At First Sight

Author's Notes: This is an oldie from my files that comes with some warnings: it's an alternate-universe fic (not everyone likes those, and I understand that) in which B.J. is a surgeon at the 8063rd; you might find him unrecognizable here and I wouldn't blame you—I feel the same way; and because of that, I've never been happy with this piece.

Hawkeye scanned the jam-packed bar, not entirely sure what he was looking for, but knowing he'd find it. Or rather, find her. He was on R&R in Seoul, it was his first night of three in the city, and he wasn't in the mood to spend it alone. Professional girls were everywhere, but he was hoping to find someone less…businesslike. A nurse from the 8063rd or 8055th, perhaps.

Meanwhile, thinking he might be here for some time, he elbowed his way up to the bar and ordered a beer. Pressed shoulder to shoulder between two other men, he turned sideways to gain a little more space and looked at the man to his left for the first time.

Wow is the word that came immediately to mind, followed by damn. A fine specimen, this man on his left nursing a brandy and looking lost in thought. He was an American dressed in Army green, young and clean-cut, extremely handsome.

He must have felt Hawkeye's eyes on him because he looked up then, and gave a wary smile. "Hello," he said tentatively, as if he didn't know if he really wanted to strike up a conversation with this stranger.

"Hawkeye Pierce," he said, extending a hand, turning on the charm. "On R&R from M*A*S*H 4077th."

The man set down his glass to shake Hawkeye's hand. "Captain B.J. Hunnicutt, also from a M*A*S*H. The 8063rd."

"Surgeon?" Hawk guessed, based on the rank, although this kid didn't look old enough to have completed his residency.

"Yeah. You too?"

Hmmm. Must be older than he looked. His eyes were a gentle, breathtaking blue, his face boyish. "Yeah." He accepted his beer from the bartender. "Let me guess," he said to B.J., smiling. "You've only been in Korea a month or two."

"Exactly two months. And how the hell did you know that?"

Hawk took a long pull from his beer. It felt great on his parched throat. "The way you look," he said carefully, hoping desperately not to offend. "You don't have that haunted look yet. Your clothes are pressed, your hair is perfectly coiffed, you actually look pretty damn innocent. What a shame that's all going to fade away soon." He stopped and shook his head, scolding himself for sounding so cynical to a man he'd just met, but B.J. actually laughed. The blinding smile accompanying that laugh nearly knocked Hawkeye on his ass. Wow, he thought for the second time.

"Based on what I've seen already, I don't doubt it. Hell of a place. How long you been over here?"

"An eternity," Hawkeye said vaguely. His pulse was picking up now. This man was beautiful and a surgeon and damn, what a smile. He had expected to be leaving the bar with a woman tonight, but the way things were going at the moment…

"The 4077th does good work. We hear about your success rate. We'd love to duplicate it."

Hawk raised his bottle in a salute. "Thanks. We have a terrific staff. Finest kind." He glanced down and tried to inconspicuously look for a wedding ring. He didn't see one, but that didn't necessarily mean anything.

"This is my first night in Seoul," B.J. was saying. Hawkeye could tell he was feeling more at ease now, having found another surgeon, a kindred spirit. "I was hoping I wouldn't have to have dinner alone."

Clearly he was still too uncertain to come right out and ask for companionship, which Hawkeye thought was kind of sweet. "There's a great little restaurant down the block. Terrific food, not too noisy. We can go as soon as I've finished this beer," he said, holding up his nearly empty bottle. "All right?"

Once again, the beaming smile sent Hawkeye's heart fluttering. "That would be great."

It wasn't until 20 minutes into their meal that Hawkeye learned the bad news. B.J. was married.

Hawk hadn't asked; the conversation had just turned that way, eventually. "My wife had a baby girl two months before I shipped out. God, I miss them."

And with those two simple sentences, Hawkeye's heart sank into his boots. He took a moment to glue a smile onto his face, but he was feeling immensely disappointed and thought for sure it had to show.

B.J. looked at him a little too closely. "You married?"

He turned to one of his tried-and-true jokes. With a shake of his head and a wry smile, he said, "Somebody's going to have to get me pregnant first."

