Where's the Money Coming From ?
By Cyberwulf
Rated 12s (PG-13)
Disclaimer : Characters belong to Joss Whedon , song lyrics belong to Queen .
Spoilers : Season four , which is when it's set .
Summary : Giles seems to have a lot of cash for someone who's out of work . Buffy's obsessed with finding out where it's coming from . Written in response to a challenge at buffygiles.com (Don't worry , it's not scary . . .)
Author's Note : This is completely insane and was written in a matter of hours . Do not try to understand this fic , for that will cause liquefaction of the cerebral cortex . You have been warned !!!
" That does it ."
Willow looked around at her friend , who was lying on the bed , an expression of fierce determination on her face .
" I have to know ." Buffy got up and stretched .
" Know . . . what ?" Willow asked in puzzlement .
" Where's the money coming from ?" Buffy remarked . " I mean , he's been out of work since we blew up the school , but he always seems to have enough cash to pay off Spike , or , or whatever , not to mention the complete change of wardrobe –"
" May-maybe , you know , the weekly gigs at the Espresso Pump –"
Buffy shook her head .
" No way ," she replied . " When I took off that summer , I knew people who busked and believe me it does NOT bring in a lot of cash ."
" Well , he's not exactly busking –" Willow began , but Buffy wasn't listening .
" I'm gonna find out right now ," she declared , marching out of the room and slamming the door .
" Fine ," Willow muttered . She picked up her broom . " It'll give me a chance to tidy up ."
Buffy walked quickly over to Giles' apartment . She was almost there when –
" Hey Buff !"
Xander glanced both ways and ran over to her .
" How's it going ?" he remarked .
Buffy frowned .
" What's that ?" she asked , pointing to the two pieces of wood at right angles atop the long pole he was resting on his shoulder .
" Oh , it's a hod ," Xander replied proudly . " For carrying bricks . Got me a new job at the building site ."
" Isn't it a little late for work ?" Buffy asked , looking around at the night sky .
" Overtime ," Xander explained cheerfully . " Gotta run !" He took off down the street , singing as he went . " She's a killer , queeeen , gunpowder gelatine , dynamite like a laser beam , guaranteed to blow your mind , anytiiiime . . ."
Buffy stared for a few minutes , then shrugged and continued on . She went down the steps and hammered on the big wooden door . She fidgeted impatiently .
" Buffy ," Giles said in surprise . He stood back and let her in . Buffy noticed Spike lurking in the kitchen , but said nothing . She whirled around to face her Watcher .
" Giles , I have to know ," Buffy declared . " Where's the money coming from ?"
Giles gave her a long look . Suddenly Buffy noticed he was dressed in black and was carrying a sawn-off shotgun .
" I'm a bank robber ," he declared conspiratorially . Spike came out of the kitchen and Buffy realised he was wearing a balaclava . The vampire picked up a bag of safecracking tools .
" Hurry up , Rupert !" he yelled . " Can't spend all night chatting . Remember , we've got to hit the Brylcreem factory as well ."
Giles loaded the shotgun .
" Got to run ," he told Buffy . He paused and gave her a hard stare . " You never saw this ."
" WAAAAGGGHHHH !"
Buffy jerked awake .
******
" Sounds like a pretty funky dream ," Willow remarked . The girls were sitting on their beds , Buffy idly playing with Mr. Gordo , and Willow putting the finishing touches on an old-fashioned broom .
" Sure was ," Buffy replied . " It's a good question , though . Where DOES Giles get his money from ?"
" Hey , maybe he's like really one of those English lords , y'know , with a big ole family fortune ," Willow giggled .
" Nuh-uh ," Buffy said thoughtfully . " I think he'd have told us by now ."
Willow shrugged .
" Maybe he's just really good at making his social security cheque stretch ," she suggested . " Or maybe he's got savings ." She tied the last few rushes on securely .
" What's that for ?" Buffy asked , nodding at the broom .
Willow blushed slightly .
" Oh – just – you know . . . witch , broom , that – whole thing ," she stammered . "But , but this is strictly decorative . No flyin' around spells for me ."
" Hello , ladies !"
Xander sauntered into the room .
" Don't you ever knock ?" Buffy teased , flinging Mr. Gordo at him .
