Author: ForceforGood

Description: What happens when all of Obi-Wan's crushes get thrown into the same room with him? A piece of lighthearted silliness I invented when I challenged myself to write SiriWan, Obidala, Obitine and Ventrobi - all in the same story! Yep, I went there.

Genre: Humor, parody, romance. No slash.

Rated: PG/K+

Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Siri Tachi, Duchess Satine, Padme Amidala, Asajj Ventress and a mysterious stranger

Disclaimer: I do not own the Star Wars universe or any of the characters therein, nor do I make money from my fabulous fanfics. The plot of this story may vaguely resemble events from "The Clone Wars" cartoon, but I freely tweaked as needed to suit the purposes of my story. Oh, and I also shamelessly stole several lines of dialogue from "The Goonies" in the first chapter. They were just too perfect not to use.

Chapter 1: Siri

"You want me to do what with you?" Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Master and hero of the Clone Wars, stared at his friend Siri Tachi in utter disbelief.

"Shhhhh!" Siri put a finger over his lips. "Not so loud, or the clones will hear!"

"Have you completely lost your senses?" Obi-Wan demanded, a little more quietly this time. There was only a handful of clones in the hangar bay of the Sundered Heart, but he didn't think it would be good for their morale to hear two of their superior officers having a disagreement of this nature.

"Not at all. I've done it before, haven't you?"

"No, I most certainly have not! It's too dangerous!"

"I bet Anakin has."

"Well, Anakin is a braver man than I am."

"Come on, it's not that dangerous."

"Two starfighter pilots flying straight at each other at full speed isn't dangerous?"

"Not if they're Jedi pilots," Siri explained patiently. "And it's not as if anyone does it just to show off. The slip-jaws maneuver could save your life someday, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan scowled at the floor. "I don't know..."

He'd been hoping to use this rare bit of downtime to relax for a change, but Siri had strange ideas on what constituted relaxation. They were on board a Corellian Corvette with a small contingent of clone troopers, en route to Mandalore at the request of the Jedi Council. Duchess Satine Kryze of Mandalore had been called to testify before the Galactic Senate regarding the activities of Death Watch, a Mandalorian terrorist group rumored to be garnering the support of the Confederacy of Independent Systems. Satine was an unapologetic pacifist who staunchly refused to take sides in the Clone Wars. Because Death Watch had already made an attempt on Satine's life, the Council had deemed it prudent to send Obi-Wan and Siri to escort her to Coruscant. They were docking now at Exis Station, a space station midway between the two worlds, waiting for the Sundered Heart to be refueled and restocked before they continued.

"Come on, we'll do it at half speed first, just to be safe," Siri coaxed. "Please?"

Obi-Wan sighed, but he knew from long experience that he couldn't withstand Siri's cajoling for long. "Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the death of me?"

"You're probably right, but since we have to die sometime, what a way to go!" Siri grinned mischievously and slapped his back before waving a clone over.

"We'll be taking the starfighters out for a spin while we wait," she told the commander. "Are they fueled and ready to go?"

"They're fueled, General, but I'd like to run a flight check before you go out. It should only take a few minutes."

"Very good."

"Now," Siri said to Obi-Wan as the clones switched on the engines of two sleek Jedi Interceptors and began performing the flight checks, "let's review. We don't want any mistakes. Imagine we're out there in the midst of a battle and we both have Vulture Droids on our tails and can't shake them. What should we do?"

"We should come around so that we're facing each other at a distance of at least 1000 meters," Obi-Wan recited obediently. "Then we head almost directly for each other, with an offset of just one meter." He shook his head again at the insanity of it.

"And then?" Siri prompted.

"And then, being extremely careful and paying very close attention to the Force," Obi-Wan emphasized, giving Siri a significant look, "at the last moment we each tilt our starfighters to starboard by 90 degrees and slide past each other belly to belly."

"And the hypothetical Vulture Droids chasing us would slam into each other, solving the problem nicely," Siri finished with satisfaction.

And so it was that Obi-Wan ended up strapping himself into the seat of his new blue-and-white starfighter, which looked much like the Aethersprite interceptor he'd used a year ago to chase Jango Fett through the asteroid belt encircling Geonosis, only more stubby-nosed and with the addition of S-foils on each side to radiate excess engine heat when traveling at attack speeds. The starfighter was extremely light and maneuverable, partly because the designers had chosen not to weigh it down with shields. Making what he was about to do with Siri all the more dangerous.

"Relax," Siri's voice said in his ear the moment he donned his headset, as if she could read his mind. He could see her across the hangar bay lowering the canopy onto the cockpit of her red-and-white starfighter. "We'll be fine. You and I make a great team."

"Siri, I have a bad feeling about this."

"You always say that! Don't be so gloomy."

Once they'd launched into space and done a few quick jaunts around the space station to warm up, they moved a safe distance away for their first practice run. They agreed to fly at half-speed to start with, and at Obi-Wan's insistence they also began with an offset of 15 meters, rather than one. Even at that distance, Obi-Wan felt his stomach lurch into his throat as he saw Siri's starfighter streak toward his. He made a precise 90 degree tilt just as they passed each other, and he saw on his targeting computer that he and Siri were tilting in opposite directions in perfect synch, the bellies of their starfighters precisely 15 meters apart for a split second before they passed each other.

For the next run they kept at half-speed, but aimed for a one-meter offset. This time, Obi-Wan forced himself to keep his eyes off his instruments and instead focused his concentration on the Force, trusting it to guide his hands and keep him safe as Siri's starfighter whipped past him so closely that it seemed inevitable one of them would clip the other's craft, but whether by skill or the grace of the Force, they didn't.

