Monster that I am

Disclaimer: KH is a product of Square Enix and Disney.

Warning: Extreme language below. I mean it. If you're not comfortable with the f word popping up every other two paragraphs, don't scroll down. Also, very disturbing familial incest/statutory rape that can mind rape you. A bit of Axel/Riku in flashbacks. Hurt, suffering and angst all piled up in eight chapters. Read this at your own risk. But if you have the endurance you may find something at the end.

Summary: Axel said, "Look, kid. It was nice knowing you, but I'm afraid your 'Getting-to-Know-Your-Neighborhood-Killer' thing has to stop."

Author's note: So, after reading Amor Tutti Fa Uguali by Annie Christ, I decided that I wanted to write about problems too. And this thing forced-bore itself out of my brain. But please, please, read the warning above. The background story is REALLY disturbing. I almost wanted to get a hammer and break open my skull and rake my brains out when I wrote this. I seriously had to force myself to punch in every single letter because it was so disturbing that my fingers developed a repulsion against completing the background story. It was that bad.

Inspiration credit: The entire Meteora album by Linkin Park.

A group of men in orange jumpsuits were rounded up in the courtyard, fenced by rotting iron, squatting in line with their hands tied behind their backs. Their heads just barely reach the height of the guard's groin. The guard was aimlessly thumping a rhythm with his baton against the other palm.

The rhythm aggravated his somewhat calm nerves. He stared through the glass of the window and the diamond shapes of the fences at the men in orange jumpsuits and the guard standing tall above them.

Never again.

The guard next to him, separated by a piece of glass, tossed his keys and practically empty wallet onto the counter below the glass.

"Just sign here and grab your stuff."

Silently he did as told, with the handcuff still in place, making his signature more or less an illegible blotch of ink. After grabbing the things in one hand, he turned around to let the other guard unlock the cuffs.

The iron door cringed horribly as the guard opened it. No one said anything. He headed out to the second door, and, for the first time in five years, opened a door with his own hands.

The outside was just like what it was – when you haven't been there in five years, it feels genuinely weird. Like it's some sort of nostalgic unfamiliarity.

"You killed her!" Standing up from the carved wooden chair, his father screamed with all he could, tears smearing across his eyes and face, "You murderer! You killed her!"

"Order in the Court!" The Judge punched the gavel against the sound block.

Amidst all the chaos he could do nothing but leave a look of cold blank expression on his face. The saddest thing in this whole fucking mess was that he didn't even care enough to say anything, or even to defend himself, or lie about it for that matter.

He had a younger sister, but he didn't expect her to come pick him up, and she did not. He walked along the highway alone, his worn shoes kicking against the gravel. The Arizonan sky was blinding white, the desert a scorching heat. He'll probably just end up dying out here. Maybe he'll get bitten by a rattlesnake. It was impossible to think that he could make it back home alive in the state without vehicular transportation and somewhere to stay at night.

A car pulled over twenty yards in front of him, despite the profane objection of the driver in the car behind. He looked up at the unfamiliar vehicle with a familiar license plate. Someone climbed out of the driver's seat.

"Axel!" Yelled his long-time friend Demyx, with a grinning face, twenty yards away. "I was going to pick you up but they told me you already took off! Where'd you think you were going with only those two feet of yours?"

"I don't know." Axel yelled back with a grin. "I was going to stop at the nearest motel."

Demyx feigned a search around for motels in the obviously empty desert, "There's nothing around here!"

Axel chuckled again as he finally reached the car. They greeted with a bro shake and a few fist pounds on each other's back.

"You got a new car?" Axel eyed the lowly rumbling machine under his touch.

"Yeah, traded in that old Pontiac for this." Demxy said. "With a couple grands on top."

"Where'd you get the money?" Axel asked as they climbed in.

"Ol' Luxord helped me with half of it." The engine started smoothly, unlike the old girl Demyx was talking about. She'd been good and done her time. Demyx saw the puzzled look on Axel's face. They merged back onto the road. "I… I own part of the diner now… A lot's been changed since you left, man."

"I'd figure as much." Axel replied quietly, both of them uncomfortably aware of the past that they both avoid talking about.

He'd wake up in his cell, on the stone cold bed, all sweated and rigid. He'd seen it again. Her cold and stiff body, the hanging feet that wavers in front of the setting sun, through the window. It was exactly what he wanted, and it was exactly what he didn't want. He sat up from the bed and put his cold feet on the icy floor. It was far too early for wake up yet, and as much as he wanted a warm shower to shake off the chills, the guards would never let him out.

This is what you get for it. You deserve it.

No. Yes. No! Yes, and you know it. No, please. Please. Forgive me. Never. Please. I didn't want to. Yes you did. No. Yes. Yes, I did.

The usually lively and outgoing town had grown silent today. Mrs. Taudy, who always sat on her front porch in the afternoon watching the children play, had gone back into the house soon after one pm. Mrs. Marren, who always went out at the same exact time everyday to get the groceries, had forfeited the daily routine in ops of a weekly routine instead. Every family had forbidden their children from playing outside at least for today, if not for the whole week.