" Hi , Xander ," Willow smiled . " Hey , we were just talking about where Giles gets his money from , cos he always seems to have plenty , y'know , more than a regular unemployed guy . You got any theories ?"
" Well , he's not at the building site with me ," Xander replied . He grinned proudly. "They got me workin' the cement mixer now ."
" We know ," Buffy replied . Both girls fought back laughter as Xander looked down at himself and realised his jeans and T-shirt were encrusted with cement .
" Oh man !" he wailed . " Anya's gonna kill me ! Gotta go ," he told them . " I'm taking her out later and I wanna look my best ." He left .
" This is gonna bug me till I find out the answer ," Buffy announced . She got up . "Maybe Spike knows the secret of Giles' finances ." She headed out .
As Buffy approached Spike's crypt , she suddenly realised that he probably wouldn't be up yet , what with it being nearly midday . She slowed down as she got nearer . Then she heard him singing .
" Biiiicycle , biiiiicycle , BIIIIcycle !"
Buffy pushed open the door of the crypt . Spike had his back to her and was working Brylcreem into his hair .
" I want to ride my bicycle , I want to ride my bike , I want to ride my BICYCLE , I want to ride it where I liiiiike . . ."
Buffy cleared her throat . Spike jumped , turned and glared at her .
" Bloody hell , don't you people know how to knock ?"
" Spike , you lived with Giles for a while , right ?"
" Don't remind me ," Spike growled . " I had no idea middle-aged men suffered from PMT until I had to crash at his place ." He did an eerily good impression of Giles' voice . " 'Why is THIS here ?' 'Get your feet off the table !' 'What time d'you call this ?' 'You've eaten the last Jaffa cake!' " Buffy couldn't help giggling . Spike scowled . " Yeah , yeah , ha bloody ha . What d'you want , Slayer ?" He gave her a leer . " Wanna know what he wears in bed ?"
Buffy's smile evaporated and she glared at him .
" I was just wondering if you knew where he gets his money from ," she growled .
Spike shrugged .
" Beats me ," he replied . " As long as I've got blood , fags and Brylcreem , I really don't give a toss ." He went back to perfecting his hairstyle . Buffy stood there for a few seconds , then left .
Unconsciously , she made her way towards Giles' apartment . She was at the door before she realised it . She hesitated , remembering the dream . She shook herself . What could be worse than robbing banks ? She knocked on the door .
" Come in !" he called out . Buffy pushed on the door and it swung open . Giles was standing in the kitchen . He came out when he saw her , holding a mug of tea . Buffy looked at him . Not dressed in black . Good .
" What brings you here ?" Giles asked , sipping his tea .
" Uh . . . well , I , I was just wondering ," Buffy stammered , rubbing her arm nervously , " and , uh , it – it's cool if not , but . . ." She paused and looked around . No safecracking stuff . No shotguns . No balaclavas . " Wh-where do you get your money from ?"
His eyes flicked away from her for a moment , then he crossed to the window and looked out .
" Well , since you ask . . ." He turned back towards her and she suddenly realised he was wearing nothing except a pair of very tight Calvin Klein boxer shorts . " I'm an underwear model ."
" NOOOOO !"
Buffy yelled herself awake .
******
" I'm telling you , Will ," Buffy told her friend as they walked down the darkened street , " that's two nights in a row ." She frowned . " At least , I THINK it was two nights in a row . . . I'm not sure if I really told you about the first dream or not ."
" You did tell me ," the tiny witch declared chirpily .
" Yeah , right before you told us the one about the G-man goin' all Red Hot Chilli Peppers , only without the dancing ," Xander grimaced .
Buffy shook herself . " Man , that's freaky . A dream so real you can't tell if you're really awake or not ."
" Is this the real life ? Is this just fantasy ? Caught in a landslide , no escape from reality . . ." Anya sang suddenly . The others stared at her . The ex-demon saw them looking and shrugged .
" Sorry ," she said . " Don't know where that came from ."
" It was so weird ," Buffy mused aloud . " Apart from , y'know , what Giles was doing , everything else was so ordinary , like Xander having a job at the building site –"
" I'm putting on roof tiles ," Xander said proudly . " I'm a regular scaffold monkey."
