Commission for Ladelle. If you're interested in commissioning me, PM me and I will send you the pricelist.

"Neji?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

"Does it count as the Walk of Shame if you ask someone on a date on the way home?"

"Ah," Neji said in a wise voice, or as wise as you can get when you're dunking a teabag. "You are referring to the fabled Walk of Shame for Sluts."

Naruto, who was still wearing last night's clothes plus one beer stain and had only walked in the front door twenty seconds previously, leaned against the kitchen table and crossed his arms in his 'serious pose'.

"But that's only if they agreed to the date, right?"

"I wasn't aware that there was any kind of Walk of Shame other than the slut variety, myself," Shikamaru mumbled from the comfort of the pillow his arms were currently forming on the table.

"So basically," Neji said as he popped the pedal bin and dropped the used teabag in it, "You got lucky last night, tried to chat up some poor diurnal person on the train home and got shot down?"

"What's diurnal?"

"The opposite of nocturnal," Shikamaru put in helpfully.

"Oh, right." Naruto cocked his head to the side, face screwed up in contemplation. Knowing this could take a while, Neji went to the fridge and got the milk out, adding it to the three mugs of tea sat on the counter. He added sugar to two of them and handed out the sweetened ones to the current invaders of his kitchen. He put the milk away, washed the teaspoon that had stirred the tea, and unplugged the kettle.

Naruto was still thinking.

"It's not rocket science, Naruto."

"I know! I'm trying to think whether he actually turned me down!" Seeking the mystic powers of tea, Naruto took a sip of his and let out a sigh of relief; as if this was the refreshment he had been seeking his entire life.

"So it's a man this time?" Shikamaru's head left his arms as his hands circled around his own cup.

Naruto frowned, turning around so that he was looking at the brunet. "What else would it be?"

"Well, you see Naruto, there are these creatures called women. You know, the ones that don't have penises?"

"Oh right." The blond laughed and took another gulp of tea. Neji took a seat at the table, running his hand through his bedhead hair. "I've sworn off women."

His friends looked at each other doubtfully, and Shikamaru chose to speak up. "Um, since when? Because I'm pretty sure that was a female I saw you leaving with last night."

"Unless you've developed a taste for hermaphrodites," Neji put it, leaning back in his chair. Neither of the seated men were particularly shocked by what was coming out of Naruto's mouth, he frequently came home after a night out babbling about some strange new outlook on life or another that he acquired with the help of a few pints. Or in today's case, he had come to Neji's home to be specific. Neji made a mental note to ask later why both Naruto and Shikamaru were in his kitchen at eight o'clock in the morning.

"We're getting off the subject!" Naruto whined, jiggling up and down and adding a fetching tea stain to his dishevelled ensemble. "I'm not sure whether this guy actually said 'no' to a date with me!"

"Well, there's a very easy test for this," Neji said. He gestured to the seat opposite him, and Naruto finally sat down. "Now, women have been using this technique for hundreds of years, Naruto, so it's absolutely sure to work."

Naruto leaned forward, his mouth hanging open slightly as if Neji's every word was causing his jaw to go slack. Even Shikamaru perked up a bit.

"Did he say yes, or did he say no?"

"Hey! You said this was an easy test!" Naruto protested, looking crestfallen.

"How hard can it be, Naruto?" Shikamaru groaned, covering his face with his hand. "Did either one-syllable word come out of the man's mouth?"

The blond looked to Neji. "Does 'I'd rather date a baboon' count as a no?"

"That's a pretty decisive rejection," Neji affirmed. Ignoring the way Naruto practically melted on his table in a morose, hungover puddle, he moved to the next unsolved mystery of the morning. "Now what was this about swearing off women?"

The puddle had temporarily lost the power of speech, and so more tea was made. Never underestimate the healing properties of tea.

Once he had a bit more caffeine and sugar in his system, Naruto seemed ready to consider the question. "Well, have you ever had that thing?"

"There are many things in this world. Elaborate."

"Oh, you're not listening!" Naruto was positively pouting by this point. "You know, that thing where you like, meet someone and you wonder what you saw in everyone else you ever slept with?"

"Christ, he's in love," Shikamaru groaned, and replaced his head on his arms.

Neji, being the mystery-solver this morning, put two and two together. "So you've sworn off women because you saw this guy, who you've apparently fallen head over heels for, and you tried to ask him out but got turned down?"

Naruto snapped his fingers. "That's what I've been trying to tell you for ten minutes!"

"Forgive us for not speaking Narutard," Shikamaru muttered to the table. This was followed by a few minutes of silence, in which Naruto took the opportunity to make himself a bowl of cornflakes. Neji sat in his seat, evidently used to his food stores being filched by the blond party animal, and Shikamaru seemed to go to sleep.

