05. All These Things I Hate

Eli's POV

I stared into big, innocent sky-blue eyes, but they didn't stare back at me. My eyes trailed down to soft, pink lips that were stretching into a smile that revealed pearly white, perfectly straight teeth. Her angelic features radiated happiness.

It made me sick.

I felt like that because her happiness was directed at someone. Someone who wasn't me. Her eyes were locked on some guy with messy dark brown hair that I had seen around school a few times with Fitz. I was also aware of the tension between him and Clare's ex, K.C.

Oh yeah, I remember his name now. Reese.

It was obvious that whoever took the picture that I was intensely examining, caught the two off guard. Reese seemed to be in the middle of saying something while Clare pointed her index finger at him, her simple smile about to turn into laughter.

My stomach began to turn and I quickly clicked 'next' on the internet page. I clicked it again and again and again. Every picture I saw made me feel worse. She was always sitting next to him, seeming like she was having a good time. I scrolled down and read the comments on the pictures. Some girls were talking about how the cops came and everyone ran. I went back to my newsfeed and some people had posted the information on their statuses. I couldn't believe Clare would hang out with those people and engage in their juvenile activities. It all made my blood boil.

I signed out of Facebook and slammed my laptop shut, causing my room to go pitch black. I spun around in my chair, facing away from the desk. I hunched over, propping my elbows up on my knees and holding my head in my hands. My heart began to beat quickly as worrisome thoughts raced through my head. Was Clare changing? Did she have feelings for that kid? Did he feel the same? Was he going to take her away from me? Does she even care about me anymore? I was feeling angry, anxious, hurt, and depressed.

I shoved my hand in my pocket and pulled out my phone. I searched for Clare's number on my phone and when I found it, my fingers trembled with nervousness as they dashed across the keyboard. I read the text over a couple times to make sure there were no grammatical mistakes and that I said all I wanted to say. I finally hit send and tossed my phone onto my bed.

I stared off in thought into the darkness of my room. I became jittery as I started shaking my leg up and down. What I said to Clare might have been a little harsh, but she needed someone to put some sense back into her brain. Her 'great' friend Alli surely wouldn't. I was only doing her good, right?

My phone vibrated loudly, jolting me out of my thoughts. I snatched my phone from my bed and opened up Clare's reply. My heart stopped when I read the last part of her text.

Shouldn't you be too busy with your new girlfriend to be concerned with what's going on in my life?

Oh shit. Clare found out about her. I mean, I always knew she was going to find out. I just didn't think it'd be so quickly. I also didn't think of what to do when she did find out.

I was at a loss of words. I didn't know what to say to Clare. She was right. I chose to move on, therefore I didn't have the right to give my opinion. Not to mention, I broke her heart.

It killed me.

But it was my choice and I was with someone else now, so that's what I needed to focus on.

...Right?

My phone vibrated again in my hand and I read the name. Katherine.

You stopped replying to my messages earlier, why? Well, I'm going to sleep. Goodnight babe :)

I stared at my phone for a moment and then pressed the end button. I sighed as I ran my free hand through my hair. I didn't know what to do anymore. Well I knew what I had to do. Whether I wanted to do it or not was what I was unsure of. I had to continue my relationship with Katherine. But... did I want to?

I quickly shook my head. Of course I did. She made me happy. But Clare...

All of this was making my head spin and just wanted to stop thinking. I wanted to just sleep and escape from reality so I tossed my phone first onto my bed and then threw myself next to it. As soon as my head hit the pillow, my eyes grew heavy and I soon fell asleep.

XXXX

The next day at school, Adam and I sat on the floor in the hallway with our backs against the lockers. It was early in the morning, so the hallway was empty except for a few kids floating around. Adam's nose was buried in a newly released comic book, while my copy laid neglected on my lap. Normally, I would gladly read a new comic book, but now the only thing I could do was stare off into space and think about last night.

Adam peeked over at me from his comic book. He raised and eyebrow as he noticed I wasn't really being me. He closed his comic book and placed it beside him on the floor, "What happened?"

I guess I didn't hear him at first because he snapped his fingers a couple of times in front of my face, bringing my attention to him, "Huh?" I asked dumbly.

Adam asked, "What's up with you? You're out of it today," I could hear the concern in his voice.