" And there weren't any dancing elephants or sandworms ," Buffy went on . "Except . . . Willow had a broom ."
" I do have a broom ," Willow replied . The others looked at her . Willow squirmed a little . " Well , it's the best thing for getting cobwebs outta corners ."
They continued on in companionable silence for a while , until Xander and Anya turned off to head towards his basement . Willow and Buffy continued onto UC Sunnydale's campus . Willow began to walk towards the dorm , then paused when Buffy didn't follow .
" Buffy ?"
" You go ahead ," Buffy told her . " I'm gonna swing by my house and see my mom."
" Isn't it kinda late ?" Willow asked .
" Nah , it's only ten thirty ," Buffy replied . She looked a bit guilty " I've been kinda neglectful lately . Plus with Adam and all , I think she'd appreciate knowing I'm safe."
" Okay ," Willow said with a smile . " Don't be too late ."
Buffy set off with a fast pace and in no time at all she was standing on her own front porch . She caught sight of a figure in black skulking in the bushes . She crept towards the figure . The figure was engrossed in eating something out of a small round tin . Her eyes widened in disbelief .
" SPIKE ?!"
The blonde vampire almost broke the world high jump record . Buffy grabbed at the jar .
" Oi ! Leave it out –"
She wrestled it away from him and looked at the label in disbelief .
" You were eating BRYLCREEM ?!"
Spike shifted awkwardly .
" You'd be surprised ," he said defensively . " It's good stuff , that . Better than Marmite ."
Buffy shook her head , threw him the tin and went inside .
" Mom !" she called . " Mom ?" She went into the lounge , but there was no sign of her . She came out and bumped straight into –
" Giles !"
" Oh – ah , ah , h-hello , Buffy ," he stuttered . They both backed away and he started to smooth out his clothes . Buffy could see they were a bit more rumpled than usual .
" Hey , Giles ," she said in puzzlement . " What are you doing here ?"
" Um , ah , we-well –"
" Oh , it doesn't matter ," Buffy said , ignoring him , " because since you're here , I can ask you something that's been kinda bugging me . Where's the money coming from ?"
" Um . . ." Giles looked anywhere except at her . He shifted awkwardly . Buffy watched , suddenly nervous . She tried to calm herself . What could be worse than a bank robber , or an underwear model ?
Joyce breezed down the stairs , clad only in a satin dressing gown , and glowing with satisfaction . She came up behind Giles and slid her arms around his waist .
" Money's on the table , stud ," she murmured in a low , breathy voice . Buffy's eyes grew wide as saucers . Joyce slid one hand down a little further and gave Giles' crotch a squeeze , making him gasp , before she winked at Buffy and floated into the kitchen .
Now scarlet , Giles looked at his Slayer with an expression of utter mortification , and managed to stammer out , " I-I-I-I'm a gigolo ."
Buffy fainted . . .
. . . and woke up to find herself in her dorm room in the middle of the night .
******
" It was crazy , Will ," Buffy declared . " Three dreams in one night . Three dreams that I could've sworn were real ." She flopped back on the bed .
" At least now you know you're awake ," Willow replied . Buffy sat up suddenly and looked around . There was no sign of a broom anywhere .
" I guess you're right ," she said slowly . " But if you suddenly feel the need to do a Freddie Mercury impression , let me know ."
" Sure ," Willow replied , puzzled . She thought for a minute . " Wonder what's causing them ?"
" I SO hope they weren't prophecy dreams ," Buffy replied with a shudder .
" Maybe you just really , really wanna know how Giles always manages to have so much cash ," Willow suggested . " And you're totally obsessing . Course , since you dreamed about him wearing tight undies and being a gigolo , maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something ." She ducked as Buffy threw a pillow at her .
" Well , maybe you're right ," Buffy admitted . " About the obsessing part , not the subconscious part ," she added hastily . " Once I find out where Giles gets his cash , I can go back to eight hours of weird dream free sleep ." She got up and headed for Giles' place .
She began to get nervous as she approached the door . She had , after all , done this a few times . She just hoped she wouldn't find her mother in here . Buffy grimaced as she remembered her last dream . Just act normal , she told herself . Just – go right on in .
Buffy entered his apartment just as she had so many times in the past . Giles was sitting in a chair in front of the switched off TV set , reading one of his older , mustier tomes . He looked up in surprise .