"Mom, I'm heading out." A teenage boy said after pulling his shoes on.

"Where are you going?" Mrs. Strife threw down the knife she was cutting beef with, fright overwhelming her in a moment. "Don't go out there!"

"What?" The boy turned back around, one hand on the doorknob. "I've got to work, remember?"

"Well, Roxas, why don't you… stay home today, hm?" His mother asked. "You don't have to work so hard all the time. Get some rest."

"I can't just skip work like that." Roxas frowned, ignoring his mother's objection. "Where's your sense of responsibility?"

"Roxas!" His mother reproachfully said, but he headed out the door.

He'd noticed the unusual quietness of the street; it probably had something to do with his mother's outbreak of abnormality, but nobody bothered to tell him what it was. Only upon passing his best friend's house did someone come out the door.

"Roxas! What are you doing out here?" Sora ran up to his friend.

"What's wrong with everyone today?" Roxas rolled his eyes. "I've got a part-time job at Safeway, remember?"

"But… there's a dangerous person… Oh, wait, you didn't know?" Sora asked.

"Know what?" said Roxas.

"Oh, right. You guys didn't move here until after the incident."

"What incident?"

"There was a killer in our neighborhood." Sora replied. "I heard he's getting released today. That's why everyone's paranoid. They think he's coming back here."

"What do you mean he's coming back?"

"He used to live here." Sora said. "You remember that house at the end of the drive that you said no one seems to ever go in or out of it? That's where they lived."

"They?"

"There was a family. Something happened – I don't know the details. But all I know is that…"

Before Sora finished, a car has pulled into the drive. Sora yelped and his body went rigid. Roxas only frowned and stared.

They pulled into the dead silent driveway. Axel wasn't surprised to see there weren't many people around. Only two kids about the age of sixteen were standing along the sidewalk. One of them had such a stare that Axel felt the need to stare back.

"Well, we're here." Demyx parked the car.

"I'll be just a bit." Axel said to Demyx, climbing out of the car.

"Yeah, sure." Demyx said. "Oh, hey man. You wanna grab some beer after this?"

"Beer? I'm not…" Axel trailed off. He was old enough now to drink. "Actually, that sounds great."

"Yea." Demyx smirked. "Man, your hair really is short."

Axel ran his hand over his almost non-existent hair. Buzz cuts were mandatory in there.

"Yeah, well, watch me grow it back and dye it right back to the color it was." He said, and turned around to head for the house. The plants around the front yard had either grown into eerie overhangs or withered away. He wondered for a moment if the locks hadn't been changed, but tried his keys anyway. They worked.

"The trip will be two weeks long." His father said, fixing his tie in the mirror. His mother was cooking silently, her waist twisting in rhythm with every move she made with the spatula. He was sitting behind the kitchen counter, watching her cook.

"Well, okay, honey." She replied, after what felt like too long a pause. "I'll wait for you right here."

Liar.

"I'll try to be back as soon as I can." His father smiled gently, and pulled her in for a kiss.

Would it be him this time? Or would she bring someone home? Or maybe both?

"Be a good boy to your mom when I'm gone, okay?" His father turned to him.

"Don't worry, Pop." He said.

He grabbed only the most essential needs – clothing, spare change, passport, checkbooks. The mail had stopped with the notice of termination of service from the gas and electric company. Maybe he'd even go find his lawyer to talk about selling the damn place.

As he came out of the house, locking it up probably for the last couple of times, he caught a movement on the street. It was Mrs. Caloure. She'd adored him when he was a kid. She was pushing the two boys from earlier into her house. One of them was brunet, and he was scurrying back into the house compliantly. The other wasn't so cooperative, and he was the one staring at Axel before – the blond one. Disregarding them, Axel moved towards Demyx's car.

"You murderer." She mumbled under her breath. Axel stopped. "What are you still doing here?"

He said nothing. Only a cold blank expression.

"Go away!" She screamed, throwing at him the fruits she could grab from a bowl near her door. "Leave this town! Don't ever come back!"

"Mrs. Caloure!" The blond boy yelled, trying to pull her back.

"Hey! What are you doing, bitch?" Demyx heard the outcry and almost lunged at her. She was stupefied at what he called her. Axel pushed Demyx back.

"It's alright, Mrs. Caloure. It'll be the last time you're seeing me anyway." He gave her a cold, impersonal, almost satanically horrifying smile. He and Demyx turned back to the car.

"Hey!" The blond boy yelled, stepping out from the porch.

"Roxas!" Sora exclaimed worriedly.

"Apologize!" Roxas demanded at Demyx. "Apologize for what you called her!"

"Huh?" Demyx looked at Roxas as if he was stupid. "'xcuse me?"

"I said apologize!" Roxas repeated, not backing down from the two taller men.

"Kid, you wanna pick a fight?" Demyx inched over to the boy. "You know who you up against?"

"I don't care who you are!" Roxas spat back in Demyx's face. "You talk like that to anyone here, you apologize!"

