Taming Dragons with Bedsheets

Chapter One: Australian Death Grip

"So going back over what we've taught you-"

"You get her attention with a good old Australian Death Grip."

"Remember, confidence is key. And if you can't get the confidence thing to work, I've always liked a nice Stunning Spell."

"Right, and once you've got her going, or knocked unconscious, that's when you get to work your magic, big boy."

"Exactly, and if you think mum or someone might walk in on you- don't underestimate the thrill of pulling up your trousers just as the doorknob turns."

"And always remember-"

"if you want a nice, firm dick, firewhiskey ain't your pick," the twins recited in unison, looking very solemn with their hands over their hearts as if pledging their loyalty to the military.

"Right," Fred said happily, stepping towards the bed where Charlie sat, mouth gaping open and looking perfectly shell-shocked, "George and I are off on our own strumpet-hunting adventures from here on out. But don't hesitate-"

"-to bang anything that moves," George interjected, giving Charlie a brotherly slap on the back. "You've been off with nothing but big, muscled blokes taming dragons for far too long, and we're staring to worry-"

"-that there's some deeply disturbing metaphor hidden in that behavior. Didn't want to look too closely at the implications, though." Fred and George grinned at Charlie, who just shook his head slightly, apparently dazed by all the information they'd thrown at him.

"Now, go stir up some trouble," George ordered.

"Make us proud," Fred added, winking cheekily.

"It is your welcome-home party after all."

The older Weasley finally managed to form a semi-coherent thought, but the twins had already linked arms and disapparated with a resounding pop.

Charlie blinked several times, his wide blue eyes puzzled as he sat on the bed in the twins' room, trying to work out everything that had been said over the past hour. They were worried about all the time he'd spent surrounded by men? What was wrong with that? Charlie was a man's man, and he'd always had plenty of fun hanging out with all those guys on the reserve in Romania. If they were hinting that he was into blokes, well… well, there was nothing wrong with that, but Charlie had always appreciated a big, bouncing pair of knockers far too much to be interested in shagging a bloke. As it was, he didn't see why the twins had insisted on giving him a sex talk.

Granted, Charlie thought to himself, blushing slightly as he ran a hand over the back of his neck, the sex talk the twins just gave was far more detailed than anything I could have told anyone at their age.

Or now, he added with a grimace.

He supposed they were right, after all. Charlie hadn't been with a woman since his days at Hogwarts, and the years had flown by so fast that he hadn't realized just how long ago that was. Still feeling a bit uncomfortable with the idea that his younger brothers were vastly more experienced than himself in matters of the flesh, Charlie set off downstairs for his welcome home party, his head crowded with musings on what an Australian Death Grip could possibly be, and how it was supposed to help him break his dry streak.

.'.'.'.'.'.

The kitchen of the Burrow was positively filled to the brim with people, some of whom Charlie was entirely sure he'd never seen before in his entire life. He grinned at everyone he passed as he made his way through the throng of bodies, but he actually felt quite uncomfortable. There was a reason Charlie had chosen to spend a great portion of his life tucked away in a remote Romanian village. He certainly didn't dislike people, but unlike the rest of his siblings he'd never been terribly comfortable being right in the thick of things. With a great sigh of relief, he picked out the short, bustling form of his mum. She was scrambling around the stove, her wand flying as she attempted to do a hundred things at once.

She looked up when he got close though, and she beamed at him, her arms flying around him in one of those embraces Charlie was sure only his mum could give.

"Oh, I was wondering where you'd gotten off to!" she exclaimed, letting go of him and pushing a plate piled high with all of his favorite foods into his hands. "The twins were supposed to have brought you down about thirty minutes ago!"

Charlie blanched at the mention of the twins. He'd always felt that his mother possessed a small amount of talent in mind reading, especially when it came to him, and he was terrified that she might somehow hear the little lecture the twins had given him earlier through his thoughts. He forced his mind to think of anything else, but the most he could seem to do was picture a pair of knitting needles miming crude sexual acts.

Mrs. Weasley shot him an odd look that did nothing to dispel his suspicion of her hidden talent, but didn't say anything further. He hastily gave her another hug before running off somewhere a little more secluded, away from the masses of people that had started to make his head spin. The yelling and laughing and being bumped into wasn't awful, but he would take dragons over a party like this any day.

Charlie made his was to the living room, which seemed to be even more packed of that were possible. He saw his oldest brother Bill sitting on a couch with his was Fleur, and made his way over to them eagerly. It turned out that the whole world seemed to be against him today, though. As soon as he reached the couch, Bill whistled and the twins popped out of nowhere.

"We knew you'd make this hard on yourself," Fred sighed, sounding aggrieved. He and George had both seized one of Charlie's biceps, and Bill seemed to be in on it, too. He was grinning up at Charlie while Fleur giggled at his side.

"Unless you plan on trying to seduce Fleur or me," Bill said, grinning even more broadly at the shocked look on Charlie's face, "you can just head off somewhere else right now. You aren't going to use us as an excuse not to... enjoy your party properly."

Charlie looked to Fleur for some sort of help, hoping that, as a woman, she might find his brothers forcing him into banging some unsuspecting girl a bit offensive. She just giggled even harder, her face a bit red as she brushed her silvery hair out of her face.

The twins frog-marched him away from Bill and Fleur, forcing him back out into the kitchen.

"So far you've only talked to mum and Bill," George said as they dragged him through the kitchen and towards the back yard.

"And unless you're a bit more twisted than we thought, we don't think that counts as going after a bit of arse," Fred finished.

They let his arms go as they reached the back yard, but Charlie barely noticed. He didn't see the mischievous smirks the twins gave each other behind his back. In fact, at that moment he only had eyes for the scene directly in front of him, which contained, funnily enough, a big, bouncing pair of knockers.

A/N: First attempt at a Charlie story!