" Buffy !" He lowered the book and gazed in concern at his Slayer . He'd never seen her look so flustered and harried . " What on earth's the matter ?"
" Giles , I need to know ." She was starting to frighten him now . " How come you've always got cash ?"
He blinked a few times . " I can't see that it's any of your business ."
" Please , Giles . This is really important ." She was practically begging him .
He gave her a long , hard look . " You won't like it ."
" Trust me , Giles ," Buffy responded . " Nothing could be worse than what I've been imagining lately ." Well , it was true . What could be worse than a bank robber , an underwear model , or a gigolo ?
" Very well ," Giles answered . " If you must know . . ."
To her horror Buffy suddenly noticed that he was stark naked , with only the large book he was holding between her field of vision and his – and suddenly she knew the end of his sentence before he even said it .
" . . . I'm a porn star ."
A huge wrecking ball crashed through the side of the house . Spike was riding it .
" Have all the Brylcreem in the world !" he screamed , as tins of Brylcreem poured through the hole . Buffy looked up through the wreckage and spotted Xander up in the cab of the wrecking ball .
" Set 'em up and knock 'em down , eh Buff ?" he shouted , grinning . Willow arrived , climbing over the debris , and began to sweep it up with a large , homemade broom . The phone rang once and the answering machine clicked on . Anya and Tara's voices rang out .
" Bom , bom , bom , bom , bom , bom , bom , I see a little silhouetto of a man , Scaramouch , Scaramouch , will you do the fandango , thunderbolts and lightning , very very fright'ning ME !"
Buffy sat bolt upright in bed . Her alarm clock glowed four twenty three in the darkness and she flopped back on the pillow in exasperation .
" God , what did I EAT ?" she wailed .
******
The next morning found Buffy in a bad mood . At least , she ASSUMED it was the next morning . After all , the last four times she'd thought things were real when they weren't . She deliberately didn't tell the other Scoobies about her dreams , and decided to go for a stroll after breakfast to give her time to think .
" Buffy !"
She turned and Giles ran to catch her up . He paused to catch his breath .
" How are you ?" he asked .
" Kinda wigged ," she replied . " I mean , I had like four dreams last night , all kinda the same , and each time one ended and a new one started , I thought I'd woken up ."
" What , what were the dreams about ?" Giles asked , shoving his glasses up the bridge of his nose and immediately going into Watcher mode .
" Don't worry ," Buffy replied . " They were not of the Hellmouthy Doomsday variety ." She laughed nervously . " Actually they were about you ."
" Oh ?" he asked . Buffy gazed at him . He looked at once nervous , curious and apprehensive . His expression made her smile .
" See , I was just wondering about – well , me and Willow were wondering about , y'know , how come for an out of work guy , you don't seem to be too short on cash ."
" Ah , I see ," Giles replied . He tried to look annoyed , but Buffy could see he was taking it with good humour .
" So , I guess I was thinking about it too much , because – man , this is so stupid – I dreamed that I asked you about the money , and found out that you were a bank robber , then an underwear model , then a gigolo –" He blushed . " – and then a porn star ." The blush deepened .
" Well , I can assure you that I am none of those ," Giles replied with a gentle smile.
" So . . ." Buffy glanced up at him shyly . " What IS your secret ? Just so I don't go nuts ?"
Giles glanced around , then leaned closer to her .
" Well ," he said , " confidentially . . ." He looked over his shoulder . " It's a kind of magic , magic , magic . . ."
He morphed into Freddie Mercury and danced away . Buffy turned in time to see Spike tearing down the street in broad daylight , trying to escape from the gigantic tin of Brylcreem rolling slowly after him . On the other side of the street , Anya , wearing a builder's outfit that matched Xander's , and shrieking with laughter , was in a wheelbarrow full of bricks which Xander was driving in circles on someone's lawn . Willow and Tara flew by on broomsticks . Buffy blinked a few times and got ready to scream . . . then decided not to bother .
" Whatever ," she grumbled , and lay down for a nap on the huge jelly crocodile that had floated to a halt nearby , and which looked remarkably similar to the bag of sugary treats that had brought on her weird dreams in the first place .
