Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I barely own my mind… I think Jenova took it _

Reno: Cha, ya think?

Zack: Duuuuuuuuuude, for serious?

Cid: Ah quit ya bitchin' and drink ya gahdamn tea!

Harsh boys. =/

A/N: This is pure crack. Somehow we have the Turks, Avalanche (or WRO for those playing the home version) and SOLDIER! Featuring Reno, Tseng, Zack, Sephiroth, Cid, Vincent and Rufus. You could imply couplings, but you'd have to squint really really hard.

Rufus Shinra sat behind his massive desk and wanted nothing more than to drive his pretty little face into the smooth surface of his desk. "Why me," he was muttering repeatedly. He would not show how badly the six men that were in the office with him affected him. He would not pinch the bridge of his nose like the always composed Tseng. He would not scowl like the mighty Sephiroth. He would definitely not hide behind a high cowl of a cape like the enigma that is Vincent Valentine, though Rufus suspected that that man was also rolling his eyes.

Nope, he would not do any of that but he would demand silence.

"ENOUGH!"

The three men that were in the seats right in front of the President's desk immediately stopped speaking. Reno the Turk's Second in Command, Zack Fair SOLDIER, and Cid Highwind hands down the best pilot around finally and blissfully, shut up. The men and their immediate supervisors, though how Vincent was in charge of Cid remained a mystery to Rufus, were all being called onto the proverbial carpet.

Shin-Ra had just completed an extensive charity event with full blown media coverage. To say the event was a success was an understatement. Shin-Ra was turning a new page and gaining followers instead of detractors. The old violent tinged ways were long gone.

That was until the celebratory event that was covered worldwide.

"Someone please explain to me how this happened?" When six voices all started at the same time, Rufus held up a hand. "Someone that can speak English properly and without vulgarity," he amended.

When no one spoke up he looked to the one that would have the most information, though getting it would be like pulling teeth.

"Mr. Valentine, would you please tell me your version of the events as they occurred?"

Vincent stood utterly still, not even acknowledging that he heard the question. Just before Rufus could tap an irritated finger on his arm rest, Vincent looked up and made eye contact.

"It appears these men got involved in an altercation of some sort," the pale man said.

Rufus really tried not to roll his eyes and bit back the sarcastic comment.

"Well damn if it ain't Captain Fuckin' Obvious, yo."

"Reno!" Rufus scolded the redhead at the same time that Tseng struck out with his right hand and slapped the nuisance upside his head. Reno visibly flinched at the impact. Watching the interaction, Zack started pointing and laughing at his friend's humiliation. Sephiroth was not going to let the outburst go unchecked. He flicked this raven haired SOLDIER behind the ear. Immediately Zack went into 'kicked puppy look' mode. Cid snickered and muttered what Rufus thought sounded like, "fuckin' lil pansies." He wasn't entirely sure but when Vincent leaned over to whisper in the pilot's ear, Cid visibly paled.

"Sephiroth," Rufus called.

"I'm sorry sir, but I did not arrive until well after the altercation was over. I was otherwise detained," he responded.

Rufus slowly turned his head. He knew he should have asked Tseng first. His gut told him to and he normally followed it but I guess tonight he was a masochist for the punishment. Tseng didn't need any prompting to start the debriefing.

"Sir, it appears that at approximately 7:51 p.m. Mister Highwind and Reno came in contact with each other at the bar in the reception hall. I am unaware of the amount of alcoholic beverages they had consumed prior, but it appears that they continued to drink while holding a conversation."

Rufus really wished Tseng just got to the point sometimes. He resisted the urge to wave his hands in a rolling motion to have the Wutain proceed.

"At 8:24 p.m. Mister Highwind allegedly made a comment stating that Reno, and I quote sir, "couldn't fly his way out of a gahfuckin'damn canyan."

Rufus' lips twitched. Hearing Tseng speak in Cid's trademark drawl, curses and all was beyond humorous. It seemed that the speech affected everyone. Rufus glared at Reno to keep him silenced, Sephiroth placed a sharp hand on Zack's shoulder and Cid just sat there with his arms crossed and what Rufus assumed would be his version of a pout.

