Fix You

Chapter Twelve

Carlisle's POV

Oh Lord, what have I done?

I've been such a coward. Such an awful, disgusting coward, the same as usual. I've denied my feelings and lied to myself. I chickened out when Bella took all her courage to show me how she felt and now... I'm just full of nothing but regret.

I sit in my car with my head on the wheel. My knuckles are sore from the amount of times I've punched it and I breathe heavily, trying to calm myself. I keep imagining how perfect Bella's lips felt against mine. They were soft and warm, both desperate and passionate. I wanted nothing more in that moment than to kiss her back and so I did, giving the message that I felt the same way.

Then I pulled away and practically attacked her for her bravery.

I'm just an awful person. I should be feeling guilty about betraying my wife, but instead I feel guilty about the way I treated Bella.

The reality is, I wanted to kiss her back. I've accepted that. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to show her how much she means to me.

And now, I can't just go back and beg her to forgive me. I can't see her anymore; it's the end. She'll have to cope on her own; she was so fragile and now I've probably made everything worse. What will she become now?

Will she grow to rely on somebody else? Perhaps that's for the best.

I hit the wheel once more, setting off the car horn. My hand throbs and the pain feels good; I deserve it. I deserve punishment after the way I've acted today.

I don't know what to do. Somewhere deep down tells me that I ought to stop seeing her, like I thought before; that I should put all this behind me.

Yet trying to forget Bella would be like trying to remember somebody I've never met; impossible.

I loathe myself.

Cursing wildly, I drive off into the distance. I'm soon surrounded by trees, tall towers of green trapping me underneath their long branches, but I don't care where I'm headed. I just drive and drive until I can't see anymore and have to stop.

Then I think. I think until my thoughts blur and my head aches.

As I stare into the mirror the following morning, I shudder at my reflection. The night provided me with no sleep at all, and I'm now left with red rimmed eyes and dark circles that seem almost permanent. My skin is pasty and pale, and I wash myself with a blast of cold water, trying to improve how I feel.

It doesn't work.

This is going to affect my work. If my performance dips because of my own behaviour then-

My thoughts trail off towards my plans for the evening; that seems to matter most. I'm going to see Bella... for the final time. It'll be my goodbye. I've made my decision.

I feel sick with nerves about it, but I've the whole day to prepare what to say. Well, when I'm not working, that is.

I wonder if it's a good idea going in, but I can't risk any suspicion. I call goodbye to Esme and head outside, just wishing it could be all over.

Wishing never gets anybody anywhere.

The day feels like the longest in my life. I've made sloppy errors, accidentally ignored colleagues and nearly spilt coffee down my coat.

But now is what matters.

This will be the last time I see Bella. I need to end it, to have closure of some sort. I'll go up there, apologise for my behaviour, and end this. It'll be tough, but it's best for her in the long run. She can move on and not have to deal with me anymore.

I pull up outside her home once again and the darkness around me seems somehow threatening when I turn off the lights. My stomach feels sick and it's tough to walk in a straight line towards the stairs. It's the right thing to do, but I'm filled with dread. She's going to hate me for this. Even more than she already does.

But, after all we've been through, I need to ensure the best for her.

My throat feels tight as I knock on her door. It takes a long time for her to answer and, while I wait, I wonder what sort of state she'll be in this time.

But, when the door opens, I see something completely unexpected.

There's a skinny man standing in front of me, looking back at me in confusion. His eyes scan me, as if I'm some kind of threat, and I suddenly smell alcohol mixed with cigarette smoke.

"Is Bella in?" I ask, swallowing down my distaste.

He frowns. "Who are you?"

"A friend."

"Bella," he suddenly says in a deep voice, turning around, "there's somebody here to see you."

There's a loud noise, followed by something that sounds like a bottle falling over, and she's suddenly stumbling in front of me, her eyes widening as she sees me. She's been drinking again, it's obvious, but she seems to almost sober up at the sight of me. Her eyes turn blank with pain and I feel a dull ache in my chest.

You have to do this.

"Bella, can we please talk?" Nobody moves. "In private?"

I can hear her breathing. It's a long time before she answers. "Edward, would you m-mind?"

The man whose been blocking most of the doorway possessively suddenly turns towards her. I can't see his expression, but Bella smiles briefly at him, so I'm assuming he's agreed.

To my absolute horror, though, he suddenly leans over and kisses her straight on the lips that had been on mine just a short time ago, promising to come in to see her later.

As he brushes by me, I'm overwhelmed by a feeling of sickness.

I try to reason with myself. It's a good thing that she has somebody now. Even though it's incredibly quick.

But, for the first time, I believe that I can understand how it felt for Bella whenever she saw me with Esme. It was possibly one of the worst feelings I'd ever experienced.

Looking down at the floor, Bella speaks. "Aren't you g-gonna come in then?"