B.J. laughed. God, I could fall in love with that laugh, Hawkeye thought. Maybe I already have.

But he needed to get off this particular train of thought, because it was obvious now that there would be no romance with this man. He'd gotten in too far over his head; he should have clarified his marital status right from the start. But he'd been too blown away by the gorgeous surgeon, too smitten from the get-go, that he'd let his fantasies take hold before he had any right to assume. Now he was paying the price. Got his hopes up, got his body craving, only to find out there would be no payoff.

Back to Plan A, he thought as they ate in companionable silence. Back to the bar and finding a woman.

Except that he found that idea no longer interested him. He was hungry for some physical attention, but the thought of finding a woman to take back to the hotel room didn't appeal to him anymore. It seemed distasteful, all of a sudden.

If he couldn't have B.J., and apparently he couldn't, then he supposed he'd be spending tonight alone after all. He sighed. Shit, why did I meet this guy?

They took a walk after dinner, talked a lot about their work and the people at their respective camps. B.J. said he'd like to visit the 4077th sometime and Hawkeye laughed. "That your idea of a vacation, Doctor? Because that's pretty sad."

"Your camp is nearly legendary. It's all we hear about. I'd like to know the secret to your success."

"Good people. Hard work. It's no secret, really."

They stopped in front of B.J.'s hotel and faced each other. Hawkeye hated to see their night end. But he would not allow himself to proposition a married man, however infatuated he was.

He gazed at the other surgeon, taking in the handsome features and the genuine smile and thinking, If only…

Something passed through B.J.'s expression then, something that might have actually mirrored Hawkeye's thoughts, a yearning like his own… No, that couldn't be, could it? Hawkeye drove the thought from his mind. I'm projecting. I want this man desperately, so I'm imagining he wants me too. That's just not the reality. It can't be.

He held out his hand, "Nice meeting you, B.J. Enjoy the rest of your R&R."

They shook, but B.J. held on a little longer than necessary. He tilted his head to one side and said, "Would you join me tomorrow for lunch, Hawkeye?"

Hawkeye grinned. "Love to."

They ended up spending the next two days together. They became fast friends, discovering far more in common than the fact that they were both surgeons at M*A*S*H units. They read the same books, liked the same music, could quote the same movies. Both enjoyed golf, though Hawkeye was better at it than B.J., a fact they learned when they played 18 holes on a nearby course.

"Just comes with practice," Hawkeye shrugged and tried to encourage the younger man. "You're good, and you'll get better."

Weirdest of all, though, after only knowing each other for a couple days, they found they practically shared the same thoughts. They could almost finish each other's sentences. Had the same twisted sense of humor. It was like Hawkeye had found a long-lost brother.

Except that he still harbored a powerful attraction to the man, which was anything but brotherly. He kept his lust in check, only stole longing glances when he knew B.J. wouldn't catch him, but becoming friends with the guy just exacerbated his desire. Instead of getting some sexual satisfaction on this R&R, he was getting more and more sexually frustrated as he spent all his time with B.J. Cold showers before bed were the norm. Erotic dreams of the cute Captain greeted him nightly.

And then suddenly, sadly, B.J. was summoned back to the 8063rd a day early when his camp was overrun with casualties. Hawkeye tried not to sound needy as they parted company, tried not to appear as heartbroken as he was feeling. "We'll have to do this again, if we can arrange it. I enjoyed this."

I don't even know him that well, but I feel like I'm saying goodbye to my dearest friend.

B.J., in uniform and looking even more polished and striking on this morning than when they'd met, at first held out his hand for a shake and then said, "Nah," and pulled Hawkeye into a bear hug instead. They held onto each other for a long moment, their first hug, their first real contact, and Hawkeye drank in the smell of freshly laundered clothing and some unidentifiable cologne and B.J. Hunnicutt, unsullied young doctor. Beyond finding this man attractive, beyond the physical craving, he felt crazily like he might be falling in love.

He pulled back and gave B.J. a smile, watching him get into a jeep to head to the airport.

That night, his last one in Seoul, he took a young woman back to his hotel room. The sex was a welcome relief, but the whole time, he couldn't stop picturing B.J.