The End
-^)--)~
By Cyberwulf
Rated 12s (PG-13)
Disclaimer : Characters belong to Joss Whedon , song lyrics belong to Queen .
Spoilers : Season four , which is when it's set .
Summary : Giles seems to have a lot of cash for someone who's out of work . Buffy's obsessed with finding out where it's coming from . Written in response to a challenge at buffygiles.com (Don't worry , it's not scary . . .)
Author's Note : This is completely insane and was written in a matter of hours . Do not try to understand this fic , for that will cause liquefaction of the cerebral cortex . You have been warned !!!
" That does it ."
Willow looked around at her friend , who was lying on the bed , an expression of fierce determination on her face .
" I have to know ." Buffy got up and stretched .
" Know . . . what ?" Willow asked in puzzlement .
" Where's the money coming from ?" Buffy remarked . " I mean , he's been out of work since we blew up the school , but he always seems to have enough cash to pay off Spike , or , or whatever , not to mention the complete change of wardrobe –"
" May-maybe , you know , the weekly gigs at the Espresso Pump –"
Buffy shook her head .
" No way ," she replied . " When I took off that summer , I knew people who busked and believe me it does NOT bring in a lot of cash ."
" Well , he's not exactly busking –" Willow began , but Buffy wasn't listening .
" I'm gonna find out right now ," she declared , marching out of the room and slamming the door .
" Fine ," Willow muttered . She picked up her broom . " It'll give me a chance to tidy up ."
Buffy walked quickly over to Giles' apartment . She was almost there when –
" Hey Buff !"
Xander glanced both ways and ran over to her .
" How's it going ?" he remarked .
Buffy frowned .
" What's that ?" she asked , pointing to the two pieces of wood at right angles atop the long pole he was resting on his shoulder .
" Oh , it's a hod ," Xander replied proudly . " For carrying bricks . Got me a new job at the building site ."
" Isn't it a little late for work ?" Buffy asked , looking around at the night sky .
" Overtime ," Xander explained cheerfully . " Gotta run !" He took off down the street , singing as he went . " She's a killer , queeeen , gunpowder gelatine , dynamite like a laser beam , guaranteed to blow your mind , anytiiiime . . ."
Buffy stared for a few minutes , then shrugged and continued on . She went down the steps and hammered on the big wooden door . She fidgeted impatiently .
" Buffy ," Giles said in surprise . He stood back and let her in . Buffy noticed Spike lurking in the kitchen , but said nothing . She whirled around to face her Watcher .
" Giles , I have to know ," Buffy declared . " Where's the money coming from ?"
Giles gave her a long look . Suddenly Buffy noticed he was dressed in black and was carrying a sawn-off shotgun .
" I'm a bank robber ," he declared conspiratorially . Spike came out of the kitchen and Buffy realised he was wearing a balaclava . The vampire picked up a bag of safecracking tools .
" Hurry up , Rupert !" he yelled . " Can't spend all night chatting . Remember , we've got to hit the Brylcreem factory as well ."
Giles loaded the shotgun .
" Got to run ," he told Buffy . He paused and gave her a hard stare . " You never saw this ."
" WAAAAGGGHHHH !"
Buffy jerked awake .
******
" Sounds like a pretty funky dream ," Willow remarked . The girls were sitting on their beds , Buffy idly playing with Mr. Gordo , and Willow putting the finishing touches on an old-fashioned broom .
" Sure was ," Buffy replied . " It's a good question , though . Where DOES Giles get his money from ?"
" Hey , maybe he's like really one of those English lords , y'know , with a big ole family fortune ," Willow giggled .
" Nuh-uh ," Buffy said thoughtfully . " I think he'd have told us by now ."
Willow shrugged .
" Maybe he's just really good at making his social security cheque stretch ," she suggested . " Or maybe he's got savings ." She tied the last few rushes on securely .
" What's that for ?" Buffy asked , nodding at the broom .
Willow blushed slightly .
" Oh – just – you know . . . witch , broom , that – whole thing ," she stammered . "But , but this is strictly decorative . No flyin' around spells for me ."
" Hello , ladies !"
Xander sauntered into the room .
" Don't you ever knock ?" Buffy teased , flinging Mr. Gordo at him .
