Woah first steps out of Potterverse into another fandom. I honestly think that this needs to be done. So my first Merlinfic ever, plus my first real fic in English, so be merciful with me – I'm from Germany.

Well, story: Merlin is Arthurs dirty, little secret. It basically takes place in the future, when Arthur is King, but it has remembering in it, especially the start. The lyrics always relate to the following part, so don't wonder. This plot is mine, simalarities to other stories are not intended.

Song: www. youtube. com/watch?v=8weHEN7OE2Q(delete the breakes after the points) It is pretty much the most fitting song for those two ever.

Disclaimer: In this Case everything belongs to BBC, except for the song, that is 'Dirty little secret' by The All-American Rejects

Warnings: Slash

Dirty little Secret

– Oneshot/Songfic –

Looking back, it was never supposed to end up like this. And yet it did.

Arthur was a good king, probably the best his kingdom ever had or at least that was what everyone said. He was a king that stood in the first row at every battle, that only ever ate when he could be sure his people weren't hungry – literally. And Gwen was a good queen. She was kind and sweet and nice. Everybody loved them.

Except that they didn't love each other.

Only Arthur knew that every night he didn't share his wife's bed (which meant almost every night, he did never, just sometimes he remembered that he had to produce an heir, the only reason he married her), she was with one Sir Lancelot. He didn't mind, though, the knight was practically his best friend and as long as they kept it private, he was certainly not in the position to be offended by her being unfaithful.

Gwen didn't even know he knew, neither did she suspect him to have an affair himself.

Of cause no one knew that the king had his court sorcerer for what his wife preferred to give to a knight, but he was pretty sure people suspected that he had a – mistress.

He still grinned when he thought of the incident. One Lady, who had been a guest at Camelot, had wondered a bit too loud about the identity of said mistress and the look on Merlin's face had been priceless.

It was now one of Arthur's favourite ways to make him blush.

The relationship between them had started many years ago, back when Merlin had been his servant. Discovering the feelings for his servant, his male servant, had taken him surprisingly less time, but a lot of nerves and wondering if he was going crazy.

It was an accident that made him make a step toward Merlin, as everything important between them had been an accident, their first meeting, Merlin becoming his servant and by this time their first kiss.

Only a few days after they had defeated the monster in their water, which also were a few days after the time when Arthur had started to wonder, whether all the unusual things that happened around Merlin, could actually be magic like he said, whatever, a few days after the incident with the poisoned water and the monster, which he remembered being made of mud, Merlin had overslept – again.

Not that he really had minded anymore. It would have been scary, if he didn't, but that had been the day Arthur discovered that Merlin talked in his sleep. When he had come in, the other had been smiling softly, saying Arthur's name.

Arthur himself had first thought that the other was awake, until Merlin had moved a little adding, so silent he almost hadn't caught it: "I love you."

Even just from the memory Arthur felt his heart speeding up, the way it had back then. He had shaken Merlin awake tenderly, most likely grinning like a fool.

"Do you know you're talking in your sleep?" he had asked, causing Merlin to babble about the strange dreams he had had lately.

"You said you loved me" Arthur had stated. The only answer had been silence this time.

"It's true then?"

Merlin, focusing the floor and looking like he was fighting back his tears, had nodded. His surprise, after Arthur had claimed his lips, with his own, he had almost been able to feel.

"Your father will have my head."

"My father must never know."

And that was practically the beginning.

Let me know that I've done wrong,
When I've known this all along,
I go around a time or two,
Just to waste my time with you.

The time when his father had been king had been the most difficult.

Because of the whole servant thing, for example. Arthur didn't think anyone understood how hard it was to treat the one you loved like they were not equal. How much it had hurt both of them, when he had had to use Merlin as a help to mount his horse, when he could easily have done this all by himself. Only the few private moments, not even a whole night mostly, had put them through this.

It had been the time, when Arthur had spent particular close attention on making sure that Merlin knew he loved him. In this time he had done his best to treat him more than equal when they were alone. This had often resulted in treating him like a Lady, though, including things like a kiss on his hand when he entered the room, dancing to hummed melodies after a feast or kneeing before him in a slightly different way. These being things that are still done happily.