"So anyway," Naruto said once he had ensured his mouth was full of cereal, "I need to go on a date with this guy! Like, seriously dudes! He's... just so..." Cornflakes fell from his mouth as he took on the slack-jawed expression again.

Neji decided it was time to take Naruto seriously. It had been at least six months since he'd willingly let food fall out of his mouth, this was serious business. "Naruto, I don't mean to put a downer on this conversation, but you met this guy on the tube on the way home. And even if you could trace him down, there's not much chance of you convincing him to go on a date with you."

Shikamaru, who apparently wasn't asleep, chimed in with, "He's probably straight. Naruto's a hard guy to ignore."

Naruto put another spoonful in his mouth and managed to chew this time.

"Do you even know this guy's name?" Neji asked.

Naruto nodded vehemently and swallowed. "Yeah, sexiest name ever. Sasuke." His eyes started to glaze over again so Neji reached across the table and smacked his cheek.

"Stay with us Naruto, you need to be conscious if we're going to be of any help to you."

"We're helping him?" Shikamaru protested, though it was probably the laziest protest in history because his head still didn't come off his arms.

"He chose my cereal over his ramen for breakfast, he obviously came round looking for help." Neji rested his elbows on the table and steepled his fingers in front of his face, looking every bit the evil genius that he was, if a little bit dishevelled and wearing pyjamas.

"You know, the name actually sounds familiar... Did you get his last name, Naruto?"

"How did you even get his name in the first place is what I'd like to know..." Shikamaru was full of helpful anecdotes today.

"Oh yeah, it was some really weird name..." Naruto put his spoon down in his cereal bowl and scratched his head, clearly thinking hard. "It began with a 'U', I remember that much."

"So we have 'Sasuke U' to work with," Neji said musingly. "I can pull up a name search on my computer later and we'll take a look and see if you recognise one of the surnames."

Shikamaru, being the genius genius and not just an evil one like Neji, was already miles ahead of both of them. "It's Sasuke Uchiha. He works for his father at Uchiha Incorporated and is an absolute dickhead."

The light bulb went off over Naruto. "That was his name! Uchiha! I thought it was funny because it made me think of laughing!" At the blank look he received from Neji, he explained. "You know, like Uchihahaha..."

"I bet he loved you," Shikamaru muttered.

"Well, there you go Naruto," Neji said, sounding relieved that the problem had been dealt with and he could now leave Naruto to get his new crush with whatever method he chose. "Problem solved. Now if you don't mind, can you both go back to your own homes so that I can go back to bed? It is a Sunday."

He needn't have said anything. Naruto was already out of the door and sprinting for his apartment, and Shikamaru really was asleep this time.

"I have such wonderful friends," he sighed, heading back to bed.

(-)

Sasuke didn't normally work on a Sunday, but he'd been bored sat all alone in his clean modern apartment and had decided to come in and do something productive with his day off. The fact that he wouldn't be salaried for this overtime didn't bother him. Sasuke Uchiha was a man who was married to his work and no other. Money did not enter into the equation.

Unless he wanted to buy something.

By the time he reached the building however, he was regretting ever leaving his flat in the first place.

"I should have worked from home," he grumbled as he searched through his blazer for his keycard and swiped himself into the foyer, which was blissfully empty for once. His shoes echoed over the reflective black floor as he stomped over to the lifts and got into one, putting his keycard back in his pocket and setting his briefcase on the ground as he took the opportunity to make sure his suit hadn't been damaged by that drunken lout.

Seriously, if there was one person who needed an education in the English language, it had been that man. "It's not that difficult to understand that no means no," he muttered to himself once he had straightened his collar and re-aligned his tie. "Shouldn't let drunks on the trains anyway... A disgrace to society..."

The lift pinged as it reached his floor, and Sasuke picked up his suitcase and stepped into the carpeted corridor that led to his office. He may have just been a paper pusher with a fancy name and a hefty salary, but at least he got his own office. With a name plaque and everything.

He could have hugged his chair once he opened the door, he was that happy to see it. He didn't, but he really wanted to. He settled instead for shutting his door, walking over to his desk and sinking with dignity into the plush comforts of the chair. And then his forehead and his desk got nicely acquainted.

It wasn't as if being asked out was a new experience for him, although his permanent glare tended to ward off only the bravest of suitors. It was just that he had never experienced someone quite so persistent.

The man had clearly been drunk... or was a sex addict... or both. He reeked of both alcohol and sex, after all. Although he hadn't really seemed drunk so much as just stupid and really desperate for a date.

If he had presented himself with a bit more decorum, Sasuke might have pretended to consider the offer; he wasn't a complete bastard. In fact, he probably wouldn't have needed to pretend, the man had been quite a looker even with a shadow of stubble on his jaw and a beer stain on his shirt.