" Hi , Xander ," Willow smiled . " Hey , we were just talking about where Giles gets his money from , cos he always seems to have plenty , y'know , more than a regular unemployed guy . You got any theories ?"
" Well , he's not at the building site with me ," Xander replied . He grinned proudly. "They got me workin' the cement mixer now ."
" We know ," Buffy replied . Both girls fought back laughter as Xander looked down at himself and realised his jeans and T-shirt were encrusted with cement .
" Oh man !" he wailed . " Anya's gonna kill me ! Gotta go ," he told them . " I'm taking her out later and I wanna look my best ." He left .
" This is gonna bug me till I find out the answer ," Buffy announced . She got up . "Maybe Spike knows the secret of Giles' finances ." She headed out .
As Buffy approached Spike's crypt , she suddenly realised that he probably wouldn't be up yet , what with it being nearly midday . She slowed down as she got nearer . Then she heard him singing .
" Biiiicycle , biiiiicycle , BIIIIcycle !"
Buffy pushed open the door of the crypt . Spike had his back to her and was working Brylcreem into his hair .
" I want to ride my bicycle , I want to ride my bike , I want to ride my BICYCLE , I want to ride it where I liiiiike . . ."
Buffy cleared her throat . Spike jumped , turned and glared at her .
" Bloody hell , don't you people know how to knock ?"
" Spike , you lived with Giles for a while , right ?"
" Don't remind me ," Spike growled . " I had no idea middle-aged men suffered from PMT until I had to crash at his place ." He did an eerily good impression of Giles' voice . " 'Why is THIS here ?' 'Get your feet off the table !' 'What time d'you call this ?' 'You've eaten the last Jaffa cake!' " Buffy couldn't help giggling . Spike scowled . " Yeah , yeah , ha bloody ha . What d'you want , Slayer ?" He gave her a leer . " Wanna know what he wears in bed ?"
Buffy's smile evaporated and she glared at him .
" I was just wondering if you knew where he gets his money from ," she growled .
Spike shrugged .
" Beats me ," he replied . " As long as I've got blood , fags and Brylcreem , I really don't give a toss ." He went back to perfecting his hairstyle . Buffy stood there for a few seconds , then left .
Unconsciously , she made her way towards Giles' apartment . She was at the door before she realised it . She hesitated , remembering the dream . She shook herself . What could be worse than robbing banks ? She knocked on the door .
" Come in !" he called out . Buffy pushed on the door and it swung open . Giles was standing in the kitchen . He came out when he saw her , holding a mug of tea . Buffy looked at him . Not dressed in black . Good .
" What brings you here ?" Giles asked , sipping his tea .
" Uh . . . well , I , I was just wondering ," Buffy stammered , rubbing her arm nervously , " and , uh , it – it's cool if not , but . . ." She paused and looked around . No safecracking stuff . No shotguns . No balaclavas . " Wh-where do you get your money from ?"
His eyes flicked away from her for a moment , then he crossed to the window and looked out .
" Well , since you ask . . ." He turned back towards her and she suddenly realised he was wearing nothing except a pair of very tight Calvin Klein boxer shorts . " I'm an underwear model ."
" NOOOOO !"
Buffy yelled herself awake .
******
" I'm telling you , Will ," Buffy told her friend as they walked down the darkened street , " that's two nights in a row ." She frowned . " At least , I THINK it was two nights in a row . . . I'm not sure if I really told you about the first dream or not ."
" You did tell me ," the tiny witch declared chirpily .
" Yeah , right before you told us the one about the G-man goin' all Red Hot Chilli Peppers , only without the dancing ," Xander grimaced .
Buffy shook herself . " Man , that's freaky . A dream so real you can't tell if you're really awake or not ."
" Is this the real life ? Is this just fantasy ? Caught in a landslide , no escape from reality . . ." Anya sang suddenly . The others stared at her . The ex-demon saw them looking and shrugged .
" Sorry ," she said . " Don't know where that came from ."
" It was so weird ," Buffy mused aloud . " Apart from , y'know , what Giles was doing , everything else was so ordinary , like Xander having a job at the building site –"
" I'm putting on roof tiles ," Xander said proudly . " I'm a regular scaffold monkey."
" And there weren't any dancing elephants or sandworms ," Buffy went on . "Except . . . Willow had a broom ."