By the time, the light came up to him in this cave, Arthur had been concerned, that Merlin was some sort of magician, though he never mentioned it. He wanted Merlin to trust him and he knew that Merlin – adorable, lovely, clumsy, beautiful Merlin – couldn't hurt a fly. Merlin had told him, finally, explaining he hadn't wanted to come between Arthur and his father.

Merlin had also helped him discovering who he really was. Arthur had always been a man who cared a lot about his people, but he had hidden this behind the mask of a spoiled child. He had acted far too arrogant; he had been a prat and an asshole and Merlin had just stood there and told him that, slowly transforming him into a very nice guy.

And he still wondered what Merlin saw in him, when he deserved so much more. So much more then some prattish prince. So much more then a secret affair. And Arthur would be so willing to give him all that, just he couldn't.

Tell me all that you've thrown away,
Find out games you don't wanna play,
You are the only one that needs to know.

Things became difficult again, when the crowd began to scream for a queen, for an heir. Seeing that this was practically one of his duties, there was not much he could do.

He had chosen Gwen in the end, because they were getting along and because everyone considered them a perfect couple. He also had hoped that it would have been easier if Merlin liked the woman.

Turned out, he had hoped wrong.

As he heard the chairs move, Arthur realised the meeting was over. He hadn't got a clue what the old knight talked about for the last ten minuets, he had been too sunk in his memories.

Flashing the queen a polite smile he made his way out of the room, heading for his own chambers.

Merlin had excused himself for the day; he had only slept little in the last few days. Arthur was planning to check on him after he got out of the formal clothes.

Of cause he didn't expect to find Merlin in his bed, hugging a pillow.

He raised an eyebrow and chuckled finally, shaking his head. I should have known.

He changed and kneeled next to Merlin stroking his hair lightly. He didn't expect Merlin to wake from this and was slightly surprised as he did so.

"Mhm…" Merlin blinked before recognizing the man in front of him and pulling for a kiss.

"What are you doing here?" Arthur asked.

"Well, I was sleeping, until you woke me up."

"I know that" Arthur sighed and pressed his lips against Merlin's forehead. "But why were you doing it in my bed?"

Merlin grinned sheepishly. "It smells of you. But why did you wake me up anyway? You were complaining that I didn't get enough sleep."

"I didn't mean to wake you up. Normally a hurricane can come and you would just sleep on. You have such a light sleep lately. Any idea why that is?"

"The nightmares maybe" Merlin said neutral.

"What nightmares?"

Merlin shook his head. "It's silly. I shouldn't be bothering you."

"I want to be bothered by that, you idiot. I love you."

"A great way of showing that is always an insult" Merlin muttered. "It's really silly. It's not even really a nightmare, it's just – she just won't get pregnant."

She. He avoided Gwen's name, while talking about her. As if he wanted to make the queen and his friend two completely different people.

"I should be the one worrying about that."

"So you're not going to try more often?" The words hastily came out of Merlin's mouth and Arthur almost laughed.

"See? It's silly."

"No. It's just hard for you – it's not easy for me either, but I can only imagine – you know I don't desire her in any way, hell, I don't even care if it's Lancelot's child as long as we finally get one."

"It's not even that I don't understand" Merlin stated. "It's just in my head, that you will-" He yawned.

"I promise I will do nothing that will get me away from you. Now, do me a favour and sleep on."

"Hold me?" He looked at Arthur with puppy dog eyes.

"I have to show up later" he said.

"Just until then, please?" Oh, goddamn it!

He slipped next to Merlin and pulled him close, his cheek resting on the top of his head, with Merlin's head on his chest.

"Good night" Arthur said. "Even if it's like noon."

"Good night" Merlin mumbled back. Then he was asleep again.

Arthur felt the guilt hitting his stomach. No, he had been totally wrong.

He had thought it would be easier if Merlin liked the queen, but it had only made it worse. Now there was always the flash of jealousy, even when he was talking about her in the nicest way and his not-using her name.

"I don't address the queen with her first name, especially in public. It would be very improper."

"I remember you giving a damn about property."

"We both matured." And that had been his last word in the conversation.

Arthur never meant to add another worry to the long list Merlin carried around with him, but now he couldn't do much about the situation.