I do so slowly, pushing the door shut behind me. The place is messy, scattered with rubbish and bottles, but I refrain from commenting. It doesn't seem to matter anymore; I've turned oddly numb.

But I'm here for a reason. I have to do this.

"I see you've found somebody," I comment, and I'm surprised at how my voice sounds. Monotonous, lost.

"Hmm," she says, not offering anything else. Her hands are twitching by her sides and I can't stop myself.

"Why are you drinking so much?"

Her eyes briefly flicker up to mine. "I told you why. It stops the images. Not that you c-care, anymore."

"Bella, of course I care! I can't watch you destroy yourself." I pause. "In fact, that's why I'm here..."

She tenses, and her small body suddenly looks so frail and vulnerable. It's making what I have to do even harder, and I clench my fists at my side, willing myself not to be a coward anymore.

"I'll make you a coffee," I say, delaying the inevitable. I want her mind to be clear so that she can fully understand that I'm doing this for her sake. She remains quiet as I hand over the mug and her lips sip at it silently. She still waits.

"Bella," I murmur, and I watch how her eyes never leave mine. I don't know how I can tell, but my instinct tells me that she's forgiven me somehow, that she still wants me here. That she's missed me.

Or perhaps I'm being too hopeful.

"Bella," I repeat, willing the words to come out, "I shouldn't be here. I really shouldn't be here. Not again." I know it was my choice to go, but the words still feel right to say, even though her face seems to crumple at the sound.

"Why not?" she eventually asks. "Why can't you be here?"

I've put her through so much pain by being so bipolar. I'm an awful person.

"Bella, you know why. I'm married." Her eyes seem distant, then, and I hurry over, gripping her hand in mine. I try to convey that it'll be alright for her, that she'll recover and that I'm just a bad person, but she doesn't seem convinced. I can see the dependence there, the unwillingness to let go.

But we both must.

"I know it's tough, Bella, and I'm... I'm sorry if I've made it any worse. So sorry."

"You haven't made it worse, C-Carlisle. You've helped me survive." She speaks in a rush, stumbling over her words. It seems as though the desperation has taken over her pride; everything I've done wrong seems to be forgotten and I feel an awful rush of guilt. "I dread to think what would have happened if you weren't always there for me."

I want to yell, to shout at how unfair everything is. "I really do love your company," I start, speaking with my eyes shut to make it easier, "and I'm so glad that I've been able to help you, but I fear I'm becoming too involved. I... I'm slowly losing control, Bella, and I want to stop this before I do, before people get hurt. I couldn't bear that."

When I look at her, my eyes follow the path her tears make down her cheeks. Oh God. "Don't cry, Bella, please don't... it breaks my heart, it really does," I whisper. Selfish, once again.

"Okay," she murmurs, just a shadow or herself. Have I caused this?

"There are other people out there who are trained to help victims like you," I continue, trying to salvage something. "I'm not qualified in that field. I should have realised that sooner before I did any damage."

"You're a doctor... you heal people," she tries desperately. I feel the ache return to my throat. This has to be done now, before it becomes anymore painful.

"No, Bella. I... I'm sorry, I can't help you anymore."

"You were there with me. You understand what we've been through... Carlisle!"

Her desperate voice seems to cut through me; each word is like a knife through my chest. I have to speak before I lose the ability to. "I've left you a list of numbers of people who can help you. It's on the table over there." While I was making the coffee, I'd quickly slipped it there, resisting the urge to keep them to myself. It would be for her own good; they could help her, not me. "Whenever you need it, please tell me that you'll use them? Bella?"

After a long time, she manages a rigid nod. "Right. Good."

"I'm sorry," I whisper, because I can't think of anything else. The words don't seem powerful enough; I'd need a vast vocabulary to try to convey how much misery I feel at hurting her.

But now's the time to leave. It needs to be done. No more contact. She can take care of herself. Besides, she has that man now, whatever his name was.

I press my lips briefly against her forehead, telling myself that this will be the last touch I will have of her. I linger, trying to remember her in my mind, and then, before I can change my mind, I rush out the door without a second glance.

As I head down the stairs, my eyes are blurring with tears. Leaving her was painful, so, so painful, but the worst thing was how easily she'd forgiven me. After I'd misled her by returning her kiss, she'd still forgiven me over time, and I had no idea why that was.

But, again, I've let her down. It'll be the last time, though. I'll never see her again now and that way I can't hurt her. It's for the best.

Yet it still hurts more than I could ever imagine.

So that's where the prologue fits in! Ta da.

I know Carlisle's being a bit of a jerk but he's truly trying to do the best for Bella... even if it ends up hurting her. But anyway, sorry if you hate him now, but he's going to redeem himself later...

Thanks for reading! It'd be lovely to hear what you think.