allowed to be chapters. So I need to make this a "story".

Thirty Ways to Annoy Kilgharrah

A Guide from the Expert

ONE. "Telling him he must protect Arthur at all cost, must make sure Arthur knows magic isn't evil, and then attacking Camelot doesn't seem the slightest bit hypocritical to you?"

TWO. Tell him he's the reason you thought Merlin/Arthur was a legitimate pairing at first.

THREE. Ask if the reason he condemns Morgana in season 2 is because Mergana would've made Merlin happy… And heaven forbid Merlin be happy.

FOUR. Capture him underneath a castle with a magic chain holding him down for 20 years. (AT YOUR OWN RISK.)

FIVE. Get Merlin to use his dragonlord powers to make him give the children in Camelot free horseback (dragonback?) rides.

SIX. Step one: Become a dragonlord. Step two: Meet the dragon. Step three: Give him orders every time Merlin does, but make them contradicting orders. Step four: Watch until he decides whose orders he has to follow or his head explodes.

SEVEN. Show him your thesis on why dragons must be the inferior half of the dragon/dragonlord relationship.

EIGHT. Using your powers from number SIX, make him write "I will not encourage slash" five-hundred times.

NINE. Ask if he's so cryptic because he honestly doesn't know the answers.

TEN. Ask if he's actually trying to kill everyone Merlin loves… Hunith, Morgana, Balinor, Gaius, even Arthur. Or does he just like it when Merlin cries?

ELEVEN. If so, threaten to tell Merlin.

TWELVE. Ask about his obviously unhappy childhood.

THIRTEEN. "You're the last dragon? Thank goodness!"

FOURTEEN. Tell him that, between the two of you, he's really just a plot device.

FIFTEEN. "Your scary voice? Not so scary."

SIXTEEN. Constantly take samples of blood, scales, breath, or fire and say it's for a magic spell.

SEVENTEEN. Accuse him of making the whole "destiny" thing up just to see how long Merlin would fall for it before he realized that was silly.

EIGHTEEN. Secretly, him and Uther are best buds, right? Right?

NINETEEN. Kill Merlin. (A/N: JUST KIDDING! PLEASE DON'T KILL HIM!)

TWENTY. Ignore all of his advice and do whatever the heck you want.

TWENTY-ONE. If he wants to know why you ignore him, give this excuse: "Well, look where it got Merlin!"

TWENTY-TWO. Tell him Gwen's liable to mess up his favorite pairing.

TWENTY-THREE. "You just call him a witch because you have a grudge against her, don't you? What'd she ever do to you?"

TWENTY-FOUR. Tell him you think Arthur's going to stink at being king.

TWENTY-FIVE. Give him the prize for "Most Pointlessly Mysterious".

TWENTY-SIX. "Make up your mind, is 'Magic' his destiny, or is 'Arthur'?"

TWENTY-SEVEN. "Just so you know, I could totally write a slash fanfiction off of that line…"

TWENTY-EIGHT. Tell him you think Uther's right, and magic is evil. After all, Merlin's the exception, not the rule, it would seem.

TWENTY-NINE. "I killed you in my fanfiction last week. And I enjoyed it. Every prophecy-free, slash-free minute of it!"

THIRTY. Tell him no truly powerful magical being would allow themselves to be captured and imprisoned for twenty years... "Weakling".

Uther gasped in horror as he gripped the book on the bookstand, yanking it away from the seller's stall.

"Look at this!" he demanded. "Gaius, look!"

Gaius came waddling over to see what had distressed his monarch so. "Thirty Ways to Annoy King Uther Pendragon & Co.: A Guide from the Expert?" He looked at Uther nervously. "Is this written by the person who was here last week, ruining everyone's lives?"

"Yes! And now she's leaked our secrets to the world! Do you know what that means?"

And Gaius's mind was assaulted with pictures of people scaring Merlin out of his wits, accusing Leon of being evil, picking on Morgause's eyeliner, and calling Kilgharrah a "weakling".

"It means we're doomed, Sire?"

"It means we're doomed, Gaius!"

A/N: Favorites? Least favorites? Favorite person over all? Please review! This will be my last one, and I love you all for making it so popular!