At least Merlin's breathe was easy and he was smiling in his sleep, which was always a good sign.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
(Dirty little secret),
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret,
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it),
My dirty little secret.
Who has to know?

Arthur remembered many wars he had had to fight, most of them just after he had been crowned. A new king was always an easy foe.

At so many wars Merlin had been at his side, fighting with magic, where swords were useless and Arthur doing the same thing the other way around. Both had saved each others lives most of the time.

But the latest war, he had been fighting alone. It had taken him a lot, to get Merlin to stay; he had picked any arguments that sounded impressive.

It had gotten from "Think of the people here. Make them think they're save, even if we loose" to "How am I supposed to fight, if I have to worry about you? How am I supposed to think about how to win this war, if all I can think about is how to keep you save?"

And finally Merlin had agreed to stay. With screaming and cursing and crying, when the time had come, but he had stayed in the castle. In the save castle.

They won, of cause, as they always did. Otherwise he probably wouldn't even be here to remember.

When they had returned the whole court had been waiting for them, welcoming, cheering.

Arthur had found it to be very hard to lead his eyes away from the small figure of his court sorcerer (Had he been eating at all?) and towards his queen.

He bended forward to kiss Gwen's hand politely, smiling happily to be home again.

"Is everyone at the court? I thought we would maybe hold some feast tonight."

"So you're coming home in victory?" Gwen had asked smiling so brightly, Arthur thought, she might explode.

"A warrior is always coming home in victory. If he looses a battle, he looses his life."

"Then I'll be observing the preparations for this feast myself."

"If you do so, it can only be good." Arthur had turned to the people around him. "You heard the queen. Get to work, so that all of you can celebrate with us. And I propose that we all get some rest." The last bit was directed toward the knights.

"Did you just invite the servants?"

"I married one."

Then everyone had begun to move, in the end leaving Merlin and Arthur alone in the court.

A few seconds they had just looked at each other. He looked okay, Arthur had thought. Thin and tiny as always but healthy and so beautiful.

And then Merlin had smiled and it had felt like he had never been away. Arthur had opened his arms and the other had thrown himself into them, laughing and crying at the same time. Well, mostly laughing. Arthur had picked him up and spun him around, until his still injured shoulder had protested.

"God, I've missed you so much." He had put Merlin down again only to kiss him hungrily.

When they had pulled for air Merlin had started to caress Arthurs face and hair.

"You could have been dead" he had cried out.

"I am not" Arthur had said patient. "I am right here in front of you, completely alive."

He had given him another quick kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Late, late that night, while both of them had been sleepy cuddled up against each other; Arthur had started to monologue while lazily stroking Merlin's hair.

"Somehow you're like peace, you know.

War is the sick feeling of fear in your stomach, the sorrow for everything that happens. It's loosing track of the count of people you killed. It smells like death; it looks so bright, it's almost scary, the red of blood, the unnatural yellow glow of a fire and all the colours that the corpses are dressed in; it feels like cold, hard steel in your hands and at the same time like unbearable hot blood, that your clothes are soaked with; it sounds like screams of death and pain, like weapons crashing together and your own unbelievable fast heartbeat; it tastes rusty and salty, because you've got blood and tears in your mouth, often not even your own. And the worst part is you hate them so much, these people that killed friends and companions of yours, that you almost enjoy killing them, hurting them. After a wile, you stop regretting.

But you, you're butterflies in my stomach and joy in everything you do. You're loosing track of the count of times I gave you my heart. You smell like – I don't know, you, but it's so good; you look calm, black hair and white skin just a few coloured spots like your eyes, such deep blue and your lips, almost pink; you feel soft and warm, even though you're a bit thin, you could be much softer; you sound – you sound like the voice inside me, that tells me to do what is right, not easy or maybe she sounds like you and the only screams you ever let out are when I'm inside you, pleasure and your heartbeat is never so fast it scares me; you taste sweet and special and a little bit different every time, depending on what you ate. And the best part is that I love you so much, that I enjoy being with you, making love to you, everything. Even though people might think its wrong, I stopped regretting long ago.

You're the opposite of war, Merlin, you're peace."

When we live such fragile lives,
It's the best way we survive,
I go around a time or two,
Just to waste my time with you.

