Ruled Beliefs

I've always tried to believe that one phrase.

You know the one? "It's always darkest before the dawn."

Something like that.

The dark is this war. The dark is the terror that never ends. The dark is me confused and lost.

And I swear, sometimes it feels like we're traveling through never ending pitch black.

But the darker it gets, the sooner it'll get better. The sooner there will be light. It's always darkest before the dawn. And I tried to hold on to that.

But you know what? I've been traveling in the darkest of tunnels and I haven't seen the smallest beam of light.

Oh sure, there have been some ups of traveling in the dark.

The ability to get into the minds of the animals I always thought I knew so well, maybe.

And Jake. He's definitely an up.

"As long as I have hope, I'll make it through to the other end of the tunnel. Out of the darkness." I tell myself. But everyday I believe it less and less.

Maybe that's why I've unwillingly given myself the role as the moralizer in our little group, in our small army.

Am I the only one who still believes that there is a way out of the darkness without becoming ruthless? Without becoming cold blooded killers? The only one who still has some form of hope?

Sometimes I feel like this whole war is just a race, a silly competition, and I'm losing.

All the others realize they have to save Earth. All the others are brave enough to give up any child's dreams of winning without the slaughter. They focus on the goal.

While I lag in back, the sidetracking fool. I am the one far, far behind them still being a silly, foolish child and wondering "is this right?" while the rest do the dirty work for me.

Sometimes it seems like I'm just someone without a cause. Like I have no choice but to believe this, this ruled belief.

I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for the dawn. And it isn't coming.

This is my fate? To travel in the dark while the rest of the world gets to experience life's light? "You're an idiot." I tell myself, silently. "Still wishing for something that isn't there."

But I can't give up on the other side. On the dawn.

I'll lose any remaining sanity. I can see it. I can see myself giving up hope and day by day becoming someone else and it frightens me.

I'm selfish. I don't want to become hard, emotionless. Not even if it means saving the world. The galaxy.

I won't accept this as my life forever.