I knew it was useless to beat around the bush with Adam. He would constantly press me to tell him what was wrong. And lying would be pointless as well. He knows me well enough to know when somethings wrong. I resented that sometimes. I mean, sometimes I just would rather keep to myself about my problems. However, I knew Adam only meant well.

I took a deep breath before saying, "I talked to Clare last night." I kept my eyes on the poster covered wall across from where we were sitting.

Adam's lips stretched into a big smile, "Really? How'd it go?" He asked eagerly.

My eyes drifted down to my hands in my lap. I was trying to avoid seeing the look of disappointment on Adam's face when I told him what happened. "Not so good."

"What happened?" His eager tone had completely disappeared. I had tried to avoid seeing his disappointment with my eyes, but I could still hear it through his voice.

I told him what happened. From me seeing the pictures, to what I said to her through text and what her reply was.

"Well I'm not surprised. She is right, you know," he said almost gently as if not to upset me.

"I know, I know," I said almost miserably as I leaned my head back against the locker, "I just wish things could be the way they were before, every things such a mess now."

Adam remained silent for a moment as if trying to choose his words carefully. "Things wouldn't be such a mess if you never-"

"Shut up!" I snapped, glaring intensely at Adam. My voice echoed throughout the empty hallway.

I couldn't let him finish that sentence. I knew what he was going to say. The words would've stung my heart too badly. I cringed at just the thought of them.

Adam had flinched when I snapped at him. I felt bad, he must have not seen this coming. Shit, I didn't even see this coming. I didn't know what came over me, but I just didn't want to hear what he was going to say. My guilt snapped me out of my momentary anger and I was about to speak, but Adam beat me to it.

"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't think-"

"Adam," I put my hand up with my palm facing him, signaling him to stop, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you, you didn't know."

Adam eyed me skeptically before cracking a smile, "I thought you were going to rip me apart, I almost shit my pants!" Adam let out a laugh.

I forced a light laugh, "I'm sorry!" I repeated. My best friend was slightly afraid of me. Nice.

"Its ok, dude," He stuck out his fist and I immediately pounded mine against his.

"But anyway," Adam started as he adjusted the beanie on his head, "You should apologize to Clare."

I sighed, "I know she deserves one, but I don't know if she'd listen to me."

Adam shurgged in uncertainty,"You don't know 'til you try, right?"

I casted my eyes back down to my hands and began twisting one of the skull rings on my fingers. "I guess." The tone of my voice was the opposite of my words: Hopeless.

"Well, hey," Adam sounded more positive, "You know Clare as well as I do. You know she's an understanding person and even though you guys are broken up, she still cares about you." He placed a hand on my shoulder causing me to look at him, "She'll listen." He said confidently.

I wish I felt as confident as he did about that. However, whether I was or not, I was going to apologize to Clare. I owed it to her. It was the least I could do for hurting her so much.

I didn't get the chance to reply to Adam because he lifted his hand from my shoulder to wave at someone behind me. I turned my head to the direction he was waving at and smiled.

Katherine waved happily at Adam and her face brightened up even more when she realized she caught my attention. Her dark brown hair flowed behind her as she bounced over to us.

Adam and I both got to our feet. When she reached us, Adam was the first to give her a hug. Most people would find that weird and suspicious, but Adam only did it because he knew mine and Katherine's hello would be longer than his.

After their hug, Katherine walked over to me with a big smile and we embraced each other into a hug. She pulled away from me and looked up at me, still wearing that smile. I looked down at her with a smirk. I closed the distance between us by planting a kiss on her lip gloss covered lips. I pulled away and quickly rubbed my lips with the back of my hand to remove the lip gloss on my lips, which Katherine giggled at.

I was happy on the outside, but on the inside I couldn't help but think about how I felt nothing when I kissed Katherine. When I kissed Clare, I felt this warm feeling that coursed throughout my body. I know that sounded cheesy and cliché, but it was true and it was an amazing feeling that I hadn't even felt with Julia.

I saw Adam fake gag at us. I rolled my eyes and reached around Katherine to lightly wack him. He was able to dodge me, but I just let it go and brought my attention back to Katherine.

"You're looking lovely today," I smirked as I brushed her side bangs out of her eye.

"I look like this everyday," She pointed her index finger at herself, the black nail polish chipping from her nail.

"Which is exactly why I tell you that you look nice everyday," I said smoothly.