He didn't often train with the knights anymore. The responsibility lied in Sir Lancelot's hands, but none the less he showed up at training sessions whenever he could. It was…well, it was fun.

And Sir Lancelot, being the best of them, was his favourite partner, too.

The knights were the only people in the castle, who knew. For once, they had watched it from the start and concluded it by themselves – somehow Gwen had managed to be completely oblivious about the situation – and then you trust the people, you go to war with.

Which lead to Arthur and Sir Lancelot being able to talk freely, none of them in need of having bad conscience.

"You know" Lancelot said, while parrying. "Maybe the reason he blushes, when we call him your mistress is not shame."

"We're basically calling him a girl, of cause it's shame" Arthur said. "What else would it be?"

"Have you ever considered that maybe he wants to be that? You're the king you can do whatever you want. You can make him official. I mean, I don't expect you to understand, but take me. Gwen is the queen, if anyone ever found out you would have to behead her. We can only ever be secret. But you two have the opportunity of being more than that."

Arthur stared at him for a few seconds.

"I get your point" he finally said. "But things become a bit different seeing Merlin is a man. People won't accept that, just because I say so. Maybe they'll keep their mouth shut, if they're intelligent, but…you know them. Just like, when my father forbid sorcery, they kept on practising it, only they did it in secret."

He stayed silent for a while. "You consider my position easier than it is. Plus, think of the shame Gwen would be in, if I would openly…it is impossible and we both knew it from the start."

"Maybe you're right" Lancelot admitted. "I didn't look at it that way. But I know he has that dream. I do, too."

"None of us wanted it to end up like this" Arthur said. "But it could have been worse. At least, if Gwen knew it wouldn't be a problem. Somehow it's good that way. Not as good as could be, but…"

He didn't finish the sentence. Of cause for him and the queen it was fine, but he knew the other two…

"Yeah" Lancelot placed a good strike and Arthur's sword went flying. "Got you."

Tell me all that you've thrown away.
Find out games you don't wanna play,
You are the only one that needs to know.

Arthur practically fell in his bed every night, tiered in mind and body, overwhelmed by heavy thoughts.

But then Merlin came in and everything blurred.

Suddenly Arthur didn't care that much about all this regulating, all this problems. It was nothing that couldn't wait till tomorrow.

He gave him his best loving smile and opened his arms for him.

He told him he loved him, he desired him. That he was perfect, despite any of his faults.

He did his best to be patient and to pay attention, to be careful and not to hurt him. He hoped for that to be enough.

And later, when Merlin ended up resting in his arms, both tangled with each other in the most complicated way, Arthur would repeat everything he said in a more honest voice.

Merlin used to protest somewhere along the perfect. This night it was…

"You can't say that regarding my ears."

"What is that always with your ears? They seem to lower your self-esteem about the half" Arthur replied and started nibbling one of said ears. "I like them."

"Well they seem to taste good" Merlin admitted. "But you have to see that they are ridiculous. All large and…you know. Everyone teased me about them back when I was a child. They said, I'd never find a woman."

"You didn't" Arthur pointed out. "But you found yourself the most fabulous knight in shining armour. A prince, popped out of a fairytale."

"And I thought you gave up on your arrogance."

"You're just offended, because this makes you the damsel in distress."

"I'm not…offended, neither am I a damsel in distress, I can take good care of myself."

"Yeah sure."

"Alright, maybe not that good…fine, stay with the knight in shining armour then."

"Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make is that it doesn't matter. I mean, hell, if you were really perfect, meaning having no faults, how boring would that be? It's your faults that make you perfect in the end. Like your clumsiness, your inability to shut up, especially if you're ought to or your ridiculously large ears. These are adorable things, that I love almost the best about you."

"You wouldn't want someone really perfect, and I mean perfect in any way, if they stood in front of you?"

"There is no one like this and I just pointed out that I consider you perfect, even if you might be not. Come on, who wants to hear lies about themselves, just because there flattering lies? Everyone has faults and your faults are just as wonderful as you are."

"Would you believe me, if I said that was easily one of the top five romantic things you ever said?"

"Maybe. You happy now?"

"I'm always happy, when I'm with you – but yes. Yes, you made me happy with this,"

That was great, seeing it was practically what he lived for.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
(Dirty little secret),
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret,
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it),
My dirty little secret.
Who has to know?