If Sasuke was completely honest with himself, he had actually been eyeing the man (Naruto, he'd introduced himself as Naruto) from across the train before the blond had even laid his unfocused gaze on Sasuke.

Maybe he's not so annoying when he's sober, his mind supplied as Sasuke logged into the company computer system. Maybe he's actually a nice guy once you get to know him. Probably a fiend in bed as well if that body was anything to go on.

"Spreadsheets, spreadsheets," he murmured out loud, knowing that he was letting his mind wander into dangerous territory. It had been at least two years since his last sexual encounter, and probably even longer since he'd actually summoned the patience to date someone. Sasuke had this nasty tendency of getting bored very quickly and had eventually just decided to give up on relationships in general.

Two years of only his hand for company was starting to get to him though. Even the least sociable of creatures want nothing more than a good fuck every once in a while. Oh god, now his mind had said 'fuck' and really put the situation in perspective.

"I need to get laid," he sighed to himself, clicking open the first spreadsheet document he came across for something to stare at. Letting his eyes glaze over at they stared beyond the numbers, his mind wandered back to tanned skin, bright blue eyes and shocking yellow hair. A t-shirt that didn't exactly hide a built torso and jeans that left absolutely nothing to the imagination.

"Why the fuck did I say no?"

Because he was a douche bag with the intelligence of a gibbon and the persistence of a telemarketer... And I'm socially retarded.

He shook himself, deciding to actually do some work because it would take his mind off the situation. "Spreadsheets, spreadsheets..."

(-)

Naruto was a man with a plan.

As soon as Shikamaru had told him just who the love of his life and future husband was, he had rushed home and jumped in the shower. He'd scrubbed himself until he was sure he didn't smell like a sleazy strip club, and washed his hair twice, just like the bottle recommended. He'd even shaved, something he only bothered to do for special occasions like birthdays. And ramen outings.

Then he'd stood naked in front of his wardrobe for ten full minutes before declaring to his pigsty of a bedsit that he had absolutely nothing to wear and making himself a cup of instant ramen to try and cheer himself up. Because ramen had similar mystic powers to tea, after the consumption of the food he had found something to wear and had put it on.

He was now stood in the tube station, leg jerking with excitement because he was going to get the man of his dreams, waiting for the Piccadilly line to turn up so that he could sit on it and ride around until Sasuke got back on the train.

The possibility that Sasuke could get in a different carriage, or even get on a different train, was just not likely.

He had known that he could be in for a long ride and had brought his iPod, which he now proceeded to stick in his ears and whack on full blast. He'd also made sure to bring food, although granted a packet of crisps and a Twix wasn't quite the same as ramen but it would do.

His back pockets were also overflowing with condoms.

A rush of wind pre-empted the arrival of the tube and then the doors were rushing past him, slowing to a stop with a painful screech.

"Mind the gap," the woman on the tannoy warned, and Naruto did so as he stepped into the warmth of the carriage and found himself a seat that wasn't wet, covered in sick or the victim of chewing gum rape. The doors closed with a hiss and the train sped off into the darkness of the tunnels.

He sat contentedly in his seat for ten minutes, twiddling his thumbs and nodding his head to the music. Every now and then he would sing a lyric if he knew it.

Fifteen minutes passed and he found himself checking his watch. He had started to play Tetris on his iPod to pass the time.

Twenty minutes of riding around and he was starting to get a little impatient. The elderly woman in the seat opposite him had lifted her Daily Telegraph up to hide his venomous glare from her sensitive old eyes.

He cracked at twenty-two minutes.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BASTARD?" he demanded of the lady, who screeched in alarm and flattened the pages to either side of her head in defence. "I'VE BEEN ON THIS TRAIN FOR HOURS! HE'S TOYING WITH ME!"

And then he felt rather tired, and decided to take a nap.

(-)

Sasuke felt calm after six hours of staring at numbers. All previous thoughts about agreeing to dates with drunken strangers and needing to reignite his sex life were safely tucked away in that little vault at the back of his mind that had a twelve-digit combination code and fingerprint recognition in order to access it.

His mind was blissfully empty, ready for him to make himself a nice home-cooked meal when he got home followed by some telly, and then sleep until tomorrow when he could go back to work and do it all over again.

You could say that Sasuke Uchiha was as close to happy as Uchiha's got. He even had a slight spring in his step as he made his way down the quiet suburban street towards the tube station. He drew the line at swinging his briefcase, however.

I'll make a nice cup of tea when I get in, he thought, and his evening perked up even further at the thought of hot Indian beverages.

Sasuke liked tea.

He climbed onto the escalator that took him underground and into the tube station, swiping his oyster card on the turnstile so that he could get through before checking on the display screen how many minutes he had until the next Piccadilly line arrived. The screen said four minutes, which meant he had six, so he went to the pastry stand that separated the North platform from the South platform and bought himself a sausage roll to tide his stomach over until he got home.