"Thank you… Tseng. I do still have a question. How did Zackary become involved in this?"

Zack visibly shifted in his seat as Tseng began relating the events.

"Well, sir it was at approximately 9:02 p.m. Zackary Fair approached both Reno and Mister Highwind. At this point many guests can confirm that all three were visibly intoxicated."

Rufus really wished Tseng got to the point at times.

"The conversation was mundane at first but quickly lead into a discussion of their weapons of choice. Zackary made a comment about how tiny Reno's EMR was in comparison to his Buster Sword. Mister Highwind then stated that his Spear was the best choice of them all. At this comment, both Zackary and Reno stated that Mister Highwind must be, ah…" Tseng paused momentarily. He had been so clinical in his retelling of events but this was too much.

"Go on, Tseng" Rufus commanded.

"They alleged that Mister Highwind must be over compensating for something," Tseng replied.

"Gahdamn fuckin' lil snot nose brats," Cid yelled. Vincent immediately rushed forward and put a calming hand on Cid's arm.

Sighing, Rufus regarded the men. "Mister Highwind, granted the discussion was highly inappropriate and you will get an apology from both Reno and Zackary, your reaction was not appreciated."

"Had to show them bastids that I wasn't over compensatin' for nuffin," he huffed.

"Mister Highwind, dropping trow is not acceptable in polite society. You are hereby suspended for one month for any WRO transport activities and you will be docked accordingly to pay for the damages from your antics as well as the brawl that then ensued. You are dismissed," Rufus stated.

Vincent didn't waste any time. He clasped his gauntlet gently around Cid's forearm and pulled him out of the chair and walked out of the office.

Once the office doors closed, Rufus visibly relaxed. The men that were remaining were closer to him than Cid and Vincent. Rufus got up out of his chair and walked around his desk. When he got to the middle his leaned his frame back so that he was resting against the cool glass and metal desk. He relaxed his pose, crossing his legs at the ankles and folding his arms over his chest.

"This was beyond any of your antics, boys. What were you thinking? This could have been a major embarrassment for the company. Be thankful that Reeve was able to retrieve all of the footage that was taken of this would be worse. You both will be docked the maximum allowable until all damages are paid for. As it is, I will not suspend either of you from duty. With that being said though, you will be working extra duty. I'm thinking 30/30."

When Reno and Zack both scratched their head and looked expectantly at Rufus, the blonde continued the explanation.

"Thirty days extra duty and thirty days of restriction. The only time you may leave this tower or any Shin-Ra compound that you may be assigned to is when on a direct mission. There will be no free time, understood?"

The boys nodded their assent.

"Do you boys have anything to say for yourselves?" Rufus asked.

Reno and Zack glanced at each other. Rufus was the first to notice it, then Tseng. Zack's eyes glazed over and his easy smile turned into something maniacal. Reno's charming grin turned into the sly devilish one.

"Now that you mention it sir," Zack said as he inched forward in the chair.

"We was wonderin' if," Reno paused to lick his lips and look around the room. Rufus leaned forward just in case Reno was going to whisper.

"See, we was wonderin' if Sephy over thar is ovah compensatin' too," Reno said with a wink before he jumped out of the chair and charged to the door. Zack was hot on his heels.

Rufus blinked then started laughing uncontrollably. It took a moment before Sephiroth realized what was said. He growled at both Tseng and Rufus before charging out of the office in search of the two youngsters.

Rufus was laughing so hard he thought he would cry. Finally after a few moments he calmed himself down enough to speak with the Director.

"I was going to have you take care of Reno's extra duty but I believe I'll let Sephiroth handle that. Maybe they can find the answer to their question," Rufus said as he slide down to the floor holding his sides from the newest round of laughter.

Tseng sniffed at the antics of the President and straightened out his already pristine suit.

"And they wonder why I prefer hand guns," Tseng said as he walked out of the office.