" I do have a broom ," Willow replied . The others looked at her . Willow squirmed a little . " Well , it's the best thing for getting cobwebs outta corners ."
They continued on in companionable silence for a while , until Xander and Anya turned off to head towards his basement . Willow and Buffy continued onto UC Sunnydale's campus . Willow began to walk towards the dorm , then paused when Buffy didn't follow .
" Buffy ?"
" You go ahead ," Buffy told her . " I'm gonna swing by my house and see my mom."
" Isn't it kinda late ?" Willow asked .
" Nah , it's only ten thirty ," Buffy replied . She looked a bit guilty " I've been kinda neglectful lately . Plus with Adam and all , I think she'd appreciate knowing I'm safe."
" Okay ," Willow said with a smile . " Don't be too late ."
Buffy set off with a fast pace and in no time at all she was standing on her own front porch . She caught sight of a figure in black skulking in the bushes . She crept towards the figure . The figure was engrossed in eating something out of a small round tin . Her eyes widened in disbelief .
" SPIKE ?!"
The blonde vampire almost broke the world high jump record . Buffy grabbed at the jar .
" Oi ! Leave it out –"
She wrestled it away from him and looked at the label in disbelief .
" You were eating BRYLCREEM ?!"
Spike shifted awkwardly .
" You'd be surprised ," he said defensively . " It's good stuff , that . Better than Marmite ."
Buffy shook her head , threw him the tin and went inside .
" Mom !" she called . " Mom ?" She went into the lounge , but there was no sign of her . She came out and bumped straight into –
" Giles !"
" Oh – ah , ah , h-hello , Buffy ," he stuttered . They both backed away and he started to smooth out his clothes . Buffy could see they were a bit more rumpled than usual .
" Hey , Giles ," she said in puzzlement . " What are you doing here ?"
" Um , ah , we-well –"
" Oh , it doesn't matter ," Buffy said , ignoring him , " because since you're here , I can ask you something that's been kinda bugging me . Where's the money coming from ?"
" Um . . ." Giles looked anywhere except at her . He shifted awkwardly . Buffy watched , suddenly nervous . She tried to calm herself . What could be worse than a bank robber , or an underwear model ?
Joyce breezed down the stairs , clad only in a satin dressing gown , and glowing with satisfaction . She came up behind Giles and slid her arms around his waist .
" Money's on the table , stud ," she murmured in a low , breathy voice . Buffy's eyes grew wide as saucers . Joyce slid one hand down a little further and gave Giles' crotch a squeeze , making him gasp , before she winked at Buffy and floated into the kitchen .
Now scarlet , Giles looked at his Slayer with an expression of utter mortification , and managed to stammer out , " I-I-I-I'm a gigolo ."
Buffy fainted . . .
. . . and woke up to find herself in her dorm room in the middle of the night .
******
" It was crazy , Will ," Buffy declared . " Three dreams in one night . Three dreams that I could've sworn were real ." She flopped back on the bed .
" At least now you know you're awake ," Willow replied . Buffy sat up suddenly and looked around . There was no sign of a broom anywhere .
" I guess you're right ," she said slowly . " But if you suddenly feel the need to do a Freddie Mercury impression , let me know ."
" Sure ," Willow replied , puzzled . She thought for a minute . " Wonder what's causing them ?"
" I SO hope they weren't prophecy dreams ," Buffy replied with a shudder .
" Maybe you just really , really wanna know how Giles always manages to have so much cash ," Willow suggested . " And you're totally obsessing . Course , since you dreamed about him wearing tight undies and being a gigolo , maybe your subconscious is trying to tell you something ." She ducked as Buffy threw a pillow at her .
" Well , maybe you're right ," Buffy admitted . " About the obsessing part , not the subconscious part ," she added hastily . " Once I find out where Giles gets his cash , I can go back to eight hours of weird dream free sleep ." She got up and headed for Giles' place .
She began to get nervous as she approached the door . She had , after all , done this a few times . She just hoped she wouldn't find her mother in here . Buffy grimaced as she remembered her last dream . Just act normal , she told herself . Just – go right on in .
Buffy entered his apartment just as she had so many times in the past . Giles was sitting in a chair in front of the switched off TV set , reading one of his older , mustier tomes . He looked up in surprise .