The train arrived eventually and he got on with wearier feet than he had had walking to the station. He was pleased to notice that the carriage was virtually empty, which was a huge bonus because Sasuke despised human interaction, especially in sardine-like conditions. He sat down in the seat right next to the door, propping his briefcase on his lap, and closed his eyes for a few brief moments.

A snore to his left caused him to jerk his eyes right back open.

That wasn't me, was it? he wondered in a slight state of panic. God forbid that he be caught snoring in public. But then it happened again, this time louder and definitely not from his lungs, and Sasuke realised it was someone else.

Namely the person who was curled up across the three seats next to him, whom Sasuke hadn't even noticed until right this very second.

The very blond person.

Sasuke stared. Naruto's head was on the seat right next to him, and was perfectly visible in all its Adonis-like glory. He had shaved in the time between now and their initial meeting, and he was wearing a different shirt.

Sasuke couldn't help but notice how yellow Naruto's lashes were. They were like blond crescent moons, fringing the fair amount of freckles that were dusted over his straight nose and tanned cheeks. It was actually quite endearing.

Well, until Naruto snored again.

Sasuke stared in disbelief. What were the chances of meeting this man again? He didn't like to admit it, but now that Naruto looked a bit more cleaned up, Sasuke was sorely regretting turning him down in the first place. His eyes took a quick dip down to Naruto's waist, where the t-shirt had ridden up just enough to show off a bit of bronzed hip, before he centred back in on Naruto's face.

His hair looked really clean. Sasuke wanted to touch it.

Should I wake him? he wondered, watching as Naruto's tongue snaked out to moisten his lips in his sleep. Why was Naruto still even on the train? It was obvious that he had gone home at some point because he had cleaned up, but why was he back on the train? And why was he sleeping on it?

Sasuke didn't like to think he was big headed, but he was fairly sure that he was the reason. That made Naruto's presence less coincidental and much more stalkerish. The rose-tinted glasses slipped a little, though not enough to make Sasuke unaware of just how attractive Naruto was.

He was just about to wake Naruto up and demand an explanation when the blond did it by himself. He sat up with a long, very feline stretch and a massive yawn, a headphone falling out of his right ear, and then he rubbed at his eyes like a five year old.

He turned his head to the side and broke out in a massive grin.

"Hey! My plan worked!"

Sasuke put his 'I'm very important and don't care but I'm asking to be polite' face on. "Your plan?"

"To bump into you again!" Naruto stowed his iPod away in his jeans, forgetting to turn it off in his excitement, or to even wrap the wires up neatly. A jumbled mass of orange headphones spilled out of his pocket like it had vomited electrics. "I knew if I waited on the train long enough you'd show up!"

That could have been a very long wait.

"I see."

"So!" Naruto shuffled closer, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "Go on a date with me?"

Yes.

"No."

Naruto's face fell like a ton of bricks, and Sasuke wondered why exactly he had said no. Was it his pride that he was trying to maintain? Because if that was the case, he had thrown pride out the window the minute he had accepted that he was as gay as rainbows when he was twelve.

"Why not?" Naruto pleaded, grabbing the sleeve of Sasuke's blazer and tugging it a little. "I'd pay and everything!"

Sasuke was still letting his reasonable alter ego take the reins, though he was becoming more and more disagreeable with the decisions it was making. "I don't know you. We are total strangers."

"So we could get to know each other! I'm patient, we don't have to have sex on the first night if you don't want!"

Oh, I do want.

"No means no, Naruto. Find someone else to annoy."

Some of the people on the train let out a collective sigh, knowing the entertainment was over. They took in a breath as one again when Naruto tugged harder on Sasuke's sleeve, pulling him right up close. At this distance, Sasuke was made aware of Naruto's rather bland choice in aftershave. His breath was also quite minty, which was strange considering the guy had been asleep.

Naruto didn't make any movement to put some distance between their faces. In fact, he grinned wolfishly and leaned in a little closer. "I promise I'll make it good for you, Sasuke," he purred, and Sasuke shuddered a little as humid air left Naruto's lips and ghosted over his like a warm wave.

"I'm not about to place my trust in a complete stranger, and one who doesn't respect personal space at that," he replied curtly, knowing that his lips really weren't that far away from Naruto's. It was as though the rest of the carriage was suspended in a watery alternate universe that didn't concern the two of them, didn't even relate to them.

Naruto seemed to sense this strange isolation as well, because he certainly didn't have any qualms about kissing Sasuke right there on the London Underground.

Two things happened. The watery world became tangibly solid and real again, and Sasuke accidentally moaned against Naruto's lips. And in that moment, all hell broke loose.