"Obi-Wan!" Siri's voice crackled indignantly over the comm as they circled back around to face each other again. "That was five meters, not one! What happened? Are you afraid to get close to me or what?"

"I'm not afraid!" Obi-Wan defended himself. "I'm just... cautious."

"Oh, cautious. I see."

"That actually felt pretty good," Obi-Wan said. As a matter of fact, it had been almost exhilarating. Much less nerve-wracking than the first run, when he'd been looking at the instruments. "Let's try full speed now."

"And one meter apart this time?"

"Yes, I promise."

They faced each other head-on, simultaneously gunned their engines, and in just a few seconds they had both reached full attack speed.

Quieting his mind and opening himself up to the Force, Obi-Wan let his hands rest lightly on the controls as he gazed at the red-and-white starfighter growing larger and larger in the viewport, heading straight for him. He could sense Siri's bright presence in the Force, her own calmness and confidence in both her own skills and his. He could feel the thrumming of his starfighter and foresee the movement of hers. When he was this thoroughly immersed in the Force, it often seemed as though time slowed to a crawl, and so it was now. As they rocketed toward each other, he actually caught a glimpse of Siri's serene face through the cockpit viewport an instant before they tilted to brush past each other, and felt in that instant that he and Siri were not merely united in the Force, but actually one. He lost himself in the perfectness of that moment.

Then he felt a strange jolt, and abruptly the stars began to spin around him in a sickening way; he was in an uncontrolled spin, the g-forces flattening him to the right side of his cockpit to the limits of his harness. Instantly he was so disoriented and his vision so blurred that he was not even sure which thruster to activate to compensate, and he didn't know if he could reach the controls even if he figured it out. The g-forces held him so firmly to the side of the cockpit that he might as well have been pinned there. In a moment he would lose consciousness...

"Obi-Wan! Obi-Wan!" Siri voice sounded urgently in his ear. "Port thruster! Port thruster! Obi-Wan!"

Obi-Wan reached out, but he couldn't seem to touch the lever. Siri's voice was growing fainter, drowned out by the rushing sound in his ears. With a final terrible effort, Obi-Wan clumsily extended his hand and tried to draw on the Force to move the lever just as a gray haze descended over his vision.

When he came to again, he found himself drifting quietly among the stars. Siri's starfighter was motionless a short distance away.

Shakily, Obi-Wan activated the comm. "Siri?" he said groggily.

"I'm here," Siri said quietly. "Are you all right?"

"Never better," he mumbled, rubbing his aching forehead.

"Can you follow me back to the Sundered Heart?"

"Uh. I think so. Don't go too fast."

"Got it. Here we go." Siri's starfighter slowly accelerated, and she led him in a half-circle until the space station was in view with the Sundered Heart docked on the upper ring. It should have been a nice, easy flight back, but Obi-Wan's limbs felt like rubber and he made an embarrassingly clumsy landing in the hangar bay. A clone lifted the canopy off his cockpit and somehow Obi-Wan managed to unbuckle himself and stagger out onto the wing. But when he stepped down off the wing, his legs gave out under him and he half-collapsed onto the wing, clinging onto it for dear life to keep himself from sinking to the deck.

"Are you all right, sir?" the clone asked, alarmed. Across the hangar bay, Obi-Wan heard the clatter of Siri's headset hitting the deck, and the rapid thump of her boots as she ran over to him and helped prop him up against the wing. Obi-Wan put his head down so that his cheek rested against the icy-cold metal.

"I hate you, Siri Tachi," he said hoarsely.

"He's delirious," he heard Siri say to the clone hovering uncertainly nearby. "He doesn't know what he's saying."

She leaned in close to Obi-Wan and patted his back sympathetically. "You poor thing," she murmured in his ear. "I'm sorry, I really am. But if it makes you feel any better, we flew the maneuver perfectly. You just overcorrected a bit when you hit the heat wake of my exhaust port."

He didn't feel any better. As a matter of fact, he felt like he was going to lose his lunch. He tried to tell Siri that, but "Whuuurf," was all he managed to get out.

"Here, lie down for a moment," she said, helping him flop himself off the wing and onto the deck on the hangar bay. "Just wait until it passes."

Obi-Wan curled pathetically into a fetal position and closed his eyes, waiting for the universe to stop spinning around him. Siri knelt by his side and began to gently run her fingers through his hair. After a few moments, he could feel the soft pulse of the Force flowing from her fingertips into his body, helping him relax and gradually easing the nausea.

"I take it back," he whispered when he was finally feeling human again. He opened his eyes and rolled onto his back so he could look up at Siri. "I don't hate you after all."

"I know," Siri said matter-of-factly.

"That was a pretty sweet maneuver, despite the anti-climatic ending."

"I think we were actually less than a meter apart." Siri's face glowed with pride.

"Thanks for saving my life."

"You're welcome. You know, I don't think I've ever told you, but your voice is kind of nice when your grumpiness isn't ruining it."

"And your looks are kind of nice. When your face isn't ruining it."

Siri laughed lightly, and even though Obi-Wan would never admit it to her, he could and did admit to himself that Siri's face was actually quite pretty when she laughed.

Then, from his vantage point sprawled on the deck, he noticed that the blue and white paint on the underside of his starfighter was blistered, blackened and peeling. He sat straight up, feeling a surge of indignation. "Siri!"

"What? What is it?"

"You scorched my undercarriage!"

Siri rolled her eyes. "Stop talking dirty, Kenobi, and get up off the floor. The crew is getting ready to re-enter hyperspace."

TO BE CONTINUED