Okay, so this is just a cute little one-shot I turned out to the prompt "peanut." I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

I don't own Doctor Who. I just own some of the action figures. They're all doing the awkward high school slow dance pose on top of my printer. It's amazing.

"Hello, Sweetie."

The Doctor groaned loudly. Ever since River had set foot in the TARDIS, she had been referring to him by his pet name. Actually, not his pet name: the pet name she had chosen for him. The Doctor highly doubted that in any future regenerations he would have an incessant desire to be called 'sweetie.' But he didn't really have a choice. Two weeks it had been, two whole Earth weeks. He, River and Amy had been to Space Florida, stopped an alien invasion on Atlantis, explored about half of the rooms in the TARDIS and had gone dancing at a real 70's Earth disco.

And the whole time, River had called him Sweetie.

It hadn't been, "Doctor, why has the kitchen been replaced with a room made of trampoline?" Oh no. It had been, "Sweetie, your kitchen's gone off and been switched out with the trampoline room." Not, "Doctor, why are you flying the TARDIS like that?" Instead it was, "Sweetie, you're just flying it entirely wrong."

He didn't mind being corrected every now and then, and he didn't mind the fact that River was never surprised by him. It was when she called him Sweetie – it just wasn't fair. He had plenty of opportunities to prove her otherwise when it came to saving planets, but he had no pet name to call her in return. The playing field was undoubtedly skewed. He had to fix that.

It was another morning in the TARDIS, Amy sitting on the console couch with a piece of buttered toast, him at the controls piloting them to their next destination. River had just walked in, still wearing her tank top and pajama bottoms.

"Good morning, Amy," she had smiled as she sat on the couch next to the redhead. Amy greeted her in return, offering a bite of toast to the archeologist.

"No, thanks Sweetie, I'm good for now."

Amy shrugged her shoulders and proceeded to take a large bite. That was the other thing that bothered the Doctor: that when River called Amy by the same pet name, his companion actually enjoyed it. As he fiddled with the zig zag plotter, he realized that he was just a little jealous. Just a bit.

"Sweetie?"

The Doctor turned to see River looking at him expectantly. He furrowed his brow: had she asked him something?

"The stove top?" She offered with a raised eyebrow.

He reached up and scratched his head. "What about it?"

River sighed loudly and turned to Amy.

"Told you he wasn't listening," the redhead giggled.

River bit her lip and faced the Doctor again. "I need your screwdriver to fix the connections on the spark, so it'll actually light."

"Oh! Oh, yeah…sure." He pulled his screwdriver out of his jacket pocket and tossed it to her. She caught it in one hand as she stood up and made a move towards the doorway.

"Thanks Sweetie!"

"Welcome, Peanut."

The Doctor's screwdriver fell from River's hands and clattered loudly on the floor. Amy looked at the Doctor with eyes the size of small grapefruits, her face poised in mid-bite of her toast. Even the TARDIS, who usually provided some soothing background noise, had fallen completely silent.

River turned on her heel very, very slowly to face the Doctor. "Excuse me?"

The Doctor didn't know what connection between his mouth and his brain had shut down, but he hadn't meant to say that. Sure, he was thinking it, but he didn't know…

"Nothing."

"No, not nothing," River said dangerously as she advanced towards him, "what did you just call me?"

The Doctor took a few steps backward, trying to hide behind the console. He didn't want to say it again: it had sounded weird then, and it would sound weirder now. "Ah…ah…don't you…have to fix the stove top or something?" He rambled quickly, hoping she would stop stalking him around the controls like a predator.

"Peanut?" She said angrily, her eyebrow raised.

"It…It was just an attempt to level the playing field."

"The what?" She spat venomously.

"You have a pet name for me, I just thought it was only fair if I had one for you."

"Doctor," she stood firmly, one finger extended threateningly, "I refuse to be called Peanut."

"But you call me Sweetie!" He cried out as he held up his hands, exasperated. The logic was solid! How could she not see it?

"That's not how it works, Doctor," she lowered her voice. The Doctor almost wished she had called him Sweetie because now she just sounded furious.

"You know, River," Amy piped up, both the Doctor and River turning to face her, "he'll probably forget it soon enough, and Peanut isn't that bad." She offered the suggestion hopefully.

River drummed her fingers on the console, her eyes narrowing in on the redhead. "He never forgets, and if you think Peanut isn't so bad, then you won't mind being…Bubbles." River wiggled her eyebrows at the statement.

"WHAT?" Amy cried, "Why'd I get Bubbles? And anyways, this is between you two, I'm not involved!"

"You are now, Bubbles, since your lovely little decision to inject on a perfectly good argument."

The Doctor looked on curiously in disbelief. "Can she really be Bubbles?"

River turned to face him, a sickly sweet smile on her face.. "Of course, Sweetie."

"HEY!" Amy shouted, dropping her toast on her lap. But the Doctor and River weren't paying attention.

"Can I call you Peanut?" The Doctor asked hopefully.

River relented, her anger waning. Besides, the whole situation was downright ridiculous: she might as well play along. "…Fine. But only if you continue to call her Bubbles."

"Deal."

River and the Doctor shook hands on it, much to Amy's disapproval.

"Alright Sweetie, I have to go fix the stove now. Look after Bubbles, will you?"

"I AM NOT BUBBLES!" Amy yelled.

The Doctor grinned at River. "Alright Peanut. You go fix the stove and I'll get Bubbles a new piece of toast."

Amy squeaked loudly.

River smiled and laughed. "Sure thing, Sweetie."

The End!

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