"Oh, how disgusting! And right in public as well!"

"Absolutely no decency, this country is going to the dogs I tell you!"

"Well the one on the left could pass for a girl I suppose but I'm fairly sure they're both boys, Elspeth."

"Oh my god, Ino, look. Quick, LOOK!"

Sasuke finally regained control of his body as the mutterings all around them (which sounded like outraged screams to him) became more excited and were interspersed with a few girlish giggles. Naruto for his part appeared not to give a holy flying fuck because he had currently fixated his hand in the back of Sasuke's hair and was pressing their mouths even more firmly together, something which Sasuke immediately tried to resist.

He planted his hands on Naruto's (very firm) chest and shoved as hard as he could without causing permanent damage to the hair that Naruto still had a firm grip on.

"What the fuck are you doing? We're on a train you idiot!"

Naruto's lips quirked in a smirk. "You're absolutely right. We should wait until we're somewhere more private."

"There's nothing to wait for! It is not going to happen!" Any idea in Sasuke's head that it could have happened (and probably would have if the train hadn't been full of what appeared to be the British Anti Gay movement) was now promptly gone, his natural Uchiha pride (or what was left of it) simply not allowing this tomfoolery to carry on any further.

The train jolted to a holt just as the mutterings died down a little bit, the spectacle appearing to be over. "This is your stop, Naruto," Sasuke growled through gritted teeth.

Naruto turned and looked through the window behind them. "What? I don't live in Hammersmith-"

"This is your stop, Naruto."

Naruto got the message and scrambled to his feet. "I'll call you," he chuckled, waving one of Sasuke's business cards before stepping off the train and leaving Sasuke searching his pockets to check that Naruto hadn't magically stolen anything else off his person.

(-)

"So you got his business card and you kissed him? Not bad, Uzumaki, not bad. Check." Kiba sat back in his armchair with a smug look on his face, staring down at the chess board where Naruto's King was currently in a bit of a tight spot.

"I told you, not even Sasuke Uchiha can resist the Naru-meister." Naruto moved his castle one square to the right, putting his King out of check for the time being. "I wish you hadn't taken my Queen."

"You were more preoccupied with another Queen," Kiba chuckled, sliding a bishop in to block a pawn that had been creeping its way over to the enemy lines.

Naruto's knight did an L-shaped dance and took the bishop out of commission. "Oh my god, Kiba, you don't even know how much the dude is stuck in my mind right now. I'd be on the phone to him right fucking now if I wasn't playing chess with you."

"It doesn't help that you only have his office number and it's currently eleven o'clock at night on a Sunday, either." Kiba's Queen was shifted diagonally two squares. "Check."

Naruto stared at the board for a few minutes, stroking the non-existent beard on his chin thoughtfully. Finally, he picked up the same knight that he had used to take out the bishop, and swept Kiba's Queen off the board. "Checkmate, I do believe."

Kiba stared. And then groaned. "How can you be such a dumbass, but you're almost as good as Shikamaru at chess?"

"He's insanely lucky," Shikamaru piped up from the corner where he was reclined on his couch with a cigarette dangling from his lips, apparently ceiling-watching because there were no clouds indoors. "He has absolutely no technique whatsoever. Kind of like his courting rituals."

"Hey! That business card swipe was all technique!" Naruto protested, setting up the board again in the wrong order and proving just how true Shikamaru's statement was.

"I'd bet you fifty pounds that it fell into your hand when you grabbed his blazer," Shikamaru replied drily, flicking the lid on and off of his Zippo lighter. "You're all luck and no skill, Uzumaki."

"Well, either way I'm gonna get Sasuke to go on a date with me!" Naruto declared before taking a long and therapeutic swig of beer. He swallowed the large mouthful with difficulty. "I don't care if its luck or skill, I'm gonna do it."

"And you know what? I'd actually bet money on you succeeding," Shikamaru replied with absolutely no sarcasm for once.

"Yeah, you always get you what you want, lucky bastard," Kiba grumbled.

Naruto practically beamed. "Just you wait boys. This time tomorrow, he'll be mine for sure."

(-)

Sasuke had been in a glaring match with his office phone for at least ten minutes now. He kept daring it to ring, and it always forfeited the dare which was infuriating because usually he had to unplug the damn thing to get it to shut up.

Wait, was it plugged in?

It was.

If he was being perfectly honest with himself, Sasuke didn't have a clue what he was going to say when Naruto called him. Whilst his brain was absolutely demanding a shag as soon as possible (and preferably courtesy of the blond), his mouth always seemed to have other ideas. Sasuke assumed that his mouth thought it was being witty and banterous by playing this silly game of hard to get, but in reality, it was making him wonder if he had a split personality disorder.

"I don't know what it's done to upset you, but I think the phone has learned its lesson Sasuke."