She playfully rolled her eyes, "Good one."

Before I could reply, Adam cleared his throat loudly. Katherine and I turned our attention to him.

Adam looked slightly annoyed, "Can we head to breakfast now?" He pointed down the hall towards the cafeteria.

I chuckled, "Yeah, yeah." I wrapped my arm around Katherine's shoulders as we all began to walk to the cafeteria.

The entrance of Degrassi was coming up and through the transparent windows I spotted a head of brown curls. I immediately knew it was Clare. She entered the building, oblivious to the fact that I was heading her direction. She turned and began walking towards us with her eyes casted down at the ground.

I held my breath, hoping she would walk by without noticing. I didn't want to face her now; I didn't have enough time to think through what I wanted to say to her.

As she came closer to us, her beautiful blue eyes traveled up and we locked gazes. Her eyes slightly widened in surprise and her lips slightly parted. Without even thinking, I quickly removed my arm from Katherine's shoulders receiving a questioning look from her.

Clare averted her eyes away from me and quickened her pace. When she walked by me, I felt a strong urge to just reach out and stop her from walking away. I wanted to tell her that I was so sorry for everything and that she deserved so much better than all of this. And that I wished her nothing but the best in whatever she wanted to do.

I shoved those feelings away and brought my attention back to Katherine. I could see with my peripheral vision that she was still giving me a questioning look with her arms crossed across her chest. I finally made myself look at her and she stopped walking. I stopped shortly after with Adam following.

Adam looked back and forth between Katherine and I, "Uhh.. I'm gonna go over... there.." He said awkwardly pointing in the direction of the Cafeteria.

We didn't pay much attention to him so he got the point and left.

Katherine's eyebrows knitted together, "So, mind telling me what that was all about?"

I raised my eyebrow, "What?"

She narrowed her eyes, "Right when you saw Clare, you took your arm off of me."

It was my turn to narrow my eyes, "What are you trying to say?"

"You obviously don't want her to see you with me!"

I stared at her in disbelief, "Are you kidding me?"

She remained silent as her chocolate brown eyes that were lined with black eye liner glared at me accusingly.

I shook my head, "Katherine, you're being ridiculously paranoid."

Her head quickly jerked back as if she was taken aback by what I said. She looked ready to go off when I interrupted, "I'm with you, not her. I'm over everything that happened. You're the one I want to be with, I'm done with Clare. I'm the one who ended things between us."

The anger disappeared from her face and she dropped her gaze to the floor. It seemed as though so was going through an internal battle about me. A few strands of hair slipped from behind her ear, covering her face. I moved closer to her and tucked them back behind her ear, slid my hand down and cupped her cheek, "Do you believe me?" I asked so softly, it was almost a whisper.

She kept her eyes to the floor, but I could tell she was going to give in. A small smile stretched across her lips as she lifted her eyes to look at me, "Ok, I believe you."

I pulled her towards me and wrapped my arms around her. As I rested my chin on top of her head, my eyes spotted Clare again from a distance, rummaging through her locker.

Unexpectedly, Clare turned her head towards me. She stared directly at me and when I clearly saw the crestfallen look on her face, my heart literally hurt.

Of course I didn't mean it when I told Katherine all those things; I still love Clare. I just didn't want Katherine to know because I didn't want to lose her. I didn't want to be all alone again. I needed Katherine. I needed to get over Clare. It was for the sake of both of us.

A/N: It's been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry :/ But I'm here now :D What'd you guys think of this chapter? My writing wasn't at it's best -.- I kept getting stuck in some places. I hope you guys were able to sense the conflict Eli was going through. For the record, I am NOT changing Reese and Katherine to Jake and Imogen. I'm not sure how this is all going to go with the actual Degrassi storyline. Anyways, I would like to thank all of you for reviewing and what not. I appreciate it soooo much! Please review for this chapter and tell me your thoughts :)

P.S. You guys should follow me on twitter :) I need to see more Degrassi and other interesting stuff on my TL instead of people I know in real life talking about weed and sex -.- I'll always follow back. You can find my twitter on my profile.

P.S.S. I made a tumblr just for my account on here. I'll be posting updates, maybe sneak peeks of upcoming chapters, and, of course, Degrassi stuff! You can also ask questions and what not :) The link is on my profile.

Chapter Song:
Bullet for My Valentine - All These Things I Hate