It was not easy. It never had been. The puzzles started in the very mornings. With Merlin in his bed, Arthur couldn't just have a servant running in. So he had ordered his breakfast to the dining room. Now he was forced to at least invite Gwen, which she normally took every third time, trying not to be rude. Those were the days he couldn't invite Merlin, which meant he was hurting him again.

All these things were taking complete control. Just to keep on with the meals. Lunch was ordered to their rooms by both of them normally under the excuse of work, which, in Arthur's case, was often even true. Merlin would come then and they would be sharing (they had rooms next to each other, even connected through a private door, while Gwen's were on the opposite of the castle – people honestly considered it noble that he left her that much privacy), including Merlin trying very hard to distract Arthur and claim his attention. It was almost cute.

For dinner, Arthur used to have banquets, inviting the whole court, so he could have both Gwen and Merlin at his side, politely honouring his best knight by placing him next to the queen, so that he didn't need to deal with her.

The only hours they didn't need to worry about anything was while sparring. The knights knew all along and they had started friendly making fun of them ages ago. They had used to call Merlin the 'future' queen, now it was the 'unofficial' one, sometimes happily replaced with 'mistress' which was still a running gag.

Merlin blushed every time, he just didn't get used to it.

But sometimes Arthur thought about what could have been. What if he just had forced his people to accept Merlin? What if he just had done what he wanted, he was the King goddamnit?

Then Merlin would be wearing the crown, the queen wore right now. They would be able to love each other openly and maybe Gwen and Lancelot would be, too.

Arthur was pretty sure Merlin would make the loveliest of all queens. Not only because he could be such a girl sometimes, just think of the incident with the unicorn. And he hadn't even been a virgin back then, of that Arthur could be sure (another point for Merlin being girly – he was the girl). But he was good and kind and forgiving, where no man was and it was him, Arthur was listening to, when mercy was begged for someone, not Gwen, not some old council member.

Example? He remembered like it had just happened yesterday. Some old enemy of his father came to Camelot under the excuse of now living in peace with them all, but then spent his time insulting Uther, spilling dirt on Arthur's memory of his father. Though he totally appreciated Arthur's way of ruling the kingdom, he wouldn't stop. By the time he was insulting his mother, too, Arthur saw red.

Without thinking, he ordered the guards to arrest the man.

"I should just execute you right now" he growled.

"Arthur!" the queen cried out, then correcting herself. "I mean, milord, don't you think…"

"I think that you should not talk of things, you don't understand."

"What do I not understand?"

"It was not your mother that was insulted."

"Milord" the man choked out, obviously afraid. "Milord, I see my mistake, I excuse with all-"

"Silence", Arthur growled.

"Sire" That was one of his advisers. "You've made your point."

"Well, I'm afraid, I didn't."

"Sire" Another council member, a knight this time. "Don't do anything you'll regret."

"I won't." And he was sure of that. Whoever dared to insult his mother, his poor mother, who gave her life for him, was not worth living.

"Arthur." This time his name was spoken softly, as if it was not part of the actual conversation. "Don't."

He closed his eyes for a second, as he felt Merlin's hand on his arm and let him draw him back in his seat.

"Please, calm down. I can't stand seeing you that brutal."

Arthur felt his heart melt a little. As if he could ever hurt Merlin like that.

"Plus, they're right" Merlin breathed into his ear.

"Yeah" Arthur said, loud and not even sure about what he just agreed to. "They're right. You're right. Um…let him go!"

"Thank you sire…" the Lord began, but a tab on his shoulder draw Arthur back out of his memories.

"You're really very hard working" came Merlin's voice sarcastically.

"I was" Arthur said automatically. "That is, until you came to my mind, of cause."

"So it's my fault?"

"Everything is always your fault" Arthur laughed and pulled him into his lap.

"Prat" Merlin mumbled, only causing Arthur to laugh more, and let him place a kiss on his cheek. "So, what did I do?"

"You made a wonderful queen."

Merlin frowned, obviously wondering whether Arthur was making fun of him. "Well, don't let your wife hear this" he finally said. Then added: "Would you want me to be?"