"Unfortunately the phone is just a scapegoat so that I don't glare at you instead, Itachi."

Sasuke's brother chuckled and leaned against the frame of Sasuke's office door, blazer folded over his arm and hair swinging down his back in a loose ponytail. "You're even more of a dick than usual, little brother. Care to impart the woes of your soul to your dear older brother?"

"I'd rather get mental therapy from a goldfish."

"Nice to see your sense of humour remains intact in this dark hour."

When it became clear that Sasuke wasn't going to take his eyes off the phone, Itachi sighed and stood up straight again. "Father wants those spreadsheets finished by lunchtime, so any plans you're intent on making once the phone rings should be scheduled for after that."

"I already did the spreadsheets, I came into work yesterday."

To Sasuke's utter bewilderment (and slight fear), Itachi laughed. It was the creepiest sound he'd ever heard in his life, and he'd been exposed to weird shit in his lifetime. "We'll make an Uchiha out of you yet, little brother."

"I wasn't aware that I wasn't one."

"You and I both know-"

But what they both knew was never revealed because the phone finally decided to yield its secrets and gave a harsh ring that jarred through Sasuke's entire skeleton.

"I'll leave you to it," Itachi said, and Sasuke could hear him roll his eyes before the older brother stepped out and shut the office door behind him.

His hand shot to the receiver, but he waited for it to ring two more times before he actually lifted it from the cradle. He didn't want to sound desperate after all.

"Sasuke Uchiha."

"Um, hello, my name is Karin Eagle and I'm calling on behalf of-" Slam.

Sasuke was going to start breaking shit in a minute. Not two seconds had passed before the phone began to ring again, and this time he picked up on the first ring.

"No, I'm not interested in your marketing ploys right now because I'm currently waiting for an important call that could determine the fate of my non-existent sex life." Slam.

Ring.

"Persistent bitch!" he growled, ripping the phone from the receiver and slamming it to his ear. "What?"

"So, no current sex life huh?" a deep voice chuckled. If Sasuke had been standing he would have fallen over, because right then he lost the power over his knees. "We'll have to change that, won't we Sasuke?"

"I wasn't talking about you, dumbass." Sasuke could see Itachi leering through the window and gave him the rudest one-handed gesture he could muster.

"Uh-huh, sure. Anyway, about that date, I was thinking we could go to that restaurant in Chelsea that's owned by Gordon Ramsay, say about seven?"

"The Foxtrot Oscar?"

"That's the one! What would I do without your memory Sasuke? It's like you complete me."

Sasuke couldn't help rolling his eyes. "I'm sure you coped just fine before my randomly important existence in your life, Naruto."

"But now I am perfect!" Naruto said with a laugh so gay it made Sasuke cringe away from the phone a bit. "So, seven yeah?"

"Hn, we'll see."

"I'll take that as a yes. Byeeee!" And for the first time in years, someone hung up on Sasuke first.

Sasuke stared at the phone for a few minutes, and then replaced it gently in its cradle, as if the very spirit of Naruto was now imbued in the device. There was a moment where he didn't do anything except blink very slowly, and then with precise movements he reached into his desk and withdrew his diary.

"Seven o'clock, Foxtrot Oscar," he muttered as he wrote it down. I wonder if that idiot can afford a place like that?

He calmly set his pen down on the desk, closed the diary and replaced it in his drawer. A few more moments of bemused blinking followed, in which time he noticed that the majority of the corridor was gathered outside his office and peering in.

"Spreadsheets, spreadsheets..."

(-)

Seven o'clock came, and found Sasuke walking down the high street of Chelsea in a button-down black shirt and a pair of fitted jeans. He could see the Foxtrot Oscar looming in the distance, and was dismayed to find that his stomach dropped a little when he couldn't spot the shock of blond hair he'd been expecting. Maybe Naruto was inside the restaurant?

Or he stood me up.

Sasuke shook that little thought out of his head before it could lodge itself in and fester. Naruto wouldn't go to all this trouble just to stand him up.

Would he?

The restaurant wasn't very imposing from the outside, though it looked respectable enough. The outside was pretty small too, but there were stairs leading to a lower floor where he presumed there were more tables, because he couldn't see Naruto at all.

A very French and flamboyant waiter sidled over in that slightly creepy manner that makes it look like they're sliding rather than walking, a menu in his hand and a grin plastered on his smarmy face.

"Good evening monsieur, you 'ave a table booked?"

"Um, yeah. It's under..." And now Sasuke realised that he didn't actually know Naruto's surname. He might have been told it upon first being introduced, but at the time he hadn't really been paying proper attention.

The waiter watched him expectantly.

"Um... Naruto?"

The waiter frowned and picked up a large diary off the dumbwaiter, opening it to the marked day. "Ah yes! Ze blond chap, very nice man, very nice. 'E 'as been waiting for you, Monsieur Uchiha."