"Demyx. It's my day. Don't ruin it." Axel pulled his friend by the shoulder. "Let's go."

They climbed back into the car, despite Roxas' protest.

"Roxas! It's alright, boy!" Mrs. Caloure pulled Roxas back. "I don't mind, just let them leave. I just want them to leave!"

"Did you hear? The Denzil's are divorcing."

"Really? What happened?"

"I don't know, I heard that…"

All voices are talking; all ears are hearing, all eyes are looking.

"Poor Axel and Kairi…"

"What would they do with them?"

You people don't know shit. Quit acting like you care. Would you actually care if you knew the truth? Knew what was really going on? You didn't even care enough to find out.

"He must be traumatized…"

You people don't know shit.

"Who was that?" Demyx asked in the car as they drove to a nearby Safeway to get their beer.

"Mrs. Caloure. An old neighbor." Axel quietly replied.

"No, I'm talking about the kid."

"Which one?"

"The blond one."

"I don't know." Axel shrugged. "Never seen him before."

"Kid had some balls." Demyx laughed.

"It wasn't like you were actually gonna soup him up." Axel retorted.

"Naw. But he still had some balls." Demyx said as they pulled into the parking lot.

They got double boxes of beer, some snacks, water, Demyx got some diapers for his baby, and finally, Axel some much-needed cigarettes.

"I thought you'd quit when you were in there." Demyx said as he moved along in the line.

"And I thought you'd never have a kid of your own." Axel said as he opened his wallet. Fortunately his ID and credit cards were still valid; little proof of what he was worth before prison.

"Hey, I love that kid." Demyx said as he paid. "Cutest thing I'd ever seen in my life."

"Would you like plastic or paper bag?" A clerk interrupted their conversation. Axel turned to say "plastic" halfheartedly, but instead saw the blond boy from earlier.

"Ah." Roxas, at the same time, recognized them.

"Oh ho," Demyx laughed. "What a coincidence."

Roxas' face immediately grew unpleasant, or maybe even angry.

"Yes, it must be my unlucky day today." He said.

"Aw, loosen up, kid." Demyx said. "I'm sorry, man, I really didn't want to call that lady that. It's just what she was doing to Axel isn't fair."

"What's not fair about calling someone for what they are?" Roxas mumbled. "Sora told me about you. Said you were responsible for your own mother's death five years ago."

"And you believe it?" Axel asked simply.

Roxas thought he caught a trace of cynical smirk on Axel's face, but before he could react to it, his lips slipped out, "Yes…"

You people don't know shit.

"Well, that's a shame." Axel said in a tone that clearly read 'I didn't expect anything more from you than that'.

"Wait, what do you mean?" Roxas asked behind the leaving figure. Axel ignored him and went his way. Upon getting his stuff, Demyx followed suit.

"Apologize!" He heard. His knee was scraped and he was bleeding blood from the corner of his lips. Whoever said that was in front of him, blocking his vision from the other guys.

"Hello? Where are you from? Mars?" One of them said. "Why the fuck do we have to apologize?"

"No one has the right to beat another person up." The voice said. "Apologize for what you've done!"

"Hell no, we ain't apologizing to no fucking momma's boy."

"You…!"

"Dude, leave it." Axel stood up and patted his classmate's shoulder. "I don't wanna get you into trouble too."

Turning around, his classmate gave him a reassuring smile that was half-blurred by the soft sunlight, and turned back to the guys. "I've already called the teachers." He said to the bullies. "Rather, you guys should leave now if you don't wanna get into trouble."

The crowd pushed each other away with a few grumbles. Axel took a good look at his savior. It was the kid from his science class. If he remembered correctly, his name was Riku.

"Thanks, man." Axel smiled.

"No problem." Riku said. "Though, I couldn't see why you'd be one of their targets."

"It's 'cause…" He was almost tempted to tell the truth, but the last string of logic pulled it back. "They're just losers."

"Well, you've got that right." Riku shrugged in a matter-of-fact manner. A pause came before both of them burst out laughing, Axel wincing loudly afterwards from the pain that came from the spot on his stomach where he got kicked in. But it felt amazing. It was the first time someone was there for him, without reason, unconditionally. They went to Riku's house afterwards so Riku could patch Axel up. It got Axel's heart racing, sitting there letting Riku gently handle where he'd been hit to bruise blue. He knew he was in love.

With a swift stroke, the lighter breathes out a clean white-bluish flame. He brought the flame close to the cigarette and lit it up. Sucking in two small breaths, Axel sighed out in an ambivalence of relief and stress. Demyx came up behind him with a pat on the back.

"You ever thought of what you're doing next?" He asked.

"Thought about it." Axel shrugged, scratching his hair root with the cigarette in hand. Demyx's hands were full of grocery bags. A Daddy now. He couldn't stay and bother them for too long. "Get a job. Try to find a place for myself."

"You don't have to hurry to get out, you know." Demyx said. "You're welcome at ours anytime. I mean it."

"Sure, man." Axel took another breath of the cigarette. "Let's go."

After note: This is only the beginning of it all...