"To be what? The queen?" Arthur sighed. "You know the answer. You're already almost everything to me. My court sorcerer, my adviser, my best friend, my lover…"

"Your secret lover. And don't forget your servant."

"You're not my servant anymore. And you never really were."

"Yeah, right, I was your personal slave."

Arthur growled, grabbed Merlin's hips and kissed him roughly. Merlin responded immediately, his fingers tangling with Arthur's hair.

"Take that back"" Arthur said, trying to sound dangerous. Well, it came out a little exhausted.

Merlin blinked dizzily. "Everything you want."

The way she feels inside (inside),
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny),
These sleeping dogs won't lie (won't lie),
And now I try to lie,
It's eating me apart,
Trace this life out.

Normally it was fine. All-day business. But then there were the days Arthur was painfully hit to the ground.

It was normally once a month he went to visit the queen, remembering his duties in that direction painfully.

He told Gwen in the morning, that she should be awaiting him, talked to Lancelot while training, excusing and usually getting an "It's fine, you're her husband" as an answer. He carefully told Merlin, normally along with a bunch of "I love you"s and "I really don't want to"s.

Merlin put on a fake smile and said something along the lines of "Then it's over."

When Arthur was with Gwen he was not seeing her.

She was normally already undressed when he came; as if she wanted to get over this just as quickly as possible (whish was most likely the case).

But he thought of one of the rare times Merlin had been waiting for him this way.

He closed his eyes; saw Merlin's pale body, where Gwen's was; felt his skin, which was just as soft and warm as hers was and was holding back from screaming the wrong name.

He never kissed her, except for the day he married her, he never touched her more then necessary and he never stayed.

But what was waiting in his own chambers was worse.

Always, even after years, he found Merlin there, lying on his bed, crying his eyes out.

Well, by now he had stopped crying already when Arthur came back, but his eyes were red and it was clear he had been.

Arthur quickly stripped to his underwear and neared him carefully.

"Merlin?"

"How is she?"

"I assume she's better, now it's over, just as I am", he said carfully.

Merlin looked at him.

"I can't believe I'm not used to it by now" he mumbled.

Arthur opened his arms a little, pulling him close.

"You know, I have no choice."

"I know. It's not even that. I know that you don't love her, it's just – it hurts to think about you being with someone else. No matter how much I know, you don't mean it, it hurts so damn much."

He buried his face in Arthur's neck and started to sob again.

"Schhh…schhh, I love you. I'm here. I'm here. I love you."

"I'm acting silly" Merlin finally said wiping over his eyes.

"No, you're not. You have every right in the world to feel offended or hurt or insulted. It's alright."

"I love you."

"I love you, too." Arthur sighed and kissed Merlin's forehead.

He never slept with him aver he had been with her. He was not that much of an ass.

He hated it. He hated it so much. He hated that he had to hurt all the persons he loved. His best friends and, most of all, his Merlin.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
(Dirty little secret),
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret,
(Just another regret),
I'll keep you my dirty little secret,
(Dirty little secret),
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret,
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it),
My dirty little secret,
Dirty little secret,
Dirty little secret.
Who has to know?

Things went on. They always did. They all came along with the situation, sometimes better, sometimes not that good, but they always managed it.

After all, he had everything he wanted, just with Merlin. And now, lying there with him in his arms, Arthur decided to tell him that.

"You know, this is everything that counts. I love you; you love me back, even though you deserve the hell of a whole lot more. This is all we need. All I need. That I'm able to keep you in my arms; to kiss you good morning; to watch you sleep. I honestly don't care, that no one knows what we got. The important thing is that we got it. We got each other, that's all that matters."

Merlin seemed to think about this.

"You're right" he finally said. "To us, that's all that matters."

He smiled and snuggled closer to Arthur, who kissed his eyelids, both knowing, that when they woke there would be a kingdom between them again.

But it didn't matter.

The kingdom didn't have to know.

Who has to know?

I'm done. I wrote my first English story, at the same time being my first Merlin story and that in a record like time. I'm proud of me. And come on, this needed to be done. I can't believe there wasn't any fics for this song and this couple.

You maybe can see that I don't like Gwen very much, though I tried my best. I mean really, she's such a bitch! Was there any boy in the whole series she didn't at least kiss?