A weight lifted off Sasuke's shoulders that he hadn't even known had been there. He let the waiter take his coat and ordered a drink at the bar, before being led down the small spiral staircase into another part of the restaurant. Without the windows shedding daylight upon the tables, the area was dark and lit only by dim yellow lights that fanned out on the wood panelling.

Even so, it was impossible to miss that hair, right in the corner.

"Sasuke!" Naruto stumbled to his feet, knocking over his chair as he did so and waving excitedly. "You came!"

"Obviously," Sasuke replied as he took a seat. Naruto picked his chair up and sat down on it again, his face ridiculously animated.

"I thought you weren't gonna come for a minute then! I mean, obviously I never doubted my charms but you always struck me as the punctual type and you're three minutes late and-"

"Pass me the menu please, Naruto."

"Oh, sure." The menu was passed, and Sasuke flipped it open to see if there was anything actually worth eating in this restaurant. "But yeah I'm so glad you're here! We're going to have such a good time but I promise that we don't have to do anything after if you don't want, although I'm not opposed if you do wanna if you know what I mean." Insert waggling eyebrows here.

"I think I'll go for the caprese salad for starters," Sasuke mused, clearly ignoring Naruto's every word. "And then for my main... Ah, pasta with tomato mascarpone will do nicely."

"They do ramen here, you know!"

Sasuke fixed Naruto with a dry stare. "Is that the only reason you chose this restaurant?"

"Yes! No! Maybe?"

At that point, Sasuke's gin and tonic appeared. Naruto saw an opportunity and raised his beer glass. "To our first date!"

Sasuke chinked glasses with him, one eyebrow raised, and then sipped his bitter beverage whilst Naruto chugged about a third of his beer. "You're intending for more to come, Naruto?"

It was as if he'd asked Naruto a trick question. "Well, yeah! Of course! What, were you thinking we'd have one date and then never see each other again?"

"Something like that," Sasuke muttered, not really feeling as wishful as he sounded. In fact, it felt like the bubbles of his G&T has magnified in his stomach and were fizzing, making his insides tingle.

"Well, we're not!" Naruto said adamantly. "Going to stop dating, I mean."

"Let's just see how this one goes first," Sasuke said, setting his drink down carefully and signalling the waiter.

(-)

The more Naruto stared into those fathomless black eyes, the more he knew he was absolutely in love with this man. In fact, it wasn't just the eyes! It was everything! It was the pale skin, the silky black hair, the upright posture and the slim shoulders... It was the way Sasuke degraded everything that he said as if they had been bantering their entire lives. It was the slim finger that occasionally traced the rim of the glass. It was the small, delicate bites that he speared on his fork rather than the great chunks that Naruto tended to shove in his mouth whole.

Naruto hadn't known that watching someone eat could make you fall in love with them until now. He was definitely pleased he hadn't suggested a movie, though that could come later (along with back of theatre benefits of course, nudge nudge).

And of course, Sasuke was falling in love with him too. He was just very good at hiding it. Tough love and all that.

Their main course dishes were cleared away and when asked if they wanted to see the pudding menu, Naruto immediately said yes. Sasuke took one even though he said he didn't like sweet stuff, but ended up ordering a coffee anyway whilst Naruto went for the crème brulee.

"So I was thinking that tonight we could split the bill, yeah?" Naruto asked as he finished his second beer.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Whatever happened to paying to wine and dine me, Naruto? Are you going back on your word?"

Naruto flinched and looked utterly dismayed. "NO! NEVER! I'm paying! Naruto Uzumaki never goes back on his word!"

"Ah, so that's your surname. I was wondering. Good, at least I won't feel bad if I go home with you now."

If Naruto had been a dog, his ears would have pricked right up at that. "Home? With me? Really?"

"It was a hypothetical statement. Calm the fuck down."

Naruto didn't, mostly because his pudding arrived and they'd put a sparkler in it for some reason.

All too quickly, the crème brulee was consumed and the coffee was drunk. Naruto paid the bill as promised (though he was inwardly mourning the state of his bank account and wondering why he had suggested a celebrity chef restaurant of all places), and together they got their coats and stepped out into the cool night air.

"Your place or mine?" Naruto asked with a grin. Sasuke returned it with a side of darkness thrown in.

"We both take the Piccadilly Line. Let's just get on the train and see whose stop arrives first. Maybe by then I'll have made my decision as well."

Naruto looked positively ready to burst with excitement. It was as though he was six and had been told the exact way to mix your shampoo and shower gel to make a magic potion.

The walk to Chelsea underground was slow, mostly because Naruto kept getting impatient and shoving Sasuke up against things like post boxes and the walls of the war veteran home. At one point it got so heated that Sasuke had to punch Naruto to get him to stop, or the war veterans could have gotten more than they bargained for on their evening strolls.