" Buffy !" He lowered the book and gazed in concern at his Slayer . He'd never seen her look so flustered and harried . " What on earth's the matter ?"
" Giles , I need to know ." She was starting to frighten him now . " How come you've always got cash ?"
He blinked a few times . " I can't see that it's any of your business ."
" Please , Giles . This is really important ." She was practically begging him .
He gave her a long , hard look . " You won't like it ."
" Trust me , Giles ," Buffy responded . " Nothing could be worse than what I've been imagining lately ." Well , it was true . What could be worse than a bank robber , an underwear model , or a gigolo ?
" Very well ," Giles answered . " If you must know . . ."
To her horror Buffy suddenly noticed that he was stark naked , with only the large book he was holding between her field of vision and his – and suddenly she knew the end of his sentence before he even said it .
" . . . I'm a porn star ."
A huge wrecking ball crashed through the side of the house . Spike was riding it .
" Have all the Brylcreem in the world !" he screamed , as tins of Brylcreem poured through the hole . Buffy looked up through the wreckage and spotted Xander up in the cab of the wrecking ball .
" Set 'em up and knock 'em down , eh Buff ?" he shouted , grinning . Willow arrived , climbing over the debris , and began to sweep it up with a large , homemade broom . The phone rang once and the answering machine clicked on . Anya and Tara's voices rang out .
" Bom , bom , bom , bom , bom , bom , bom , I see a little silhouetto of a man , Scaramouch , Scaramouch , will you do the fandango , thunderbolts and lightning , very very fright'ning ME !"
Buffy sat bolt upright in bed . Her alarm clock glowed four twenty three in the darkness and she flopped back on the pillow in exasperation .
" God , what did I EAT ?" she wailed .
******
The next morning found Buffy in a bad mood . At least , she ASSUMED it was the next morning . After all , the last four times she'd thought things were real when they weren't . She deliberately didn't tell the other Scoobies about her dreams , and decided to go for a stroll after breakfast to give her time to think .
" Buffy !"
She turned and Giles ran to catch her up . He paused to catch his breath .
" How are you ?" he asked .
" Kinda wigged ," she replied . " I mean , I had like four dreams last night , all kinda the same , and each time one ended and a new one started , I thought I'd woken up ."
" What , what were the dreams about ?" Giles asked , shoving his glasses up the bridge of his nose and immediately going into Watcher mode .
" Don't worry ," Buffy replied . " They were not of the Hellmouthy Doomsday variety ." She laughed nervously . " Actually they were about you ."
" Oh ?" he asked . Buffy gazed at him . He looked at once nervous , curious and apprehensive . His expression made her smile .
" See , I was just wondering about – well , me and Willow were wondering about , y'know , how come for an out of work guy , you don't seem to be too short on cash ."
" Ah , I see ," Giles replied . He tried to look annoyed , but Buffy could see he was taking it with good humour .
" So , I guess I was thinking about it too much , because – man , this is so stupid – I dreamed that I asked you about the money , and found out that you were a bank robber , then an underwear model , then a gigolo –" He blushed . " – and then a porn star ." The blush deepened .
" Well , I can assure you that I am none of those ," Giles replied with a gentle smile.
" So . . ." Buffy glanced up at him shyly . " What IS your secret ? Just so I don't go nuts ?"
Giles glanced around , then leaned closer to her .
" Well ," he said , " confidentially . . ." He looked over his shoulder . " It's a kind of magic , magic , magic . . ."
He morphed into Freddie Mercury and danced away . Buffy turned in time to see Spike tearing down the street in broad daylight , trying to escape from the gigantic tin of Brylcreem rolling slowly after him . On the other side of the street , Anya , wearing a builder's outfit that matched Xander's , and shrieking with laughter , was in a wheelbarrow full of bricks which Xander was driving in circles on someone's lawn . Willow and Tara flew by on broomsticks . Buffy blinked a few times and got ready to scream . . . then decided not to bother .
" Whatever ," she grumbled , and lay down for a nap on the huge jelly crocodile that had floated to a halt nearby , and which looked remarkably similar to the bag of sugary treats that had brought on her weird dreams in the first place .
The End
-^)--)~