Naruto was less enthusiastic after that, seeming more concerned with the welfare of his kidney.

They did eventually reach the underground station, which seemed to be the where the whole thing had started in the first place. Sasuke found a good waiting spot on the platform and planted his feet firmly, shoving his hands in his pockets.

Naruto stood behind him and snaked his arms around his waist. Sasuke couldn't find it in him to push him away. Naruto was warm and comfortable against his back, and his hands were so large that when he spread his fingers they spread out across Sasuke's entire stomach. It was relaxing, almost like a stand-up armchair. He didn't even mind when Naruto used the top of his head as a chin rest.

"Feels nice," Naruto mumbled into his hair as they waited. "This was so worth pestering you for."

"Hm," Sasuke murmured in reply.

"So, who's topping?"

"Naruto!"

The train arrived at that point, saving Naruto from castration. They sat down in one of the many available seats, Sasuke's knees bouncing up and down and Naruto looking torn as to whether or not he could put his arm around Sasuke. In the end he settled for resting his hand on Sasuke's thigh, letting it bounce up and down along with the rest of his leg.

But because Naruto was about as patient as a child at Christmas, he got touchy feely almost as soon as the train started to move. The hand on Sasuke's thigh began to roam, first sliding down to Sasuke's jittering knee where it still instantly, then tracing up the inside of Sasuke's leg.

Sasuke didn't stop him, not even when Naruto's hand was very much into dangerous territory. In fact, his hips rose up a little bit to meet the hand.

Naruto knew then and there for sure that he was getting lucky tonight.

His hand getting bolder by the minute, he leaned in and hooked his teeth on Sasuke's earlobe, giving it a demanding tug before reaching up with his other hand to cup Sasuke's face. Sasuke's skin was smooth, far smoother than a guy's skin should be, but Naruto didn't care because it felt nice.

"Sasuke," he murmured, guiding Sasuke to look at him and dusting their lips against each other a few times. "Sasuke..."

Sasuke's lips parted as he took in a sharp hiss of air through his teeth, and Naruto immediately crushed their mouths together with a desperate groan, tongue driving into Sasuke's mouth without permission and seeking out his taste. Another groan sounded out, though from him or from Sasuke, Naruto wasn't sure, and then Sasuke was climbing into Naruto's lap and digging his fingers deep into Naruto's hair, the kiss turning brutal but never breaking.

For someone so small, Sasuke sure put up a hell of a fight, biting and tugging and thrusting his tongue as much as was needed to get his way, all the while grinding his hips down into Naruto's and making it very hard for Naruto to do two things at once. Somehow his fingers found Sasuke's back and clawed down it hungrily, rumpling the shirt before tugging it out of the jeans at the back and ducking underneath it.

They both moaned this time when Naruto's hand touched Sasuke's bare skin for the first time. The pace grew to a frenzy with both parties drawing painful red lines on each others' skin with their nails, gasps occasionally escaping the mess of their mouths. Naruto felt like his whole body was on fire and only Sasuke's cool hands could soothe it, and suddenly he wanted Sasuke to not just be touching his hair and face but everywhere else too.

Sasuke seemed to have the same idea because his hands moved across Naruto's broad shoulders to his biceps, squeezing them as if testing their strength before sliding them inwards across Naruto's chest. Slender fingers curled into balls, clutching at the material of Naruto's t-shirt.

It was Naruto who broke the kiss, and of course he had something to say. "God, I'm looking forward to the main event so much right now," he growled, hands grabbing Sasuke's arse and squeezing it possessively. "I wanna do it right here, on this train."

Sasuke didn't reply, he was far too busy working on a fetching purple bruise on Naruto's neck, sucking and biting harshly at the skin and making the blond yelp occasionally. His hips stopped grinding and instead began to rotate in a tight circle that made them both bite down on very inappropriate groans.

"Shit, careful or I'll cum before we even get to the station," Naruto purred, head falling back with a smack against the window and eyes falling closed instantly, biting his lower lip hard to muffle the gasps and moans that were slithering their way up his throat.

"Is that a challenge?" Sasuke growled, hips moving more decisively.

Naruto moaned loudly, and a woman at the other end of the carriage went "Oooh! Indeed!"

"No, it's a warning." Naruto's voiced was very strained now, as if he were in pain, although he certainly didn't look it.

"Next station, Boston Manor."

"Shit, that's our stop," Naruto groaned, moving to push Sasuke off him. Pale hands clamped down on his wrists and slammed them up against the window either side of his head.

"Let's just see where this ride takes us... shall we?"

EDIT: I know it cuts off at a weird place, but there isn't any more to it I'm afraid 8( This is just a oneshot.